How does therapy help with self-worth?

I told my therapist I need help with my self worth, which keeps getting worse the longer i'm in therapy with him.

He said talking is all we can do. Talking doesn't sound like a strategy to me, so I get really frustrated. I just need some help getting there, it makes me feel hopeless because we have been talking and it doesn't help.

I understand talking is something inherent to just about all therapies, so what is it about talking that helps improve self-worth?

I struggle with this also.

He didn't elaborate at all? Seems odd. What comes to my mind is the idea of positive mirroring and attunement. In therapy though this kind of thing is weird to me, ambiguous. So I dunno...

I really don't know as I don't struggle with self worth, but when I am confused on how something is supposed to help me then I ask. Could you ask your t what's helpful in having better self worth. Maybe not talking but something else?

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Talking about my self worth problems always made me feel worse because it wound up accentuating my negative thoughts, and then I'd wind up ruminating over how pathetic I was. Talking alone wasn't going to help me change my thought patterns. My t knew all of this and wouldn't let me talk but very little about my self loathing. Instead, she gave me a couple of quick, simple, mindfulness techniques to help change my thought patterns around this. They have really helped a lot. I still have a long way to go to improve but I've also come a long way from where I once was.

I sort of see your T's point, even if it seems sort of harsh and truncated...which is that at a certain point one needs to do things to increase one's self worth. At least, this was true for me. Finding and doing things that made me feel good about myself, made me feel accomplished, was extraordinarily difficult but also extraordinarily helpful. Working, volunteering, completing a difficult task--even if it was just something small like finishing a book I've always wanted to read. Therapy helped my self-worth in that my therapist helped me find those things, assigned them as "homework," and followed up on them.

Therapy also helped me identify unhelpful thought patterns and unconscious assumptions that made me feel like a worthless non-person. Identifying them meant I could bring them to the fore and work on them, decide in session if they were fair or rational. Sometimes my T would model ways to get out of them, or just straight-up tell me when I was wrong.

Anyway, just some thoughts. I hope you find a solution that works for you.

No, just talking. I think positive mirroring could help, but he doesn't do that.

We talk about this all the time. We end up going off into tangents about other things. I know some things that I could do that could be helpful, but I'm so depressed I can't yet do the things that would help.

((((AllHeart)))) I think I can find some things online about this as this isn't somewhere my T goes. I will look into this, thanks. I didn't have this problem before I got into therapy and got really depressed. It feels like the relationship with T makes me feel bad about myself, now that my core self is exposed, it feels like the relationship I had with my parents. He doesn't offer positive affirmations or show me affection like I read about other therapist. Doesn't tell me positive things. I feel so much shame all the time. I'm not sure that changing my thought patterns would help much.

((((musinglizzy)))) Is it getting better for you with your new therapist?

I used to be very active and "do things" before therapy and my depression, so I can certainly see how doing things can help. I didn't have a problem with self-worth before my depression. It's been going on so long..it's of the type where I have no motivation to do things, I have no energy, fatigued, can't concentrate or focus.

But I'm really most interested in how people feel nurtured in therapy, encouraged, inspired, loved, etc and how that impacts self-worth. How is that operationalized?

Yeah, I know what that's like. I hope you find a way through it.

I think it's hard to say how, exactly, it happens. I'm not sure therapists even know. I guess for me it all came down to nonjudgmental acceptance and positive mirroring. Here's this person, a virtual stranger, who accepts and even likes you despite knowing all the ugliest things about you. You bare your soul, and, hey, this person didn't cringe away in disgust, so you must not be so terrible after all, right?

Do you feel accepted by your T? Cared about? Liked? If not, maybe it's time to look for someone with a warmer therapeutic style?

Do you get the same bad reaction from your t that you get from your parents about a given subject? If you get a more neutral reaction, is that enough?

Yes, that's the type of information I'm looking for. I think he cares, but I don't feel accepted/liked. He doesn't give me positive mirroring or positive affirmations.

I didn't get any reaction from my parents, I was neglected my whole childhood. I was alone, by myself, and was like a little grown up then out on my own at a young age (15). I did not have any parenting.

I'm not sure what he'd be reacting to though? Reacting to things I've talked about? He doesn't react much to things I say

Have you considered the possibility of a negative transference? I expect that may be what I'm doing now with my T, after 6 years of basically good therapy that has allowed me to function better in the world (in some ways). But what I seem to be obsessing over is all the ineffective, hurtful, "bad" therapy and therapists who couldn't deal with the (likely same) negative transference when it appeared.

Would have helped, I think, if my T could have explained what was going on. Is that something that in your case you feel like you would like from your T?

Just in case this strikes a bell or seems interesting to you, here's a link.

Navigating Negative Transference | Psych Central Professional

How does resolving the negative transference help with self-worth? That's the unknown that I can't know until I know it because until it emerges I don't really know myself. Or something like that -- I think maybe I can see it coming but still not there yet.

And it may not work -- certainly won't if client and therapist can't actually work through the transference because the T is not good enough or isn't aware of his/her issues/countertransference or something.

Sounds extremely sad.

My therapist has helped me to see my self worth and reminds me of it when I am having a weak moment.

I hear you. Shame has got to be one of the worst demons to contend with. Is it possible your t doesn't tell you positive things because you are not in a place to safely receive them? I was so lowly, down on myself, and full of shame I couldn't bear to hear anything positive (from t or anyone) because it was very upsetting to me and always rejected by me. But that was me. It's just a though that there may be a reason your t isn't providing you with positive things. Have you asked him about that at all?

Also, changing your thought patterns could help improve your self esteem. Instead of constantly beating yourself up with bad thoughts about yourself, you try to stop them dead in their tracks. If you want the quick techniques that my t taught me, let me know.

my t said something about tackling core issues and that will help me. i am not one bring up really painful past issues. maybe this is what your t means. i dont know anything about yor hisyory

Sent from my GT-S6500T using Tapatalk 2

In my opinion, your T isn't using the right methods to foster self-worth. He may not be the kind of T you need. I am reading Attachment in Psychotherapy, by Wallin, and learning how a T can use the relationship and especially non-verbal cues from the client, to cause changes. It's not just talk therapy; it's the relationship that makes a difference.

My T is attuned to my non-verbal cues and we discuss how I feel in the present moment in the therapy room with her. The relationship itself builds up my self-worth. It's in the little things, her praise of my artwork, of the cookies I bring her, the way I'm coping with my life now. It's a process. I don't think I'm explaining it very well. It's something I experience with my T, kind of like re-parenting. I think that would be beneficial to you, but it doesn't seem like your T works that way. He should be making you feel better about yourself, not causing you to feel shame. The goal is for your relationship with your T to be different from the one you had with your parents, not the same.

It takes time. A lot of time.
Your negative self-worth developed over years and/or decades. So it might take some time to reverse the direction and see positive ideas about yourself grow.

What made a difference for me:

• Making a list of my negative ideas about myself, taking those ideas into therapy and talking with T about it. Ultimately all those ideas (like I'm not good enough, I'm a nuisance etc.) were connected for me.
• This won't make those negative preconceptions go away. So be prepared for a lot of effort.
• I made another list where I tried to find the "opposite" ideas to those negative ones. This was a really difficult one. Talked a lot about those with T as well. At the time this felt like a shallow excercise, like going through the motions, for the sake of doing it.
• When I was in intensive inpatient treatment, I actually performed some sort of little "ritual" and threw some big stones into the nearby river - one for each of the main negative thoughts. This gave me something tangible to hold on to in times when those thoughts would return in a massive way in the sense of "I did get rid ot those thoughts, those are the echoes, that keep returning..."
  Doing this was my own idea, I just felt the need for it. Had someone told me I "had" to do this, I would have flat out refused.
• I actively tried to replace the negative thoughts with the positive ones. I collected a number of little flat stones and wrote the positive thoughts on those stones. Or I drew a symbol. Each morning I would decide which of those stones would be the "right one" for today. And I carried this stone with me during the day, each time I touched it or remembered it or during difficult situations I made an active effort to remember this positive thought about myself. With time, I found that just carrying one of those stones in my pocket was soothing and helfpul. Again, this was my own idea, what felt fitting at the moment. If I had been directed to do so, this would have brought out my stubborn side.
• With the help of my T we worked on "symbolic positive triggers" and anchoring those positive beliefs into my body memory. We did a lot of imaginative work in this area. For instance, she would ask me to imagine a situation when I felt "good" about myself. To imagine this situation, what does it feel like in my body, where do I feel it? This situation could be some every-day-activity like riding my bike without holding on to the handlebar while listening to one of my favourite songs. So opening my arms wide, thinking about my bike or this favourite song over time became positive triggers for feeling good about myself. Sounds weird, and I was very sceptical at first, but it actually does work over time. It takes a lot of reinforcing those positive cues though, over and over again.
• What made another huge impact was taking a meditation class, I was looking for a mindful based stress reduction kind of thing, and by chance ended up in a "mindful self compassion" class, because I found the teacher very impressive. This class actually taught me another set of excercises and meditations that are helpful in dealing with ourselves in a more (self)compassionate way.

Those are the steps that I've been taking over the last couple of years. I'm not saying that those might help for everyone. You probably have to find out what fits for you and develop your own ideas what might be helpful for your particular situation. Generally it helps to be proactive, to try out different things, to seek input from you T, to find out together how T can support you. Be prepared to do most of this work yourself. There is no magic potion (unfortunately). T is something like your navigator, or your guide, providing the frame, but ultimately you have to put one foot in front of the other yourself. Again and again. You need a lot of patience, since you probably won't see immediate results (at least I didn't). It helps if your T can reflect on your visible improvements from the outside, since you yourself probably won't notice at first. Also T would quite often ask me: Remember how you felt about this one last year? Do you notice a difference? Most of the time I had to admit (sometimes grundingly ) that there was a tangible difference in my self-perception. So it helps to have someone at your side who can spot the difference and point it out to you.


Over a period of a couple of years those steps (probably a few more that I can't remember right now) really helped to "re-write" my programm with negative ideas about myself. I even had to think really hard right now to come up with one or two examples of those negative ideas, because they normally don't pop automatically into my head any longer. There are still moments when they pop up, and they probably won't disappear for good. But I am able to actively contrast them with a positive idea, and since we worked a lot on those positive triggers, anchors and symbols, I am able to recall the positive feeling that's connected with the idea, and this too me really helps a lot.


Hope you'll find a way to work on your self-worth that really makes a difference for you.

c_r

My T works with solution-focused therapy and for a long time we worked on identifying my internal resources (my skills, strengths and qualities). I feel it has really helped me with my self-worth, though I do still have a long way to go.

Thanks for sharing all that helped.

Rainbow-your post spoke to me the most. I was trying to explain to my T last week about positive affirmations, couldn't think of examples of what that would look like, and he mocked me in a strong sarcastic voice. It intensified the already existing shame.

I sough the therapy relationship for healing. All the reprogramming and stuff sounds ideal in theory, and I can see how it works for some, but I just don't have the base from which to build on. There have been no loving experiences in childhood, so there is nothing to build on.

Everything seems so bleak-I need someone to show me what the other world is like. What it could be like. Showing me positive things about myself, giving me the hope and compassion I lack until I can get there myself.

I'm looking for another therapist to help me end this relationship, and then i'm going to quit therapy altogether. Ending this relationship feels so traumatic to me, I can't go through this again.

Wow this sounds very upsetting and painful. WHat triggered the sarcasm? Sorry you are up against this.

Wow, what an a-hole. Sounds terrible.

Yes, sounds like he definitely lost it.

Your T reacting with sarcasm sounds horrible, and very untherapeutic. If he does stuff like that no wonder you are feeling lousy. I think that therapy has the potential to help with self worth. I remember once telling my t about an incident that occurred when I was left alone at the age of 3. My T picked out how well I'd handled it and looked after myself, which made me feel good, I had never looked at the incident like that. I think that there are a lot of subtle things that a T can do that can help.

Well, it's not just you saying words into thin air. It's what happens to what you say in the theraputic space, which in turn is them internalised and a new inner experience is had.