[Ellahmae]

Continued From - Dear T: XVI

[justdesserts]

Dear T--One more day until I can talk to you about this week of pain. I hate the way everything has happened, but have you noticed that I didn't text or call. I haven't wanted to bother you, even though you say you it's not a problem. I don't want to be too much, so you'll say no more. I know the way it's always worked best for me with people I care about is to ask little and few expectations. Then I don't end up disappointed.

[Ellahmae]

Darling T,

How am I supposed to be so open and free with you? I fear judgement that I know won't come but it's still there. I don't know how to let go. Yesterday's session was wonderful. Fluffy not hard and tragic and painful. I know there won't be many of those unless I want to be in therapy until I'm 100 years old but it was nice. I'm so thankful we were brought together and you're my T - even if you are unconventional in many ways.

EM

[qwertykeyboard]

I hope you're enjoying your session with someone else today

[LonesomeTonight]

Dear MC,
So you may or may not realize this, but you have this generally calming effect on me. Like just being in your presence calms me, without you even having to say anything. H knows this, and it came up tonight. He said that he's not entirely comfortable with it. Which made me feel weird. I feel like maybe this is something we need to discuss in our re-re-scheduled appointment Friday (thanks, blizzard!) But I don't know how. Is he threatened? Is it that he's bothered that he doesn't have this same calming effect on me? I mean, it's not like I'm saying you turn me on, just that you calm me. (And as I said to him, there are other people I know or have known that have had a calming influence. So it's not just you.) But I don't know how to approach it in session without it being weird...

[Cinnamon_Stick]

I am so glad there was a cancelation and I can see you tomorrow. This session will be hard but I feel better knowing you will be there by my side.

I think you and I are going to be close for a long, long, time. Just like you said we would.

Hey t. I want to play in the sand tomorrow while we talk. But I also want to sit on the floor while we talk. I think the sand will have to wait.

[junkDNA]

t,

i emailed you 5 or 6 times. not long ones. um, sorry. bad mental health day. voices/thoughts/whatever is living in my brain......... please go away. PLEASEEEEE

im glad i can come to game night tomorrow. i hope im better by then.

kinda hated all of today T, except the part whe i was asleep

me

I cried last session and will pay for that. One day i will tell all.

I don't know what brand of voodoo you practice but can you explain it? I'm not the sort of person likes mysteries. I know you will say that you did nothing, that it was all me but you must have seen a switch somewhere to initiate all the that crying I did.

[Chummy]

Dear T

I was doing my ''homework'' and I took out my old workbook, that one fromabout 3 years ago. There were also some loose papers in it. One of those was an email I wrote to you and your reply to that. It was a long email and at the end some more encouraging words. I feel like you overestimate me. You think I can do more than I actually can (or I think I can). You think I'm strong, but I'm not strong. You think I can do it, if only I try my best and don't do the things for less than 50%. But I can't do it.

Reading that email, it gave me a sad feeling. Like I miss something? Do I miss how things were back then? Do I miss how our relationship was back then? Do I miss having a T without kids, without a fat belly? Your pregnancy, you leaving me, it hurts me.
I feel like something is different. Ever since you start working at this new place, I don't know, something seems off. It feels like that.

And ow you're pregnant. How am I going to get through these last two months with you? Your leaving will be in the back of my mind the whole time. Your fat belly that will get bigger and bigger wil remind me every time. It distracts me.
I just want to yell at you. But I also don't. I don't want to ruin things. Though you already sort of have.

I feel sad and hopeless and lonely. We can talk about that and you can say BS like 'a new T can be a positive things for you', but it won't change my feelings and thoughts. Maybe it will change after you leave me and I have a new T. I don't kow. Maybe it won't. Maybe that T won't understand me, won't be useful and then I can only get more angry on you and all that has to do with therapy.

I don't know what to do.

What you did to me is NOT OK!! It will never be OK!! You were never meant to meet HER!! You were NEVER MEANT TO HUMLIATE ME!! YOU & SHE were never meant to disgrace me!! YOU BOTH DID IT WITH MALICE and don't ever think that OTHERS are dumb enough not to see it. THEY KNOW!! YOUR COLLEAGUES KNOW!! EVERYONE KNOWS YOU' RE A LIAR AND IF THEY THINK THAT YOU ARE DIFFERENT WITH THEM, THEN THEY ARE FOOLS!! YOU ARE USING THEM JUST AS YOU USED ME!!

Dear T: I see you, too.

[iheartjacques]

7 weeks gone, 2 more to go. Okay, I'm getting used to not seeing you, but if it came to the point of not seeing you again, I don't know how long that would take me to get over it. I miss you so much.

[Argonautomobile]

Originally Posted by iheartjacques

7 weeks gone, 2 more to go. Okay, I'm getting used to not seeing you, but if it came to the point of not seeing you again, I don't know how long that would take me to get over it. I miss you so much.

Has it really been seven weeks?! I remember when it was seven days. Oh man, you're almost there! You should be proud of yourself for weathering through!

[iheartjacques]

Thank you. It will be fortnightly appointments again. I guess if it'd been weekly, I would've had a meltdown long ago. I remember last year after not seeing him for almost 6 weeks I had a meltdown. Ugh. I think only because I've had the temporary 2nd T to have somewhere to dump my stuff.

[clairelisbeth]

Dear T,

I miss you so much. It was so hard for me to not see you this week. Please come back soon.

C

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[junkDNA]

t,

i feel bad about tonight... i was tired but i think you all thought i was bored. i hate the way i am ... the way i come across. i feel upset about it but i also feel stupid for feeling upset. peopel were talking and i heard them talking but the words were just like.... charlie brown teacher. umm sorry... sorry guys.

me

[bolair811]

::::TRIGGER WARNING::::

If this is not okay to post here, please delete and let me know. I can't figure out how to hide the trigger parts or if I should even post this here.


Dear T,

I don't know why I feel so terrible, but I do. I just feel so mixed up and confused and overwhelmed and scared. I thought my session on Monday was intense but in a good way. I felt okay when I left, but then everything just started crashing in on me. My thoughts are racing around my head in a million different directions. I am scared to death that we are going to get nuclear bombed or there's going to be a horrific disaster and everyone will die. I'm scared I'm going to crash my car and kill someone accidentally. I'm scared my sister is going to kill herself with drugs and then my parents will kill themselves. I have no sense of stability right now. And, I don't want to tell you, but I have thought more and more about cutting. I can't figure out what is wrong to make me feel so bad, and it's like all this pain is inside but I can't find an outlet for it. I haven't done it, but I keep thinking about it over and over. My only other option has been to binge until I'm sick. I hate myself for that. I kept thinking things would get better as time went by, but it didn't, so I e-mailed you asking if you had a cancellation, and you were so kind to offer me an appointment tomorrow evening. You didn't say it was a cancellation, and I'm pretty sure you don't normally see clients that late on a Friday, so I'm guessing you are seeing me as an emergency. I feel so guilty for that. I don't even know what I will say other than that I feel so bad and I don't know why. I wish I could just walk in your office, sit in my chair, curl up in a ball, hide my face in the pillow and cry so hard. Right now, I feel my heart beating 100 miles an hour. I don't know how I will sleep tonight. Please help me believe this is just a slump and not a total spiral. I can't go back to the hospital.

[ilikecats]

Dear T,

*Trigger Warning*

I cut tonight. I think I had gone about a month without doing it. I just really wanted to do it though. Sorry. When I was doing it I realized I actually kinda missed it. I like it. But I know I shouldn't do it. Don't be disappointed in me, and don't give up on me. I need you.

[AuroraBorealis75]

Saying goodbye
Fear of being alone
Anger at you for leaving me
For abandoning me
Even though I know
This is not true
Sadness, because
Saying goodbye feels like
You dying
Saying goodbye feels like
Tearing my heart
In two
I want to run away
From you
Because if I leave first
You have not
Abandoned me

Guess I've gotten to the heart of what makes saying goodbye so hard - it feels like being abandoned. I thought we had done so much work on that, but that ache is still there. It's tendrils have woven so deep into my heart. Also, if I am angry at you then I don't have to feel the sadness and loss of saying goodbye.

[ejayy78]

Trigger maybe?

T, will you be mad that I've thrown years of not cutting myself down the drain tonight?

You probably will be mad. I just couldn't handle the stuff in my head. I'm sorry.

[BayBrony]

You are a very dorky dork and sometimes I'm not sure if you are messing with me

How DARE YOU insinuate yourself into my private life and that of whom I associate. How would like the "favor" returned???

Your massive ego needs to come down a few notches. No ,correction, many notches.