[purplemoon]

Don't have T this week. He was booked - have T next Monday. Usually when this happens I am fine with it and I was when we scheduled but now I am angry about it. What is up with that? I have been feeling better of late. Stopped taking my Zoloft a few weeks ago (quite accidently - well not accidently just laziness didn't make time to go to the pharmacy) and then I decided I really didn't need it. And most of the time I am just fine. After work a little cranky with the kids but the house is usually trashed and that is why - they know better!!

Anyhow back to my original topic - did I even start it. The last year has been a total mess. Crisis after crisis. Now life is good. Still have problems but I can manage and I don't want to ram my car into a cement wall everyday any longer. So I am thinking maybe I can go without T?? I mean I can manage my day to day fairly well. It would be better to stop on my terms don't you think?? I have been annoyed with T a few times lately. I don't get annoyed until after I leave the session and think about it. As a matter of fact today I so wanted to email him JERK JERK JERK today - why I don't know my last appt was last thurs. Now when I see him I don't think or feel these things so maybe it is time to take a break? Don't know. Maybe I am just running. Any thoughts?

[Soidhonia]

Hello Purplemoon. I sense a lot of stress still in your life regarding your children and home life. I hope sincerely you reconsider giving up your therapist. Making notes and journaling may help you to remember what you are forgetting when you go to see the therapist. It is easy to get onto another tangent and forget the real purpose of the therapist session or what you wanted to really talk about in therapy. Perhaps the frustration is coming from not talking about the things that make the most difference in your daily life, and you are getting fed up with not getting to the root of your real problems, so the therapy seems somewhat unnecessary at the moment. I hope that you will try to hang in there with therapy if things can change for the better for your mental health safety and security. Take care and good day. Soidhonia

[purplemoon]

Thank you Soidhonia. I am really fed up with a lot of things. T has been a lot of crisis management in the past - but know it seems like we are getting back to the original reason I went. He seems to ask how I feel about this or that or what are you thinking. I think that is why I am so annoyed with him. I don't ever answer - I always change the subject or say I don't know. I read the posts here and I so want everyone has with their T and yet I can't seem to go there with my T. I will stay - I need T and I know that but I just don't know how to proceed. I mean if I can't move forward then what is the point? A couple of weeks ago he made the point to tell me that in that session we just started to look at a tiny bit of what is under the tip of the iceberg and I don't know if I can do it. Last T was different we talked about alot of different things - very light and very surface - maybe he thought that because the week before was so difficult for me that is what I needed. I don't know. I am very very tangled up and don't know who to talk with.

Anyhow thank you so much for replying. I appreciate it.

[Caramee]

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purplemoon said:
T has been a lot of crisis management in the past - but know it seems like we are getting back to the original reason I went. He seems to ask how I feel about this or that or what are you thinking. I think that is why I am so annoyed with him. I don't ever answer - I always change the subject or say I don't know. I read the posts here and I so want everyone has with their T and yet I can't seem to go there with my T. I will stay - I need T and I know that but I just don't know how to proceed. I mean if I can't move forward then what is the point?

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Does he know the reason you started therapy? If he doesn't, maybe he's asking questions that having nothing to do with what you want and that is why you're understandably annoyed.

Maybe now that you do not need therapy for crises, you would like to go deeper. You say you would like to have the kinds of things you read here. I know that I wasn't able to do deeper work until I started to go to therapy twice a week. If I go infrequently, I just avoid things and can't bring up important things.

Another thing I had to do was put the hard things I wanted to talk about in writing. I know I never could have said them. Then he was able to lead the sessions in the direction I wanted to go.

Why does it have to be so hard?!?!

[purplemoon]

Caramee,

Thank you so much. Yes T does know why I first started. I was being badly triggered and he figured out that I needed some major life adjustments. Those life adjustments were very very difficult. He walked me through all of them. And when some issues would come up that I originally went for he helped me place them back as I was not well enough (his words to deal with them at the moment) but we would get there when things were more stable. Well things are stable and he is ready to help deal with them but I am having a hard time. He has told me many times we will go slow as I cannot deal with fast. That I get to set the pace, but at the same time he said there are times when he will push a little and not allow me to go into hiding so often. It is hard so hard - thank you for validating that. I have been writing a little - he has pushed that a lot lately. Given me a few writing assignments and actually asked about them. Before any homework he never asked about. It sucks - I don't want to and I desperately want to. Now if I can just find my voice and speak - I will try. I am scared

[pachyderm]

> I am scared

You speak for many of us.

yeah, that anger is coming from somewhere... it's significant... maybe... and this is just my interpretation... maybe the thoughts of possibly going without T are indeed, very upsetting to you... but you don't want to deal with those feelings because you are doing better... so rather than have to feel all of those feelings, you just get angry at him instead. It's easier. Believe me, I know. Then you are mad at him, so you think... hey, why not take a break from this guy? It becomes much easier to leave if we are mad. I suggest exploring your anger with him before you take a break or do anything. Something's stirring up inside you.... express that to him.

[purplemoon]

Thanks Pinksoil - it is easier to be mad and leave. Especially since I know he is going to be probing and I am starting to feel. I normally don't feel and it is becoming hard and he is thrilled. About 2 sessions ago I felt and he was so happy - he said that you are going to hate me but I am glad that you are showing emotion, well that was enough - put it all back in place - I never meant for it to be let out.I did tell him last session that I was irritated with a lot of people - that is usually the extent of my anger, and he suggested that I might want to get some sleep (3 hours was a good night for about the last 2 weeks at that time). But now I am irritated at him. I guess I should tell him but it is so irrational - I mean really there is no reason to be angry with him. He hasn't done anything and he is being his same old self - it just doesn't make any sense. I will try to work up the courage and tell him - he will probably be thrilled - JERK!!! - but I still love and adore him and no one else call him a Jerk because he most certainly is not. Only I get to call him a JERK!!!

[lauren_helene]

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purplemoon said:
Don't have T this week. He was booked - have T next Monday. Usually when this happens I am fine with it and I was when we scheduled but now I am angry about it. What is up with that?

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I'd say that you value the relationship with T and like me, hate the ending and want to stay all night and talk? I'm sorry this had an affect on you but it is normal.

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purplemoon said:
Anyhow back to my original topic - did I even start it.

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Yes you did. You are wondering if you are okay to leave T because he wasn't available when you need him to be. I understand this and have felt it myself.

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purplemoon said:
It would be better to stop on my terms don't you think?? I have been annoyed with T a few times lately. I don't get annoyed until after I leave the session and think about it. As a matter of fact today I so wanted to email him JERK JERK JERK today - why I don't know my last appt was last thurs. Now when I see him I don't think or feel these things so maybe it is time to take a break? Don't know. Maybe I am just running. Any thoughts?

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Ending is totally your decision. But when I have had these thoughts I then say to myself...if I was truly better wouldn't therapy end differently?

Having said that, if he isn't helping you and you know that for sure or you feel he isn't equipped to deal with what you need, then go. Just make sure your reasons are clear to you because you might not feel the same way later on.