Dear T: I Need To Tell You Something... Part XVIII

QM, I know this isn't the place for feedback but I just had to respond to this.
Homophobic and hurtful, narrow-minded comments like that have NO place in any kind of psychology practice. "Recruitment" is a hurtful concept that brings up all kinds of horrible tropes against LGBT people and it implies that sexual orientation is not innate.

It's literally against the APA guidelines. If I'm understanding your post correctly, I sincerely hope either your T misspoke or that you can start a process to find a new therapist asap.

/ Peace

Dear old pdoc,

I really didn't expect to bumb into you tonight. Did you recognised me? You didn't said hello, but neither did I. I'm just afraid you've already forgotten about me. It was exciting to see you, but it also makes me sad. I think that was your mom you were with? You looked so sweet with her. You looked good. Your smile <3
I don't think we'll bumb into eachother soon. I hope I do see you again, some day. But it's maybe better for me if I don't see you again.

Little one missed you on Tuesday and wants to see you tomorrow. I hope she comes out from hiding. She has some things to say to you and some things to ask you.

This is the most stupid, most ridiculous, most frustrating thing I have ever been involved in. How can this be called a "relationship"

I just had to respond to this: that sounds exactly like me at several different times with current t!! I usually added the word "convoluted" in there as well. Somehow I have
come to accept the weirdness of it finally, going on 5 years in.

Hugs to you if you want 'em!

You said you watched baseball with your inpatient client. Why can't I have that? I want to spend outside time with you. It hurts. I won't ever tell you. I wish you'd see it here though. I'm jealous and it's wrong to be jealous.

hey t! I did it again today, drew from that place inside we talked about a few days ago, while i was getting raked over the coals on the phone today, well not as soon as i should have, i started crying, but then remembered, and i drew from that place and dried my tears and finished the call successfully. Success!!

I know we generally aren't supposed to respond here. Ellahmae, I think your jealousy / envy is very normal and not wrong.

I'm sure some of us really want to feel like we matter to T.

I wish I could tell you how I really feel. But instead I cover it up with sarcasm and crap like that. I don't even realize I'm doing it until after the fact. It's an automatic thing. If I could stop, you'd know how sad I am, and how scared I am to feel sad...

How long can a sociopath continue to work as a T?

As long as people stay SILENT, it's a pretty long time.

No session next week. Thank you for the phone session offer but that's not gonna happen. I can't stand the idea of imposing on your personal time. I know I said I'll be fine, and I actually am, but I'm already missing you and I'm embarrassed about that. * Transference * it's a marvelous thing, no?

But I have my own plan on what to work on for the next week & a half and I'm gonna work hard on that stuff. So be ready to get down to business when you get back.

Why does it have to be so damn hard, T? We're entering such a critical phase of therapy. I need you not to f up right now. Thank you for having an email conversation with me yesterday about the boundary issue that emerged. It was helpful to express some of my feelings to you via email, rather than wait two weeks till I see you.
I did experience what you said as slightly accusatory though, and I appreciate you saying it wasn't meant to be accusatory when I started to defend myself.
You have a good heart. I just wish things weren't so unsettled with us both missing sessions. I need you right now.

t,

games tonight!!!!

me

Dear t so I've decided to ask you to go to 45 minute sessions so I can submit those and start meeting my deductible. I wish I'd known sooner that they won't cover over 50 mins and that there's not a code anymore for 50 mins. Oh well I am edumacated about it now! It's all good, t. This week is going by fast. Next week probably will too then I'll be there again!

Sent from my SM-T550 using Tapatalk

I feel lost

Why do I feel I have to go in to battle with you most of the time?

Hi T,

You think group therapy could be good for me. I think that too. Then I can learn to interact with people. And you're one of the group therapist, so I know it won't be lead by just another useless T.
But, as I understood, I can't have grouptherapy and individual therapy at the same time. And that's what making me doubt the most. If I need to share anything, I can only do that with the whole group there. No one-on-one with a T anymore. No personal time with you anymore. I'll have to share you with a group. I know I'm sharing you now too, you have more clients than only me. But I don't see that. I don't see how you interact with them. In a group I'll see that. Now you have only attention for me for 45 minutes a week. In a group I won't have that.

And I still don't know what to do when other T comes back.

The thought of not having individual therapy is making me sick in my stomach.

Thanks for everything today, texts, emails and session. I have to trust you when you say we are finding our way together, that we will find a way, that this is new ground for both of us. I will try to sit on that this weekend and see if I can trust that. So much gets brought up and it takes me so long to talk about the most basic of things that I really do wonder how we will ever get anywhere. I am back to the picture of that shed again. Full to the brim and I just stand there looking at it, unsure of how it can ever get sorted.

I did share something with someone, it was brave, thanks for acknowledging that but now I have to do something with that, that is the hard part me thinks. That sharing has brought someone closer and what do I do with that. The only thing I know how to do it to push them away again but that isn't what I want, that is what I am here to try and change. I need to continue to share with them I suppose, tell them more, but where do I stop?

I wasn't actually expecting a text wishing me good luck but I won't tell you that because it was a lovely surprise and it really helped. I had a good evening at the group and really felt present there.

In session I didn't talk about my friend coming through town on Monday. I wonder what I will want to say to him, and if I'll actually do it or not.

your a jerk. seriously. an incompetent jerk.

Dear MC,
I might need you to help me talk to H about my OCD. We tried to discuss it tonight, because I got the book T recommended, but I just felt so weird talking about it. H was trying to relate, but I think I just started to shut down. I think it was especially weird because we were talking about how it related to you, like obsessive thoughts and such. So...I'll probably feel weird talking about it with you, too. But maybe you can help me feel less ashamed of the OCD stuff and help me talk about it with H, so he'll understand? I don't know why I'm OK talking about my anxiety and depression, but OCD is like the dark, awful place in my brain that only seems to bring shame and embarrassment. (OK, I'm sure it mostly comes from childhood...) It's the MI I've dealt with the longest--you'd think I'd be able to deal with it better by now. But maybe you can help? (And T, too, of course.) Though I'd feel bad making another session mostly about me...though I guess the last one was partly about you, too.

Love,
LT

Old T- Thank you for keeping your promise about staying in touch. It was so nice to talk with you on the phone tonight. Its so nice to hear your voice and your laugh. I love it. I can't believe its been a month since our last session. I am glad I got to tell you how much I miss you and that you said you miss me too. It felt so good to hear that. I can tell you really mean it. You are so genuine. I would give anything to have you as a T again. Why does life have to be this way? I love you. A lot.

New T- You are so awesome. I am kinda scared to trust you wont abandon me. Its so hard starting over again. I have the feeling therapy with you will be so helpful. Thank you for giving me the confidence with that. Time will tell how things go but I have a good feeling about you. I also love how confident you are in your ability to help me. I am lucky to have found you!

I can NEVER get back what you TOOK FROM ME!!!

NEVER!!!!!!!!!!

Sparky- I know we've already emailed a couple of times this week.

Can you stand to do it one more time before you go on vacation? Please?

I am so insanely nervous about today.
I'm scared.
I'm scared this will be the day you decide you dislike me.
The day you want me to cease texting.
The day you want me to come sparingly.
The day you don't want me anymore.
The day you toss me away.