Worst. Session. Ever.

So I just had the worst T session ever tonight. T and I literally sat in silence for 20 mins because I just couldn't talk and the longer we sat in silence the harder it was for me to talk. It was horrible. I am so angry at T. I went from feeling so connected to her and idealising her last session to actually hating her this session. During that 20min silence I actually started to tear up which was a big deal for me as I have never cried in the almost 3 years I've been in therapy and T was too busy writing notes to even notice. I was literally screaming at her in my head "LOOK AT ME! WHY WONT YOU LOOK AT ME?!". I just wanted to storm out the room and say "F you T, I QUIT!". I regret even starting this therapy journey again. I feel worse than ever. During the session I just kept thinking "I want to die. I want to die. I want to die".

All of this was triggered by the fact that I may only be able to see T fortnightly due to financial reasons. T presented me with about 4 different payment options which are all pretty terrible. I can't be bothered to go into detail about them now but yeah... it really highlighted the fact that I'm just a client and these sessions are merely a business transaction.

So sorry to hear that, you would have presumed after 10 mins or so she would have helped you out a little. It must be tough also to go from connected to so distant in just one session. Do you have out of session contact, can you let her know how you are feeling/what you are thinking? I am sure in us somewhere we all know we are part of their business but just as at work I treat all stakeholders with care, compassion and respect I would always expect the same from anyone else, even if I am 'just a client'.

T did say something after about 10 mins. She asked me how I was going and I just mumbled "I don't know. I can't think of anything to talk about.". Then after a pause I said "I canceled my gym membership" and T told me not to feel pressured to talk and then asked me if I wanted to talk about that (the gym thing). There was more to the gym thing that I wanted to bring up but T's response totally put me off so we sat in silence for another 10 minutes.

I guess I was living in a bit of a fantasy before thinking that my relationship with T was more than a business transaction. I wish I could still believe in that fantasy.

Is your session only 20 minutes long? What happened during the rest of it? To me, her response sounded validating, not off-putting. Why was it so negative for you?
I understand your fantasy. Sometimes I think I'm only my T's job, that it's a business transaction, even when she reassures me it's not. But when I act like we have a normal friendship type relationship, I get disappointed. I think our fantasies can be unreal, but we may be thinking in black and white. The T relationship is unique. It's business and personal at the same time. My T is NOT like my accountant! There's much more caring and love involved in therapy. There's a middle ground. At least that's the way I see it. I hope you have a better session next time.

I'm so sorry....I, too, have had MANY fairly silent sessions in therapy. I felt awkward about it, bad, guilty, but my T said sometimes just sitting in that room together in silence is maybe what I need. To feel the pain but have someone there with me. I think your T tried to engage you once by trying to start conversation, but I also think it's good of her that she wouldn't make you feel pressured to talk if you didn't want to. But it does feel kinda bad....I know that well. There is a lot of silence in my sessions....

Thanks for the replies everyone. I'm on my way to work now and I need to get into "I'm-a-normal-well adjusted-person" mode so I'm trying not to think about this situation too much for now. I will respond to all your replies later this evening.

What rainbow said is so true. It is not that your t does not care but this is their livelihood. It would be similar to you going to work tonight and your employer saying I am sorry I can't afford your salary anymore and then being surprised that you aren't working with them anymore. Even if you were close with your employer you would need to find a job that supports you.

From what you say, it sounds like you were in a very bad emotional place so it didn't work either when she tried to respect your silence or when she tried to engage with you (though I think respecting your silence would have implied actually sitting there with you, seeing you, not just typing up notes, so that's something I really think was unprofessional). Beside that, I think she just wasn't attuned to you - didn't understand what you were going through emotionally and what you needed her to do. Her questions seem logical but it sounds like she stopped on a thinking levcel and wasn't really with you emotionally? Anyway, I'm sorry you've been in such a bad place. Communication is difficult on both sides when it becomes so hard to express what's going on inside, and it's even more difficult to get out of that place without good help.

As for the payment, I've been there, barely being able to afford therapy, sometimes not at all, and I know how it can make us wonder about the authenticity of the therapeutic relationship. On the other hand, she did offer 4 payment options, which is a lot of options. So that makes me think it's not just a business transaction because if you go to most other types of businesses and can't afford something, you don't get it, period. I'm sorry the options weren't helpful though. Of course there's a business side to therapy and I've experienced first hand how painful that can be, especially at difficult times or during ruptures. But I felt I would write that to me, reading this, four options trying to help you means she does want to work with and help you (even though she may or may not be able to). Sometimes if I am feeling rejected or like I'm just the business for my therapist, I tend not to see what he does do for me, which is why I thought I'd mention this.

Also, even though there is a business aspect, most therapeutic relationship also have genuine caring. Only you can tell whether or not your therapist really cares about you (but being your therapist, can't just offer services for free, even though she does want to help) or if she really just wants the money. There is something my therapist has said to me that I tend to use a lot myself and seemed like great advice - listen to your intuition about this and you will know if it's real or not. Sounds simple but it really helped me to hear it so thought I'd share.

My session is 50 minutes long. The first 20 were spent talking about the different fee options she had come up with. We also talked about my medication situation (which is a whole other story). Then the silence came. The last 10 minutes were spent talking about the silence or rather T talked about it and I just mumbled a few words here and there.

I'm not even sure if I want to continue with therapy. I'm still so angry at T but attached to her at the same time. Also, there is still that issue of payment. I have taken a photo of the options T typed out for me but I can't figure out how to attach it .

I really didn't give T anything to work with in terms of how she could help me so it really wasn't her fault. In fact, none of this is her fault and yet I still feel like it is. That was one of the things that it made it so difficult to talk. I felt all this anger towards her and it felt so unjustified and ridiculous that I couldn't express it. I was so angry that anything she said was wrong somehow and everything about her was annoying to me. Her face, her voice just everything.

I'm beginning to see now that the session wasn't a complete waste of time though. I now have plenty of things to talk about at the next session. I still feel conflicted about quitting and trying to work through this. Hopefully T and I can work through it.

Experience doesn't need to be logical or "right"in order to be valid and important. Yes, you didn't give her much to work with, and she didn't give you the safe enough space for you to do that. It may be nobody's fault and your anger is still important and very well worth exploring. I hope you will be able to work through this in a way that will be helpful to you.

Hi retro chic, did the payment options upset you & then you didn't want to talk? Talking about you being upset would have been good.

Totally feel your pain.

I never thought therapy was anything else, but everything about it made it feel like it was. It was far too intimate and there was too much emotional entanglement. The shock when T did things that reminded me that her caring was conditional and superficial was horrific, a kick to the face. I felt like a fool and I accepted the blame for having become dependent and for having fallen for the ruse, even though I was set up.

I think this is one of the essential cruelties of therapy. The T's persona and performance draws out all your deepest needs and you idealize them and the perfect relationship forms before your eyes, and then what? It's a trap. And if T then pulls back, or you cant see them as often, or they terminate, etc then the client is wrecked.

Why was she jotting down notes when you are sitting there dying inside?

I don't know but I'm going to ask her about it when I see her next week. My anger towards her has subsided a bit since the session but that part still upsets me.

Yeah, I think that's what upset me. We had started discussing it in the previous session so the possibility of only seeing her fortnightly had been on my mind for a week and was causing me a lot of anxiety and feelings of abandonment. I think it was that feeling of abandonment that caused me to put up a wall and distance myself from T and not talk during session. A defence mechanism to stop myself from getting hurt anymore. Clearly it didn't work