Dear T: I Need To Tell You Something... Part XVIII

hahahaha bravo

T,

Plz text me... I hurt a lot

Me

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<3

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I wonder what you will discuss with your supervisor tomorrow when you take my dream to them. I appreciate your asking and hope that means you will be open with me about what you talk about. I think I know what you meant when you said that we are all on our own really but yes, I suppose we can talk about it Tuesday. Thanks for writing those words though. I am here. Says a lot to me. I wonder if I could get you to write it in my journal for me or if that would be too much. Maybe I will ask you if you could think about it. I just wish these dreams would stop already, I wish I could just get my head to shut up but I think the only way out is through, I just hope you have the patience and the will to stick with me. Like I wrote in my journal, this could be one hell of a ride.

T,

You texted...you said this work is hard. Um no shiz T. Hard for ME!!! I bet ur lounging around doing whatever it is you do. Here I am trying not to kill myself all day. I ask myself...what will you do tmrw junkdna? And I think... ummm try not to kill myslef. How pathetic. What am I even waiting for I mean..........why hang on

Your text helped me some. But I am still stuck in this dark place

Me

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T,

Ps.... the other things you said helped. But the this work is hard comment was like wow dude

Me

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What was the other thing?

T,

Pps....however I am grateful that you texted me. So thanks

Me for the last time today

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He said that it will be ok and this will pass and to use my coping skills

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T I cut again. It's been a while. I don't think I'll tell you about it. But I'm sorry

I feel so completely detached from you right now. There is zero connection.

A couple of days ago it was the opposite.

Much prefer it this way- long may it last!

T,

You've many patients I know. I know you want everyone to self care. Whatever happens, you'll still take care of yourself because at the end of the day, this is simply your job.

So, there's no need to say things like "I'll take care if you'll take care." when I bid you goodbye with "Take care."

It's fake, because you'll take care of yourself as you should. This is an attempt by you to encourage me to self care, I know, not anything else. It's not like you care about me anyway. The caring stops outside of the scheduled session and definitely after your work day.

Dear MC,
I feel much less of a need to talk to you about the stuff with your wife today. I'm not sure what exactly shifted. Maybe part of it is the stuff in Orlando yesterday putting things in perspective. Maybe I want to talk about that, but not sure what I'd say (aside from wanting H to respond to me in a certain way, to feel the same urgency I did). Maybe I'm just in a place where I just kind of want to "be" in the room with you, like just be there in your calming presence, and talk about whatever, rather than necessarily asking you all the personal questions.

But I feel like, since we said in the e-mail that we'd discuss it today, that we should discuss it. Because if not, then it's going to bother me at some other point, and this is like my opening to talk about it. Maybe we can just talk about it a little, but not the whole session.

All that being said, I hope we still are able to meet today, that nothing in your life or our lives keeps us from that.

Love,
LT

Hi t,
thanks again so much for the other day. but yes there was something missing 2 somethings actually, 1) there's more to the story of turning in the receipt to my insurance, but I didn't want to go into it because we were already out of time and 2) I realized as I was walking to my car that I wanted a hug. But I was already out the door, so I wasn't going to turn around and try to come back in. Like I said, we were already out of time. I'll start with those next time. And then I want to do a sand tray. btw, I know why you suggested it the other day. I'm onto you! I hope you have a good couple weeks.
Love,
me

p.s. I like your hair this way.

t,

mmmmmmmmehhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh


me

Dear MC,
I'm not even sure what to say. You make me feel so safe and so understood. You get why I'm so emotional about things that don't directly involve me.* I wish it didn't have to be such a one-sided relationship--I wish you could tell me more about what's going on with your wife. I wish I could be there for you, too, to make you feel understood and cared for. I understood the reasons you gave for why it needs to be this way, and how it's not about me, but about the therapeutic relationship. It's still hard, for multiple reasons, like I said to you. The way you just looked at me without saying anything when I said how hard it was...I could see not just the understanding in your eyes, but the love, too. Even though maybe you wouldn't admit that part, I could feel it. Thanks for that. It's worth the pain to experience that level of caring/love and understanding.

Love,
LT

*Referring to .

I can't work out whether I am looking forward to or dreading tomorrow.

I saw the love in your eyes today when you told me what you did. It was a simome phrase *you're welcome*. I knew the real reason you're here this week. It's me. Thank you for helping me get my routine back.

Dear T,

When I cried as we were talking about termination, I really, really meant those tears. I imagine they will continue as we approach the end of our work together. If you knew how many tears I've cried thinking about how much I don't want to go through the rest of my life knowing that we won't see each other again...you would understand that the impact you've had on my emotional intelligence and overall wellbeing is beyond anything I could have dreamed.

I didn't think anyone could reach me, but you did. You taught me how to find courage in myself through a profoundly difficult and painful healing process. You taught me that there is strength within me. You taught me that when I ask myself, "Can I do this really, really hard thing?" the answer is "Yes".

And now, you're going to help me learn that the answer is still "yes" when the really, really hard thing is learning to go on knowing that I can't keep you.

I don't want to. I don't want to. But because of our incredible work together...I can.

I will miss you so much.

I tell you too much. Delete.

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T I'm not okay. I dont know how to tell you. How to explain it.

anyways whats the game you are playing here?

And now I think you are wonderful again

Very appreciated and needed- thank you x

t,

i dunno i dunno i dunno i dunno i dunno...

here i am alone again

did u see my tears flowing when the session was over? did you know what that was about? it was about leaving and being alone again. i feel so alone. i dont even feel connected to you... or anyone. i wish you knew how badly i want to die

me