Dear T: I Need To Tell You Something... Part XVIII

Dear T,
Good session today. It was all kind of related, but I feel like we covered a lot of ground, like past and present. Wish we could have talked for longer because I think we were coming to some good realizations about the stuff with MC and how it's connected to stuff in my past. Sorry for already sending you a novel of an e-mail, but wanted to share those thoughts. (Hope you won't "accidentally" delete this one! )

And I'm glad you started touching me on the arm again when I'm leaving. It's nice. I've wanted to ask for a hug the past few times, but didn't. Maybe next week?

I don't want to go to sleep because that will bring tomorrow closer even quicker. I really appreciate you saying not to think about it as the end and that I can touch base if I want to in the future but there is no denying that, in reality, this is the end of something that has meant so much to me and that has truly helped. For the first time in my entire life I felt understood. I had all but given up hope of that ever happening and, right now, I don't have any hope that it will ever happen again but I can now trust that you will hold that hope for me, and that means the world to me. I will miss you so much.

Uhh, T...I know you said if I hang in there, this talking about sex stuff will get less weird...but....i don't know. I guess i have to trust you?

You said you were my mom today.
I wish I knew you weren't that way with other clients.
I want to be special.
This sucks.
I hate all of these feelings right now and don't know what to do about it.
You're leaving me.

Sent from my SM-N920T using Tapatalk

Dear T,
I just want to hug you so badly! Please hug me. I still don't understand why you won't. But I also wouldn't want you to hug me just to please me. I want you to want to hug me. And then actually do it too. Gah! Some boundaries are stupid.

Weird session huh?

Me

Sent from my SM-G900V using Tapatalk

It feels good to let myself love you.

Sent from my LG-H345 using Tapatalk

Thank you so very much.

t,

today you said my brain is fried from all the drugs, starving myself, and trauma..

umm yep. yep it is.

DO YOU GET ME NOW???????????????

me

PS......... nevermind

T,

I know therapy has an eventual end. I'll miss you, but you won't miss me...you'll have other patients.

You have love for friends and they love you too...

Urgh.

I got the feels

It's been weeks since I felt emotion about anything, but now out the blue it feels like the end of the world. I am a failure. And now I've failed you, failed at therapy, and continued my long established pattern of failing at life. I just want to give up on everything.

I'm nervous.

A part of me just wants to cry and beg you not to leave me. I know you wouldn't if you had a choice but that makes it hard for different reasons. The rules in place to protect are hurting me and that is just illogical. This is ending and I don't think we have fought for it not to. I am not good at giving up without a fight. I am not good at not having a choice. I am not good with ending things that I don't want to. Sad.

My friend told me about what happened last year. I looked it up online after, out of concern for you, and it turns out it was probably even more of a trauma for you. Right before I got really upset with you over a session when you didn't work with me on what I needed and I reacted badly. I'm sorry, I had no idea what was going on in your life. I feel so much compassion for you now but since it's been a while and you weren't the one to tell me, I won't bring it up because I don't want to interfere in your grieving process that I know nothing about. But I'm with you and I care about you and I really hope you're feeling alright now.

You're email was a short one but with huge impact. It got me really thinking and made me feel better. Thank you!

You offered me touch if I need it. I can't even begin to explain how that makes me feel. Even if I decide I don't need it, the fact you are willing to make yourself available to me like that is profound and it really has blown me away.

Dear t what planet are you from? Whilst your planet may be far superior, it would be nice if you would visit mine every now and again!

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Thank you for everything. I will call you, I just don't know when. I think I need some time without you to help me try and get on with this new T but just knowing you are still there means the world and is hugely helpful. It means I don't need to concentrate on losing you as much and can focus on building a relationship with new T. That doesn't mean I will ever wish it couldn't have been you. Until next time x

Can I come to your home and just be with you while you're away?
I'll be quiet.
What if I just went and sat in your office for my appt times just to be there?
I'm going to miss you.
Will you miss me?

Dear T,

In context of my own situation you shared something personal from your past. I got quiet and didn't look up but I want you to know that I was listening and I get it and I appreciate the vulnerability and trust in that moment. Thank you.

Dear MC,
I miss you. Well, really, I miss the connection, since I didn't feel it this week. I felt it a bit on the phone Friday, but it's not the same as in person. I hope you were just having an off day Monday (and not being more reserved due to to what I told you last week) and the connection will be back next Monday... And of course I want you to write back, but I'm also nervous about what you'll say. If you even got the e-mail...

It does! Isn't that weird? It almost makes me feel selfish.

Thank you so much for keeping in touch even though we ended. I appreciate you keeping your promise. Your email last night made me feel so good and reminded me of how lucky I am to have you in my life. Even though you are in a different role now you still care and the love is still there. I am glad we didn't loose the relationship, just the therapy part. I would still give almost anything to have you as a T again. I hope this longing I feel for you goes away a bit. I miss our space and our sessions. It touched my heart that you said you miss them also.

Dear MC,
Thanks for responding today, just when I was starting to get kind of worried. I appreciate what you said and that you wrote more than just a sentence or two. I mean, it was even multiple paragraphs! It sounded like you responding to *me*, and not just generic T responding to generic client, which is how last week's e-mail had sounded. This one made me cry a little, but in a good way (unlike the other one). And you even got my joke and said you were slipping because you wouldn't have thought of that, which, again, is like you and not something from a therapy textbook on dealing with attached clients. So, thanks...I feel much better about the connection now.

Love (I did notice you completely avoided that word, but that's OK!),
LT

Dear T and also T-on-leave,

Would you want to stay my T if I would chose to not go back to T-on-leave? I can be a bit of a pain in the ***. I'm slow and stuborn and difficult. I don't know what I want. I feel so much anger for T-on-leave. I don't know what would happen if I see her again, what I would feel. I'm angy for leaving me during a difficult time and she knew for over a year that this would happen. She should have given me a choice when she changed work places. Maybe starting with a new T then would have been better for me, instead of now. I feel so lonely. And depressed. Everything is getting worse. Since your news and then your leaving, I'm feeling nothing and everything. I don't see the point in anything. I'm not even really overthinking, it's just a feeling. The whole weekend I stayed in bed. I couldn't get myself to do anything. Everytime I started crying.
I don't know if you still want to see me. I've send you an angry email. It was after midnight, I couldn't sleep. I felt bad. All kind of thought about you in my head. You won't read it until you're back at work.

I just want to be done with therapy, but I can't do it alone.