Friday session and why do I need him so badly?

I had a session today. Well, technically it was yesterday since I'm wide awake at 2:48 am.

I told him how much it blew me away that he quoted the poem. How the connection was like electric to me. Said that I analyzed what he said to the worst case scenario like I always do, and figured that maybe he was talking about just feeling my connection to him... that he wasn't experiencing a connection, too. He said, "Do you really think that it was just a one-way thing?" At least now I know it wasn't.

Then I told him that I have decided he is leaving in 6 months to a year. This came up because as the attachment grows, so does my fear of abandonment. So I decided that he is definitely going to leave... he just hasn't mentioned it yet because it's kinda far into the future.... but it's coming. He said that he wasn't going anywhere, not in 6 months, not in a year. I said fine, but I'd check back in a couple of months in case it's really a year and a half.

Then... I told him the worst part about him disclosing that emotion was that I liked it too much and that I was afraid that he would never do anything like "that" again. He said, "Do you really think I'd do something like that and then never do it again?" I hate when he asks those questions. I can't argue that. He asked me if it felt new since last week. It does. It really does feel new.

He asked if I had any dreams lately that were worth mentioning. I told him about one I had on Monday night in which I was driving a red sports car and got pulled over. Suddenly, Chase Utley (baseball player on the Phillies) appeared in the car and I %#@&#! him. Then, just as suddenly, I was back home with my husband and a baby. I wanted to change the baby's diaper, but all that was left was an apron with big splotches on it. I left to go to the store to get diapers... and then the dream was over... We talked some about the obvious dichotomy in the dream; the significance of the red sports car.

He said we only a couple minutes left in the session, and that he wanted to read me something that he had from last week. He asks me if I know of a particular psychoanalyst (forgot his name, but I have it written down), and I said no. He tells me that he thinks that this particular analyst has done a lot of work that would really resonate with me based on the stuff I'm into. He had come across a passage written by the analyst. Then he proceeds to read the passage, which he had written down, because he thought it was something that would be meaningful to me. So he starts reading it, and of course I'm melting and dying. I honestly had no idea what the %#@&#! he read. I was just so overtaken by the idea that he had picked out something that would be meaningful for me (I'm melting as I write this)... that he actually thought of me outside of the session... and that he just really, really 'gets' me. And as he's reading it, I'm overwhelmed, but I'm just comfortable... enjoying his voice. Sort of pretending it was a bedtime story... I wanted to curl up in the chair and close my eyes as he read to me. He could have read the same passage over and over again for all I cared. It was just so very safe. After he read it he asked me what I thought, and explained why he thought it would be meaningful to me. I told him that a lot of times, this time in particular, I miss out on the content in therapy because I get lost in the process. And this was definitely one of those times. He said that was okay-- that so many times content can settle in my unconscious and it will come back later. Then he read it again, and I swear I tried to pay attention, but I got lost in the moment. I asked him if I could have a copy next Friday; he said yes. Then he said, "Did I do something new again?" I said yes. Definitely new. And he said, "Do you still think I'll never do anything like 'that' again?" I'm starting to think different... Then I got up to leave and he said, "Be careful of those red sports cars..." And I said, "No kidding... I'm not watching the Phillies this weekend, either." Laughter. Then exit.

And of course.... funny therapy moment of the week:

I was trying to describe my feelings about last week's session. I was a bit nervous, and didn't feel like repeating word-for-word, what he had said in his disclosure. So brilliant me goes, "Well... you know last week, when you disclosed your thing?"

disclosed your thing?

What's wrong with me?

So he starts laughing and goes, "Disclosed my thing? Sorry, but.... " and keeps laughing.

I have such a way with words.

I seriously feel like I am going to die before next Friday gets here. Why why why do I have to need him so much? And why why why does he keep doing these amazing things which only make me need him more? Therapy causes the most %#@&#! up emotions. I mean consider it... I need him so badly. And he is fulfilling those needs in every way that he can (or at least every way that is appropriate). In turn, I come to need him more at which I hurt more. So..... when does this %#@&#! help? When I can internalize it and feel taken care of outside of session? Right now it's still zero object constancy. The sessions are like a fix for my usual empty, disconnected feeling. I DO NOT want to call him this week. I just don't see how I can get through it. Unbelievable. Almost two years with him and it hurts right now more than it ever has. Because I am more attached than I ever have been. I wish the hurt and the pain would go away so that I could just enjoy the connectedness. But unfortunately I leave it at the door when I go.

I lurk here a lot and don't post much but I really wanted to ask you a question...Have you been reading my journal?!

Your therapy experience sounds very much like mine. I know that longing, and that deep connection that feels like a life line and yet so fragile that you are almost afraid to pull at it at all. And since you are "in the business" there is that intellectual understanding of the process that in no way helps it hurt less. For me, it makes me think I "shouldn't" struggle with it and against it so much. I've been in therapy for 4 years. The need for my therapist and allowing myself to believe he won't abandon me is still huge. We talk about "therapist-constancy" (object constancy) a great deal. He tells me it would be easier if I'd just let myself have the connection without the worry but he understands that I just can't do that for any length of time.

I also wanted to say that I really appreciated your explanation on the other thread related to this post. The idea of a therapist letting a client know they are special can be very healing. I've had this conversation more than once, about wanting to be special. My therapist says, "of course you're special to me. We work very deeply on very intimate issues. How can that not effect me as well?" I loved that. And then of course I worried that I effected him too much.

Therapy is hard work. It really sounds to me like you are having a wonderful, intense, painful and ultimately life-changing experience with it. Your future clients are very lucky.

MsLittleSister, what an amazing post! That is the first time I have seen you post here and I really hope that it's not the last.

Regarding what you said about your therapist saying, "of course you're special to me. We work very deeply on very intimate issues. How can that not effect me as well?"
Well, that is beautiful. It is exactly what I was trying to get at. You know, you spend x amount of time which this person each week. If allowed, it can be the most unique and intimate relationship on so many levels. I mean, how can it not be? Thanks for posting. I look forward to seeing more of your posts.

Here, you can have your journal back now.

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pinksoil said:
Said that I analyzed what he said to the worst case scenario like I always do, and figured that maybe he was talking about just feeling my connection to him... that he wasn't experiencing a connection, too. He said, "Do you really think that it was just a one-way thing?"

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I am so glad you asked this and got the reassurance from him. Of course, you knew you had affected him too and that it was a two-way connection, but then we leave that special room, that special space where we have the special relationship with our therapist and we begin to doubt everything.

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He asked if I had any dreams lately that were worth mentioning.

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OMG, I love that he asked this! He is totally a T after my own heart. I haven't shared dreams for ages in therapy and I miss it. It is such a great way to connect and say stuff that is hard to spit out directly.

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And as he's reading it, I'm overwhelmed, but I'm just comfortable... enjoying his voice. Sort of pretending it was a bedtime story... I wanted to curl up in the chair and close my eyes as he read to me. He could have read the same passage over and over again for all I cared. It was just so very safe. After he read it he asked me what I thought, and explained why he thought it would be meaningful to me. I told him that a lot of times, this time in particular, I miss out on the content in therapy because I get lost in the process. And this was definitely one of those times.

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This is so totally me, pinksoil. Been there, done that. Love it. Hey, have you been reading my journal too?

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"Well... you know last week, when you disclosed your thing?"

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Why why why do I have to need him so much? The sessions are like a fix....

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"Fix" is a good descriptor. I often feel that way too. Like my T and therapy are a drug and I am addicted. pinksoil, you are getting something from your T that you are getting from no one else in your life right now and have never gotten before. Revel in it.

Great session.

Pinksoil,

Okay. That's it. Call the journal police. You've been reading mine as well.

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Sort of pretending it was a bedtime story... I wanted to curl up in the chair and close my eyes as he read to me

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When my T was away, in addition to the poetry I posted, I wrote him a number of letters. In one I said that I wished I could curl up on his couch and have him read me a story, like it should have been way back when.....(Of course I have not shared these letters, but I'm thinking about it now that I have a brave role model in you.)

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disclosed your thing?

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HAHAHAHAHAHA This is too precious.

Seriously, Pink, your therapeutic relationship is beautiful, just simply beautiful.

That's why you need him, because it's beautiful, it's genuine, he cares enough to do those "amazing things."

Thanks everyone. I'd like to tell T about the bedtime story thing. I think it's important for him to know where the heck I went to while he was reading.

Incidentally, I was able to remember the particular psychoanalyst he was talking about. Of course I ordered the book today.

I wish that it would arrive tomorrow because I know it would sort of help me to stay connected. I checked the book stores around the city yesterday, but no one carries it. I think I'll go back to my Nancy McWilliams book. That should help.

I hope I don't feel very depressed this week. Besides for the obvious reasons as to why, it is also the time in which i need to call T more than ever. If I am not very depressed then I can keep myself busy and hold out til the session. When I am depressed, although I'm technically still busy, I am just going through the motions, unfocused, feeling like there is no possible way I can hold out until the session without talking to him.

Every week I grow more attached the than the last. Every eweek the connection grows stronger. Therefore, every week is the week that it hurts the most. .

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Every week I grow more attached the than the last. Every eweek the connection grows stronger. Therefore, every week is the week that it hurts the most. .

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... and that every week is one to look forward to because the connection grows

If you wish, would you share the book/analyst you talk about here?

You shold tell him about the bedtime story fantacy? ....Does that mean I should tell my T that sometimes I drift off to a place where I am a litle tiny gir about 2 or 3 and I toddle up to her where she is sitting, sucking my fingers as I used to, and just lay my head on her lap contentedly and watch her and listen to her for... ever

I can't help it. It happens. She asks where I go. But I can't tell her.