How would you interpret this - Sometimes T says "goodbye", sometimes not

Something I´ve reacted to several times now with my new T is that she behaves kind of strange around saying goodbye when I leave. The first time she followed me to the door, I shook her hand and thanked for the session.

Then for some sessions she just headed for her desk after the session and she barely looked at me when I went to the door to leave.

One session I hinted that I´m very observant about how a T acts and at the end of that session she again followed me to the door and made a friendly remark about when we were to see each other next time.

Today, one session later, she again just headed for her desk and she barely looked at me. I didn´t want to be rude and just leave without saying "goodbye" or something but next time I think I will.

I think this is a strange behaviour I link to a T being irritated in some way. She doesn´t show that during session though. The prevoius T:s I´ve met with have all had some kind of ending ritual like follow me to the door, open the door and say goodbye and such.

I don´t want just to ask my T about this and I also don´t want to "beg" for a proper goodbye.

I think me just leaving could get her to realise how she behaves, saying goodbye in a friendly manner I think appertain to most relations and if I just leave she could realise how I feel about her behaviour.

How to interpret her actions around this? Is she testing me or boundaries around therapy?

I have seen 3 therapists and a psychiatrist over the past year. Their goodbye styles varied wildly. Sometimes they would walk me to the door. Sometimes they would turn to their desk or phone.

I think it has nothing to do with you and everything to do with their mood or how busy they are that day. I'm not saying she shouldn't be consistent, I'm just saying it's her, not you.

Me, I just leave whatever they do. Sometimes without a goodbye, often without a thank you.

Yeah, I wouldn't know what to make of that either. I'm not sure if she is testing you or what but to me it seems quite rude, saying goodbye is just common curtesy in my opinion.

That would kill me. I see my T in her home and she always leads me or follows me to her front door and says goodbye or "See you in x weeks" or whatever. It's so important to me. If I was in your situation I would be really nervous about mentioning it to her, especially when you hinted about being observant already. Maybe her mind is just very focused on her next client? Like she is headed to her desk to read her notes or whatever?

I feel as if you shouldn't have to say something twice with a T. Especially something so simple that she could easily fix. If you feel able you could say outright, "I would really appreciate if you called goodbye to me at the end of our sessions" or do it yourself - and she could follow your lead. Otherwise I think just leaving abruptly to see if she notices is a fair plan too.

You do have a tendency to analyze everything a t does . . .

Sounds like sometimes she's just multitasking and moving on to the next task of the day. I doubt it is any tactic to test you.

I would encourage to not engage in testing her by being indirect and testing to see if she notices and reads your mind about what you need. That seems to be your usual way of things. Perhaps you might consider being direct, asking for what you'd like to see happen at the end of your sessions.

A lot of ts think the session time is over when they say it is over. If the client continues talking just because they are still in the room together - as i admit, i do - that probably says more about the client than about the t. I feel like yeah i am slobbering my neediness all overhim. I probably would not do that to my dentist or my lawyer or any other doctor. No wait - i kinda do. Im not selectively needy - i am whats the word whorishly needy.

My T always walks with me to do the door and says goodbye and take care and stuff. I'd feel super weird if she suddenly didn't do this one day, and just went to her desk. I'm sorry your T is inconsistent with the way she says goodbye - or doesn't. I think she should just do one thing all the time, whether that's saying goodbye or not. My pdoc doesn't walk me to the door or anything, he just says bye and stays at his desk and says to leave the door open. I don't mind this, because it's consistent. But if my T were to sometimes say bye and sometimes not, I'd feel really bad and worried about the times she did not.

I'd tell your therapist how you'd like to say goodbye! I think if an ending ritual is important to you it's a good idea to make that happen.

I doubt your therapist is testing you- I can't imagine why a therapist would do such a thing. It would be a good idea to tell her how you would like things to be so she can make it so- you are paying her so it's important to be open about what will make you happy with her.

Thanks. Yes, perhaps it is that way, I´ve also tried to find an explanation and thought that perhaps she goes there to write notes. But still, it would take about 30 seconds to follow me to the door and say goodbye.

I also feel that if I have to ask her to say goodbye and follow me to the door I wouldn´t feel she did it because she care or feels it´s important but because I asked her to.

I feel sad about this as it isn´t about boundaries as she a couple of times actually has followed me to the door and said goodbye. Now when she mostly doesn´t do that I get some vague feeling that she doesn´t like me in some way.

I don´t think she plans to not saying goodbye but more of she just doesn´t like me that much and that makes her indifferent?

I don´t mean I expect her to continue talking, I´ve never pushed the time but as in most relationships I think you say goodbye to each other in a nice way as long as you didn´t have a fight or similar.

I also see a pdoc at the same facility and with her I always shake hands, say goodbye, sometimes wishes her a nice weekend after a meeting has ended. She responds by saying something short but nice and then I leave.

To just turn away from the client by getting seated at her desk I find very strange and dismissive. I don´t want to beg her to say goodbye, it would feel fake.

Thanks. Yes, that´s also strange, the inconsistency. She has about the same time between sessions every time and it also wouldn´t take long to follow me to the door and say goodbye.

As you say this makes me feel worried and sad and I also feel that perhaps her indifference is because she doesn´t like me in some way.

I think I´ll have to just leave next time, if she just sits at her desk I won´t be nicer to her than she is to me so to speak. I don´t see why I should say goodbye and thank her for the session when she hardly turns to me when I´m about to leave.

As saying "goodbye" is such an universal thing in most relationships I don´t want to beg her to do this. If I have to "instruct" her to do such an easy and to me self-evident thing it wouldn´t feel genuine if she then said goodbye and such.

I also feel that if she in some way does this to show me we are not friends or something like that, such a cold attitude won´t work with me and she doesn´t gain anything by it. A T should be careful around these things and wanting to build a relationship because what else is there to work from?

Ah, difficult. I guess I wouldn't think of telling someone you are paying for a service from how she could improve her service as begging. I would think you have much more dignity and power in this relationship than that.

I doubt she is doing this to demonstrate you are not friends. She could be socially awkward or easily distracted, for example - her behavior doesn't necessarily arise out of coldness. I definitely agree she should be careful! I just think if you help her along with letting her know how you expect to be treated you'll be able to tell more about what her behavior means.

I have asked my therapist to do a couple of things every session as part of our greetings and goodbyes. He does them because he wants me to be comfortable, but he wouldn't have known I needed them if I hadn't told him. It helped me to trust him that he was up for paying attention to these things I was asking for. I guess I just think if you are open with what's bothering you, you might have a good result.

I'm sure I would see that as hurtful too, but I don't think I'd wonder if my T was testing me in that way. Hmmm..... I think it may make me feel more like a "number" than a person if my T did what you shared yours does. Try talking to her about it? My T always says goodbye, and "see you on (next session day)." I always say thank you. And she walks me to the door. I think it's rude for your T to just go to their desk and start doing things without acknowledging you are leaving. If my T does something (or doesn't do something) I don't like or agree with, I eventually tell her, when the time feels right to me. I hope you can ask your T about this.

Usually my wife leaves the house before I do, taking the kids to school, whereas my day starts later and often is more variable than hers. A few years ago she had two weeks of stay-cation time where she'd come back home. I'd be in my office and not really thinking about her presence, as I'm used to being alone at home during the work/school day. I'd just come and go as I usually do, without saying good-bye to her.

Almost after her stay-cation was up, she said, hey, I would really like it if you would say good-bye to me before you leave the house and hello before returning. I said okay, because I care about her and I want her to know that her needs and desires are important to me.

You could say I'm a giant dolt for not spontaneously thinking that saying goodbye when I left the house would be important to her even though the situation was out of the ordinary. She could have pouted and waited for me to inquire about what was wrong. She could have blamed me for not doing something completely obvious or brought it up as an example of how I don't care about her feelings or how I'm not excited she's got some "me" time when she doesn't get a lot of that. She could have interpreted my behavior as being negatively directed at her. "If he loved me more, he'd say good bye to me when he left."

Or she could be fully adult and just ask for what she wanted, which is what she typically does. Which is one of the many reasons why it's lovely to be in a relationship with her. She doesn't try to interpret the meaning of my behavior when she's curious, she just asks. If she wants me to do or not do something, she just asks. Sometimes she can explain why, or how it makes her feel, and I want to do what she asks because I want her to feel good. That's my genuine desire.

Because I grew up in a home where nobody was particularly direct, because I grew up having to intuit how my behavior was linked to positive or negative outcomes, because I grew up being blamed for things that couldn't possibly be my fault and were not things that I could change-- I have grown to learn these direct, open, communicative things. I have also learned that other people, not just my wife, appreciate directness. It is good for relationships.

It would not be difficult for you to figure out a way to communicate to your T what you would like your ending ritual to be. "Say, I really like it when you say good bye and walk me to the door. Could we do that today?" Maybe you have to ask the next session. Maybe you have to ask every session. Asking for what you want doesn't have to include a complaint or be turned into a big deal.

In my experience with therapy, paying attention to my own reactions to my T's behavior, rather than attempting to interpret hers, has been much more productive. Keeping the focus on myself has helped me to get to understand myself better and question some of my old coping behaviors.

I would ask her if she is doing it on purpose. The first one used to get up and walk me to the door -which was 5 feet away at most -I couldn't miss it or get lost or anything. I asked her why she did it-it turned out she thought it was polite -I told her I wanted her to stay away from me and she agreed not to do it. And she mostly stays back, although a few times she has either forgotten or checked to see if I had (yes that is the reason -I asked what she was doing and she said she thought things had changed so she could -the woman is perceptive as a rock -but she will take direction ).
I agree there is no reason to tell the therapist goodbye if you do not wish to do so. I have never understood the idea of thanking them - but I would look upon either of those as being for the person speaking, not receiving -particularly where a therapist was concerned.

I agree that it may be helpful if you could first just ask as to why she does what she does and then take it from there about what you feel comfortable asking her for.

I have a bit of an opposite problem -- I internally freeze up and freak out if someone (who I don't know in the Biblical sense, so to speak) is within 4-5 feet of me (to the point that I stop on sidewalks to let people pass). I've mentioned this in therapy. So, my therapist's behavior of standing around to shut the door in the tiny space once I walked in and again to open the door (in that very tiny space when the door was next to where I was seated) was annoying as heck. I thought of bringing it up to make her stop but thankfully, she stopped doing it except on the rare, random occasion -- I'm pretty sure though that the reason she stopped is because she got more 'comfortable' with me i.e., didn't feel like she had to maintain some level of 'formality' and not because she actually made the connection to my issues around personal space (not because she doesn't care about that but because that's a level of thinking / analysis that I don't think she'd ever bother with!). But, if she does start doing it in earnest again, I most certainly will tell her to quit it -- so, in some ways her behavior in this aspect has / would be intensely personal to me but at the same time, having seen how she functions, I'm not sure I can do anything except watch out for it on my own.

Thanks. That was an interesting point, that she could be socially awkward. I hadn´t think of it that way before and I also react to that she sometimes do follow me to the door and says goodbye. But perhaps it is like you say, she gets easily distracted.

I have a hard time telling people things like this as to me they´re obvious. I would really feel awkward if I just turned my back om someone who were about to leave my apartment or office. I think I´ll see for some more sessions, if the sessions goes well I perhaps just let this pass or "play along" and not telling her goodbye either. Even if that´s perhaps a bit childish.

My pdoc, who I've seen for years, used to do this. I usually attributed to mood since it didn't usually reflect the tone of our sessions. I still felt alternately hurt or awkward since it does feel odd and it bothers me to leave any meeting without some kind of closure. I eventually made a point of saying goodbye after each session if he didn't first. Sometimes I said it casually and sometimes it was with a little sarcasm. It isn't you at all- it's always the other person in this kind of thing. I think some people get absorbed in their own stuff or are just moody and don't realize it. Now there's always some kind of good-bye at the end of session.

My therapist always walks me to the door, opens it and says goodbye or see you next week. (I don't thank her because why on earth would I thank her for doing her job?)
If she suddenly walked toward her desk and turned her back to me in silence, I would feel hurt. I would interpret it as the therapist being annoyed or fed up with me. So I completely understand where you're coming from.
It's also pretty rude. You're right that you shouldn't have to ask her to do a pretty obvious thing (saying goodbye). Still how is she going to know that it's upsetting and hurting you if you don't tell her? Talk to her. Mention how it makes you feel. If she's a good therapist she'll listen.

Yeah, my T usually says "I gotta go..." but then she usually lets me sit there for a minute or two, or she wraps up the session, but then she will stand up, which is my cue to get my butt off her couch Sometimes it takes me a few minutes, and I tell her I swear I am trying. She always meets me near the door, I hand her my check, and walk out.

Sometimes my T walks me to the door, sometimes she goes down the corridor back to the waiting room with me, and sometimes she just sits at her desk and turns away from me.

I guess it depends on how caring she feels on a given day.

I don't think she's testing you. It's probably just how she is. I wouldn't like it and it would bother me enough to feel like looking for someone that had better social skills than I do, especially if I had only been seeing her a short time. I wouldn't see it as my job to tell her how to say good bye. I'd just have to weigh it against other things and make a decision about continuing.

eta: mine holds the door open, says her version of goodbye, and sees me out, same way each week.

My T always walks me to the door, we hug and then she says 'Take care, see you soon" and she opens the door.

It would really bother me if she just sat at her desk and didn't even say good-bye. I would bring this up with your T.

You said you had no other options for therapist.

These are questions I used to ask myself, since I was always testing her (and all my other relationships), in my head : What happens if my therapist FAILS my test? Will I quit therapy? Act out more? Kill myself?...

Not in therapy anymore, and I learned to stop that behavior in all my relationships. Now, I ask for what I want or need. For me, the "begging" came when they dumped me for testing.