I think T is going to be upset about something I did

The above is helpful. What it means to me? T loves me even when I mess up, maybe? Maybe that I want to be punished? That my usual theme, not wanting to be left out, is at play here? I do think it's SOMETHING! Maybe shame or guilt. Wanting to be more intimate with T?

I have trouble deciding what fits for me, and that's frustrating!

The being honest and testing to see if she loves me anyway really resonated with me.

Yeah, I get teary eyed when I think about doing "bad" things but T loving me anyway. But I did not do bad things as a child and don't remember being punished. Maybe I wanted to be bad, because my brother was, and he got more attention?

Still, wanting to mess up ( Freudian maybe?) and T telling me she loves me is definitely part of it.

Oh wow! How much $ do i owe you for that insight?? My brother too! I kept waiting for them to notice how good i was being. It was only used against me.

Jealousy!! New twist but not really new is I'm jealous of T's daughter. I shouldn't be but I am. My D leads a totally different kind of life. Damn! That's what I get for seeing if the same information is still online. D likes to write about her "thing" and is an excellent writer. I like the tidbits about T. This is the curious part of me, and comparing part, not related to wanting to be punished. Sometimes I hate my life.

I hardly got any sleep last night and feel lousy, not because of T, so that may color my view today.

Sorry I didn't mean to ignore your post. I'm glad I helped you see with that insight about your brother. I see my T today. My feelings seem to have "died down." I will discuss it though. For me, the wanting to be punished also has some sexual aspect, because I think of spanking. But I don't want T to spank me, or anyone. It would hurt. I don't know what to tell my T. Shame, punishment, guilt, jealousy. All arising from reading her daughter's blog!!

Is it about being verbally intimate with someone? My first longterm t was a Catholic married to a Jewish man. This embarrassed me. I was also jealous because i knew a rule of Judaism was that men had to be nice to their wives, and my husband at the time certainly wasnt nice to me. But i could never tell her what i thought or imagined about her husband - it was too personal, too intrusive.

Contrast this with, right now i can converse pretty openly with my t about his kids, vs how you feelabout your ts daughter. The intimacy door has been opened. It opens sometimes on the couch here. On other forums here too.

As an aside, that is my FAVORITE RULE EVER.

Rainbow, for what it's worth, I really think you are on to something with the idea that you NEED something to feel guilty about. You know I have issues around people overstepping boundaries, but even I don't think this is a big deal.

Ack! When i saw you had responded, i was like, "oops! sorry for using the i-word!"

Out of curiosity as a fellow former-goody-two-shoes, why didn't you do bad things?

I think everyone who says that your need to confess and feel shame are a big part of this -- they don't negate the curiosity and honesty aspects of it, in my opinion, but rather enhance it. If you're already a curious person who has trouble holding stuff in, then this seems like a pretty natural way for you to "mess up". Another way you could mess up is to start selling drugs, but somehow that doesn't seem to fit you as well...

I don't feel the same need to transgress/confess as you do, but I do have the same strong feelings attached to telling T things that I don't tell anyone else. Things that basically NO ONE would punish me for, yet I have punished myself for them many times over. We are different in that I have an *extremely* hard time with it, because I am terrified that T will reject me forever if I tell him, and that fear often overrides any urge to tell. But for the first time, at least I kind of want to tell someone, because having someone else tell me it's really not a big deal that, for example, I have a crappy relationship with food, is a massive relief. And I *do* think that's related to my being "good" in the past -- more complicated for me because I did do some "bad" things, but they were kind of bizarre bad things, almost as if I had run out of energy to be "good" and let the "bad" part leak out in harmless ways, like having a hopelessly messy room. ANYWAY I don't want to make this about me, but I'm wondering if you had the same focus on being "good", such that anything at all that you did that was "bad" felt catastrophic and needed to be hidden/sneaked around -- and finding now that normal "bad" stuff is actually not mutually exclusive with being loved, is something new that you're still needing to experience over and over again? Am I even making sense?

Thanks, mkac. It seems to be about testing T, that I want to confess that I'm bad so I can be reassured she's not going to leave me. I wasn't conscious of that reason but it seems to fit.

Sally, I'm not sure that those who think I need to feel shame are correct. According to my T, and I agree, I already do feel shame. I don't know why I didn't do bad things. I was quiet, cooperative, and obedient as a child. However, I felt bad inside, not consciously, but because I didn't ask questions. I disappointed people because I didn't talk, so I was different, and therefore bad. I'm not sure if what you're saying fits me or not. Doing bad things was not an issue for me. So maybe that's why Googling my T seems bad. I also still don't understand why driving by her house was crossing boundaries, and bad, but googling isn't. My brain isn't working so well, it seems. I appreciate your input, Sally, though I don't totally understand.

I think i get what sally is saying about anything at all bad being catastrophic. I was a LITTLE late for the bus - another guy held it for me - and i was shocked at how quickly i got over it. Ordinarily i would have castigated myself for miles! Trips, even. Idk what changed exactly.

You totally get me, Hankstah . My mom made every small mistake I made into a big deal. I had no concept of what was and was not a big deal for the longest time. So I am REALLY glad for you that you got over being a little late for the bus! If this were Buzzfeed clickbait, it would be "Things only PC people will understand".

Rainbow, I'm interested by the fact that you said you felt "bad" about not talking, that you didn't ask questions. Do you think that the "gathering information" habit has anything to do with this?

Maybe. I was very shy. Had selective mutism, and my preferred method of finding things out was by "research",
not asking questions, even when it was about me and I could have asked my Mom. It was instead of talking. Instead of trying to have a relationship with these people, I satisfied my needs by finding information about them. Or, instead of working on relationships with available people, I fantasized about these other people. My first T said that way I could get those needs met, though it wasn't a good way. Seem I haven't changed much...just more aware. No, I have real relationships outside of therapy now.

I'm sorry your Mom made every mistake into a big deal. No wonder you're confused! My Mom got anxious about everything. I remember when she came to school because she accidentally sprayed my hair with insect moth spray or something, instead of hair spray. She even called the doctor about it, but came to school to be sure I was okay or to be sure I didn't turn into a moth!

Rainbow, I do agree with others that what is online is public information for the most part. Especially articles, newsletters and blogs - they are posted on the Internet specifically to reach a wide audience. I doubt that in itself would phase your T at all. I realize you you feel guilty about how you found the articles and while I don't think it's something to beat yourself up about, I can understand why you feel the way you do. I think it's important to remember, however, that it's telling your T that may be troublesome for her, not what you found online. Just because you're close with someone doesn't mean you have to share everything with them - even your T. Everyone is entitled to secrets, so why not try to go easy on yourself.

Thank you, Lauriza. Did you see my other thread, "Such a good session"? It was extremely worthwhile telling my T about the Googling. She wasn't upset at all and I had a very productive session springing from my "confession". It was probably one of my best sessions ever!