It seems as if T is my only 'friend'.

Feeling so lonely and the only person I can talk about this with is my T. I know she can't be my friend and to be honest I wouldn't want to change our relationship to a friendship, but she's the only one who seems interested in knowing who I am and what I feel and think.

I once had a friend whom I thought was interested in knowing me and me knowing her but that ended. And so I'm left with just my T - 50 minutes per week unless she's off which she will be for the next 2 weeks.

I'm not in crisis - just feeling very very lonely and I fear I may slip back into a depression that I suffered from a couple of years ago.

I'll be seeing my 'friend', my T on Wednesday and maybe the connection I'll experience with her then will help assuage my loneliness for awhile.

I've worked very hard to make new friends and I do have a lot of people I interact with - I volunteer a lot for non-profit organizations - but a deep friendship in which one shares one's deepest feelings with each other has not shown up in my life. (just once and that's over)

5 years I've been seeing her and I suspect she knows me better than I know myself. Being 'seen' is powerful and therapeutic. I'm pretty much invisible everywhere else.

Does anyone else feel that their T is their only 'friend'?

I feel for you here and feel the same. In that moment of despair when you need to turn somewhere and there isn't anyone else. Having someone know you is very powerful. My T knows me better than anyone else after only 5 months of a lot if silence. Go figure.

I also get how hard it is to make real friends when there is so much history. How do you start? If anyone has any suggestions maybe they could help us out!!

I do think volunteering is a good way to start- getting yourself on a committee, for example that meets up regularly at night can really help. Meetup.com groups can also really help - they are filled with a lot of people looking for friends. I think people often find a lot of friends in church groups- there are some churches that cater to single people in cities in particular that seem to be very good at bringing people together. I know some friends that host a weekly bible study group and they seem to grow quite close.

Book clubs might help as well. If you went to college there might be an alumni club in your area- they often run events where people can meet each other. maybe something fun like an art class or something might be good as well?

Yes I really feel that and can resonate with what you wrote so much ,
I know I am really lonely when I start to think about t too much, I yearn for her company. I know she can only be my t but I want more from her sometimes. Sometimes I am so lonely it hurts. I realised I have always felt like this but what made me realise it was having somebody close and then them leaving too. The pain was unbearable, having a t eased that pain but it also hurt because I know I am close to t but I am not really it's a torturous relationship and sometimes it cruelly reminds me of what I don't have. A friend to share my happiness and also my sadness.

This is a worry of mine too that I will slip back into a depression but I have managed to internalise t and be the good enough t to myself in those times of need. How do you treat yourself when you are lonely? Could you be a good friend to yourself and really see yourself as the lovely person you are who deserves to be seen and to have friends?


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I have a couple of very close friends who in my head I know care about me and will do anything for me (and I them). I often feel that T is the only person who really gets me. Over the years she has figured me out and I feel we have a real connection. With my close friends I am always waiting for the other shoe to drop or reading into their actions.

It sucks...

This thread made me see that even though I DO have a good friend in town with me, when I am feeling this low, I only want to talk to my T. I understand that, and it is so hard, even if my T allows emails and phone calls.

The suggestions were really useful and something that I have been trying is meet up and art classes. Will continue to try and, as my T said last week, allow myself to realise that change doesn't happen overnight. It took years to get here so it is allowed to take years to get some where better. Or something like that!!

Yep, it does suck. To be as open and honest as I am with T is not that much of an option with others. Sure, I had a very close friend once but exposing my innards backfired. With my T, that will never happen (even though we have had ruptures, I know she won't abandon me.)

I think that since our T is there just for us, we can depend on them more than with a friend. We don't have to worry about T's reaction. She's 100% there to support. At least that's been my experience.

Oh, yes, volunteering is good. I work with the Red Cross, Make a Wish, CASA (advocate for children in foster care). I also teach seniors about technology such as smart phones, social media. I work with a non-profit offering equine therapy. So, I have not secluded myself. I write poetry, study French, play with my grandsons. So my life is 'rich' but I'm still lonely.

I guess a start is to get out and meet people which I have done. I do meet for coffee or lunch with a variety of wonderful people. But, they are not the people with whom I have yet a close relationship with. And that's what I want. And, as everyone knows, it can't happen with just anyone. There has to be a resonance between you and them. It can't be manufactured. I have a resonance with my T.

Before this T. I use to look for someone to care. I didn't feel I deserved and would take them hostage in my mind ams keep feeding them trauma stories about me, oddly T never the actual traumas I'd been through, because at that point they were still unspoken, unconscious and just the way my life had been.

'Friends' could never be that which I wanted them to be because A/my needs were to big. B/ I was drawn to those unable to care - trauma repetition - T being my friend? No but she's cared and understood so I don't need friends in the way I once did. T is that one secure base in which allows me to dive into life from. I can have friends now without the drama. But, I choose not to. I am family orirntated, my family I've created are the family I dreamt of as a child. Friends don't come high on my list. Maybe that will change one day..........or maybe not. Of course I chat to people I know now and again. But what I needed badly, I get from T. She doesn't have to be a fruend to do that. Infact it's better she's not.

She's not your friend,she gets paid money to listen to your problems.

They do a bit more than that. That's what can stir 'friendship' feelings.

Mouse, I hear you. For me, I don't think my needs are too big. I haven't experienced trauma. Just normal life challenges which have caused some upheaval. I don't feel 'needy'. I just want a pal or two with whom i can share the mundane along with the extraordinary. Who can I talk to when I experience a joyous moment? Who can I tell when I feel disappointed or sad or stressed? No one. Just my T.

I do agree that it's better my T is not my friend. I don't want that from her. Seeing her the short amount of time I do each week seems to be enough to offer me enough connection to keep going.

Still, I'd like someone in my life with whom I could play, laugh, skip, dance and have a grand time while being there for them while they're there for me.

Maybe I'm looking for a romantic partner but that's not really what I want. Going down that road is way too complicated and painful. I've been burned and i don't want a repetition of that.

I put the word 'friend' in quotation marks to designate that I do not consider her a friend in the generally accepted definition of the work. I'm quite aware she gets paid. In fact, that helps me open up to her more because there might be times I wouldn't want to burden another person with my issues. Since it's my T, it's her job.

But even while it's her job, I know and I feel that she truly cares about me and is there for me. I don't cross boundaries but if I need to talk in between sessions, she'll call me back (I haven't needed that for a few years). I'm able to let off steam by texting her without expecting a reply. It's a relief to have my T in my life because I don't have to worry about how I'm coming across to another person.

You're right - she's not my friend - she's better than a friend,

I have been fortunate to have friends with whom I can confide my deepest feelings. One has been my friend for over 35 years, and though we live in different states and hardly ever see each other, I can trust her with my secrets.

I have made another new friend recently who is the same way. I can think of a couple more, too. I think my openness in therapy has carried over to real life. Or else I'm just lucky to have found these friends.

Are you assuming that the aquaintences you do have would not want a deeper relationship? Have you tested the waters with anyone? I know it's a risk, but my mother used to say "nothing ventured, nothing gained." It's great that you do a lot of volunteering, but have you made the step to ask someone to go to lunch, or get together? I think joining some kind of group or class is a good way to meet people. If you keep trying, there will be someone you click with. Unfortunately, it does take time to develop a close relationship. You've been seeing your T for a long time. That closeness didn't develop overnight.

I'm sorry you're feeling lonely and I know it's hard. But keep looking, and reach out to potential friends. Most people are looking for someone to share with. You may have to take the first step, and see what happens. You may be pleasantly surprised.