[Nikki2000]

i have always thought that knowing personal stuff about T was what i wanted... that i couldn’t get enough of it ya know... but this past Wednesday... our last session before an 11 day break sucked like hell... because T told me something personal, by accident i guess... and it had the most devastating effect on me...

my T is 56, we were having a light-hearted conversation about cell phone text messages and how they have affected therapy even... and out of the blue she said “my sister died over 30 years ago and sometimes i wonder what she would think of all the technological advances if she came back today”...

i felt absolutely floored at knowing T’s sister had died so young... it felt like being hit by a sledgehammer... and i couldn’t hide it from T... she was concerned that she had said something to hurt me...?????!!!! wanted to know how i felt hearing that... i have never felt so lost with her... it felt wildly inappropriate to be talking about something so personally tragic for T in the context of how “I” felt about hearing it.... she said “it was tragic but it was a long time ago...”

i felt so confused... but what spun me out of control was that all i could let myself feel was a strong sense of anger... anger at T for telling me such a thing... i feel like i have this in built need... want... to protect T from anything bad... and this just hit me so hard... and i could find no words to explain it...

we left the session as ok as we could... i text her afterwards and said “there is so much i don’t know, but one thing i know for sure is that i love you with all my heart”... she text me back and said “i take your love very seriously...” etc etc....

i guess this is the first time i have thought that although i want T to think of me as a friend i suddenly feel more at home in the “patient” category... this self-disclosure has hit me way too hard... but i feel like the lowest person for being angry at T for giving me this information...

i have read posts on here extolling the virtues of knowing less about T... today i can see the reasoning behind it...

thank you for reading... just writing this has made it clearer in my mind... therapy sure is a minefield at times... huh??!

Nikky I agree with you. We don't need a mother a friend we need a therapist. Most of us have only experienced trauma bond relationships, we dont need that now.

We may feel we meann something to T if she discloses personal stuff, because we have such low self esteem we;re looking for clues all the time.

You know, she must really like me too share that with me? BS.

[LittleMouse]

I certainly can relate to how you feel. I too feel very protective towards my therapist. He is 72 years old and some many months ago happened to tell me that he has macular degeneration of the eyes which means that he may eventually go blind. His vision is OK now but there is a great possibility that he will loose his eyesight at some point in the future. I was very upset about this, pleased that he had shared, but distressed over the news. We discussed my feelings and he said "Maybe I should not have told you this". Getting to know someone is a mixed bag I guess. I love him dearly and it distresses me when I know something like this about him....I want to protect him from any bad things in life I think.

I can relate.
**Some words in this may be triggering**
I found out that my T experienced a close loss in her family by suicide some years ago. It wasn't self disclosed - a friend of mine went to school with her and knew about it. When she told me, I felt horrible. I felt like I couldn't talk about the many losses I had connected to suicide. I felt bad when I said out of anger or frustration, "I want to kill myself". I wanted to protect my T at all costs from re-experiencing the loss of her loved one. I still don't think she knows, that I know about her loss. In a way, I really need to address it, because it's interfering with therapy. But, I don't want to open that wound.... Sigh.

Wow!! I feel totally opposite of all of you!
I don't trust anyone that I don't know anything about, I'm less apt to open up if I feel like they have no experience with what I'm talking about-- things that happened in the past.

It would draw me closer to the T. if they disclosed something that was relevant to our conversation and it showed that they don't have a "perfect" life either. I know that no one does have a perfect life-- but somehow it makes me feel more on their same level if just a little of something relevant is shared with me.

I'm not talking about a T. that spills their misery onto the client No no! -- not to that degree-- just one that relates their similar experience to mine. It makes me feel they are more human somehow.... but..... that is just me -- and I do struggle with some paranoia and distrust

Guess with all the differences in people-- it must be hard to be a good therapist!

Good day to you Nikki-- hope you are feeling some better about things today.
mandy

[sunrise]

Nikki, I hope you are doing better. I can see that revelation from your T would be shocking, especially as it just seemed to slip out, without apparent relevance to your own therapy. (((hugs)))

I'm one of those who values (yes, and even demands) self disclosure from my T. It is an important part of my therapy and we would not have our close relationship without it.

The closest thing to feeling like being hit with a sledgehammer by a disclosure was when, in the context of another disclosure, it came out that T was divorced. I was really upset by that but didn't even know it for a while. I am going through the breakup of my marriage and that is a main reason I go to therapy. It is so very, very painful, and I felt such strong empathy when I found out T had gone through the same, and I wanted him not to have had to experience that pain. I remember feeling that strong, overwhelming empathy was kind of rattling, as any strong emotion is. We dealt with this in a session months later, and it became an important piece of the puzzle to me, and strengthened the therapeutic alliance. I definitely do not regret learning it. In fact, it has become important to me to know that he has been through this.

It is good there are lots of different sorts of therapists out there so we can find the best fit for us. mandyfins, I think I am kind of like you in how I feel in self disclosure. It does increase T's humanity. He is of the humanist psychology approach, so this makes sense that he would do this.

[Rapunzel]

I like self-disclosure too, but I can see the drawbacks. If something triggers a desire to protect your T, that really is something to discuss, because it probably happens in your other relationships too. Maybe you hesitate to share things with other people in your life, that you might need to share, because you are afraid it will hurt them, for example.

I know some things about my T, and I am glad that I do, and I would like to know more. It is encouraging to know that she has overcome some of the same things that I need to deal with. She has scars on her arms too, for example, and it is comforting to know that she has been there (she didn't tell me, but I can see the scars, and someone else told me a little about her too), and I am glad that she doesn't have to cover up her scars. I feel that she has accepted that stuff in her own past, and it helps to have a guide who has walked the same path before.

But I am finding that when I have the opportunity that I could ask her more about herself, usually I don't. I often wish later that I had, because I do want to know, but there is too much other stuff to talk about it and I have to pick and choose. And maybe I am afraid of knowing too much. I'm not sure why. I would probably make comparisons and come up short.

Talk about what you need to talk about. If you aren't sure, then ask. Therapists are trained to handle it, and if they haven't worked through their own pasts and their own issues, they aren't ready to be therapists. They also know how to get support if they do find a pocket of something they still need to deal with, and it is their responsibility to protect themselves. If you are feeling a role reversal there, it needs to be addressed.

[MissCharlotte]

((Nikki))

It is indeed a minefield. We never know when we are going to step on something that will explode. It's beautiful that you can tell your T that you love her.

I go back and forth about the disclosure. My T discloses a fair amount and so far it has not bothered me too much.

i guess im opposite too. I feel it helps me to see my T as a person. We dont have a normal relationship, but to understand she has a life. It helps me not idealize her. Maybe you can work out what it means to you. Are you afraid that she will not pay attention to your needs bc of this disclosure.

[Nikki2000]

thank you everyone for your replies... i think a few days to think this over has made it all feel less unmanageable... it just hit me completely out of the blue ya know...

but having thought it over and read through the posts here, i realise that knowing things about T, good and bad, is probably overall a good thing... i know i do totally idolize her... want the best for her and assume her life is perfect... want it to be perfect i guess... and of course that is not going to do me any good in the long run...

i will try and talk to her about this stuff when she is back from vacation... 6 days and counting!

thank you all again, getting other peoples views is so helpful...

take care... Nikki x

[Perna]

One thing that such a disclosure would help me with (my T disclosed that she had to go away in the Winter because she'd had a pneumonia-related bad illness as a child and if she didn't go to a warm climate and caught so much as a cold, she could die!) is to see how my T is taking it in stride and "dealing" with it which gives me hope I can deal with my own stuff and also the knowledge that she's had similar losses to mine so knows "what she's talking about."

[pachyderm]

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Nikki4520 said:
i know i do totally idolize her... want the best for her and assume her life is perfect... want it to be perfect i guess...
take care... Nikki x

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If she were perfect then it might not leave any room for your contribution.