[SarahSweden]

I experience my new T takes the therapeutic relationship for granted. She even said so when I stated one of my goals in therapy is to establish a good therapeutic relationship with her. (To reach my other goals, not to spend time with her outside therapy or such).

She seems to think that she does therapy in one single way and that she doesn´t have to put any certain effort in. As if it´s enough that I enter her office and sits there and that´s the relationship.

I´m very frustrated with this T and I don´t even know if it´s of any worth mentioning how I feel as she seems to think of therapy as something else than a relationship. And that although a lot of studies have shown that the therapeutic relationship is crucial for change and support.

I think she´s very ignorant and also unproffessional as she seems to think that her way of doing therapy is a way that works even if she notices I´m irritated with her.

She also seems to think her cold way of being has a purpose of its own and should be followed through at any cost.

Mostly wanted to vent a bit and to get some perspective.

That seems pretty typical for therapy. Sadly. I'm sorry.

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Why not change therapists?

[unaluna]

If you are irritated with her, a) why? b) how do you let her know? Btw, that IS the relationship. It doesnt have to be all rainbows and flowers. If you are a cranky type, and she is a cold type, maybe you have a match. My t and i tend to be both sarcastic and sweet, like yippy dogs.

[SarahSweden]

It´s not a therapeutic relationship when the relation doesn´t benefit therapy. I agree there´s ups and downs but there has to be a mutual foundation for therapy and how a T should treat her clients.

[divine1966]

I don't think there is a universal model of therapy. I don't see therapy as a relationship and my goal was never to build relationship with therapist. It doesn't mean I am wrong or did my therapy wrong or have unprofessional therapist. It worked for me.

If your therapist does things that don't benefit you then maybe it's a bad fit. I don't see how she is ignorant, her therapy style might just not match your needs. Why not try different t or give this one more time? Maybe she hopes to lead you on the right path in real life not just to help you build a relationship with her. I'd give her a chance and see if there is some benefit in her style


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[CantExplain]

Perhaps your T wants you to take the relationship for granted? To be so comfortable that you don't have to question it?

If your T puts no effort in understanding you or your needs and is bent on treating you in a way that is not healing, why waste your time? There are enough people in the world who will disrespect you, why pay for it? it's one thing to have differences of opinion with a T, that can be worked out, but to expect you to tolerate their ignorance and cold attitude is not acceptable.

Life is too short to put up with this kind of treatment. I'm sorry you were taken for granted - I was too.

She seems to think that she does therapy in one single way and that she doesn´t have to put any certain effort in. As if it´s enough that I enter her office and sits there and that´s the relationship.

I feel as she seems to think of therapy as something else than a relationship.

she seems to think that her way of doing therapy is a way that works even if she notices I´m irritated with her.

She also seems to think her cold way of being has a purpose of its own and should be followed through at any cost.

Did she tell you all this? i wonder what she said to you and/or how she acted that allowed you to reach these conclusions?

I'm sorry you are having such a hard time trying to find a therapist.

I do think that relationships often take time. it isn't exactly automatic-like when i meet people, sometimes i feel connected right away, which i think can be transference at times; other times, my feelings grow for someone only after I've gotten to know them.

[SarahSweden]

The thing is there is no other T at this facility and I won´t get any support if I want to change T, then it will be up to me to write to other facilities to become a patient there instead. There are no guarantees that I get to meet with another T.

Originally Posted by divine1966

I don't think there is a universal model of therapy. I don't see therapy as a relationship and my goal was never to build relationship with therapist. It doesn't mean I am wrong or did my therapy wrong or have unprofessional therapist. It worked for me.

If your therapist does things that don't benefit you then maybe it's a bad fit. I don't see how she is ignorant, her therapy style might just not match your needs. Why not try different t or give this one more time? Maybe she hopes to lead you on the right path in real life not just to help you build a relationship with her. I'd give her a chance and see if there is some benefit in her style


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[SarahSweden]

Well perhaps it is that way but as in life outside the therapy room, relationships just don´t exist out of their own, they have to be worked on. I think hardly no client feel comfortable out of nowhere even if the T thinks he or she has that effect on clients.

Originally Posted by CantExplain

Perhaps your T wants you to take the relationship for granted? To be so comfortable that you don't have to question it?

[SarahSweden]

I agree with you but unfortunately this T is the only T at this facility and if I want to change I´m on my own again. I won´t get any referalls as the health system doesn´t work that way here. I wish I could just tell her she´s too cold and that I want to move on but I have no alternatives.

I won´t stay if things don´t get better though, then I´ll leave because it´s then better without therapy.

Originally Posted by Torntwopcs

If your T puts no effort in understanding you or your needs and is bent on treating you in a way that is not healing, why waste your time? There are enough people in the world who will disrespect you, why pay for it? it's one thing to have differences of opinion with a T, that can be worked out, but to expect you to tolerate their ignorance and cold attitude is not acceptable.

Life is too short to put up with this kind of treatment. I'm sorry you were taken for granted - I was too.

[SarahSweden]

Yes, she said the thing about the relationship is taken for granted. As she does so little to show warmth and because she´s inconsistent I´ve come to these conclusions about her and her attitude towards clients and therapy. I don´t think she wants to make an extra effort.

I agree a relationship must have time to grow but when you begin to feel aversion towards a T, I don´t know if that´s repairable?

Originally Posted by ex vivo

Did she tell you all this? i wonder what she said to you and/or how she acted that allowed you to reach these conclusions?

I'm sorry you are having such a hard time trying to find a therapist.

I do think that relationships often take time. it isn't exactly automatic-like when i meet people, sometimes i feel connected right away, which i think can be transference at times; other times, my feelings grow for someone only after I've gotten to know them.

[Luce]

It sounds like this is not a good match for you.
So you have two choices: you can leave this therapy (and take on the resulting consequences - which are no therapy or you have to actively search for another one) OR
you can use this therapy to get what you can, understanding that you don't have the power to change the T or make her do what you wish she would do (that is to say accept her where she is at, accept you where you are at and figure out what benefit you can get out of the status quo).
She isn't acting how you want her to, I get that. But unfortunately that is the way of the world - people are themselves, we are ourselves, and the only person we can hope to change is us. We don't have any power over others, no matter how much we wish they would behave differently. We can talk to them about it... we can ask for what we need... and they have the personal freedom to change or not change, to give or not give it. We have the personal freedom to accept what is, or work for something better.

[BudFox]

Originally Posted by Luce

She isn't acting how you want her to, I get that. But unfortunately that is the way of the world - people are themselves, we are ourselves, and the only person we can hope to change is us.

Therapists are paid to serve the needs of the client. If the therapist is acting in ways that are unhelpful to the client, then perhaps they do need to change. Therapists are not supposed to be themselves, they are supposed to help the client. They can be themselves on their own time.

Or if they cannot change or if it's just a bad match, then the client can fire them, but then that does put Sarah in a bind in this case.

[cinnamon_roll]

Sarah,

you seem to be determined, over and over again, to focus on the things that don't work out between your therapist and you.

If I understand you correctly, this is your only option of therapy funded through the Swedish healthcare system. So you can either hate the fact that you are not free to choose the therapist you want and that you have to compromise and at the same time keep picking at shortcomings of your therapist and keep finding reasons while this won't work and keep avoiding by focusing on the meta-level instead of focusing on your problems in life.
This will take you nowhere.

Or you could ask yourself: Well, even if this is not the perfect therapist for me: What are the questions and areas that this therapist still could help me with and support me? It's not black and white. It's not that therapists can either help you or they can't. There's a big continuum inbetween. And it's up to you if you let her help you with your issues. She won't if you don't let her.

When I was in intensive inpatient treatment I couldn't chose my therapist. Which I found incredibly difficult. So out of control. So I deeply sympathize with your situation. But at the same time: Even though I wouldn't have chosen this therapist, had I been given the option, she was helpful for me in many areas. Were there things about her that I found difficult? You bet. But at the same time she was incredibly helpful for me. So I would have been pretty stupid to just focus on the not-so-helpful stuff, cause I would have missed out on the areas where she was able to help me grow and support me.

Live isn't perfect. Yes it would be wonderful, if you had other options. But you don't. So your only option is to use the oppotunity that you've been given or to quit altogether. It's up to you.

Start by being honest with her. That you find the situation per se difficult. She will probably know by now anyway. Stop focusing on the details of what she does or doesn't do. You cannot and won't change her.
But you can start to take a look: why do you find situations like this difficult, when control is being taken away from you. What can you do in order to gain a sense of agency in situations like this? And maybe, by focusing on different things you might realize, that your relationship might start to shift as well...

Wishing you all the best,
c_r

[BudFox]

Seems nothing is more of a crowd pleaser here than a good reprimand...

As far as i know it's not against the rules here to vent, even if it's in a manner that is repetitive or seems so to others. Please let people vent if they need to.

[SarahSweden]

I completely agree with you and when it comes to personality or chemistry issues I think it´s hard to find a good way of working together if the chemistry isn´t there.

I think a T should have a certain kind of spectrum in their way of behaving towards a client, for example having the ability to act with more warmth with a client who needs that approach and perhaps in a more distant way with a client who needs that.

Originally Posted by BudFox

Therapists are paid to serve the needs of the client. If the therapist is acting in ways that are unhelpful to the client, then perhaps they do need to change. Therapists are not supposed to be themselves, they are supposed to help the client. They can be themselves on their own time.

Or if they cannot change or if it's just a bad match, then the client can fire them, but then that does put Sarah in a bind in this case.

[SarahSweden]

I don´t focus only on specific things, I agree misunderstandings should be dealt upon but in this case it´s more about feeling this T:s whole attitude is far from what I need from a T.

She´s not that warm and caring and as the relationship is crucial for a therapy to work, I don´t think you can work on some issues and not others in order to adjust to a relationship that you don´t like. I could take if we disagreed on some issue but feeling there is not enough chemistry is another thing.

You can´t just shut of that you feel a T is too cold or what you find is bothering you and focus on some issues in life, you have to have a solid relationship to be able to trust and be willing to tell things in an open manner. At least I do.

Originally Posted by cinnamon_roll

Sarah,

you seem to be determined, over and over again, to focus on the things that don't work out between your therapist and you.

If I understand you correctly, this is your only option of therapy funded through the Swedish healthcare system. So you can either hate the fact that you are not free to choose the therapist you want and that you have to compromise and at the same time keep picking at shortcomings of your therapist and keep finding reasons while this won't work and keep avoiding by focusing on the meta-level instead of focusing on your problems in life.
This will take you nowhere.

Or you could ask yourself: Well, even if this is not the perfect therapist for me: What are the questions and areas that this therapist still could help me with and support me? It's not black and white. It's not that therapists can either help you or they can't. There's a big continuum inbetween. And it's up to you if you let her help you with your issues. She won't if you don't let her.

When I was in intensive inpatient treatment I couldn't chose my therapist. Which I found incredibly difficult. So out of control. So I deeply sympathize with your situation. But at the same time: Even though I wouldn't have chosen this therapist, had I been given the option, she was helpful for me in many areas. Were there things about her that I found difficult? You bet. But at the same time she was incredibly helpful for me. So I would have been pretty stupid to just focus on the not-so-helpful stuff, cause I would have missed out on the areas where she was able to help me grow and support me.

Live isn't perfect. Yes it would be wonderful, if you had other options. But you don't. So your only option is to use the oppotunity that you've been given or to quit altogether. It's up to you.

Start by being honest with her. That you find the situation per se difficult. She will probably know by now anyway. Stop focusing on the details of what she does or doesn't do. You cannot and won't change her.
But you can start to take a look: why do you find situations like this difficult, when control is being taken away from you. What can you do in order to gain a sense of agency in situations like this? And maybe, by focusing on different things you might realize, that your relationship might start to shift as well...

Wishing you all the best,
c_r

[cinnamon_roll]

Originally Posted by BudFox

Seems nothing is more of a crowd pleaser here than a good reprimand...

As far as i know it's not against the rules here to vent, even if it's in a manner that is repetitive or seems so to others. Please let people vent if they need to.

Well, I guess you were talking about my post? This wasn't about reprimanding. If it came across that way I'm sorry. All I was trying to do was to open up another perspective for Sarah. It's up to her to take it on or not.
As far as I'm concerned, Sarah can vent as much as she likes.

[Argonautomobile]

I'm sorry things still aren't working out. I think it's good you've stuck it out for so long, but I guess if the rapport isn't there, then it isn't there.

[Luce]

Originally Posted by BudFox

Therapists are paid to serve the needs of the client.

That is not true at all. No therapist is paid to 'serve the needs of the client'. That is not the purpose of therapy.

Therapists are paid to offer the service of therapy. Most will offer a particular type of therapy - the one that they are trained in. That may be psychoanalysis, life coaching, CBT, play therapy, Gestalt therapy or any of a whole range of other ones. They are trained in a finite range of therapeutic techniques that they will offer to clients, and most will only be comfortable working within their particular style and framework, based on their particular training.

A therapist can offer tools, and if the match is right the therapist will have the tools that respond to the needs of the client. But if the client's needs are different to the tools that are offered by the therapist, it may be necessary to accept that the match doesn't fit and find another therapist.

No therapist will respond to every need of a client. (It is actually impossible.) Clients can and should share their needs with a therapist, but any therapist worth their salt will define their boundaries and be clear about what they can and cannot do in relation to the client's needs.
Their job is not to 'serve your needs', but to encourage and support you to serve your own with the tools they have at their disposal (their training and therapeutic framework).

[lookinforhelp]

That's hard.. I have been in therapy at various times in my life.. I have problems trusting, which makes sharing information w a therapist very hard. I've been seeing various therapists for the past 9 yrs just to meet the requirements. just dealing with surface stuff. NEver making any real progress. I ended up with a new therapist in Oct. and within 2 sessions knew this was someone, who I could trust and build a relationship with. I have work thru more issues in the past 6 months, than I have in the past 15yrs... For some of us a relationship is important. He knows and understand what is really important to me. He also is making sure that I am advocating for myself and that I am being heard. I hope you can figure out how to make your situation work or figure out how to find someone else to work with..

Originally Posted by Luce

That is not true at all. No therapist is paid to 'serve the needs of the client'. That is not the purpose of therapy.

Therapists are paid to offer the service of therapy. Most will offer a particular type of therapy - the one that they are trained in. That may be psychoanalysis, life coaching, CBT, play therapy, Gestalt therapy or any of a whole range of other ones. They are trained in a finite range of therapeutic techniques that they will offer to clients, and most will only be comfortable working within their particular style and framework, based on their particular training.

A therapist can offer tools, and if the match is right the therapist will have the tools that respond to the needs of the client. But if the client's needs are different to the tools that are offered by the therapist, it may be necessary to accept that the match doesn't fit and find another therapist.

No therapist will respond to every need of a client. (It is actually impossible.) Clients can and should share their needs with a therapist, but any therapist worth their salt will define their boundaries and be clear about what they can and cannot do in relation to the client's needs.
Their job is not to 'serve your needs', but to encourage and support you to serve your own with the tools they have at their disposal (their training and therapeutic framework).

Excellent post.

[BudFox]

Originally Posted by Luce

No therapist will respond to every need of a client.

I'm talking about the serving the needs of the client professionally and therapeutically. I didn't say anything about serving the client's every need, or personal needs.

The therapist is a paid consultant hired by the client. They are paid to help the client, not just choose therapy "services" from a menu and dispense them in machine-like fashion. They need to be flexible and accommodating, not unbending and difficult. The tools you speak of are largely unproven anyway, so the relationship itself would seem to be make or break. And if the paid professional lacks the skills to form a decent relationship with the client, then maybe they do need to change, or find another line of work.

I don't know why you are explaining basic therapy concepts or issuing life lessons. The issue at hand is the OP's difficulties with a T that she finds to be inflexible and unhelpful. She is venting, as we all do, and presumably just wants to be heard.