T: What is it?

Me: I don't want to say

T: Okay, it's just, I saw you shift there.

Me: I want to tell you what I'm thinking but I don't. I'm scared the answer might be hurtful. I will tell you, but don't answer me.

T: okay.

Me: I'm wondering whether last session when you said I mattered to you, whether that's the same as "I care about you".

T: but you don't want me to answer.

Me: there are conflicting needs fighting with each other.

T: One need is to know I care about you.

Me: I can't even say that.

T: I'm feeling conflicted because I feel as though you are saying you don't want to know on one hand, yet I'm hearing "tell me!".

Me: I don't want to take the risk.

T: Well I feel like one of us has to; I do care about you Echos. That has grown as you have shared more of yourself with me, and I can feel that in my heart.

My T is awesome.

[musinglizzy]

What a sweet thing to hear!!

[junkDNA]

He managed to turn the conversation from being scary and hard to comforting and safe.

[Out There]

Your T is indeed awesome . Thanks for sharing your experiences.

[LonesomeTonight]

Aw, that's so sweet! And he clearly does know you well

[Patientgirl]

My t just said if I didnt care you would have known

Originally Posted by LonesomeTonight

Aw, that's so sweet! And he clearly does know you well

I know. I asked him before that what's the difference between someone mattering to you and caring about someone and he said he supposes caring is more of an active feeling. He said after he was wondering if this is what I had meant by that question.
I still couldn't tell him I cared about him though! I went all round the houses and basically implied it, but couldn't say the words.

[Fuzzybear]

[Luce]

That is a little bit of therapy awesomeness right there.

Originally Posted by Luce

That is a little bit of therapy awesomeness right there.

He's a great T.

[rainbow8]

Thanks for sharing, Echos. I agree that your T is awesome! Hopefully you'll be able to eventually tell him you care about him though I'm sure he already knows it.

Originally Posted by rainbow8

Thanks for sharing, Echos. I agree that your T is awesome! Hopefully you'll be able to eventually tell him you care about him though I'm sure he already knows it.

Thanks rainbow
I had said it to him in a dream, which I told him and I told him I wouldn't be able to say that in real life "but that's not because it isn't true" which is pretty much saying it, isn't it!
T called it "saying it in parentheses" which I thought was a good description.
I think my fear is, if I care about him I have something to lose.

[LonesomeTonight]

Originally Posted by Echos Myron

Thanks rainbow
I had said it to him in a dream, which I told him and I told him I wouldn't be able to say that in real life "but that's not because it isn't true" which is pretty much saying it, isn't it!
T called it "saying it in parentheses" which I thought was a good description.
I think my fear is, if I care about him I have something to lose.

I like that idea of "saying it in parentheses," since that would probably apply to the way I often say things!

I know exactly what you mean about afraid of caring or loving someone--and expressing it to them makes it more real. (see: my recent posts in Dear T!)

Originally Posted by LonesomeTonight

I like that idea of "saying it in parentheses," since that would probably apply to the way I often say things!

I know exactly what you mean about afraid of caring or loving someone--and expressing it to them makes it more real. (see: my recent posts in Dear T!)

Yes! Expressing it totally makes it more real! As long as it's in my head I can pretend it's not true. Definitely a defence against abandonment, probably from childhood. I've been following your posts on Dear T, I know you're going through similar stuff; it seems like you're much braver at expressing this stuff than me though!

[rainbow8]

Originally Posted by Echos Myron

Thanks rainbow
I had said it to him in a dream, which I told him and I told him I wouldn't be able to say that in real life "but that's not because it isn't true" which is pretty much saying it, isn't it!
T called it "saying it in parentheses" which I thought was a good description.
I think my fear is, if I care about him I have something to lose.

I like the phrase, "saying it in parentheses". I also have trouble telling T directly how much I care about her. It was always, " a part loves you" or something like that. I told her that if she dies I will cry and cry, but not directly "I love you" though I sign my emails love because she does.

When she said "I love you, rainbow" in a session a couple of months ago, I kind of panicked. She means a generic kind of love, not romantic, but it's scary. Yes, there's a lot to lose when "love" is expressed, but there's so much to be gained! A famous quote whose author I forgot is "Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all."

Originally Posted by rainbow8

I like the phrase, "saying it in parentheses". I also have trouble telling T directly how much I care about her. It was always, " a part loves you" or something like that. I told her that if she dies I will cry and cry, but not directly "I love you" though I sign my emails love because she does.

When she said "I love you, rainbow" in a session a couple of months ago, I kind of panicked. She means a generic kind of love, not romantic, but it's scary. Yes, there's a lot to lose when "love" is expressed, but there's so much to be gained! A famous quote whose author I forgot is "Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all."

This all came about because I had a dream where he was dying (that's when I said I cared about him in my dream) and he reassured me yestetday that as far as he knows he is in good health and he has no plans to retire. He also said if his plans changed about retirement he would let me know way in advance. When he was reassuring me I realised I wasn't really scared of that, and it seemed like those fears came from an irrational place, probably a very young place.
I wouldn't change having had this relationship, even if I have to say goodbye to it one day. He's been the most reliable and consistent person I have ever had in my life, and that has been so important for me.

[LonesomeTonight]

Originally Posted by Echos Myron

Yes! Expressing it totally makes it more real! As long as it's in my head I can pretend it's not true. Definitely a defence against abandonment, probably from childhood. I've been following your posts on Dear T, I know you're going through similar stuff; it seems like you're much braver at expressing this stuff than me though!

You could say braver--or just stupid, because if I hadn't send it, I wouldn't be nervously glancing at my inbox every few minutes. (Well, I check my e-mail all the time anyway, but I'm much more anxious about it than usual.) Like what if he doesn't write back? Or if he's just like, "Thanks"? I mean, if he says something like, "I'm glad you feel comfortable saying that to me and I appreciate you sharing. Well done." (which is like something he'd say), I'd maybe be OK with it. Not sure if this makes sense, but I want him to respond as himself, not as "psychologist." Like what he thinks, not what he's supposed to say (like, "I have love for all of my clients," or some BS like that!) Though honestly, a lack of response at all would worse for me, because then I'm projecting all kinds of stuff onto what he's thinking. Like, "Oh, God, now I have to deal with this again," even though that's most likely not his reaction.

OK, I'll stop hijacking your thread now!

[junkDNA]

When I told my T I love him I was so nervous. I had to do it thru a text bc I couldn't say it out loud. I was so afraid it was wrong and bad. He totally got it though. And responded so kindly. I've never told him in person. Actually that was the only time I mentioned it. He references my caring about him sometimes. Bc of what happened w my former T , admitting my care and love for my current T put me in such a vulnerable position. I felt I trusted T though. It helped me so much as well when he told me he felt parental transference for his T when he was in his own long term therapy.

I was wondering if you might be trying to push these feelings away bc of what turned out with your former T? Are you maybe afraid it will not be healing and/or healthy? I read your other T did not handle your feelings well and it put you in a lot of distress. Just a thought

Sent from my SM-G900V using Tapatalk

No worries Lonesome! I'm always happy to lend an ear

Originally Posted by junkDNA

When I told my T I love him I was so nervous. I had to do it thru a text bc I couldn't say it out loud. I was so afraid it was wrong and bad. He totally got it though. And responded so kindly. I've never told him in person. Actually that was the only time I mentioned it. He references my caring about him sometimes. Bc of what happened w my former T , admitting my care and love for my current T put me in such a vulnerable position. I felt I trusted T though. It helped me so much as well when he told me he felt parental transference for his T when he was in his own long term therapy.

It's incredibly brave of you to allow yourself to be vulnerable after everything you went through with your former therapist. Thanks for sharing that

Originally Posted by junkDNA

I was wondering if you might be trying to push these feelings away bc of what turned out with your former T? Are you maybe afraid it will not be healing and/or healthy? I read your other T did not handle your feelings well and it put you in a lot of distress. Just a thought

Sent from my SM-G900V using Tapatalk

Yes I think it's related; the felt rejection from him was very painful and the thing I feared most was T being freaked out by the question and not wanting to answer (just like T1 did) but I think it also comes from having a mother who was emotionally rejecting. That's at the core of it and probably why T1's rejection hurt so much.

Your t is amazing Echos and you are too for sharing and being vulnerable. I am very glad that you have this experience after having such a negative experience with t1. It must be nice to feel that warmth and support from your t sand I hope you can eventually tell him you really care about him when the time is right for you

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk