Dear T: I Need To Tell You Something... Part XVIII

T---UGH YOU ARE SO NICE. Why is this so hard for me to accept? You've talked to me twice this week for almost 20 minutes each...and it did help, but come on, stop being so nice to me! You seem to get when I am truly feeling bad, and easily accomodate that by allowing so much extra contact. Even hearing your voice over the phone is comforting, as much as I may hate to admit it.

Also, pretty funny when you said "I know how she feels" when talking about me not accepting my new friend's help very easily. ha.

I still wanna talk to you. But you're prob asleep. Cuz ur a better adult than me. And I may be drunk

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I feel very comfy tho. Umm this is bad

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Happy Father's day...

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I'm so mad at you right now.

As patterns go, this is bang on target. I guess nows about the time you push me away and I push you away and in approximately 16 days I'll try killing myself.

*shrug* fun times. Rogers didn't know ****.

Can you talk to T about his role in this pattern? I appreciate what you're saying about Rogers but he would argue that your T isn't providing the core condition of unconditional positive regard if he's pushing you away.
Perhaps T doesn't realise you are experiencing his actions that way? Sounds like his actions are the link in the chain that needs to be broken in order to break the pattern.

Happy father's day, T.

T,

Fathers Day sucks.

I should see an LGBT counsellor too.

You probably don't care about me since you won't be an ally.

So I guess 16 days was optimistic.

Hang in there, CassyO.

I got some of my files in the mail from you. A concrete, physical sign it's over. I think I was hanging on to this hope that you would change your mind about changing jobs and ask me to be your client again. It's really over and I never thought the grief would be this intense. As much as I love you, I am done with life.

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t,

i texted u "happy father's day T" you said "thank you"

was that weird of me?????? prob not... i mean. you know.

me

I hate that you always go to a conference Father's Day week. I'm alone with my feelings of rage and disappointment about my abusive father every year.

I miss you. See you soon.

Every time I think about that email conversation, and think about the emotionally loaded content and the fact I disclosed something quite important (at least something I would have preferred to say in person - but kind of had to say it in the context of the email conversation) I just don't know how I can wait two weeks to talk to you about it. I can scarcely comprehend that I've waited four days already. There's a lot to talk about. I wonder what you think about it.

Not weird. I sent t one for mothers day. She responded, it was nice.

Hey thanks. I was feeling weird abt it. But I remembered I texted my T on mothers day one year and said happy mothers day (lol) and he said happy mothers day and that I'm becoming a good mother to my inner child

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I thought talking about it would make me feel better! I know you never promised me I would feel better. You say I have more than 25 years of tears to let out....

I'm such an idiot for letting "it" happen me!

There is nothing I can do!

Dear T,

A week seems too long to talk again. I shouldn't need you that much yet I do. How will I ever do with less someday?

Me

T,

I'm not on drugs but I waS having the voices but I'm sure u think I'm on drugs. So wtf

*sleeps*

Me

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It's happened. She's had a baby.

Can we not take a break ever again please?!

Dear T. I had another dream, it started out being a bad one again but this time, when I needed you, you were there, it turned into an OK one and I slept through it. I am slightly bemused by that, it's a new experience and it has made me wary. I will try to wait until tomorrow but I know we have a lot to try to discuss as it is.

hey t, i dreamed about j last night. in the dream i sneak away from a training class to go and meet her, and we spent the night together out in a cabin in the woods (like at the north rim) and and and it was such a lovely dream.

it's funny because i will be in training for most of this week at work... heh heh.... wishful thinking i suppose... i would so love to see her again, but i don't even know how to contact her anymore.

i'm not even going to tell you about this dream, because what would the purpose be, besides we won't have time for it anyway because of the 45 minute think i'm going to ask you to start, so we'll need time to talk about that, and dammit i'm going to do a sand tray this time no matter what! I've been wanting to for awhile now but talking things keep getting in the way. i think this time i'll just say i am doing a sand tray, and talking at the same time, we can multi-task!!

agh! it's time to leave for work and i don't have my shoes on yet!

I'm going to that group again tonight (related to my hobby - not a therapy group). Half the time when I go I enjoy it, and the other half I let that one guy who doesn't like what I do get to me. Those times I vent to you about it. But I'm not seeing you this week. I really hope that guy keeps his mouth shut this week.