My T said she doesn't understand why I have no anger inside me. I don't have the energy for anger.
So this is what she said. "I'm sorry Anglo, I keep doing that. I keep getting it wrong, I don't mean to, but I'm sensing anger and outrage when it's not coming from you. It's coming from me. I'm outraged for you."

The conversation carried on like that she explained the same thing again and then we moved on. I don't understand it, admittedly I don't accept care or concern very well, but I thought T's were meant to have their emotions in check? I know she's human but it's thrown me off a bit because I have no idea how to interpret what was said. How would you react? Can you please give me some ways to think about this? I'm clueless.

[Argonautomobile]

I'm not personally a big fan of my T feeling things on my behalf. Not that he really does it, but therapy is not a place where I feel much like having to deal with other people's emotions in addition to my own. That said, I've read accounts (here and elsewhere) where people appreciated their T's feeling the things they could not. Especially in the context of abuse, it can be an essential exercise in reality-testing to have somebody else say "actually, yes, that was a really horrible thing that happened."

I'm sorry your T's reaction was confusing. I'd be confused too.

[PinkFlamingo99]

My T has expressed anger 3 times to me and it helped a lot. I have trouble feeling angry as well. She told me she was angry with my unethical ex-T and that was *hugely* healing because I struggled so much with wondering whether that was my fault. She also expressed anger at an ex-coworker who was harassing me, and most recently at my boss for how she fired me. It helped me a lot to know those things weren't my fault.

[itjustis]

My T expresses her emotions a lot and I really appreciate it. Makes me realise it's ok to have these emotions and feel them.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[Bipolar Warrior]

My private therapist will say things like, "That makes me very sad," or, "That's upsetting." I don't mind it, and I think I would dislike talking to someone who seemed totally unaffected by what I was saying. I know I have a tendency to tell her about something sad and then joke about it because I feel uncomfortable. I guess expressing those emotions is her way of validating my experiences.

My university therapist is a bit more vocal about it. She has also said, multiple times, that she is angry on my behalf, and that she wants me to be angry, too. She often tells me what I should be feeling, which I guess I need to hear because I've just shut those feelings off. I blame myself for everything, so I struggle to direct feelings of anger at something outside of myself. Generally, if my uni therapist feels something, she'll say it. It doesn't bother me that she expresses her feelings, but it is often hard for me to stomach all that compassion because I'm not used to it and don't believe I deserve it.

I struggle with anger too. But I would so love for my T to say something to me like what your T said to you. I can only trust someone when they are completely open with me, so I struggle a LOT with the blank slate approach. If I don't know what they're thinking, I can't trust their intentions. Unfortunately my T is very much a blank slate, and it causes a lot of problems for me. I would 100% prefer to know his negative thoughts, than to know no thoughts. The thought that he might be sad for me, or angry for me ... Thats another league. I imagine that being a really validating, very incredible moment. But I would have to think that he meant it - and wasn't just saying what he thought had the most therapeutic value.

[retro_chic]

My T doesn't really express emotion for me but she will sometimes say things like "that must make you feel very *insert emotion*" and I'll be like yeah, actually it does, I never realised that before. I tend to block out a lot of my emotions (particularly in session) so I find it helpful when T does this. Often I won't know why I'm feels by so unhappy and then T points something out like that and it all starts to make a bit more sense.

[PinkFlamingo99]

I also like it when I say something like "am I frustrating you?" And she says "no, but you're in so much pain and it makes me really sad."

I never thought it was okay to be sad for myself before.

My therapist does this. I find it helpful. It makes me think that maybe it is ok to have feelings, if she can do it.

[stopdog]

I don't want them doing it. I find it presumptuous and arrogant to think they can feel something on my behalf. If they have feelings of their own, I expect them to keep those to themselves and not bother me with them. I don't look at anything the therapist does or does not do and think that makes it okay to do or have or not. I am usually more like "why the hell would I care what you do about X"

[ejayy78]

My therapist (appropriately) expresses two emotions for me: anger and sadness. I have a lot of trouble letting myself feel those things, and when I do feel angry or sad, I am not always kind to myself. I handle my emotions poorly in general, but with those two, I seem to completely dive off the deep end. I like that she does it. It helps me to see what it looks like to express those emotions in a healthy, safe way.

Originally Posted by PinkFlamingo99

My T has expressed anger 3 times to me and it helped a lot. I have trouble feeling angry as well. She told me she was angry with my unethical ex-T and that was *hugely* healing because I struggled so much with wondering whether that was my fault. She also expressed anger at an ex-coworker who was harassing me, and most recently at my boss for how she fired me. It helped me a lot to know those things weren't my fault.

Is it that you have a problem expressing it? Or you don't feel it?
I ask because my T thinks I should be angry, but I don't and haven't had the capacity to be angry for years now. I don't remember the last time I felt angry, agitated occasionally, but never angry.

[Cinnamon_Stick]

My T has expressed her emotions to me and for me. She has teared up a couple of times and it made me feel like it was ok to express my emotions if she can be vulnerable in our sessions.

[feralkittymom]

I guess I react a little differently to this than others. What I hear in your post is that your T is admitting that she has experienced a lack of clarity about who's feeling the anger. She thought you were feeling anger, only to realize that the anger is hers for you. I suppose it's good that she's catching herself and articulating that to you, so as to not add to your confusion--but it doesn't seem to be having that effect.

Ts use their emotional reactions in order to be attuned, and some orientations suggest sharing that info with a client, others suggest it be kept to self. But either way, it's important that the T has clarity about where the felt emotions are coming from. It sounds to me as though she's exploring whether the anger belongs 100% to her, or whether she's feeling suppressed anger in you. When you say you don't feel anger, if she thinks the circumstances would usually lead to someone feeling anger, she may be wondering why you don't recognize an anger feeling in yourself.

If it doesn't work for you to have her sharing her emotional process with you, tell her.

[PinkFlamingo99]

Originally Posted by Anglo

Is it that you have a problem expressing it? Or you don't feel it?
I ask because my T thinks I should be angry, but I don't and haven't had the capacity to be angry for years now. I don't remember the last time I felt angry, agitated occasionally, but never angry.

I only feel it toward my mother. With that it's like burning rage. I don't feel angry ever, at any other time. A guy I work with ended up being fired for sexually harassing me and threatening me, and all I felt was guilt. I got hurt horribly by an unethical ex-therapist and all I felt was self-blame, confusion, guilt. I wish I could feel angry, I think it's important for self-protection. I know a lot of people diagnosed with BPD have anger issues, and I don't meet the diagnostic criteria but I have many strong traits of it, I've always wondered if this was just the flip side of the coin.

She actually said about the ex-therapist that she wished she could call her and tell her how badly it messed me up because it made her so angry for me. She also apogized afterward and said it might have been unprofessional but she lost her temper when she heard. I actually appreciated it because I was confused about whether it was my fault or not.

Originally Posted by feralkittymom

Ts use their emotional reactions in order to be attuned, and some orientations suggest sharing that info with a client, others suggest it be kept to self. But either way, it's important that the T has clarity about where the felt emotions are coming from. It sounds to me as though she's exploring whether the anger belongs 100% to her, or whether she's feeling suppressed anger in you. When you say you don't feel anger, if she thinks the circumstances would usually lead to someone feeling anger, she may be wondering why you don't recognize an anger feeling in yourself.
.

When my T asks how I feel I tell her I feel disappointed and let down. She asks me why I don't get angry towards my abusers, I just don't have any anger inside me. I used to get angry and be self destructive until I decided that I was being hurt enough, and I didn't need to hurt myself on top of the abuse. After that, I just don't feel angry.

[Waterbear]

Originally Posted by Anglo

When my T asks how I feel I tell her I feel disappointed and let down. She asks me why I don't get angry towards my abusers, I just don't have any anger inside me. I used to get angry and be self destructive until I decided that I was being hurt enough, and I didn't need to hurt myself on top of the abuse. After that, I just don't feel angry.

That's how I feel. Anger just hurts me so I don't see why I would bother with it. If I can learn how to express it then surely it hurts whoever it gets expressed to as well so why would I do that. Everyone keeps telling me that I have a right to be angry, that I might feel some anger about it etc but this confuses me. Maybe I am just seeing it all wrong. I don't know.

Originally Posted by Anglo

My T said she doesn't understand why I have no anger inside me. I don't have the energy for anger.
So this is what she said. "I'm sorry Anglo, I keep doing that. I keep getting it wrong, I don't mean to, but I'm sensing anger and outrage when it's not coming from you. It's coming from me. I'm outraged for you."

The conversation carried on like that she explained the same thing again and then we moved on. I don't understand it, admittedly I don't accept care or concern very well, but I thought T's were meant to have their emotions in check? I know she's human but it's thrown me off a bit because I have no idea how to interpret what was said. How would you react? Can you please give me some ways to think about this? I'm clueless.

I think it sounds a bit like a T fresh out of counselling 101.
A therapist meets plenty of cllients who react differently to their abuse. It's not so surprising or unusual to have to wait a while and explore what really is going on underneath.

Originally Posted by Waterbear

That's how I feel. Anger just hurts me so I don't see why I would bother with it. If I can learn how to express it then surely it hurts whoever it gets expressed to as well so why would I do that. Everyone keeps telling me that I have a right to be angry, that I might feel some anger about it etc but this confuses me. Maybe I am just seeing it all wrong. I don't know.

Maybe we've had too much negativity in our lives to be concerned with anger?

We have a right to feel it, but we just don't? I think when people look at situations from the outside it's easy to feel emotions of anger and outrage because of mistreatment, but living through that mistreatment you learn ways to cope that avoid or don't include anger. My T thinks I saw anger in such an extreme way that it's scared me so much I can't express my own anger. The problem with this is, there is no anger inside me to be scared of.

I agree about the fear of anger - I definitely have that. Its hard to see how something so destructive can be a positive thing. But also, I think perhaps its because to other people, the mistreatment we experienced was mistreatment. But to me - it was just normal. Its not out of the ordinary, and is an accepted - I don't know - way of life I guess. (An attitude reinforced by family). Maybe in order to feel anger, I first have to accept that my normality is not the norm - and that many other people experience a childhood so completely different to mine, it makes mine worthy of being at angry at. I haven't fully realised that yet, and so I don't have anything to be angry at yet.

Originally Posted by CassyO

I agree about the fear of anger - I definitely have that. Its hard to see how something so destructive can be a positive thing. But also, I think perhaps its because to other people, the mistreatment we experienced was mistreatment. But to me - it was just normal. Its not out of the ordinary, and is an accepted - I don't know - way of life I guess. (An attitude reinforced by family). Maybe in order to feel anger, I first have to accept that my normality is not the norm - and that many other people experience a childhood so completely different to mine, it makes mine worthy of being at angry at. I haven't fully realised that yet, and so I don't have anything to be angry at yet.

You've just put into words everything I've struggled to say to my T.
When she explained herself to me, I said "you're trying to help and I'm being vague." She instantly told me that I was very clear and that it's her that was wrong. And then she said what I'd written in my initial post.
I'm going to think about what you've said and if it applies to me as much as it does now, I'll talk to my T about it next session. Thank you

[Bill3]

Maybe in order to feel anger, I first have to accept that my normality is not the norm - and that many other people experience a childhood so completely different to mine, it makes mine worthy of being at angry at. I haven't fully realised that yet, and so I don't have anything to be angry at yet.

If/when you got angry as a child, what happened?

[feralkittymom]

There was a lot of scary anger in my home, but anger expressed by children was not allowed. I'm sure that resulted in some fear of anger for me; but I'm not sure it's possible to suppress one emotion without suppressing other emotions. I think that was what happened for me, and resulted in depression. And as therapy unlocked other emotions, anger followed. But I did have to experience "safer" emotions before I could feel my anger. And after a lot of work, I was able to feel anger as a positive power more than as a destructive force.

[Katieissweet]

She was empathising with you,which is what caring therapists should do,she's not a robot.

Originally Posted by Bill3

If/when you got angry as a child, what happened?

Most of the time, my mum and sister had to out anger me. They are both quite extreme, and volatile. So if I got angry, most of the time they would shout louder / be meaner / get physical. If they didn't react to my anger with greater anger, or if I tried to talk about things in a mature way, they just ridiculed me, told me I was wrong, I was difficult, Im never satisfied etc etc.