Really really really really awful day

Just want to chime in that the ER doc was a complete a-hole! This is NOT your fault, and eff him!

I am glad you are staying at a crisis center and gave your razors to your T. Please keep reaching out as often as needed.

The ER doc's attitude just stems from ignorance. You have no reason to feel guilty. He doesn't understand your situation and issues of the mind and clearly doesn't take his oath of "first, do no harm" seriously. I'm sorry you had this experience. His ugly words aimed at you only reflects badly on him.

Thanks so much everyone for your support! It's hard because I have spent the past year in therapy trying to get over my fear of going to the ER for stitches, and this is only the second time I have gone willingly and admitted I needed it, so it had finally gone to that point. I cut very deep and my treatment team are always worried about sepsis or something before they can intervene, I also end up with horrible hypertrophic/raised huge itchy and painful scars from not getting stitches. Now I get asked directly every appointment about cuts (it's way harder to lie than just not tell them) so they can make me get medical care, and one of the reasons why I'm doing the PHP is so they can make sure I get stitches if I cut because the hours I'm there will pretty much always be enough to give me time to get stitches if I need them.

But I've been doing my best to get any SH tended to myself, and this is the second time I have gone without my pdoc or T forcing me to go. The last time was in February. One of the main reasons is feeling like they're wasting their time on me or that they're judging me, and we've spent a lot of time working on those feelings.

This doctor did a whole ton of stitches on me last week and they were deep. My T and pdoc both read my ER notes to me to make me see how serious my SH problem is. The notes written by this guy talked about how deep/severe and dangerous my cutting is. So he knew that, and it kind of hurts that he just let me leave without medical care and also said something that pretty much anyone would consider to be highly triggering. According to policy, he shouldn't have let me leave the ER at all because I was labelled as monitored/psych by the triage nurse which means I can't leave without being evaluated by a pdoc.

The stupid thing is that I'm having a hard time not taking it in. I know that the cuts are my fault and that there are a lot of people waiting. I know I'm out of control and I've been on high self-destruct since I got fired. I keep going over him asking with disgust, "how did psychiatry deal with you?" And wondering what kind of answer he could possibly want.



right now I feel like there is nothing that will be strong enough to force me to get stitches again. I feel so stupid and worthless. It hurts. I want my job back. I want to just snap out of how I feel. I have trouble calling it an "illness," because it just seems like a bunch of dumb things I do.

Hugs and healing

My pastor is leaving at the beginnjng of June and I'm just shoving that out of my head because it feels like too much to deal with. I don't want to think about her not being here in this city, or there when I need her, even just for a hug. It hurts. I also feel bad that it hurts so much because she's getting older and she's tired. I know she needs to retire. When I look at her she even looks tired. I know lately she worries a lot about me and it makes her sad. She doesn't understand my SH at all, but it scares her. It's hard because I can't really use her for support lately, and I'm just really heartbroken she's leaving so soon. I feel very alone.

On top of that, I might be moved to the PHP at another hospital that's for people who are more seriously ill, and if I am, that means I can't see my normal therapist (bureaucracy) for 6 weeks. Which is stupid, to have a new therapist for 6 weeks. I will have to change in August anyway (bureaucracy again, because the current therapist I have works in a less intensive program but they fasttracked me and there were no individual therapists ready in that program until August), but that will be a permanent change and it will be with another therapist who specializes in SH, and someone my current therapist knows well and chose for me, so she'll help me with it. This just seems like a stressful and stupid change, because who wants to open up to someone they will only see for 6 weeks?

I can't get this out of my head... I wonder which patients he means...

Perhaps it is the woman who just got rushed in after a massive heart attack who has been smoking for forty years and living on fried foods?

Perhaps it is the seventeen year old boy who had to be life flighted in to the ER after a horrific car accident he had while texting his girlfriend while driving down the highway.

Perhaps it is the poor fellow who came by ambulance after he fell into a diabetic coma after eating a quart of ice cream and a box of twinkies.

I wish I knew who these people he's referring to who didn't hurt themselves are?

I know. I've been thinking about this, too. I'm not convinced that the medical community (though particularly those that work in urgent care/emergency) is very good at the whole "non-judgement/unconditional positive regard/service/humility" thing. I've found it better in some areas--women's health and mental/behavioral health--but outside those specialties, not so much.

It's like they get tunnel vision, and there's nothing in the culture that encourages self-policing or stepping back and trying to have a little compassion. I'm not sure all of them even realize what they're doing--which is deciding who is "worthy" of medical care. Which is disgraceful. There's a long history of this (Think "oh that poor kid who got HIV from a blood transfusion" VS "That promiscuous f** who gave himself AIDS")

It's not that I don't understand break-room frustration. It's hard to see people do the same things to hurt themselves over and over again, particularly when you don't understand the behavior (I'm not talking about you, Pink. You don't deserve that kind of treatment. I'm so sorry this happened to you.) But there's a big difference between a venting session over coffee and the incredible God complex that Pink's ER doc exhibited. It's a shame.

Thanks. It's funny because the other ER doctor I saw last week was SO nice, and he said this exact thing to me. He said never to apologize for an illness and that nobody would choose this. He said a lot of patients do things that are their "fault" like the heart attack one, but it's mostly mental health that is stigmatized like this.

I think sometimes even my team from psychiatry finds it hard to believe because the ER doctors would not come out and say these things directly to psychiatry. I had this one social worker who was completely horrible to me, but in front of my therapist and pdoc just acted like it was some mild form of "tough love." It drove me nuts. I even said to my T, "you know, she doesn't talk to me in front of you the same way she talks to me alone." She actually admitted that it happens though.

It's hard to be treated within psychiatry now like I'm in desperate need of help, or going through a crisis abd being given more and more support, and then feel like I don't have the right to medical help in the ER. It's really confusing about whether this is an illness or not. They are so nice/understanding within psychiatry (although my pdoc can be kind of strict when it comes to my safety), that it just feels so awful/strange to be treated like that in the ER. I almost wish my T had been with me so she would know how bad it can be. The doctor hadn't even closed the examining room door and a ton of peoplr were in the hallway to hear our exchange and see



I don't think I've ever felt so ashamed.

I talked about this on the phone with my pdoc when I was in the hospital bathroom crying. He told me that stitches for my cuts were a medical neccessity



and not something that either I or the hospital doctor had the option of stitching because at that level it's dangerous not to close them. I thought it was odd that my pdoc was convinces it was a "clear medical issue" that he sent me over to another hospital for (as opposed to, say, going in and saying you were suicidal which is more of a psychiatric issue), but the ER doctor considered it psychiatric (or maybe not even? More of a morality issue?) and had no problem making it clear I was a waste of time.

This makes me think of my gynecologist, who I had to see a couple months ago for STD tests after I cheated on my husband*. I made a comment to her at the end about how I appreciated her not acting judgmental. And I said I guessed she probably saw all kinds of stuff in there. She said, "We deal with real life." And that really spoke to me. Like, she's there to help people with their medical issues, not pass judgment.

*He knows and has somehow forgiven me, and I'm working on forgiving myself. I feel like what I did was a sort of self-harm, like self-sabotage, like I don't deserve this loving husband, so let me mess it all up. We're working through it with the help of our marriage counselor.

She sounds really nice and it's not up to her to judge you anyway. I think she sees that.

I also ran into a similar issue with medical professionals when I was very heavy. I used to be 5'2 and almost 300 lbs and I got a LOT of nasty comments about how I didn't need medical help, I needed to eat better and exercise. Ouch. Now that I've lost a ton of weight, unless the doctor sees me for something related to my mental health, I get treated more like a human.

Well, that the ER people won't say this sort of **** in front of your psychiatric team says a lot about who's right and who knows better, don't you think? Yes, this is clearly a medical issue. You needed and had a right to that care. I don't know how much experience you have getting urgent care for non-SI/psychiatric problems, but in my experience ER workers are often total moralizing assholes. (IE: my UTI wouldn't have happened if only I weren't such a filthy dumbass and understood that one must wipe from front to back).

I wouldn't think of this as an issue of how to categorize problems (ie: medical or psychiatric). That's a false dichotomy in many cases. Instead, it's a matter of decency, the people who exhibit it, and the pricks that don't.

Take care of yourself, Pink.

I understand the self-doubt, I have that too about my depression. It isn't an illness, its just ME. THe thing that i am doing, and what you need to keep doing, is just keep talking to your T and pdoc about those feelings. I really hope one day you will look back on this time as a very sad and hurt Pink, but know it wasn't you just doing "dumb" things. People don't hurt themselves for fun. People hurt themselves because they are in pain. If that ER doctor doesn't understand it, too bad. He is a giant d-bag anyway!

I'm sorry your pastor is leaving I know how much support she's been for you. I think it is probably a good idea to go to a hospital for more serious self-harm, because getting stitched for 3 hours, and all the other details you wrote is SERIOIUS. Extremely! Do you not think it is?

And that will be really crappy to have to deal with a different T for 6 weeks, but just try to think of it as a temporary stabilizing therapist, just to help you figure out how to lessen your urges and cutting. Are you allowed to contact your T at all while in there? No phone calls or anything? That will be hard, but just remember you can stlil go back and see your T after 6 weeks, even though you know you'll need to transfer again But at least yoru T is helping you with that. Right now, you are in survival mode, and I'd just go with whatever your T/Pdoc are saying right now. You seem to trust them, and i think that is a good thing.

I know you are going to find it really hard to go to the ER again, and I 100% understand why. Maybe if you can be brave enough next time you need stitches, you can mention to the nurse or whomever that Dr X was REALLY rude to you about this, and is there anyone else who could do it? I don't know...or maybe call and complain? That shouldn't happen again, and you know he is being a supreme d!ck to other patients. Just remember that he doesn't understand, and that is not your fault.

Oh yeah, also about your job firing. That was a really crappy situation, and in the long run, I think that maybe you will see it is a good thing. People did not treat you the way you should be treated. They made you feel like this was your fault, they took advantage of a vulnerable person, and you don't need any of that.

I think your focus needs to be 100% on recovery right now. This is a very serious situation that should be taking all your attention and focus. Keep posting here if it helps <3

Is it possible to go to another hospital next time?

Good luck with the PHP tomorrow.

So many things are happening to you in such a short period of time. I'm sorry you have to deal with a new therapist, and that your pastor is leaving, in addition to everything else that's going on right now.

I guess the question we all need to keep asking ourselves is, "Would I be this judgmental if it were another person going through the same stuff that I'm currently going through?" Because for most of us, the answer will most likely be "no". We judge ourselves so harshly, when we would be so compassionate towards other people in a similar situation.

I am very hard on myself. I am typing these words to you, and I am being completely sincere, and yet I would never say the same things to myself. I believe I am a horrible person who does stupid things, like set myself up for failure because I think I am supposed to fail anyway. Also, last week I ate three times in four days. I can go entire days without eating. That seems like a very stupid thing to do. Also, my sleep cycle is completely f-ed up. What on earth is wrong with me? Why do I do these things to myself? I should force myself to eat. I should force myself not to take naps in the afternoon and to not stay up all night. Why do I do this self-destructive nonsense?

But I don't do those things for sh***its and giggles, do I? I struggle with insomnia and hypersomnia when I'm depressed, and it's hard to establish a healthy sleep pattern. Eating is a thing I have to force myself to do (so is taking my meds), and sometimes I just can't. Sometimes I'm even too tired to make food. I know not eating is a stupid, self-destructive thing, but I do it anyway. Maybe a part of me wants to feel terrible, wants the headaches and the dizziness and the non-functioning brain. I don't know. Maybe it numbs the emotional pain. My parents judge me for it, tell me I'm being stupid and not behaving like an adult or whatever, and that feels like the truth to me. So why do I keep doing it?

However, I can certainly be compassionate towards you, because I truly believe that you are not to blame for any of your pain, and you're not stupid. You have an illness. And in fact I believe that mental illness is physical, because it is caused by a faulty nervous system. Something has gone wrong in your body. Also, isn't the brain a part of the body?! Is it not, in fact, the organ that controls everything?

This is a really good post. I'm the same way in that I'm much harder on myself than on anybody else. I feel lots of compassion for others and still accept people I care about when they make mistakes. Yet I have trouble doing that for myself. Pink, you seem like a really caring person, so as BipolarWarrior said, try treating yourself like you would someone else in your position.

And I hope the PHP goes well tomorrow. Please let us know how it goes (when you have time, of course).