[ScarletPimpernel]

My T mentioned forgiving ex-T a few weeks ago. I don't know how to do it. I know it would be beneficial if I can. How do you forgive?

[NowhereUSA]

I don't think forgiveness is something that can be forced although I think one can work through it. And forgiveness doesn't mean things are all right in your world or that it stops hurting...

I guess, for me, forgiveness is an act of letting go and moving forward. I acknowledge the hurt, I acknowledge the pain, but it doesn't bring up rage and anger. It just... is. I feel the pain, then I move onto the next thing and don't dwell on it. I try to find a way to resolve the anger apart from them. I know I've forgiven when I can see the good, feel sorrow for the bad, and not feel angry about it all.

A lot of that takes time. But for what one can do to move towards it, I think learning to not feed the anger is a key piece. By not feeding the anger, it has the chance to subside.

But I don't think forgiveness is something one wakes up and feels suddenly. It's a journey and a process.

[Ocean Swimmer]

Depends. How deep is your emotional distrust.

My Pdoc sexually abused me every month for 7 years. He only prescribed opioids.
I saw him for a number of years later too. I was only 19 yrs old.

First I figured I'd need to forgive myself and not accept guilt.

Did I completely forgive him? Even when he started stalking me?
I don't know. If forgiveness means it doesn't bother you anymore, then NO.

[atisketatasket]

I have always associated forgiveness with an expression of regret and a demonstration of a willingness to atone from the other party. That's just me, of course. I would find it very hard to forgive in a vacuum. So maybe ask yourself what you need to forgive your ex-therapist, and how you can get that.

[ScarletPimpernel]

I don't think T meant for it to be an instant thing. I think she wants me to start considering it.

I don't know what forgiveness means to me. Is it realistic to not feel betrayed? No longer crying?

The one thing that triggers me the most is the fact she cut off communication. When I remember that moment, I still cry. So maybe when that stops bothering me?

[ScarletPimpernel]

Originally Posted by atisketatasket

I have always associated forgiveness with an expression of regret and a demonstration of a willingness to atone from the other party. That's just me, of course. I would find it very hard to forgive in a vacuum. So maybe ask yourself what you need to forgive your ex-therapist, and how you can get that.

How can I get anything I need anymore? Nothing is going to change btwn her and me. She won't talk to me. I guess the only change will be the outcome of the grievance. I'm not sure that will change how I feel about her.

[atisketatasket]

Originally Posted by ScarletPimpernel

How can I get anything I need anymore? Nothing is going to change btwn her and me. She won't talk to me. I guess the only change will be the outcome of the grievance. I'm not sure that will change how I feel about her.

See, this is why it's hard to forgive in a vacuum, when you have no relationship with the one who hurt you anymore.

Maybe forgiveness is too big an idea right now. Maybe your therapist should think more in terms of letting go. (I think they are different things.). Maybe, too, you should wait till the outcome of the grievance is known, because that's going to affect your feelings.

[divine1966]

I don't necessarily believe in forgiving. But I believe in accepting what it is. Some things cannot be changed, we just have to move on.

My grandparents are holocaust survivors, they lost all their families. Parents, siblings etc Most certainly forgiving anyone was never in a books but they moved on with their lives living well and raising kids well and being good people. They did deal with survivor guilt but overall they lived happy enjoyable lives. With letting go not forgiving per se.

I know it's extreme example. But maybe you can move on and live your life the best you could accepting that you cannot change neither the past nor other people.

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[junkDNA]

oh man i dont have an answer to that. it's such a hard question. i will never forgive my former T. hopefully one day i can forgive myself. but he does NOT deserve anything from me.

Forgiveness is something you do for yourself. It's a letting go so you can move forward. It isn't about saying what happened was okay. It is simply a point of accept it was what it was, as horrible as it was, and moving forward anyway. It doesn't require the other person to admit wrong or make amends; that just isn't possible in so many cases for a variety of reasons. It is also something that I've found I have to revisit from time to time, as something pops up and stirs things up; and that's okay too. Forgiveness, for me, took their power away and put my healing in my hands.

[atisketatasket]

Forgiveness means different things to different people. The OP should think about what it means for her, and what she needs for it to happen. And also if it is even the right thing for her to do just now, if she's ready for it.

[NowhereUSA]

Originally Posted by ScarletPimpernel

I don't think T meant for it to be an instant thing. I think she wants me to start considering it.

I don't know what forgiveness means to me. Is it realistic to not feel betrayed? No longer crying?

The one thing that triggers me the most is the fact she cut off communication. When I remember that moment, I still cry. So maybe when that stops bothering me?

Maybe before working towards forgiveness it's worth defining it for yourself. Are there people you've forgiven in the past? What did that look like or feel like?

I personally don't think it's about it not bothering me anymore. I still feel emotions about things... it's like they don't have any power over me anymore. But forgiveness is complicated and hard and I don't know that you have to think about all the big picture stuff yet.

What happened was deeply painful and you have a lot to deal with in the mean time. Maybe just start thinking about defining forgiveness and don't put it in the context of ex-T? That way it doesn't feel so heavy? Then when you have an idea and time has given you some distance, you can bring the two ideas together and decide how you want to go forward with that particular piece.

Hopefully that makes sense...

I don't think you need to forgive your ex t or anyone who has mistreated you.
It is your decision and nobody else's.
I think in order to move on and heal you need to accept what happened and come to some sort of acceptance around how you feel about it. Maybe forgiving yourself should come first

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[Hopelesspoppy]

Forgiveness is a process, not a decision. And it certainly cannot be "prescribed", I find it very odd that your T would suggest you could "fast-track" such a personal and difficult transition. There will be a point when you will make that decision to forgive or not. Your ex-T is not your priority, your healing is. That you ask how to "forgive" is clearly a sign that this is not the time for that discussion.

[ScarletPimpernel]

It's difficult to even understand forgiving myself. I don't know why she terminated with me. So I don't know what I did wrong. Now my behavior when she terminated me was something I'm not proud of, but I was reacting in pure panic. I couldn't access my logic at the time. I don't beat myself up over that.

About my definition of forgiveness... I was always taught that forgiveness meant the way lolagrace described.

I have never chosen to forgive someone. It just kind of happens. I just let the frustration go. Like you all said, I just move on. I had a church mentor abandon me. I didn't choose to forgive her. I knew I had forgiven her when I could understand her position. Same with my mom. I forgave my mom when I could understand why she did the things she did. But I'm not going to have that with ex-T. Maybe...maybe the board of psychology will require my ex-T to tell me why she terminated? Doubt it though. If only I could understand...

SP, I've forgiven several rather monstrous people in my life who I never did understand their position, how or why they could have possibly done what they did. I didn't have the opportunity to ask two of them, but I wouldn't have even tried if I had the opportunity. Just wasn't worth giving them any further opportunity to in any way harm me. I think with those people who I never reached a place of understanding about, the forgiveness, for me, just came from a place of faith--knowing it was out of my hands and that they will be held accountable in due time. It may not be a concept everyone believes in or understands, and it is probably against guidelines to discuss as I am talking about my spiritual beliefs now, but those are what have always held true for me no matter what else failed. (I apologize if I am overstepping here and I won't go further.) Whatever the case, know that if it comes, it will take time and it is a very personal journey. I think your T was putting the idea out there as something to consider. It is a hard concept and one that is very individual. It took me a very long time to get there.

I don't think forgiveness is the only way to healing.

You can let go and come to a sort of peace after mourning and grieving and angering over the wounds, I feel.

I do not think forgiveness is mandatory or needed.

[growlycat]

It is hard to forgive someone who isn't sorry. Focusing on what makes a better life for us seems more rewarding to me than an exercise in forgiveness.

I agree with growlycat. My ex t didnt care about what she did to me. I have tried over and over again to forgive her. I dont know if i have yet because i am still so angry at her and feel so bad about the whole thing,

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by ScarletPimpernel

My T mentioned forgiving ex-T a few weeks ago. I don't know how to do it. I know it would be beneficial if I can. How do you forgive?

First you have to really experience and accept how angry you are.

[Argonautomobile]

I’ve never personally found that forgiveness was something I could do directly. It’s all well and good to know something intellectually, but I could never just decide to forgive anyone any more than I could just decide to be happy in the midst of a depression. Both things always happened for me as a by-product of otherwise purposeful conduct.

You practice self-care, do the **** that’s supposed to help even though it sucks and doesn’t seem to be helping: Exercise, eat right, don’t smoke. Enjoy responsibly. Get a hobby. Take your pills. Do unto others. Don’t stop believing. Always wear a rubber. If this is an emergency, please hang up and dial 911. Lather, rinse, repeat.

You just do the ****, and one day you’re surprised to discover you’ve been so busy doing what one does that haven’t thought about how much you hate that person and how very wronged you are all day. Then all week. And one day you think about it and discover the hate, the vitriol, the pain, it’s muted. It hurts less. You try to call up the intensity of emotion you once felt, and nothing much happens. You find that you’re just not very interested in it, that it doesn’t hold so much power over you, because by god you’ve got some boneless, skinless chicken breasts to steam.

And when you’re more interested in ****ing chicken breast than in the gross injustice someone once visited upon you, you realize it’s because somewhere in the midst of all that lather-rinse-repeating, you’ve forgiven them.

Anyway, that’s just my two cents.

[Gavinandnikki]

I don't think evil can be be forgiven. Everything else takes time and what all the other more articulate posters have said.

This was me for many years.

Quotes from: Lewis B. Smedes book, The Art of Forgiving —

"After we have been wronged-and wounded in the bargain-been swindled, cheated, abused, or demeaned, no human right seems more sacred than the right to get even with the scab who wronged us. We want to get back at him, make him feel-at the very least-as much pain as he made us feel. Nothing could be fairer. Or taste so sweet. Or seem more deserved. "They're gonna get it," we heard Richard Nixon grumble on his vengeful tapes. I think the ancient Greek poet Homer was smacking his lips when he drooled about revenge. It tastes so sweet, he said, we swirl it around on our tongues and let it drip like honey down our chins.
We want our enemy to suffer, yes, but we also want him to know that he is suffering only because of what he did to us. We don't want him to admit he made a mistake, flip an apology in our direction like a fifty-cent gratuity, and go on as if he had done nothing worse than burping before dessert. We want the satisfaction of watching him turn and burn with hellish leisure on the rotisserie of his remorse."

After the first year of extensive therapy, I no longer felt there was anything to forgive of those I used to insist wounded me: ex therapist, parents, ex H, etc. and, I was not interested in forgiving anyone when my therapist brought up the subject, and suggested I read Smedes books. I never did, she read the above portion to me. I went from wanting vengeance, and usually taking it out on myself, magically thinking it would affect them, to having healed memories. Now, I'm living my life free from those burdens. Never needed to head to New England, and blast my ex therapist, because of the pain I endured, because of a botched termination. I'm good — real good.

"Forgiving does not erase the bitter past. A healed memory is not a deleted memory. Instead, forgiving what we cannot forget creates a new way to remember. We change the memory of our past into a hope for our future.”
― Lewis B. Smedes

Smedes is a Christian author, but his books on forgiveness are more universal. My therapist is an atheist, and so was I at the time. I know she has given them to my Jewish friends to read, and theyfelt they have benefitted from them.

...but, you don't need to read books

[jane77]

I thought I had forgiven my ex-t six months ago. It was a false forgiveness apparently since my anger felt before forgiveness pales in comparison to what I feel now, which is almost a borderline rage.

Perhaps offering forgiveness to them or to oneself also isn't a linear process or a one-time event. Like grief, I suppose it can be a lifelong process.

[Hopelesspoppy]

Originally Posted by Walkedthatroad

This was me for many years.

Quotes from: Lewis B. Smedes book, The Art of Forgiving —

"After we have been wronged-and wounded in the bargain-been swindled, cheated, abused, or demeaned, no human right seems more sacred than the right to get even with the scab who wronged us. We want to get back at him, make him feel-at the very least-as much pain as he made us feel. Nothing could be fairer. Or taste so sweet. Or seem more deserved. "They're gonna get it," we heard Richard Nixon grumble on his vengeful tapes. I think the ancient Greek poet Homer was smacking his lips when he drooled about revenge. It tastes so sweet, he said, we swirl it around on our tongues and let it drip like honey down our chins.
We want our enemy to suffer, yes, but we also want him to know that he is suffering only because of what he did to us. We don't want him to admit he made a mistake, flip an apology in our direction like a fifty-cent gratuity, and go on as if he had done nothing worse than burping before dessert. We want the satisfaction of watching him turn and burn with hellish leisure on the rotisserie of his remorse."

After the first year of extensive therapy, I no longer felt there was anything to forgive of those I used to insist wounded me: ex therapist, parents, ex H, etc. and, I was not interested in forgiving anyone when my therapist brought up the subject, and suggested I read Smedes books. I never did, she read the above portion to me. I went from wanting vengeance, and usually taking it out on myself, magically thinking it would affect them, to having healed memories. Now, I'm living my life free from those burdens. Never needed to head to New England, and blast my ex therapist, because of the pain I endured, because of a botched termination. I'm good — real good.

"Forgiving does not erase the bitter past. A healed memory is not a deleted memory. Instead, forgiving what we cannot forget creates a new way to remember. We change the memory of our past into a hope for our future.”
― Lewis B. Smedes

Smedes is a Christian author, but his books on forgiveness are more universal. My therapist is an atheist, and so was I at the time. I know she has given them to my Jewish friends to read, and theyfelt they have benefitted from them.

...but, you don't need to read books

Brilliant. I won't read the book either, that quote says it all.