Dear T: I Need To Tell You Something... Part XVIII

Dear MC,
Thanks for writing back already and for being so accepting of my e-mail, which many T's would have likely seen as intrusive and inappropriate. I like that you're different from the typical T, that you're so willing to be open about things in your life. Of course, I'm sure that contributes greatly to the transference, but at the same time, it helps me deal with it. I wish you would have given more of a response to my questions/comments in the e-mail instead of saying it would be better to discuss in session, because it's more of a "discussion," than a simple answer. Partly because I don't want to wait until Monday. But what you said makes sense, and as nervous as I might be talking about it in person, and in front of H, that's probably the right thing to do. But thanks for not leaving me hanging and wondering if you were annoyed at the e-mail. I should have known you wouldn't be. Because that's just how you are.
Love,
LT

You showed me more of your life yesterday.
I wish I could tell you that I would love to be part of it.
One of your real children.
One who gets to cook and laugh with you.
One who gets to see your crazy.
The double side of that sword though is I wouldn't get to be as close to you or probably see you as often as I do now.
I suppose I should remember,
That the grass isn't always greener...

Dear T. Thank you for replying tonight, it really helped me to hold on. Thank you for what you wrote too. Just what I needed to hear. Maybe we are starting to build that bridge. Maybe. I would really like to talk about it all on Thursday too but there might not be time to cover it all. Will there ever be time to cover it all? Who knows, all we can do is keep going. Thank you

I feel so stupid.....

Take care while you are away this weekend. In particular don't rescue any rocks.

I love you, t. You know that, right?! See you Saturday.

Dear T,
I hope you at least write something back to me tomorrow. Hope you aren't annoyed at the pile of e-mails I sent you. I felt like maybe you were a bit annoyed at me when I left today, but maybe I'm just projecting. Because you seemed to end so abruptly, like you didn't want to deal with my rambling anymore. Maybe it's something about the morning--maybe we just do better in the afternoon, which is when I'll be seeing you next week.

I can't get over the DISRESPECT you have shown toward ME!!

I also can't get over that you ARE STILL TALKING TO HER ABOUT ME!!!

You have not learned anything. Your colleagues still refer people to you after you have proven yourself to be UNTRUSTWORTHY!!

I can't get over that you are STILL SEEING CLIENTS!!!

I can't get over that you NEVER APOLOGIZED like a decent man would do.

I can't get over that people in my town TURNED AGAINST ME BECAUSE OF YOU!! I won't forget it!!!

t,

i wanna tell you i love you. its been over a year since i first told you. i dont know why i feel the need to tell you again. i havent said it since i first said it. i also dont know why im scared to do it. i am just so appreciative for all you do for me. i cant believe you have stuck with me these past 6 years. things have been up and really, really down. you even said it was exhausting...the first 4 years. you mean so much to me T. i hope you know that. you have saved my life and i am forever grateful that ive met you and been on this healing journey with you... and will continue on..until i am recovered.

me

I love you. I hate that tomorrow is the last time I will ever see you in person. I'm really going to need you to help me through this transition. It hurts so much.

I need you tonight.
Where are you.

I don't know how to talk to you anymore. I used to feel so safe with you and for the past 7 months that just diminished. You've changed so much. Become so cold and so unlike who you used to be.

I hope you and the other GUILTY parties have a lousy, miserable, day and suffer for years and years and years.

It just occurred to me the other day why couldn't i have another appointment in the same week but not cancel my appointment. ****

Just texted you a freaking novel. I'm the most needy and worst client. I'm sorry. I don't deserve anything. I shoukd go back to being a shell and hiding. Just go through the daily motions.

Hope it rains on your poxy festival. right in the middle of your set.
You know I don't mean that, just jealous it took the place of my session.

eff, T, i hate myself. why on earth should i keep trying to reach out?! i need to stay in my nice bubble of once a week and leave you alone!! i'm sorry.

T,
So...guess you aren't going to respond to my string of e-mails from yesterday. Since you only seem to respond to e-mails on days you work, and now you're off till Monday. Maybe you're sick of me or frustrated with me. You seemed to end very abruptly yesterday--I know you said it's to maintain boundaries, not having sessions run over because then a client would expect it. But you had to realize I was trying to get something out and was struggling...but instead of letting me get there, you just said we had to go. And it's not like you had a client waiting--just the staff meeting in 20 minutes. Maybe you were hungry and wanted to get something to eat first.
But I thought if nothing else, you'd at least say *something* to my e-mail, like, "Let's discuss this more Tuesday" or "Glad MC got back to you" or something. Might have to shoot you a text sometime in the next couple days just to be like, "You're not annoyed with me, right? Because I know I'm probably being annoying." That's what MC says to do with H, so it follows that I could use the same advice with you. Right?

Dear T,
I just cut. Sorry. I'm not sure if I'll tell you or not. I suppose if you ask I'll answer, but otherwise I might not bring it up. I love you.

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It's been a week since our last session and I think I'm still feeling numb (except for that bit of time in the middle of the night last Thursday). I hope it resolves itself before session, or when I see you.

We're doing this the wrong way way round!

Once is month is a great plan, unless the thing I've been avoiding for three decades is less than two weeks away and you are my entire support network!

I say - we go intensive.

What if the day comes - I go on two weeks annual leave. I see you 3+ days a week for those two weeks. And for longer sessions. Those days would be structured about walking increasing distances too / from those sessions - like the old days Get lots of exercise in those first couple of weeks. Plus (and this is probably one of those things that show how little I understand psychotherapy) if we can deal with all the crap (and there will be a lot of it) that comes up in those first couple of weeks, maybe it will be like nipping it in the bud - and the following months may not spiral, or at least, be quite as hideous?

Theres no way Im going to be able verbalise this one. And my no touching thing buggers up the mind meld. So you're going to need to offer this one. Im sorry. Its one of those things. I can't ask. You know that right? Please can this be one of those times you get psychic? Eff it, why can't I ask. This could work. I know it could. Why do I have such a mental block about asking for anything? URGH. I mean, I know Im a handful, and it would be real stressful for you and hard work and .... Ok. Im definitely not asking.

T
I don't want to talk about last week. I don't want to talk at all. Actually, I kind of don't even want to see you, which is a first. Maybe I'll feel better after the weekend....I don't know what's going on with me/you/us. I'm trying to care....

The mind meld definitely won't work for this one, as it would be fairly unusual. Could you write it down and give it to T at the start of session?

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T,

I am a fool for believing a heterosexual person (you) who accepts her LGB friends would be a "straight ally" and speak up. I forgot acceptance doesn't necessarily come with sticking your neck out publically.

When will being Queer become "worthy" of local psychologists speaking up?

And of course, you told me that I shouldn't try to recruit you as an ally. You don't understand how we need allies. We need straight allies to use their privilege to advocate for us. Speak out in the damn conservative churches. We can't all come out!

Alas no - the end of the world starts in approximately 10 days, and I do not see him again for 12 days. It will be too late