Dear T: I Need To Tell You Something... Part XVIII

I met someone who 'knows' you, or so they said. They asked whom I saw and their eyes lit up when I said your name. I suspect when they said "know" they meant they had been a client of yours or under your previous office, but I didn't press the matter. I don't know whether to be amused or envious. It felt like I'd stepped just one degree closer, though. Maybe it did for them too. in any event, I see I'm not the only one affected by your loving aura.

Hi T-on-leave,

I've passed my exams. Now I can start college in September. Current T had asked to send an email when I got the results, so I did. I got an email back to congratulate me and she wrote that she's very proud on me. Would you say that to me? You would probably say something like that's soo good of you, you should me proud of yourself. But would you also say that YOU are proud of me? Whatever. It doesn't really matter, does it. You're not here. You weren't here for me during my exam period. And you won't be here for me when college starts.

I still feel abanded by you. I can't help it. I can't think or feel differently about it. And it still hurts that you didn't let me know what you thought of the gift I gave you. Even an email of one sentence was appearantly to much for you.

Dear MC,
Oh God, I can't believe I shared all that in session today. And you acted like it was all completely normal. And weren't trying to push us out the door. I still feel weird that you know (somehow weirder than H knowing...) And then I mentioned that other thing near the end, which was mostly in my head because of the dream I had last night, but I couldn't tell you about that I don't think (and it didn't even involve you...). I wish I could hug you. But will settle for the warm handshake I got (like, literally, your hand was very warm and soft, which was oddly comforting to me). Thanks for not thinking I'm a total weirdo, or at least hiding it well if you do think that...
Love,
LT

T,

Yoooooo......f u

Me

Sent from my SM-G900V using Tapatalk

Yeah, we ended up actually arguing. That guy is going to end up making me stop going there.

I can't do this T, I just can't.

Dear MC,
Well, I managed to not e-mail you last week. Kinda felt I had to today, though. Hope you say something back. And, on another note, glad you didn't tighten your time boundaries like T when I mentioned in session that I appreciated your were sometimes a bit more relaxed with the time. And your main concern was that you hadn't shorted us in the past, not that you went over sometimes (which was more T's concern). I know your being late to start can be annoying, but I also appreciate that you give extra time to clients at times when they need it, including us. Though I think sometimes, you just run late...(like when we saw you a few Saturdays ago), but so do I, so who am I to judge?
Love,
LT

MC,
Thanks for responding, even if it was just a thanks and a standard line about me being able to bring up whatever I want in session. It made me cry, I think just because it meant you (presumably) read what I wrote and are still there and that things are OK. Part of me is like, "But I want you to say more than that!" Though that part would probably want more no matter what you said (well, unless you dropped the l-word or something. Even then...you know, the whole "void" thing). But then the other part is happy to just get something to show you're listening. And that you care. Because if you didn't care, then why bother writing back? So that's what I got, and that's enough...
LT

P.S. I love you so much...

Dear T,
I wish I was seeing you this week. I feel like I have so much stuff to talk about, like some stuff that came out of today's session with MC and with that crazy, explicit dream I had last night. Which, I guess also related to part of that stuff. I don't want to e-mail you since you're off the next two days (well, really, until Monday), and it's not like you seem to get/read my e-mail half the time lately anyway...maybe I'll just type something up and send it Sunday night, so you'll see in Monday morning... Of course, then I'll have next week's session, then you're off for a week again...Plus p-doc is leaving the practice now, so no point in scheduling a session with her, I guess, unless to say bye...can schedule one with old p-doc I suppose, just to have someone for refills.
But yeah, wish I was seeing you this week. Probably used MC a bit more like an individual T because of that...then again, I often do that anyway. But he and H both don't seem to mind, so I suppose it's OK...So see you next week I guess?
And glad that letter from p-doc wasn't a retirement letter from you, which was my fear when I read the first sentence...
--LT

Sure you can. It'll work out in the end.

Thank you

I wonder where you are this week. I guess you're on holiday somewhere, though you never said. You're only gone for a week though, so I guess just Europe? Or maybe even not abroad? Anyway I'll miss you, especially tomorrow when we should have had our session.

How could you be so stupid to fall into her web? You were used!!!

In turn, you used me. How could you do this to me?? How could you?? Are you that naïve?

I miss you, you 'got' me. She doesn't get me, though we are both trying, and will keep trying.

Can one be a T and have all of this **** to go through? I want to. I know I can keep it in balance once I learn my triggers and get out of this . I want to be an example, I want to help others, I want to give, I want to be inspiring. You said I inspired you, did you really mean that? Still finding things to look forward to and figure out things to do everyday that make me a little bit happy. I want you to be my mother. That's what I want. I want to be 4 years old and living in your home.

Dear T
I'm writing here so I don't email you.
So...I feel like I'm moving in the right direction, finally, finally. It's amazing just to talk about the horrors and dark secrets of the past with my H as if we're talking about any other stuff. I can't believe I'm here.
I'm waiting for the fall. I'm waiting for it all to go wrong.
And, you're amazing as always...but I miss you, even when you're right there in session. I miss the obsession. I miss needing you so much.
Red xxx

Hi T-on-leave,

or should I say ex-T. Not sure what will happen when you get back. But that won't happen for two more months.
It has been 3 months already. And I'm still hurting. Still angry. I've talked to current T about it, but it hasn't help me (yet). Today was a hard day. I totally broke down. I cried, I yelled, I cried some more. Feelings of abandoment, anger, sadness, worthlessness, and more.
I should talk to current T about this. I'm always afraid that when I start about a topic which I've brought up before, that I'll come across as nagging.
When will these feelings become less? I've been having these feelings ever since you told me you ''wonderfull'' news. So I've been struggling with this for about 5-6 months.

T, I wish I could meet myself who grew up in your parenting. I want to know whether I'd be still me. It feels like our work is changing a very fundamental part of me and I feel like I'm losing who I am. What defines 'me' ? Is the new-me going to be still me? Do I want to change? You said the little-me-thinking isn't serving me. I know. It's gonna create a lot more difficulties if I don't change. But this is scary.

I cried when I got home. I took a shower and cried during. I cried after the shower. I hope it gets better.

Please respond to my text because i am beating myself up thinking i have ****ed up again.

I watched a bit of your interview to hear the sound of your voice. Why am I so attached to you right now? This is not the right time for you to go away.

I am even more confused that when we started. I wasn't bargaining on that. It feels as if we are taking a wrecking ball to that shed instead of mowing the grass like we said. When I said I felt lost today it was as if all my thoughts came crashing down in the centre of my mind. That wasn't good. You said at the end it felt as if we were just starting. We were. How are we ever going to get through this if we don't ever start until the end. I am so glad H is going tomorrow but then I will have even more time to think. I might need another journal soon. I think we need to come forward in time, maybe we tried to go back too soon? I don't know. I don't know what I am doing and I don't have any real confidence that you do either. Maybe that is a part of the problem. Control. I am happy to let go a little which is what is needed but I need to know that whoever is leading has got this. But then I don't think you like to lead, because this is my journey, so why were we talking about control? Because I brought it up, because it is me, because I became it. If I am not in control I don't exist. It was all I had left to protect myself. Vulnerability. Need to give in to it? What happens at the end of the session then when I need to go and act like a normal human being again. How can I do that? Oh my head is a mess tonight. Forget about it. Try and get through tomorrow and see you on Thursday. We need to get it back together again.

T2. I don't want to contain my wish that I was dead, nor my envy of my friends who just died. It is my truth. I want to get rid of feeling like everything is such an effort, of spending so much mental energy in thinking healthy thoughts. I just want some time off. Not feeling envy is just one more thing that I have to do so I am not interested.

Oh, what a web of deceit and lies you weave. But if you give the appearance of being "good" that's all that matters.

hey t. i have a proposition for how to solve the insurance thing, and i hope that i remember to say "please hear me out before you jump in" before I start talking about it. i know that the financial part of this work has been a bad subject between us in the past (remember the one rupture that we had?) so I'm a little hesitant to talk about this. But I'm strong enough in myself now to just do it, so that's why i haven't emailed you anything about it, and why I'm not going to. I can talk to you about this in person, and it will be fine. See you Saturday.