Dear T: I Need To Tell You Something... Part XVIII

Thank you so much. I really needed to hear that right now. I keep thinking I am wrong for wanting/needing/thinking it will help. I am about to leave for T now and hear what she has to say.

I honestly don't think you're wrong at all. If you never learned how to self care, self soothe, validate and comfort yourself, while growing up...it makes sense that you have to be taught.

Like your analogy on speaking Russian.

My T is the one who told me about needing to be taught via experiential learning and her modelling things.

She believes in scaffolding - showing me eg by fighting inner critic aloud for me(at first I just listen a few times), then having me try with lots of initial coaching, and gradually eventually I will be able to do so on my own.

The healing, nurturing, flexible relationship where the therapist does "limited reparenting" is really the core of schema therapy, which is her main modality.

I hope your session goes well!

We had a good session. Thank you so much. I needed to show her a few things and your timely post really helped me to have the courage to do it. I will post on the in session board. Thank you.

I edited my post further while you were posting, whoops!

I'm glad your session went well!

Thanks T. Honestly, thank you. I was shocked when you said that you thought I was the one who was going to say that I wanted to leave when I told you I was scared because I thought you would say you didn't want to do this anymore. Thanks for the blanket and the for the hug. You felt real today.

t,

hope we can play games tonight

me

Don't take offense today, please.
I just need to talk about it.
You were trying to get me to the other day but I couldn't.
I'm nervous.

MC,
Gah, that e-mail from you made me cry, too! Maybe my tearducts just have some automatic response now when I see your name as a sender. I was expecting you to just respond to the scheduling part or just say "thanks" regarding my hope that you and your family are OK. For you to also say it's kind for me to say* and that you are "OK" means a lot to me. (Because I was concerned that I was overstepping, of course.)

And the fact that you called it "our regular time slot" (including yourself in there, rather than just "your usual time") made me feel good, too. And also that you didn't automatically give away our usual Monday time because we're scheduled to see you Sat.

I will do my best to not just dissolve in a weepy puddle when I see you next, which hopefully will be Saturday... Though my reactions to your e-mails and our brief rescheduling conversations on the phone don't bode particularly well for that...
Love,
LT

*Note: This is an appropriate time to say it's "kind of me," less so when I say I love you. Though it's hard for me to explain exactly why, it just is.

I had an interview for an internship today at the organisation you used to work for. I know you said that guy was nice, but...I dunno. I'm not sure he liked me! The other guy was really positive but I'm really not sure. I hope so!

I'm sorry that I wasn't able to be present today in session. I don't mean to push you away. But I do mean to, as it keeps me safe. We will talk about it next time, I promise.

T,

We couldn't play games tonight. ..you sent a sad face. Oh wells. I'm not falling apart over it like that 1 time at least.

Me

Sent from my SM-G900V using Tapatalk

Hope you're feeling a bit better

i am thank you

You are beyond amazing.

How could you do this to me?

I cried all the way home and it continues

How could you sit there those years and listen to her mock me, smiling and even laughing along with her? How could you?

She said terrible things...I don' t care that she enjoys seeing me upset....I expect that from her....but you?

I never expected you would ever do this to me....Never....I thought you were better than that. I was so WRONG about you. I want to know how could YOU do this to me???

This evening I remembered the dream I had last night. I had a dream that the world was ending...earthquakes, floods, fire, tornadoes, everything. And one of the things I was really upset about was that I wouldn't get to have my session tomorrow. How ridiculous is that? I guess it was more of being distraught about not getting to say goodbye.

Geez, my subconscious has been so morbid lately...

T,

Today was so hard. It was great. Except when I realized I was about to break into sobs, and that maybe this huge life transition is a big mistake. I know part of this is just the expected stress, but is this honestly what I want? I don't know. But I want to talk to you.

I just reread a bunch of my posts from years ago. It made me really miss you. I wish I could go sit in your office and have you be there, really be there, with me. I'd still love a hug, or a hand squeeze.

I'm not making any decisions tonight. I'm way too tired with all the traveling. And I want to be rational and not mired in emotion when I do make a decision.

T, I hope we can meet Monday. I am sad we can't meet over the weekend, because Monday seems so far. I feel like I need to hear your voice. I want you to tell me that I can do this, that it will be ok.

I talked to a friend. And I'm worried that will ruin that relationship, because I have opened up a closed door and now I won't be able to stop. I will tell her everything, like I've done before with others.

I am so tired. Why am I still awake? This traveling is mixing up my sleeping and eating habits.

I am proud of all my progress, and I am grateful and positive. But I need some support.

I feel like I really need you these days, T.

I'm feeling annoyed at you and I don't know why. I'm feeling like I don't want to see you when I get back.

Okay, slightly less annoyed now you've replied to my email

I won't let you take the others away. We need them.

Dreams. Hard dreams.

Dear T,
I'm anxious to see you today. I wrote you a letter, but I'm not sure if I'll give it to you or not. I'm nervous. At the same time though I'm looking forward to seeing you, just because I love being with you.

I just want to say hello. Hi.

MC,
I hope we actually get to see you tomorrow...

(and that's not just, I hope you come in, but I hope everything pans out for H and I to also be there.)

I love you, too.