Dear T: I Need To Tell You Something... Part XVIII

Dear T,
I think you're really good at your job. Please don't let up on those strict boundaries. I need them. And please never, ever hug me. Like, ever. I am an emotional velociraptor and whatever you give me can't be enough. So let's just go about the business of helping learn to heal myself, and leave all the transference BS at the door. Thanks.

dear t i am feeling my feelings tonight but they are not about you for once. at the dinner tonight honoring the graduating seniors in the manufacturing program my son is part of, he won the "Leadership" award and the teacher said as he announced it that my son is 2nd in command of the machine shop at school, he teaches/mentors other students, monitors how others are using the machines, helps with projects, helps teach the class, etc. I am so proud. He is SUCH a good kid. And I feel like I am not deserving of being his mother. I have learned enough from you to know that the best thing I can do is allow myself to feel the feelings this evening, alone, and trust that they will pass. Even if I have to cry myself to sleep. I am going to feel my way through them without your help.

To email or not to email, I just don't know what to do. Stuff needs saying but I think I can wait but I know I won't say it in session. Grrrr.

T, we do understand that we gave it all away.
We are sorry.
Goodbye.

Brave or stupid, I don't know.

Reading about bad therapists is too late for me now. He has already taken away everything that was good in my life. He took friends, family and more.... I have nothing left. But my T, he has more in his life because of me. He's made FRIENDS out of the people I knew. He's got more CLIENTS from the people I knew. HIS NEEDS WERE SATISFIED!!!!

I hope he loses what he took from me and more. HE NEVER EVER HAD A RIGHT TO TAKE MY LIFE AWAY FROM ME!!!!

T,

Lucky you, your life. I'm sad you don't read my messages though you did say your boundary is you'll "never reply and might not read."

T,
I showed you the painting I made. It showed how I dissociate in your office. Please understand. I'm there, but I'm not. I fight it all the time. When you ask the hard questions I have to fight harder to stay. It looks like I'm fine, but I'm not. Please help.

MC,
Sorry for texting you again this morning, but I wanted to let you know I was OK and that I wanted to talk more about this in session Tuesday. You've been really good with responding to my texts and e-mails over the past few months, so I hope you at least say something back. Just so I know you're not annoyed. Even just "Thanks." I know it's a Saturday, so I'm sure you have plenty of stuff going on. Just something before Tuesday, please?

t,

you said im delusional.

um ok. thats fine.

other than that we had a good session

we talked a lil abt child abuse and then i mentally disappeared and you must have noticed bc you changed the subject. i told u i felt like i was stuck in a certain position so you said it was time for you to throw things at me. you threw some balls and a stuffed animal at me. it made me laugh and come back to the room

i remember before when we would touch on this stuff i would completely shut down for days. this time i left your office in a good space

thanks T and have a good weekend

me

T, the reality of us living in the same small town has finally hit me. Our encounters thus far have been pleasant and professional, but today was different. I'm blaming myself for being in the same place at the same time you and your husband were having a major disagreement. I shouldn't feel guilty for that, it was happenstance. Literally I turned the corner at Target and there you were and you saw me. We locked eyes and I couldn't get away. You've seen the not so great sides of me and I willingly pay you for it, but I'm not supposed to see your bad, real-life moments. I shouldn't be sorry, but I feel like somehow I intruded, so I am. Hopefully this doesn't make Wednesday's session awkward.

What's happening T? Are you home from your trip yet? Why can't I think of a good reason to email you so I can find out?

I had a bad dream T. I needed you in my dream and you weren't there, even when you said you would be. I emailed you after that and you haven't replied but I know it is Saturday and the weather has been really good so I would expect you to be enjoying yourself and not worrying about work. I want you to know I am fine about that (now that sounds selfish because who am I to be fine with what you do with your spare time) even though I would love to hear from you. I hope you do get back to me and that it doesn't turn out like my dream.

MC,
I feel like I should e-mail you to apologize for the texts, because I'm concerned you haven't replied because you're annoyed or tired of me or realized you shouldn't be communicating with me so much separately from H. But then I think about how it hasn't even been 24 hours since I sent you the first text (which was late at night, so you probably didn't see it till this morning), it's a Saturday, you're off Monday so you might be out of town (maybe even someplace without good cell coverage), and you said a while back when I thought you hadn't responded to something because you were trying to teach me to "sit with the anxiety" that you wouldn't do things like that--you'd be straight with me, not play some sort of psychological game. And the one time you asked what I thought you'd do if I called you multiple nights in a row for non-crisis things, and I said you'd block my number or tell me to stop F-ing calling you...you said it really bothered you that I think you'd do something like that. And just recently you confirmed that even if some of the techniques with your voice and body language are learned, the caring part is real. So I know I need to just chill.

Doesn't help that T never wrote back to me either. So I feel awkward about contacting her again, but maybe over e-mail? Since I usually e-mail her a lot anyway. I think it's just hard because I have this thing I want to talk about, and, besides H, only you and T know about it (I guess I could talk to my one friend about it). But I feel like you or T would understand the best what I'm dealing with psychologically, and I want to talk about it now, not on Tuesday or Wednesday, when I see each of you.

Maybe tomorrow being Mother's Day is somehow triggering me, too? And since I'll be seeing my parents? And feel weirdly guilty about all the secrets? And thinking of what my mom would think of me if she knew? It's probably some combo of all of those things, plus having to talk about the stuff from January and my past sexual history and everything at the clinic.

Even if I just knew you (and T) had read my texts and thought about me for even a few seconds, that would help. Like just write "thanks" or "glad you're doing better" or something. But it's the weekend, so really, just enjoy the weekend, be with your family, it's time to think about them, not me. But of course, I still want you to think about me. I'm such a mess... And insecure attachment sucks...

Well.
Guess we were overdue for a rupture.

t,

hope your presentation went well and you werent toooooooooooo nervous

i know ur shy. i told you this but i do think you do a good job presenting things.

dont be nervous bc youre awesome

i hope lots of ppl showed up too

me

T I hate these fights, I hate that you hate my voice but it's a part of me and I wish you could just accept it. I don't particularly like yours either, it can be loud and annoying, but I would never say that to you because it would hurt you! Why do you hurt me and then deny it afterwards, perhaps you you can't help yourself but it hurts me and I am too vulnerable now to play these games.

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t on the way up the mountain today we of course passed the main road that goes to your house. i couldn't help myself i waved and said "hi t, bye t" because I was so close to your road. not too pathetic, i guess, considering i wave to people who live in phoenix when i go past there on the highway, and i wave to a couple friends in Denver when i'm passing over Colorado in an airplane...

oh who am i kidding i am pathetic.

I want to email you right now but that might be because I've had a couple of drinks so I'll take the advice of the couch and just write here instead. I missed you this week T.

Yeah, don't drunk text or e-mail your T. Not that I know that from experience as recently as last night or anything...

Alone in moms house with all the drugs

I need to be strong

I wish u were here to slap me and say no!

Guess I'll just do it to myself

Me

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Stay strong.

You can do this junkDNA

I want to tell you about the dream but i am afraid I will gross you out. Also you wanted to discuss my drawing first thing next session. Just leave room for the dream. I am afraid that after your middle-class idea of gross my dream will be too much.

Even though i am not in your situation specifically, those feelings about feeling like you are annoying the shite out of your T is too real for me. I literally had an e-mail conversation with my T this week where I convinced myself she hated me. She doesn't (for now).

I really dislike your T. She may be using the gestalt technique, but i have a feeling she is not doing it justice. The goal shouldn't be to hurt your feelings, that is the opposite of therapy.
Yep, speaking from personal experience (e-mail and calling), i ALWAYS regret contacting my T after a few drinks.
You can do it!