Dear T: I Need To Tell You Something But I Don't Know How... Part XVII

T,

Benzodiazepines rock. Even if you think more medication isn't the answer, I asked my GP anyway for a beta blocker for those 2 big events. He couldn't prescribe me one, but he could give me a low dose benzodiazepine.

And it really helped. I even could get on stage for the surprise group song and didn't feel a single bit of anxiety!

Now if only my regular state could feel like that!

I hope you get in touch today about if we have a session tomorrow or not. Because I am determined not to bother you in case you are still sick.

I'm sorry. Maybe that email was a bit too harsh. But it was night and I was in such a bad state. And you're leaving me. And in our session last week you didn't address those other things I had written in that email, only about the new T issue. While those other things are so much harder to talk about. Maybe you didn't start about it because it has to do so much with you? And you also don't tell what you feel/think. You only react as a T. But right now, it isn't good enough for me. I need to see a bit of the human you, not only the T you.

Are you ignoring me? Are you going to respond? Or would you be to glad for me to quit? I'm not the most easiest client and I'm deffinitely not easy at the moment. You have a little over two hours until you're done with work today. You must have seen my email. Do you choose to not respond because you want me to follow up on that mail with some different respons? Or are you just going to let me quit? Are you waiting till Friday to talk about it? If I don't hear something from you I won't be going to the session. I would just assume you don't want to see me anymore. I just want to hear you say ''don't quit, we will work through this, I want to help you, I care about your wellbeing''.
I admit, it's also a bit of a test. I don't really do that kind of things. But now I did.

For you it's not personal, just work. But for me...

Hi T,

you just sent me an email. I'm scared to read it. My notification showed the a part of the first sentence and I'm afraid to read more. I have to read it anyway.

Dear t, maybe we're supposed to use this opportunity to just fade away each from the other because otherwise how else will we do it?? I will not bother you because you might still be sick. And i won't just show up tomorrow for the same reason. So this is our chance, i guess.

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T,

I've read your email. I'm crying. I feel like such a ungratefull ******. You're just so... kind in your email. You're not acting mean towards me or something like that. I've read how some T's can be and you're not like those.
Are you responding like you or T you? I know you're probably not that different from how you are in sessions. But I'm work and as a T you have rules to follow. So you can't just say everything to me. Would you also respond like this to let's say a friend or something?

I guess I also wanted to get a reaction out of you. Something real. I'm hurting so much from this situation and you all happy and everything. It seems like it doesn't do anything to you that you won't be my T for months or that maybe this are the last two months that you're my T.

I know I'm just work. You're just my T. I don't need to see you outside my sessions. I don't want to be friends. I want you yo be my T. I just want to see you once a week for a session. I don't want to live without you yet. I do want you to be a little bit more than just a T, like a T+. I want how it is now, but a little bit more. Like how some T from the people here are. I want a hug, even if it's just one and only one. I want to hear what you think about me, what you REALLY think. I want a check-up email after I had a really really hard session, but I want you to do it because you care, not because I want it. And I want to know a little bit about you. Nothing to personal, just a bit about your interest.
Is that unreasonable? I know I've never told you this. I know you're my T and therapy should be about me.

From my email you think because of your you-know-what that I don't think you're a good T anymore and that you can't be trust. I get why you would think that, but it's not true. I still think you're a good T. That's why I'm mad and hurt. I don't want to lose the only good T I ever had. Not yet. Not until I'm ready.

You don't know this about me, I think. I don't think anyone knows this because I never said anything about it. But sometimes I say or act the opposite of what I really feel/think/want. Yes, I am mad and hurt, but those things I wrote when I was in a really angry, hurt and bad state. I want people to care about me, I want to hear that, I want others to try harder, not just give up on me. I want to know I matter. Because so often I've just been left on my own, because I'm so quiet and I don't complain. But often I don't get the reaction I hoped I would get. And then I'm disappointed and I conclued that no one really cares about me. I know I shouldn't do this, but...I don't know.

Above all, I don't want to quit. Even though I think it often, I really don't want to stop seeing you. I want to know if you have any feelings about all this. What do you think of me? Do you like seeing me as a client? Do you like me? Do I pop up in you head outside of my sessions? What do you think about not seeing me for months? Would you wonder how I'm doing? If I make progress? Sometimes you need to act a little bit less like a T.

Dear T,

I'm hurting and just so upset with work stuff and everything else in my life feels in turmoil. I feel like I'm getting depressed again and falling apart and I'll end up in the hospital again. I just spent 30 minutes sobbing and wailing like a baby and I wish you could have been here with me through that. I get so tired of feeling so alone all the time.


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I'm being stupid. I'll email you to ask about tomorrow. It would be wrong for me to just do nothing. I do hope you are feeling better.

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I hope you don't mind I am responding to this. Why stress about termination? It seems like it is all coming from you, and not T. If you still feel like going, go.
If you feel ready to stop, you will stop. There seems to be so much agony around potential separation that I don't think you need to put on yourself.

I'm moving in. Be ready.

t,

youre gonna call soon and i feel weird and anxious.. not about you calling.. just overall... oh and i hate talking on phones too so maybe thats it. i dunno man

me

why does this have to hurt so much?

I don't know why. But yeah its probly all coming from me. I should shut up about it.

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No way should you shut up about it.

t,

thanks for calling. and thanks for telling me to try another PRN. sometimes i wish i could get u in my brain for 10 minutes to really see and feel and hear what its like. i tell you it drives me nuts and is really annoying but do you really GET IT??? it makes me want to shut my brain off and crawl out of my skin for a break. anyway, the PRN helped a lot so im glad...guess i'll just need to start taking them again. i'll see u tomorrow. glad youre back and safe

me

T,

Knowing you love me means the world to me.

Me

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After I sent it, i realized it sounded harsh. I was managing 2 year olds who were waking up...sorry! I just meant, it seems like you are torturing yourself and you don't need to be?

Dear T,
Please respond to the e-mail I sent you about our session yesterday. I know you leave for vacation soon, but I don't want this hanging out there. I decided to be honest with what I was feeling, and I'm afraid I may have sounded a bit whiny or needy, but I had to get it out. And I hope you're not annoyed or anything that I texted MC about it yesterday. Figured I may as well tell you in the e-mail since he likely said something to you about it. I'm a little afraid it seemed like I was running to "Daddy" because I was mad at "Mommy," especially because of the various transference stuff. But I really just needed one of you to say you thought I was OK and didn't need to go into the hospital. And he did that (even if it wasn't in those exact words--pretty sure that's what he meant by "things aren't that bad."). And I'd been honest with him about how I was feeling.

But yeah, please say something back, preferably that isn't "I'm sorry you felt that way." An actual apology would be nice, at least about the getting me really late (for you!) then kicking me out somewhat coldly before the 45 minutes was even up (you usually give me at least 50). (And yeah, MC gets us late all the time, but he makes up the time and also gives us extra time sometimes when it seems like we need it.)

OK, should stop typing now before this post gets as long as my e-mail...

i didn't think it was harsh. i wonder at myself too why in the world i torture myself about it. I need to stop it.

Dear T,

I'm so worried and scared for my appointment tomorrow. i wish I hadn't texted you earlier today. Now I feel like I bothered you and it was stupid to text you and I can't figure out if your response really was dismissive or if it's just me feeling depressed and insecure about everything. I can't explain how confused and conflicted I feel. I have been depressed enough times to know when I'm getting depressed. And, I know it's happening. I'm trying to stop it, I really am and I feel like you won't believe me or you will think I'm not trying hard enough. Please don't be mad at me. I have a million different scenarios in my head about everything and it all leads to one ultimate place. I don't even want to have the appointment tomorrow because I'm afraid of seeing a look of disappointment and annoyance on your face. And the worst thing is that even if you don't really look that way or feel that way, I will still see it no matter how hard I try not to. I see it in everyone's face.

Dear T,
Thanks for your response. Now I feel bad that I was complaining about being shorted on my session when you've given me so much out of session contact the past few weeks. Sorry for being so needy... but I still wish we could have ended the session on the better note and that maybe I could have had a hug before you went on vacation...

I will never forget your cruelty or that of others....NEVER!!!!!!!

Dear uni therapist,

A wave of deep and profound shame has just hit me. I feel ashamed about everything. All of it. The crazy breakdowns, the multiple emails saying I was going to quit, the anger, the distrust, tearing myself to pieces over how much I want to keep you forever, knowing I can't, and then breaking down all over again. I feel ashamed of myself for crying last week, for letting you see me that way, for not being able to hold myself together. I feel ashamed about my inability to do my coursework, how the very idea is traumatising to me. I'm hopeless. I can't function. What is wrong with me? Why can't I just be an adult?

See you in five and a half hours.

Dear Old T,

I realized that it has been a few days since I've thought about you. And then it struck me - what if this has happened to you? What if you have stopped thinking about me? I know that you said that you will always remember me. And I don't doubt it. We had a special bond. On days like today, my feelings of missing you are so raw and real that I get teary when I think about you. I wonder if when you think of me, you miss me. Or if a fleeting thought of me just passes through your mind. I can imagine you smiling, saying that you are so happy that I have taken this step into the next chapter of my life. How I wish that you knew what a nightmare this all has been for me. You said that even after we ended, you would always be with me in spirit. I truly did feel your presence today. It was as if I could hear your voice, picture your smile. And it made me want to cry.

I didn't want to sack you, I do want to continue so so much. But can't you see how terrifying that place is for me now? It was my safe place, and that's been destroyed. Day or night doesn't matter- neither is safe. I love ecotherapy, but you need to build a people and animal and weather proof treehouse or something! Is there nowhere more isolated?

I've somehow made it to day five. It's getting harder as I'm not sleeping at all. Am fighting every urge in me to go smoke anything that will stop my head spinning. It's a shame I'll never get to tell you about this week- I think you would proud.