It's a holiday weekend here in Canada. It's a toss up as to what's open/closed today and tomorrow. My family is gone for the weekend so i can't call them (just for light talk, no support there anyway). My friends, all two of them, just moved and don't have a phone or anything and it's far across town. i am terribly lonely. My T has the long weekend and is booked the rest of the week. My regular day fell on the holiday and we hadn't booked that far ahead. i'm on a wait list.

i'm restless and sad. My life is pathetic. Well, actually, i have no life. Left to my own devices i don't do anything. i haven't got hobbies or interests or anything like that. If you ask what i like to do, i haven't got an answer. i sit online b/c i haven't got anything else. i don't go anywhere when i am not working. What kind of life is that? It's empty and without direction or joy.

i'd better not focus on that... it will lead to suicidal thoughts. i mean why live right?

My T and i had such a powerful session before he left... and now it's melted away. i am afraid. i said too much. i have ruined everything. i needed to reaffirm with him soon after that session and i can't. i know i have made him angry, and i know i challenge him too much. i am always changing my mind and making life hard for him. i know i said way too much too soon. i am sure i have ruined it all. i don't know just what i will say to him when he calls on wednesday... which he said he would. i think i will take an extra shift at work so i won't be here.

sad

((((((((( gerber )))))))))))))

You're right (in a previous post) .. we are a lot alike. I hang out here too much and don't do anything besides work and go to the grocery store once a week. I do have some interests/hobbies but sometimes have a hard time concentrating on them. Today I wanted to read and it took me a while to settle down to be able to just relax and read.

I hope you'll write/journal about your session. And maybe you could spend a few minutes thinking about other times you've thought you said too much and then afterwards worried about T being angry with you and then, remember your call to him and what he said. Recall his soothing words from then and imagine him saying them now.

On Wednesday you could talk to him about all the things you said here, your worry he would be angry with you, your feeling lonely at this time and scared about feeling too lonely.

When I first started with this T, just a few months ago, I apologized for "flitting all over the place" when I talked and not really "landing" anywhere. I felt like such an idiot doing it but couldn't stop. nerves and fear I guess. Other times I have been disappointed in myself in that I felt I didn't have much to say or just couldn't get it out there. I've expressed concern about 'how I'm doing in here' and she always reassures me, as I'm sure your T would too, that I'm doing fine and I'm "right where I need to be right now".

Everything is something to learn from so just trust if you can that your T is just fine with what you tell him, that he is a very secure and sturdy person and can take anything you have to tell him. You aren't dangerous to him and he can and does take care of himself and you too.

You'll find your direction and joy as you go. Be open to it. We can be struggling and yet still be doing just fine.



ECHOES

i am so alone. In the world i am alone. The isn't anyone who would have a hole in their life if i went away.

i never should have given him that letter. It was a huge mistake. Really, it was. Too much, too soon. He might be sturdy but i am not. i don't really want to face him now. i am not sure how it came down to that... what happened to make me say all that. It was too much of me in there.

i appreciate your kindness. thank you. i do flit all over the place, but he is trying to give me what i need and i am so convincing so i am sucking him into the whirlwind. i don't think he sees this clearly yet.

does my whole life have to be a mistake? do i always have to be a waste? My life has no meaning at all, not to me or anyone else. i've been given so much and i have done nothing with it. i am very poor and i have nothing to show for anything i have worked for. i've never even owned a car - i am 36. i've never had a vacation. i am a nothing.

((( gerber )))

He can handle it. And you are afraid you control him ("sucking him in") but you don't because he knows himself and he knows he has a separate mind.

On some level you wanted to and needed to give him that letter. Let's celebrate your courage!

We can only go from this day forward. We are all, essentially, alone.

I am 53. Lost everything. No car.

We can only go from this day forward. Keep at it!

but the way he is responding to my flitting around suggests to me that he is susceptible to my influence. He is trying to adapt to each time i decide i want a particular direction. That doesn't say he is in control to me, it says i am ruining my chance with therapy.

yeah, i did the "this day forward" stuff at one point. believed it even. But it's hollow. Attitude, good or bad, is like spit against the wind. It's meaningless. Everything is essentially meaningless.

i lost everything, for what simple and pathetic possessions i did own, at 26. Went through a major break up with a seven yr, live-in bf.. a tumor and surgery/treatment.. bipolar dx..and so on. It was my everest.

He's accomodating you, being patient, letting you get comfortable, sees a direction in there even if you don't.

I hope you will talk about all this in session with him.

I'm so sorry you lost everything and had surgery for a tumor. I'm glad you are okay now!

[WinterRose]

gerber - I'm sorry you feel so down and alone. Holiday's are really hard. I'm not sure the therapist is supposed to 'control' the session so much as hold it together. Just my thought. I'm something like you as well. 36 with not much of importance to show for it. I've had hobbies and interests, but they don't stick and are just distractions. I spend too much time on the pc because I have nothing else to do and I am just waiting sometimes to go to bed. I know I'm getting better though and my meds are helping and I'm starting to find purposeful things to pursue. I hope you will too. But even for me now I still go up and down and revisit what you're going through right now.

I hope you won't take that extra shift so you can get that call. I think you'll be surprised in a positive way. It sounds like you could really use the support you will get from your T's phone call on Wednesday.

thanx. i feel so empty. i can't take his call on wednesday. i am going to work the late shift, i got called today.. one of the girl's sprained an ankle. i guess it's fate.

i don't know how i am going to face him now. i honestly don't think he understands enough about me yet to understand that for the first time he had a session with the real me. That scares me a lot... and i need to make sure he doesn't figure that out.

i miss him and i want to see him and talk to him, but i am afraid of him and i am too scared to see him.

((((((((((((((winterose, gerber)))))))))))))))
Hey you two. I read your posts between each other. I can feel your loneliness, especiallly you gerber. Feeling alone and empty is a hard place to be and my heart goes out to you. When I read your posts I could feel the hollowness in my chest, a feeling which has become very familiar to me. I have many people around me, but the inner aloneness is something I still struggle with. I find writing my thoughts down to be a great comfort. This might sound corny, but connecting with nature is a wonderful healer. Just getting out and going for a walk (on the beach or in the bush,if possible) seems to really help me. Just try and take one step at a time in making small connections with others. Your T can help with this. I'm sorry your T is not there for you at the moment - that can be hard. Anyway, just wanted you to know you are in my thoughts.

what a sweet message, thanx. i am feeling a little better today, meaning i am more functional. i still feel numb and empty. Practical things have not gone well today and for some reason my pain meds are not working... and that ironically gives me distraction from the loneliness.

i can't connect to nature except through my dogs. i live inner-city and have no place to go for that. It's a couple of hours to the beach and hard for me to get to any wilderness park. Walking for more than 10 minutes is out as well (sorry to be so negative) but i have spondylolysis/thesis among other things. The best i can do is a short walk to a paved tennis court so my dogs get a run.

i wish i could get more exercise.. i know it helps because it changes your body chemistry somewhat. i can't afford the local pool very often... but i should make more of an effort. i should do a lot of things i can't seem to get around to. i'm so pathetic that way. i can't even seem to help myself when i have some idea of what might help. Ok.. yup... big loser.

thanx for caring anyway