Dear T: I Need To Tell You Something... Part XVIII

Dear T,
So that was some awkward stuff we talked about today--can't believe I shared a few of those things, but it helped to get them out. You've given me a lot to think about (in other words, expect an e-mail soon!) And glad I was able to give you a few laughs, too!
Love,
LT

dear t: i have found my mind again. thank goddess. i'm so sorry for that period of crazy-intense feels. thank you for saying that we are good. i have a feeling the 14th is going to be a very productive session.

t,

i keep wondering if i actually died last night and this is what death is. like when tom cruise dies in vanilla sky and gets frozen and lives a dream that he isnt aware of. i mean really, how can one actually know?

am i getting loopy?

me

I hoped you'd say something more than you did but I see you tomorrow and you said something so that's better than nothing.

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I wish you understood how much I want to be able to let all these emotions out and have you be there for me. I know I can't even want you to hug me or hold me like some people have, but if you could just hold my hand and keep telling me is safe and encourage me to trust it was ok and you could handle anything that came out, I think we might be able to go somewhere then. Right now I don't believe there is anyone in the world that can handle what's inside of me, even me so I have to keep it shoved away.

There's so much going on and I don't like it that I don't feel much connected to you. I know it's 'in my head' and not the truth, but I don't know how to turn it around. I might email you again, soon. Not right now because I think you're on a holiday and you wouldn't be able to answer. I don't like that I don't know if you're away. I used to know these things, in my first round of therapy. Now I don't, since I don't see you as much. I'm rambling I think. I need to get my thoughts on paper first before taking any other actions.

You words "this relationship could mirror a parent child relationship". Thank you, I just hope you can be more than my parents ever were. I like the play therapy, I know its nearly always used with children but that's who I am inside, that bit of me just didn't have the opportunities it should have, it was too busy dealing with horrible things it shouldn't have had to deal with. I like the doodling games but the cards were a bit of a shock after that. I was pointing at the balls but that will teach me to try and tell you what I want, won't it. I like you. I don't know where you got nine from, I was seven. I still feel a bit silly/stupid though but it is OK isn't it? I understand that therapy should be driven by the client and I want to get there but right now I just want you to take the lead, I never had that and it feels nice for a little while. I don't feel in the right place to lead. If I do it will be as my adult self but my inner child as you called it is too scared right now. Hmmmm, see you next week but you might hear from me sooner.

t,

shouldnt have said anything cuz now u think im on drugs

i mean... i guess i dont have a right to be mad.

me

Thank you for putting up with me.

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I had a weird dream about you last night. It's probably because I'm not seeing you this week.

T, once again, you prove that i am wrong and you aren't sick of me. Thank you.

Why can't you develop esp and know that I need help and call me? Is that too much to ask?

my dear t: i just had a sudden and sad feeling that velvet has passed away. i am so very sorry if it is true. i wonder if you will tell me. you told me last weekend that she was not doing too well and she slept the whole time I was there. i wish i had been more sensitive to you and not so caught up in that intense-whatever-it-was within myself. i know you're supposed to be able to take care of yourself. but why could i not have had a little human compassion for you?! what kind of a monster am i? i am sorry t.

I know you know this, but your T is being a good T by not focusing on her issues and you have no reason to feel guilty for not providing support.
A couple of months ago my T had to rearrange due to a funeral. It was someone close, I could tell. We focused on what missing a session meant to me, not on his sadness. It was ok because I know he can take care of himself.
It's a weird relationship in the grand scheme of things, but that imbalance is exactly why therapy is helpful.
Sorry for rambling on, but I wanted to say you're not a monster!

Thank you for that.

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I am not sure I have the words.

T,

i feel the more i try to tell you im not crazy it makes me look even more crazy

what gives

me

Did you change your profile like you did hoping I'd read it?! Cuz I think it's done me some good, the part about "my clients leave with...". Whyever you did it, thank you.

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I miss you a lot. This never used to happen. I never would have guessed this would happen.

You don't respond on Friday's.
I don't know why.
You used to.
Must be part of your self care routine.
I understand.
However,
Today.
This Friday.
I need you.
I need help.
I need a response.
I'm so lost.
I can't do this anymore.

Dear T,
I hope it's OK I texted you about the test. I knew you'd appreciate the part about the guy giving it. And I wanted you to know I went and got it done like you said I should. I do want to call you up and be like, "Yay, negative!" even thought the guy acted like I needed to wait a few more months beyond the few I've already waited to be sure (which conflicts with what I've read from multiple sources online). But don't want to bother you beyond a text on a Friday afternoon...

Dear T,

You're a really cool guy, especially since we're about the same age and have similar interests, but I have a hard time opening up to you. (I guess I have a hard time opening up to anybody, so believe me when I say this is not personal.)

I've just had a lot of mixed emotions this past week, and I think I'm finally ready to open up to you. It's just that my anxiety always holds me back. I open my mouth, but words do not come out.

I usually end up leaving therapy without making much progress, but I hope that our session tonight will make progress, for the first time in a long time.

Yours truly

T,
I can't believe I only have one session with you left. You asked me how I felt about that and I just said "well, it sucks" because I don't know how to express to you how sad I am about it. I am going to miss you so much.
I just want to be your friend. I know you have to have boundaries and I can't be your facebook friend. But I still want to.
xoxo

Dear T,
I know it's Friday night, but I still wish you'd texted something back, like "Glad to hear it!" Maybe I expect too much...

Dear MC,
Sorry for texting you. I hope Im not too annoying. And I also hope you say something back tomorrow, even if it to just thanks or whatever....