[AnxiousGirl]

This may be an odd question but I think part of the reason I've never cried in the 2 years of seeing my T is the fear of her reaction.

I guess I'm expecting like a hug or something comforting like you would imagine when someone is crying, but after reading some threads I see that most T's just sit there and offer tissues without saying much until you stop crying.

For other, just let me know what your T does besides what is on the poll.

Thanks!

That's how my t is. She just says quietly "I have plenty of kleenex" and lets me carry on with it until I'm done. She doesn't comfort me, or try to stop me from crying. A couple of times (I have cried fairly often with her, I'm a crier) I have noticed that she has had tears in her eyes too. She wipes them away quickly, but I've seen them.

[LonesomeTonight]

My T will sometimes talk to me, sometimes let me get myself together a bit first. The tissues are always next to where I sit, so it's only an issue if they run out (she's gone to get me more before). Pretty much the same with my marriage counselor, though I'm more likely to apologize to him if I'm really weepy, and then he'll say, "It's OK" in a really caring voice. Usually the tissues are next to me in there, but a couple times recently, they were someplace else, and MC actually moved them to be next to me at the start of the session! Not that I cry every time, but still. A couple times in the past, he had them on his desk, and I had to ask him for them, which felt more awkward.

Neither of them, or any T or p-doc in the past, has tried to hug me or physically touch me in any way when I was upset. MC will do this thing he calls "hugging from across the room" and/or "holding with his voice," but nothing actually physical.

[bounceback]

I think most therapists don't offer clients physical contact when they are crying because they want to client to be able to feel their feelings. When I was in group we weren't even allowed to offer each other tissues because it takes someone away from their feelings. I voted either hand me a tissue, let me get my own tissue, talk to me or wait until I am finished crying and able to talk again. I had one who would ask me to tell her about the tears.

[stopdog]

I don't cry but the woman did, once when she was trying to convince to cry in front of her, describe how she reacted to clients crying.
Could you just ask her what she would do if you cried?

[AnxiousGirl]

Originally Posted by stopdog

I don't cry but the woman did, once when she was trying to convince to cry in front of her, describe how she reacted to clients crying.
Could you just ask her what she would do if you cried?

I would but I don't know if that's a weird question to ask her or not. She's never really mentioned it in the first place so I sort of didn't bring it up at all and figured I'll see what happens if I cry.

[stopdog]

I don't think it is a weird question at all.

[Pennster]

I cry all the time- he usually talks to me while I cry. Often we just continue the conversation and I talk through my tears. Once in awhile he'll just kind of sit there, but he'll usually start talking. Sometimes he sheds a tear or two.

I really, really wouldn't want him to touch me.

[ilikecats]

I haven't cried in therapy, but if I ever did, I would love a hug or some kind of touch. I doubt I'd get it though, because the only touch my T does is high five, which wouldn't really be appropriate if I were crying. She does have tissues in her office, so she'd probably offer those.

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[AllHeart]

I cry in session a lot. We usually just talk while the tears flow down my cheeks but sometimes when the topic is extremely difficult, t will remain quiet and act as my "compassionate witness" (sounds awkward but I have actually found this to be quite healing). And sometimes, my t sheds a few tears herself right along with me.

[LonesomeTonight]

Originally Posted by ilikecats

I haven't cried in therapy, but if I ever did, I would love a hug or some kind of touch. I doubt I'd get it though, because the only touch my T does is high five, which wouldn't really be appropriate if I were crying. She does have tissues in her office, so she'd probably offer those.

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I just had to say this made me laugh, because I had the image of someone sitting there sobbing and the T going, "High five!" and putting their hand in the air.

I cried as a child all alone. I cried as a teen, and young adult alone. There was no one that cared to give witness to my tears. My mother told me once, as a young adult when she saw me crying, that I had nothing to cry about. "I have a perfect life." I never cried again, even in private.

I was afraid to cry in therapy, and I scheduled a cry session. I couldn't cry until she held me in her arms, and then my tears and snot flowed all over her red checkered L.L. bean shirt and red vest. It is still very clear in my mind, and the image makes me smile a sigh of relief. It was years of tears that flowed till I was spent, maybe as long as an hour. This was repeated numerous times over 15 months. My therapist grabbed tissue to wipe my tears away. Nothing my parents would have done. Her touch and comfort never impeded me having a good long cry.

I don't get it when I hear therapist are not to comfort a crying client or even offer a box of Kleenex. "It interferes with them feeling their feelings. It breaks the thereuputic frame."

If a child is crying do we stay away and let them experience the loneliness as they feel their feelings or do we gather them up and let them cry in our arms, or at least offer a tissue? I had a childhood, and decades more, of no one willing to do anything for me as I grieved. If we are crying in front of a SO or close friend, are we supposed to sit there till they're done?
Many on PC do not have the securest attachment style, and painful fears of abandonment.

In a thread not too long ago, there was a link to a research paper on therapist therapy. More than 26% of the therapist that had non sexual touch had been held/cradled by their therapist. To me, what's most interesting about this statistic is that the research and paper were published more than 20 years ago. Yes, I understand many therapist and clients want nothing to do with touch. But fast forward 20 plus years and, therapist aren't sure they should at least put a box of tissues in a clients reach.

So glad to be done with the industry.

A poem I wrote about not crying when I started therapy four years ago:

I'm trying to be as quiet as I can.
Are the tears in my eyes making noises?
I'll put my shades on for all of you.

[Argonautomobile]

Originally Posted by LonesomeTonight

I just had to say this made me laugh, because I had the image of someone sitting there sobbing and the T going, "High five!" and putting their hand in the air.

Jajaja. That needs to be a scene in some black comedy stage-play.

I don't think it would be weird to ask what a T would do were you to cry. Mine just sort of sits there. It's not unpleasant.

[UglyDucky]

The one time I came close to crying (tears in eyes, biting my lower lip to stop the water works), I could hear T saying, "stay with the feelings...". When it was obvious I wasn't going to go all out and cry, T said, in a very low, compassionate voice, "you're repressing so much." I thanked T in our next session for talking to me - it was helpful to know s/he was close and hanging in with me. It's tough. First time is always hardest.

It depends on why I am crying. Most of the time he talks to me and tries to help me verbalize what is going on because often the cause is actually not clearly apparent and understanding where the tears are coming from is important insight to get to.

On a few occasions, the tears were out of pure grief and he was more likely to hold my hands or simply sit by me and place his hand on my back.

My T will be still. Sometimes she'll encourage me to "Cry it out. You need this, Quiet Mind." because I'm usually very intellectual in session.

There's a tissue box near her but it isn't within my reach. However there's a paper towel dispenser I can walk a couple of steps towards, then a sink and the dustbin.

Usually by the 5th second of me crying, I will automatically stand up to fetch paper towels to wipe my tears. I do that, throw my used paper towel away in the dustbin, then go back to my chair.

Usually that buys me enough space to compose myself.

She only offers me tissue (from the tissue box) if I cry longer than 5 seconds and don't get up myself.

She has asked me to "sit there and don't get up" because she's caught on...

I wish she'd put the stupid tissue box near me then, because my nose runs easily without much tears and it tends to drip (ewww!) before she offers me tissue!

[Chimney]

This may seem bizarre but I've had a goofy happy smile on my face reading these comments. Not because I'm laughing or anything nasty, but because I think of tears in therapy as healing. I see it as realisation. So reading this I picture all of you starting to heal just a little bit more with each tear.

I'm a weeper from way back. Always will be. But weeping in therapy. .....that feels like I'm sharing the weight of something. I strongly believe that once something is acknowledged we can begin to learn how to heal.

I've had just 2 different Ts and they are very different. John would sit quietly as I tried to stem the tears. There were always tissues close by but I tend to grab a handful but just scrunch them in my fist. I didn't feel uncomfortable at all. As I became a bit more in control of my breathing through the sobs he would pick out the thread that had triggered the tears and start to follow it.

Now Maggie. .....wow. Maggie has been amazing for me. I'm a touchy feely person and she will hug me as I leave, especially after a weepy session. Then it is a long lingering deep REAL hug. So so needed. It's the kind of hug my mum would give me but she died when I was only 35. We had been apart for all of my teen years too so for those few years I had my mum back, those deep hugs took me back to the secure feeling I had as a little girl before so much went wrong. Maggie knows all this but I don't think that is why she hugs me. It feels instinctive. There are times when she'll just touch my arm or squeeze my hand. She seems to sense when I'm more thoughtful in myself which is when I walk away thinking or mulling something over. A touch then would break into what I'm puzzling on.

There have been just a couple of times when the tears have been so all consuming. .....I mean far more than what I would normally experience. ..... As I've very recently been diagnosed with PTSD which tbh I'm still getting my head around, on these 2 occasions she was concerned that it may have been too much for me to continue experiencing. She said "you don't need to go on if it's too much for you right now" . I felt how much good it was doing to acknowledge what was going on so I said I wanted to continue. On these 2 occasions she sat very quietly and yes had tears in her eyes too. She knows me well that I will simply hold a scrunched tissue and wipe my nose on my sleeve instead. Once the moment is over. ....she takes my hand and gives me a squeeze as though to say "you did well". Then there is always that soothing hug as I leave. I'm so glad I met her. I'm learning so much about how to manage myself now.

[retro_chic]

I've never cried in T. I as soon as I get into the room I go into this weird disconnected/emotionally shut down mode. I really hate it because it isn't until after the session that the emotions come but by then I'm all alone and T is not there to help me and I have to wait a whole week to see her again and the cycle continues.

If I were to actually cry though I'm pretty sure my T would just let me cry and once I was done ask me questions about it to find the meaning of the tears. I highly doubt she would ever hug me. I'm too scared to ask.

[ScarletPimpernel]

My T doesn't do much when I cry. She's starting to remember to offer tissues! She used to not do that (or she'd put them in the middle of the room on the floor???). She'll start out silent if I go silent. When I talk, she talks. There isn't any analyzing about why I'm crying. We just continue to talk about whatever we were talking about. Oh and there's NO touching (accept for our hug at the end of sessions). My ex-T used to touch my arm or leg when I cried. I miss that.

[doogie]

My t will comfort me. Often come sit by me. This past session she actually got tissues and wiped my tears. It was a tender moment between us and it meant a lot. It does make expressing emotion easier in session when I know the emotions are not only tolerated but accepted and embraced.

[AnxiousGirl]

Wow ! Thank you all for your answers. It's nice to see the variety of reactions that T's give when you cry.

I have a session tomorrow and oddly I actually want to cry. I feel as though it would be such a huge breakthrough for both of us and build more on our trust.

[WrkNPrgress]

I need to click more than one bubble. I think most therapist view crying as a sign of progress. It's good to get it out.

The first time I cried, I apologized out of habit and my T encouraged me, "it's alright..." and let me work through it. I don't cry too often and I have difficulty expressing emotion so T actually encourages me to let go. She usually pauses to give me time and 'space' to cry but sometimes we'll keep talking.

The only time she ever soothed me was after a really abusive incident with my SO and I was outright bawling. She was very boundary-conscious in her approach too, asking permission literally on every movement to soothe.

[Mike_J]

She doesn't really offer me a tissue, they are sitting on the table next to me so always in reach

[ruh roh]

Mine does nothing. Just stares at me.

For me, crying is not healing.

Everyone is different though. I hope you find relief from it, or whatever it is that will help.

I've only ever cried once in therapy, over little under a year. It was because she said something very kind and unexpected, so much so, I couldn't help it. I'm not normally a crier. And have always cried alone. Not been comforted much. I hated the experience. She said it was a huge break through but I felt cross with myself. If I find myself getting remotely emotional now, I just try and make myself angry or use humour. Not going there. I realise the whole idiocy of it because the reasons are at the heart of why I'm there but I just can't.