Talking about sex

I'm a 31 year old female and my T is male and probably 45-ish. Last week, after 15 or so sessions, he gently steered the conversation onto first sexual experiences. I was trying to be an adult about it and not look away from him/blush too much but it was a difficult topic of conversation!

Truthfully, this is something I need to talk about because early bad experiences have definitely affected how I am sexually in my current (6 year) relationship. But I just find it so hard, particularly with the gender/age dynamic that I have with my T. Generally I find having a male T better in almost every way, but talking about sex is pretty excruciating. I also worry I will end up embarrassing him, stupid as that sounds.

How do you guys deal with this topic in therapy? Or am I just being really immature - after all, it's a normal part of being human and we all do it.

It's a natural thing to be embarrassed talking about it, regardless of the sex of your therapist. I say "natural" but really we're socially conditioned to be embarrassed about it, to feel ashamed and uncomfortable.

Do not worry about making the therapist uncomfortable or embarrassing him. He can handle it. He can also handle your own discomfort at discussing the topic.

It sounds like you both agree that it's an important area to explore in therapy. It's difficult, but once you start to open up about it, it usually becomes a lot easier. I've never gotten to the point where it's actually easy to discuss such matters, myself; it's still a little embarrassing. But the benefits of discussing it far outweigh the cost of being uncomfortable for a while.

Therapy isn't meant to be comfortable all the time.

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Thanks for posting this. I'm going to follow it to see the replies.
Sex is something that I need to discuss too but I'm embarrassed about talking about it!
I'm a female and my T is too but even with a female I'm struggling.

Hope you get some good advice

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I probably need to discuss this topic but not right now. I have idea how the conversation will happen but eventually it needs to.
Sorry no tips or advice.

I'm 28 female and my T is 39 male. We have talked about sex some...a lot of my issues revolve around it. I have told him things I've never told anyone. He seems very comfortable with it which helps me to feel comfortable. I kinda see my T as gender less sometimes

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First of all, I don't think you're being immature at all! It is a sensitive topic for many people. I don't think your T is likely to be embarrassed by anything you mention (the training and experience required just to get licensed pretty throughly desensitizes them to this sort of stuff!).

I can relate somewhat to your concerns about gender and age dynamics, but in my experience (having seen several different male and female therapists, psychiatrists, etc.), I've found that it is actually way easier for me to talk with males about it.

When I've talked to female Ts about sex (very, very briefly), I've always ended up feeling awkward and ashamed. I think many of them have over-estimated their ability to know/understand me and it has led to some very frustrating interactions, where I often feel very awkward/weird/bad for not being more feminine, neurotypical, etc.

In contrast, males have seemed to be more open to my perspective. They openly acknowledge gender differences when appropriate, but it is more in a genuinely accepting/curious way. The age gap with current T and psychiatrist is also pretty substantial (both are in their early 60s, while I'm mid-20s), but treated similarly to gender differences (e.g. when psychiatrist asked if I might call a friend, I replied that I would not call, but probably email or text, and he sort of jokingly apologized for proposing "an outdated idea more appropriate for 63 year olds").

Also, not entirely sure if this is relevant, but I've found that males that I've seen have been way more complimentary, in general. I know it shouldn't matter -- it never has been main point of conversation, but obviously is nice to hear sometimes that somebody thinks you're beautiful, engaging, etc. Even if they're just being "nice," it only seems to be males that say this sort of stuff openly (females tend to be more withholding in my experience -- like they'll refuse to comment on it and instead question me about why I even want people to say stuff like that, which tends to leave me feeling guilty/wrong/embarrassed for wanting reassurance sometimes).

Sex is a loaded topic for many people.

My therapist doesn't push it, but is cool with whatever I bring up. She's a little older than I am, so I tone things down vs the level of graphics I share with friends. More my own fear of over sharing, since she has counseled for decades and has heard it all!

TBO, I get a little insecure about creating sexual mental imagery of myself.

You aren't being immature. So many people of all ages find it hard to talk about sex. You don't have to worry about embarassing him. He's a T. He has learned how he has to deal with that as a T and he has probably seen many clients who have talked about sex.
Maybe it can help you if you first tell him how it is for you to talk about sex to him? Tell him about your concerns and why to find it so hard to talk about sex.

Falling Freely, you articulated something I knew I was uncomfortable about but hadn't quite managed to get straight in my head. I'm definitely uncomfortable about that aspect of it. I know Ts have heard it all before, but they are still human and who wouldn't start picturing things they heard described?

You guys are right though. It's embarrassing drawing attention to my embarrassment! But I know you have to tackle this stuff head on. So true as well that we have been socially conditioned to feel shame about this kind of thing.

I'm a 30 year old female and T is a 42 year old male. He is also super cute! It's definitely awkward, but T helps by kind of lightening the mood when needed. If he sees I'm struggling he'll step in with a personal story, or a story about a friend or other client. That kind of helps break the ice for me. He also shows me that he's totally open to talking about whatever. He doesn't get nervous which helps me not get nervous. He also reminds me that I only need to go into as much detail as I want.

I guess my advice would be to start talking about it. If you're having trouble saying certain words or phrases say that you're having trouble. T should then step in and help out.

At the beginning I would talk about it as if a friend told me the story. So I'd say something like, "my friend told me that when she was younger her brother touched her." It's a bit childish and we both knew I was talking about myself, but distancing it from myself helped. He'd ask me questions like "what were you feeling when your friend told you this?" "How do you feel about your friend today? Did that story change your opinion of her?"

I slowly started to be able to talk about it in the first person, but that step was really important to help me have some empathy for myself and also talk about sex things with T without being too embarrassed at first.

Already done. Thankfully he didn't change expressions or positions so I just kept talking. Was much easier with a female, but I have a hard time trusting guys in general so that's Pernod the reason I persevere.

I'm 30 and female and my T is about 60 and male and I felt the same way, it took me months and months to broach the subject and I only started after I had a dream where my T had leant me a book called "how to talk about sex in therapy".
I have found that it has gotten easier over time, he's never batted an eyelid.

I don't think gender matters much to be honest.
Sex talk is uncomfortable period.
I'm a woman and my therapist is as well and the idea of talking about sex with her is horrifying. I've talked a bit about it, using euphemisms such as "intimacy" instead of "sex", stuff like that.
Perhaps it would be easier for you that way?

Sex and sexual fantasies for me are one of the easiest topics in both therapy and life in general. I actually had a reaction to my T's putting the sex topic as something potentially uncomfortable a few times, kinda offended that he assumed I had an issue with the sex talk. I am female and generally more motivated to discuss sex with males (despite being bisexual) and, strangely, if I know the person finds me sexually attractive and I also find him attractive or neutral, that gives the motivation an even extra boost and ease. Sort of a baseline intimate connection on which to build things that may or may not have anything to do with sexuality. I also often find that I tend to use sexuality as a voluntary distraction from talking about/dealing with other areas that are truly difficult for me. It's complex; I believe for most of us the relationship with sexuality is quite complex, if not complicated, with lots of hidden or not so hidden insecure areas. Not surprising at all. I think sex is one of the most complex and dynamic human experiences involving pretty much the full palette of what a human experience can be: physical, emotional, intellectual, developmental, all embedded in a matrix of larger environmental and social factors.

Would it be easier to write about those sexual experiences when you are on your own if talking directly to someone else is hard? Maybe write about it and send/show to your T, so the information will be out there? Then discuss it in small portions in session in the context of your current problems. That way it might be a good "practice" to perhaps also talk with your partner outside of therapy.

Ever since I returned to therapy, I've been meaning to talk about sex with my T. It's something I was embarrassed to bring up the first time round, and now I really want to talk about it finally, but I just can't seem to muster up the courage...

I feel like I can talk to T about anything and I think he's heard it all. But still, I find it very hard. Not because he's male or about my age. I'm just not used to talking about it and I'm actually 'using' my T to practice talking about sex.

Feeling ashamed about it is very common I guess. The subject makes you feel vulnerable, exposed.

To the ones here that have brought up the subject of sex in therapy: how did you start that conversation?

The first time we talked about sex, my T bought up the topic. Now it's almost a regular occurrence that we talk about sex in pretty intimate details because of what's going on in my life right now. It's still very hard for me to talk about, but T doesn't even bat an eye when we talk.

I'm a female and luckily my T is a female about the same age. The first couple of times that we talked about sex, I couldn't even look at her as I was so embarrassed! I just kept talking as I really needed to get some things out.

My T has never batted an eye over anything that I've said and I've talked about sex and some very intimate details and she was fine. However, sometimes I wince when I think about the stuff that I've shared especially the level of detail on a couple of things. I told her that I felt that I over-shared and she said that she didn't think that I over-shared but that I might have shared some things before I was ready to which is why I was so uncomfortable afterwards. I had to share some of these things though so that I could let go of them and stop obsessing about them.

Someone asked how i brought sex up.... I was telling her how I kept "fantasizing" about my ex and then she said something in response and used the word, "masturbation" and then I felt like I could say anything since she said the hardest word in the world to me! Subsequent conversations have been easier, but I'm still embarrassed but not as much.

Another thing that you could say, is that "I need to share on a subject that I find very hard to talk about" and then when asked which subject, you can say, "Sex" and then your therapist can help you from there.

GOOD LUCK!

We talked about it once.. there isn't much to talk about as I'm asexual and think sex is for dirty old men and for people who are trying to make a baby. I'm not a dirty old man and I don't want/have never wanted a baby, so I've never had sex and I've never masturbated.
We talked about it quite theoretically - whether I'm truly asexual, or just too young, or if it's being influenced by the sexual assault that happened when I was young.

Thanks so much for the replies everyone! Just had my latest session and brought the subject up, all by myself! Although I was avoiding saying the word itself, and T goes, 'just to clarify, what are we talking about here?' With a massive twinkle in his eye as he said it! Bloody T. Anyway, we had a really good session and at the end he thanked me for bringing it up and said he thought it was important.

So yes, thank you for the advice, it really helped!