I sometimes wonder why it has to be so painful to be attached to a therapist. I have no plans to stop seeing my t but I know the day will eventually come when we will terminate. Sometimes I think that this relationship has stopped me developing more intimate relationships but then I look back and see how much the relationships I do have have flourished because of my relationship with t.
I am feeling very sad this week because you are away and it's when you go away I realise I am alone. I sometimes wonder if it's possible to go back in time when I wasn't in therapy and didn't have the awareness I have now, I was somewhat happy then and now I feel so desperately sad. Sometimes we don't understand each other t but most of the time we do and then that's when I fall part because I can never know you outside of our hour a week together and that's when I feel that this is false. I need more from you t, I need real connection. Can anybody relate or am I falling apart here?

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[rothfan6]

I can relate a lot, there's so many emotions. Therapy seems cruel at times. I'm finally in a place were I rely on him but having to terminate at some point although a long way off, just looms overhead. I go back forth almost weekly about quitting before I get more attached.

[Schizoid_1]

I've started getting attached to my therapist. The first 4 days between my sessions seem like absolute agony (no contact between sessions). It feels like I lack something, I lack her. My mood lifts during last 3 days as the separation anxiety turns into excitement from anticipation. I've never experienced such strong emotions for anybody earlier.

PS Please also note that my brother sees my therapist too, and has multiple sessions in a week (2x, 3x per week) which sometime stretch beyond the hour. And I have to drop him and wait in the waiting room (he has a lot of anxiety issues). It is like she is near me, I can see her, but the distance between us is unbridgeable.

Originally Posted by rothfan6

I can relate a lot, there's so many emotions. Therapy seems cruel at times. I'm finally in a place were I rely on him but having to terminate at some point although a long way off, just looms overhead. I go back forth almost weekly about quitting before I get more attached.

It does seem cruel and unnecessary but at the same time very necessary for our healing. It sounds as though you are in control of your therapy and when it will eventually end. I can handle the positive emotions it's the negative I don't know what to do with

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Originally Posted by Schizoid_1

I've started getting attached to my therapist. The first 4 days between my sessions seem like absolute agony (no contact between sessions). It feels like I lack something, I lack her. My mood lifts during last 3 days as the separation anxiety turns into excitement from anticipation. I've never experienced such strong emotions for anybody earlier.

PS Please also note that my brother sees my therapist too, and has multiple sessions in a week (2x, 3x per week) which sometime stretch beyond the hour. And I have to drop him and wait in the waiting room (he has a lot of anxiety issues). It is like she is near me, I can see her, but the distance between us is unbridgeable.

That sounds incredibly painful
I know when my friend saw my t the pain was unbearable, I was so jealous. T disclosed things to her that she hadn't to me and so I felt their relationship was stronger than ours but I forgot that I was hearing only her side of things and not ts. People tell you what they want you to hear. I don't know how you drop your brother off, it would hurt me too much!

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[rothfan6]

Originally Posted by monalisasmile

It does seem cruel and unnecessary but at the same time very necessary for our healing. It sounds as though you are in control of your therapy and when it will eventually end. I can handle the positive emotions it's the negative I don't know what to do with

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I wish I had an answer for you about the negative emotions Hopefully we will figure them out or atleast get to a point were they are tolerable. I think that's probably the main goal of therapy, at least for me, learning to have a safe connection and relationship with people. It's just slow and painful in the meantime.

He's said he's not going to bail and is willing to work with me until I'm ready to quit but I don't really believe that.

[BayBrony]

Sometimes I think this longing for more time with T is like the fantasy longing for the perfect spouse or job...because say T WAS my friend..I'm not 20 anymore.,I am very busy with work and my horses..I see my friends maybe once every few weeks??? Yes my friends and I have fun together, we go riding, we have deep conversations ....but I actually spend MORE consistent and reliable time with my T than I do with anyone except my spouse. Even my best friend and I don't see each other as reliably as I see my T. So what dies it mean to want her to be my friend??? I want to see her every couple weeks and talk over text a lot?? Go trail riding with her?? Get together for dinner once a month???
When I look at it through the lens of what my actually friendships are like, rather than some fantasy idea of a friendship, I realize that the relationship I have with my T currently is probably more intimate than it would ever be if we were friends...and that tends to make me feel very satisfied and happy right where I am.

[UglyDucky]

Originally Posted by monalisasmile

I sometimes wonder why it has to be so painful to be attached to a therapist. I have no plans to stop seeing my t but I know the day will eventually come when we will terminate. Sometimes I think that this relationship has stopped me developing more intimate relationships but then I look back and see how much the relationships I do have have flourished because of my relationship with t.
I am feeling very sad this week because you are away and it's when you go away I realise I am alone. I sometimes wonder if it's possible to go back in time when I wasn't in therapy and didn't have the awareness I have now, I was somewhat happy then and now I feel so desperately sad. Sometimes we don't understand each other t but most of the time we do and then that's when I fall part because I can never know you outside of our hour a week together and that's when I feel that this is false. I need more from you t, I need real connection. Can anybody relate or am I falling apart here?

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I'm so sorry you feel so miserable. I've asked myself the same questions you've asked, especially how one gets through termination after feeling so close to someone...? I have to have faith that the therapy process will prepare me - that these intense feelings of attachment will gradually lessen to become like a warm and comforting life-long friendship w/o the pain. My T was gone for a week not long ago and I had the worst reaction (think, emergency and hospital). I managed, but it was very painful, so I truly understand where you are coming from. Hang on and talk to your T about the feelings if they get too intense. Sending you sympathetic thoughts and .

I can definitely relate. I've grown so very much because of this t relationship, but at the same time, it hurts so much sometimes too. She's been so patient with me as I talk the feelings out with her, in the past, I don't understand why I'm having trouble this time around. But I do relate and I'm sorry you're feeling this peculiar form of misery too.

[BudFox]

Originally Posted by monalisasmile

It does seem cruel and unnecessary but at the same time very necessary for our healing.

Is it necessary?

[BayBrony]

My T says that the pain part of being attached is really about 1. Grieving other relationships, such as the parent relationship we never had and 2. Working through the issues that prevent us from feeling OK on our own, without anyone else. My T says that ideally I would one day have enough sense of my own worth as a human being that everyone could abandon me and I'd STILL believe in my own inherent value, still believe I was a good and loveable person. She says the love part of the relationship is the true part, while much of the pain part is from stories I tell.myself that are more rooted in my past than reality--- for example she doesn't respond to a voicemail and I think she doesn't care when in reality she never got it. I tell myself the same thing my mom told me--my T doesn't love me because I'm needy/annoying/worthless and therefore didn't return my call...that all comes from ME and is not related to the reality of our relationship.
In my case at least its true. I have often cried my heart out only to find that my T never felt or thought the things i thought she did.....

Thank you for all of your replies and I am glad to hear that people can relate but not glad to hear of the pain and suffering it causes. I wish there was an easy way through it and perhaps denying the feelings and attachment would be one way but that in itself is a struggle. I always had attachments to my ts all five of them but with this one it's worse because she actually does care about me and I have never felt a real sense of caring from any of the others. I get confused because some times her caring feels like controlling and of course that gets mixed up with my own mother. My t always encourages me to love myself and to respect myself and it is the hardest thing in the world for me to do but like bay's t she is encouraging my sense of self and trying to make me appreciate myself rather than search approval from others. It is improved but why is my attachment to t still so strong. I know why this week because she is gone away and last week it was because she was so incredibly kind to me, I yearned for her so much after that. She asked why that session was so healing for me and I couldn't tell her because I was so ashamed of these feelings. I made up some stupid excuse about how it was because she didn't get mad at me or retaliate after I sent her that really angry text but I wanted to say it was because you were the kindest that anyone has ever been to me and it stirred up a longing in me and a loss because I never had anybody to care about me.


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Originally Posted by BudFox

Is it necessary?

Yes, I believe it is because through this we discover our deepest feelings and desires that have been shamed, split off and abandoned by us and others. By getting to know these feelings with our ts we discover parts of us that have never been acknowledged. It is painful to listen to these parts and to get to know them.

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Originally Posted by UglyDucky

I'm so sorry you feel so miserable. I've asked myself the same questions you've asked, especially how one gets through termination after feeling so close to someone...? I have to have faith that the therapy process will prepare me - that these intense feelings of attachment will gradually lessen to become like a warm and comforting life-long friendship w/o the pain. My T was gone for a week not long ago and I had the worst reaction (think, emergency and hospital). I managed, but it was very painful, so I truly understand where you are coming from. Hang on and talk to your T about the feelings if they get too intense. Sending you sympathetic thoughts and .

Thank you ️

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Originally Posted by BayBrony

My T says that the pain part of being attached is really about 1. Grieving other relationships, such as the parent relationship we never had and 2. Working through the issues that prevent us from feeling OK on our own, without anyone else. My T says that ideally I would one day have enough sense of my own worth as a human being that everyone could abandon me and I'd STILL believe in my own inherent value, still believe I was a good and loveable person. She says the love part of the relationship is the true part, while much of the pain part is from stories I tell.myself that are more rooted in my past than reality--- for example she doesn't respond to a voicemail and I think she doesn't care when in reality she never got it. I tell myself the same thing my mom told me--my T doesn't love me because I'm needy/annoying/worthless and therefore didn't return my call...that all comes from ME and is not related to the reality of our relationship.
In my case at least its true. I have often cried my heart out only to find that my T never felt or thought the things i thought she did.....

Thank you for this post and your other post Bay, I am at the crying stage today and I know the messages I am telling myself are not helping but it's hard to change a habit of a lifetime

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[TrailRunner14]

Originally Posted by monalisasmile

Thank you for this post and your other post Bay, I am at the crying stage today and I know the messages I am telling myself are not helping but it's hard to change a habit of a lifetime

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Thank you for posting this thread!! Thank you also for the replies that others posted. I have been feeling all of what y'all have posted here and until now, I thought there was something wrong with me! Now, your replies have helped me understand that it is normal, ok, and part of healing the hurt.

Don't know if I'm brave enough to talk to my counselor about it just yet. Y'all have encouraged me to think on that.

I'm sorry for your pain! Hope it eases up. I understand.

[BudFox]

You said: " I sometimes wonder if it's possible to go back in time when I wasn't in therapy and didn't have the awareness I have now, I was somewhat happy then and now I feel so desperately sad. Sometimes we don't understand each other t but most of the time we do and then that's when I fall part because I can never know you outside of our hour a week together and that's when I feel that this is false. I need more from you t, I need real connection. Can anybody relate or am I falling apart here?"

So I wonder then why you see this process as necessary or even healthy.

I can relate to this, as it is my experience also. I also am more sad (actually it's much worse than that), and found it devastating to develop such intense longing for someone that I would only see 1 hr per week, and I also found it false after a while and desperately wanted authentic connection.

I understand too. I have become secretly attached to every therapist I've ever seen. Male/female, it doesn't matter. Like a poster above said, I think it's just the experience of having someone who you feel cares. I would NEVER talk to my therapist about these feelings, but I do know it's wrong, and that I should be working through it with the therapist I am too ashamed of the way I feel to ever share.

[TrailRunner14]

Originally Posted by Aloan

I understand too. I have become secretly attached to every therapist I've ever seen. Male/female, it doesn't matter. Like a poster above said, I think it's just the experience of having someone who you feel cares. I would NEVER talk to my therapist about these feelings, but I do know it's wrong, and that I should be working through it with the therapist I am too ashamed of the way I feel to ever share.

No. I don't think it's wrong. What I'm feeling right now is that it is true emotional connection to another person with no fear of anger, if I say something that is not understood there is no fear of a blow up. It feels like there is safety there for questions and understanding.

That's just me. It's also my heart that I try so hard to protect and keep safe.

[1stepatatime]

[QUOTE=monalisasmile;5044404]I sometimes wonder why it has to be so painful to be attached to a therapist. I have no plans to stop seeing my t but I know the day will eventually come when we will terminate. Sometimes I think that this relationship has stopped me developing more intimate relationships but then I look back and see how much the relationships I do have have flourished because of my relationship with t.
I am feeling very sad this week because you are away and it's when you go away I realise I am alone. I sometimes wonder if it's possible to go back in time when I wasn't in therapy and didn't have the awareness I have now, I was somewhat happy then and now I feel so desperately sad. Sometimes we don't understand each other t but most of the time we do and then that's when I fall part because I can never know you outside of our hour a week together and that's when I feel that this is false. I need more from you t, I need real connection. Can anybody relate or am I falling apart here?

Hi Mona
I'm sorry that your going through intense difficulty .. The therapist/client dynamic is so difficult ( especially for the client,and I can only speak as a client). I can relate to what you said about being more aware now vs before being in therapy. But that awareness comes at a price. We suffer from what sometimes feels like the most insatiable desire to be closer to our therapists, to want more from them, and to know the cruel reality that we only know what little they share and they know ALL about us.We (usually) only see them once a week. It is the most unbalanced relationship ever!!
That's exact how it has been for me. I would obsess thinking about my therapist. I would get angry with her, for just about anything that she did wrong. Sometimes it was justified and sometimes maybe it was my own stuff. About a month ago ( maybe a little less) I had posted that my therapist came off rather uncaring after my surgery. Well, since then I've had some sort of epiphany. I realize that I have expected too much from my therapist. It still hurts like hell but I know that she will never care for me the way I wish she would. I am her client. I kind of feel like I have given up on her ( wanting more than she can give me) . Maybe it is healthy that I have come to this realization. It still hurts though! I've even thought that maybe I need a break, but that's for another post😊 I guess what I'm saying is that I don't know if this therapist/ client relationship is a bad thing or a good thing.. it just is. We take what's beneficial and learn from it, even if it hurts. We learn what is our stuff and in some instances, what is not our stuff. I hope that I didn't ramble on too much..and that you find the clarity that you need. : )

[laxer12]

Originally Posted by BayBrony

My T says that the pain part of being attached is really about 1. Grieving other relationships, such as the parent relationship we never had and 2. Working through the issues that prevent us from feeling OK on our own, without anyone else. My T says that ideally I would one day have enough sense of my own worth as a human being that everyone could abandon me and I'd STILL believe in my own inherent value, still believe I was a good and loveable person. She says the love part of the relationship is the true part, while much of the pain part is from stories I tell.myself that are more rooted in my past than reality--- for example she doesn't respond to a voicemail and I think she doesn't care when in reality she never got it. I tell myself the same thing my mom told me--my T doesn't love me because I'm needy/annoying/worthless and therefore didn't return my call...that all comes from ME and is not related to the reality of our relationship.
In my case at least its true. I have often cried my heart out only to find that my T never felt or thought the things i thought she did.....

Wow, this makes so much sense to me. I just realized that whether my attachment to my therapist is weak or strong at a certain point in time is dependent on how secure I feel with myself and how much I believe I have value. Right now those feelings waver quite a bit so the attachment is pretty strong...

[Bipolar Warrior]

I want to bring this up with my uni therapist the next time I see her, because I simply don't understand it. I don't understand how we got from that day at the beginning of February last year when I arrived 30 minutes late for my first session, to where we are now. I don't know what happened. The question I keep asking myself is, "What did I do?"

She tells me she loves me. How?! HOW did that happen?! And what does that even mean?

I can relate to that feeling of shame after such a display of kindness. I broke down in tears a couple of months ago, for the first time ever in front of her, and she moved her chair to my side of the desk we have between us and put her arms around me. She held me like that for several minutes until I stopped crying, softly speaking comforting words the whole time, and afterwards I was so ashamed I didn't know what to do with myself. I want her to hold me again, because it made me feel so loved, but then I don't understand why she would love me and I feel it is wrong to love her as much as I do.

She is a fantastic therapist who has made me aware of so many self-destructive things I do on a daily basis, and I have grown so much from working with her, but this particular aspect of our relationship is very painful for me.

[BayBrony]

Originally Posted by laxer12

Wow, this makes so much sense to me. I just realized that whether my attachment to my therapist is weak or strong at a certain point in time is dependent on how secure I feel with myself and how much I believe I have value. Right now those feelings waver quite a bit so the attachment is pretty strong...

For me its the opposite. The more secure I am.in myself, the more securely and happily attached I am to my T. I feel comforted, loved and secure. I feel safe asking for what I need and trust she will respond with love. The worse i feel about myself then less confidence I have in my T relationship. I have less faith in her caring, more insecurity, more fear and more pain....the relationship is much more difficult for me then

[BudFox]

I used to not question this stuff. I went to therapy because that's what people do. Having been hurt (traumatized actually) badly in the process, I now question all of it. Having these attachments and emotional dependencies with paid consultants whose investment in my life is tenuous at best… I cannot convince myself now that this is part of the natural order of things. Seems more like an aberration. The natural order is authentic, spontaneous relationships rather than illusory, contrived ones. YMMV.

Yes, this was what I was going to start a thread about. I want to spend time with T outside of session, and I want her to make chit chat with me. She is all business however. I just saw the receipt from my final session before I returned. It simply notes that therapy has ended. Very cold. I am back at therapy now and it's the same deal. She is warm and nice during the time allotted, then she doesn't want to know me.