Why do we have to "regulate" intense emotion in therapy

I really don't understand what I have read and learned about teaching clients how to regulate and control their emotions in therapy sessions. I understand we can't go around having emotional outbursts every day in life, butt why can't it be ok to lose control in sessions?

I have a therapist that I think the world of and I believe he has a genuine heart to help, but I know he is scared of the level of upset I have shown a couple of times. I understand that he fears that I will become so upset I will have a physical problem, but what he sees is my attempts to stop the emotions when they start because I know nobody can handle them. The worst part is he has decided that it is critical to help me learn how to control the emotions to make sure they can't overtake me and cause a physical problem. I know what I want more than anything in the world and would help more than anything in the world is to finally be somewhere safe enough and okay enough to lose control and no I won't lose myself and now all I can think is how that will never happen because I have scared him with what he has already seen and he thinks the best thing is to help me learn control. I have explained to him that I can control it and stop it, and I am beginning to do so but it is killing me that I know that my hope of ever being able to let this out is gone.

I understand that there is a lot of concern about retraumatization in therapy and because of that many therapists want to make sure the client is always safe which makes sense, but I also wonder how many people are out there that just need to have a safe place to explode and then they might be able to handle so much more and wouldn't need training or teaching on how to control it. For many people including myself, I think controlling it is one thing that we have absolutely perfected. I do understand that what is meant is not stuffing it in controlling it but learning how to regulate and manage it, but I sure wish my therapist was strong enough to be able to handle it instead of deciding I needed to learn better how to control it. Now all I want to do is stuff it back away so it doesn't have to be seen again.

I think it depends upon the therapist. I can't imagine the first one I see being able to handle strong emotion, but the second has described people screaming and writhing on the floor of her office and she seemed okay with it. Her only bar seems to be not physically threatening her.

Thanks stopdog, i can't imagine myself ever being on the floor like that, but I sure wish mine could handle it if it were the case. Then I think I would believe it were ok. He used to tell me anything that happened in there was ok, but I guess what he started to see was more then he expected and the bad part is that I do get it stopped shortly after it stops so I know what's really in there can't ever come out. I would never want anther therapist because I trust mine and think he is amazing but I just wish.

Hmm. I guess it comes down to whether you consider an intense expression of emotion to be therapeutic in and of itself. I can see where it might be. Then again, I think having a good ability to regulate intense affect is pretty ****ing invaluable, too, and can understand why people would think outbursts unhelpful. Either way, I hope you're able to resolve this with your T.

Why is a therapist afraid of all these things? Being out of control in therapy is a great place to experience that ams have the T contain that for you.
I don't get that. A T leaving a client with not only their emotions, but having to contemplate the T's too.

I don't think he means to mouse. I know he is scared I could get so bad I have a physical reaction. I just wish it weren't the case. He does say he doesn't want me to keep controlling it all the time but just when it gets to intense and could be dangerous, but to me is either in or out and since I know he is scared of the possibilities of "out" I feel I have to keep it in. We have talked about coping and skills to bring the emotions down and I understand the why, I just wish it didn't have to be.

I have completely gotten lost in emotional reactions in therapy, and it was not therapeutic or cathartic or helpful to me in any way whatsoever. It was completely distressing and frightening. I did have strong physical reactions and was terrified. My therapists handled it, but it was not something either of us ever wanted to see me go through again if it was preventable.

Thanks lolgrace.. I am sure that's what he is worried about also. I have just read so much about teaching people how to take control of their emotions and seldom seem to hear about people who could just let go. To me keeping control is all I've ever been able to do and I think I was kind of dreaming that this might be the first time in my life I would be able to let go of that control. I do understand where it's coming from though, and I hate that you had such a bad experience yourself.

There is a middle ground -- lots of in-between. That is what regulating emotions is about. It isn't about completely controlling emotions, but it is about being able to experience them and vent them in ways that is actually helpful rather than overwhelming and traumatizing.

So perhaps what you need to find is that in-between emotional experience that can truly be helpful. I was VERY controlled in emotions for many years, but I have learned how to express and experience strong emotion without events as out of control as those I spoke of. Those were instances that were truly too much . . . they went too far . . . and they were actually traumatizing in themselves. It doesn't have to be that way (and usually wasn't for me thank goodness), but you know the old saying: "Be careful what you ask for."

I think you raise valid points. It cant be healthy to suppress a smoldering rage, and maybe exploding might be necessary at times. But too much catharsis or release can overwhelm the system apparently. I guess trauma experts say you have to go in and out carefully, pendulation one guy calls it, paying close attention to the body. Have you tried any somatic or body-oriented therapies?

If your T is scared and you are feeling encouraged to keep a lid on it, I wonder who is being protected?

I think these are three separate, albeit related things --

1. Whether or not you feel like you can 'let go' in therapy as you'd like to,

2. Whether your T can actually handle it when you do and,

3. Whether you trust that your T can handle it.

I think to figure out if it'll be cathartic or therapeutic for you is something only you can decide -- we're all different and what may be helpful for someone may not be so for others.

But, I think the key is that a) you want to be able to do it and, b) you don't trust that your T can handle it.

I think judging yourself and stopping yourself from doing something that you want to do (which is not physically harmful to the T) isn't perhaps very helpful for you -- even if it turns out that letting go was not ultimately helpful to you, stopping yourself from doing it may perhaps always leave you feeling like something is lacking and that your trust in your T is not complete in a rather fundamental way.

Thank you budfox and awkwardlyyours...

Budfox, I really think my t is just scared that something physically is going to happen such as a heart attack. He died keep saying to not control it so much in regular sessions and that his concern is in guided imagery, but I am now afraid of he sees to much at other times that will be the same thing that happen with the guided imagery and so I am trying to control everything the best I can so I don't ruin what I have left.

Awkwardlyyours, you are right that I don't feel like I can let it go but I have always felt that was something I shouldn't do and I know that's one of my issues. He had encouraged me to stop controlling it so much since the beginning but when we did the guided imagery and he got scared I am sure that if I don't control it at other times it is going to med things up then also.
I do trust my t very much but I am uncertain if he could handle what geeks like a f5 tornado in me... I sure feel like if it comes out I might not be able to handle it without his help and if it freaks him out, we're up that creek without the paddle.

I don't know the answer but I hope the end is somehow good.

Thank you both for your thoughts

In my case this would be bad if not contained because I could end up leaving the session and cutting

I get what you're saying. I'm trying to restuff emotions now because of this issue.

I watched a YT the other day where a psychiatrist/trauma specialist was talking about a study of girls suffering from PTSD as a result of CSA. One of the main conclusions -- the best predictor of good outcomes in therapy was how successful the therapist was at helping the patient with affect regulation.

He said:

"You are only as good a therapist as you are an affect regulator" (he said the same about parenting).

"If you cannot get your patients to feel safe and to stop hurting themselves and other people, you are a failure as a therapist. It's ok to do it, just don't charge people."

^^absolutely!