[WanderingBark]

Hi all,

I want to open up this thread to include anyone who is experiencing changing boundaries or have questions about existing ones/potentially shifting boundaries.

I'll open this up with a question I have:

When T says, "let me know how it goes?" do you immediately follow up or do you wait until your next session to bring 'it' up? I ask because my T has a rule that outside communication is restricted to scheduling / billing only. But at the end of our last session, when I was paying for the week, he said "let me know how it goes. good luck, WanderingBark"

I have a very specific life-event happening tomorrow with a definitive beginning and end with a definitive outcome. Should I text or e-mail T tomorrow to let him know how it goes or would this break a boundary? I feel like he either relaxed this boundary just this once or he may be giving us more flexibility in communication. Thoughts?

[seoultous]

You could email him - its less intrusive than a text. As long as you don't have the expectation of a long response back from him what do you have to lose. He might respond or he might not. I doubt he would be "angry" if you did this but you know him - I don't.

[AllHeart]

I would take it that your t wants you to contact him after your definitive outcome. Because of his restricted boundaries, I wouldn't expect a response from him though.

Good luck with your life-event tomorrow!!

[Waterbear]

I would agree that emailing him sounds like a good idea. As said above, what do you have to lose. Maybe even explain that you weren't sure whether he meant to contact straight away and that you don't expect a response. That is if that is what you want to do. That is what is most important. Good luck for tomorrow.

[unaluna]

Sometimes my t expects me to act like a human and treat him like a human. Can you imagine calling him and sharing the good (or bad) news? Would he be like happy and relieved (or sad and sympathetic)? Would YOU be able to handle calling him?

[Pennster]

Yes, I find it really helpful to be explicit in saying that he doesn't need to reply. I would often email him to let him know how something has turned out, and how I feel about it.

Best wishes on tomorrow.

[stopdog]

If I was so inclined (I don't take orders from a therapist and so it would depend upon whether I wanted for some reason, to tell the therapist) as to tell the therapist the outcome of something - I would probably just wait until the appointment.

I would tend to wait for the next session for this kind of thing myself.

[awkwardlyyours]

I'd wait until the next session as well but then also bring up in the session that you had considered contacting him earlier but weren't sure whether to do so given the usual boundaries vs. his new message (I know that can tend to sound passive-aggressive but I do think it can be asked with genuine intent and then you can see how he responds.....if you're so inclined).

[WanderingBark]

Originally Posted by unaluna

Sometimes my t expects me to act like a human and treat him like a human. Can you imagine calling him and sharing the good (or bad) news? Would he be like happy and relieved (or sad and sympathetic)? Would YOU be able to handle calling him?

It's not about capacity to handle a situation, but about boundaries. If I called him every time I had good or bad news that I wanted to share with him, he would be paid a lot more than he is now! It's not about being human, it's about functional roles and sometimes breaking a boundary or misinterpreting functional roles can have painful consequences like...rejection....or being transferred for not honoring boundaries

[WanderingBark]

Originally Posted by awkwardlyyours

I'd wait until the next session as well but then also bring up in the session that you had considered contacting him earlier but weren't sure whether to do so given the usual boundaries vs. his new message (I know that can tend to sound passive-aggressive but I do think it can be asked with genuine intent and then you can see how he responds.....if you're so inclined).

I was thinking the same thing and was also concerned about the passive aggressive side. I think I have a tendency to slip into passive aggressiveness because, I feel, it's ridiculous that I have to pause in a situation like this and ask "is this okay?" especially with a person who is supposedly one of the only people in this world whom I have truly been vulnerable with

I have a very specific life-event happening tomorrow with a definitive beginning and end with a definitive outcome. Should I text or e-mail T tomorrow to let him know how it goes or would this break a boundary? I feel like he either relaxed this boundary just this once or he may be giving us more flexibility in communication. Thoughts?

It sounds like he wants to know how it goes, so I'd tell him tomorrow.

Do you think being scared to contact him comes from your own stuff? Such as, fear of "breaking someone's boundaries" = walking on eggshells. Healthy people are often flexible with things that are not of a serious nature (such as a phone call or email).

[healed84]

I can call/text/email anytime.. However, I only let t know how something went if he specifically asks me to do so before the next appointment.

[WanderingBark]

Originally Posted by seahorse

It sounds like he wants to know how it goes, so I'd tell him tomorrow.

Do you think being scared to contact him comes from your own stuff? Such as, fear of "breaking someone's boundaries" = walking on eggshells. Healthy people are often flexible with things that are not of a serious nature (such as a phone call or email).

I don't think it's unhealthy necessarily, but when you put it that way...maybe I should bring this up with him?

I'm just confused about how to function in this 'relationship' with my therapist. I feel like if I break a boundary that he'll transfer me. I've already had discussions with him about instances where I push boundaries and after those conversations, I feel rejected, ashamed, and a little crazy. I'm just trying to avoid that here.

. I feel like if I break a boundary that he'll transfer me.

Yeah, definitely talk with him about it-it sounds like something you need to work through.

I was like that with a previous T. Scared to death to text him, ask him for something, and anything else. Then one day -i just did and it was no big deal. lol All that fear for nothing.

Must have grown up scared to bother my mother, just didn't remember.

I say go for it. If he doesn't reply it could be uncomfortable for you, the waiting and wondering. That wouldn't necessarily mean it wasn't ok if he didn't write back. Who knows, he could tell you he was glad to have heard from you.

Email is always less risky than texts as it's less intrusive.

[stopdog]

Do you want to tell the therapist this thing and is there a need to do so before the next appointment? It would seem to me a way to keep the stress down is to clarify at the next appointment after deciding what it is you wanted (as opposed to the therapist)

[awkwardlyyours]

Originally Posted by WanderingBark

I was thinking the same thing and was also concerned about the passive aggressive side. I think I have a tendency to slip into passive aggressiveness because, I feel, it's ridiculous that I have to pause in a situation like this and ask "is this okay?" especially with a person who is supposedly one of the only people in this world whom I have truly been vulnerable with

I hear you.

I don't know if this will help -- I try to think of it this way (not just in therapy but in general) but of course, you may experience it differently:

I try to think of it as a chance to be genuinely curious about the other person's needs and wishes -- as in, here's this other human whose life / experiences etc are totally different from mine and I wonder what he / she wants in his / her life and from this moment of interaction and with me?

So, I try to forget that I already "know" them and that the emotional dance of our interactions has been set in stone already -- as in, I try to look at them anew even for a moment or two.

Trying to look at it (key word being trying!) from such a perspective of curiosity rather than the overwhelming feeling I have (of needing / wanting / feeling like I should be getting something but what the heck and so on), just creates a bit of space inside of me.

It also lets me feel a little more empowered inside of myself -- as in, I'm no longer then just this totally helpless, passive being that is dependent on the other person's words / actions and they have total power to make or break my day based not only on what they say but also how they say it.

And, doing so also helps me feel much more like an equal in that relationship -- as in, here I am trying to understand (and potentially negotiate) what may or may not be possible between us with another human as an equal rather than taking it all in while feeling utterly powerless or impotent.

All of it is of course much easier said than done -- it's not like the intensity of the need / sense of underlying anger goes away but that the perspective of curiosity creates a few moments of openness here and there and gives me some breathing room.

So, I try as much as possible at least to make that initial foray -- ask the initial question / open the discussion so to speak, from that place of curiosity but after that of course, it can often be overwhelming to keep it up as the other person reacts and I react and so on!

Okay, I guess I'll get off my soap-box right about now!

Good luck with your event and everything T related as well!

To clarify, I wouldn't not call out of a fear of breaking a boundary or anything. I just wouldn't find needed to tell my therapist something immediately really necessary unless it was something really earth-shattering. Most things don't need that kind of immediate sharing with my therapist like that. I share with family, etc., but I don't have that urgency to call my therapist over news.

[WanderingBark]

Originally Posted by awkwardlyyours

I hear you.

I don't know if this will help -- I try to think of it this way (not just in therapy but in general) but of course, you may experience it differently:

I try to think of it as a chance to be genuinely curious about the other person's needs and wishes -- as in, here's this other human whose life / experiences etc are totally different from mine and I wonder what he / she wants in his / her life and from this moment of interaction and with me?

So, I try to forget that I already "know" them and that the emotional dance of our interactions has been set in stone already -- as in, I try to look at them anew even for a moment or two.

Trying to look at it (key word being trying!) from such a perspective of curiosity rather than the overwhelming feeling I have (of needing / wanting / feeling like I should be getting something but what the heck and so on), just creates a bit of space inside of me.

It also lets me feel a little more empowered inside of myself -- as in, I'm no longer then just this totally helpless, passive being that is dependent on the other person's words / actions and they have total power to make or break my day based not only on what they say but also how they say it.

And, doing so also helps me feel much more like an equal in that relationship -- as in, here I am trying to understand (and potentially negotiate) what may or may not be possible between us with another human as an equal rather than taking it all in while feeling utterly powerless or impotent.

All of it is of course much easier said than done -- it's not like the intensity of the need / sense of underlying anger goes away but that the perspective of curiosity creates a few moments of openness here and there and gives me some breathing room.

So, I try as much as possible at least to make that initial foray -- ask the initial question / open the discussion so to speak, from that place of curiosity but after that of course, it can often be overwhelming to keep it up as the other person reacts and I react and so on!

Okay, I guess I'll get off my soap-box right about now!

Good luck with your event and everything T related as well!

Thank you so much for writing this. I really needed to read this / hear this perspective articulated as such.

[ruh roh]

Your therapist can survive not knowing something immediately, but can you endure waiting to see if he will reply? In other words, do it (or not) for yourself, not your therapist.

In my case, I would email an outcome or update because my therapist replies and I like that connection. I would not contact her if she limited her replies to scheduling because I would not find a value in sending information into a black hole. But that's me.

[unaluna]

I like what awkwardly yours and lola said. In my case, my t would get kinda mad at me for quote not letting him know when i was like home sick with bronchitis. If i started feeling better after seeing the MD and getting drugs, for example, and t said this, then yeah he wanted me to call and let him know if i was feeling better, or did i die. Not just show up (or not) for my next appointment. I would tend to underinform, as someone else here said, like dont bother mother unless youre on fire.

[Teddy:)]

Depending on how long it is until your next session I would just shoot him an email after the event tomorrow, letting him know how it went!
I'd just say something like "I understand that emailing is usually for scheduling/billing purposes but as you asked me to let you know how my event went, I just wanted to send you a quick email to let you know that it went......" you could even say that a reply is not necessary!

If I was in this situation, with your T having those boundaries, I would assume that he meant 'let me know next time I see you'.

I hope it goes well, let us know if you wish, immediately or at any time of your choosing...

[doogie]

When I first stated seeing my I, his boundaries were very similar - contact for scheduling/billing only. When I would email him (on rare occasion) for something like the even you are describing, I would always state that I knew what the boundaries were. For example, I might say...."I know your boundary for email is only billing and scheduling, and it's not my intent to push boundaries here, but I did want to send a quick note and follow up on (insert event here and give a very short outcome)." Also, I always clearly state that I do not need a response. Good luck!

[divine1966]

I texted my t when I got engaged ( she encouraged me to contact her any time but i only do for scheduling), I felt awkward texting her about private thing but she responded in total excitement for me. I was overthinking it

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk