Therapist not replying to emails

For 6 months I have been seeing a male therapist. He gave me his personal work email after a few sessions. He told me if I ever feel anxious etc to email him. I did once and replied the next day. I only see him once or twice a month because I pay for treatment, all I can afford.

The past month or two I feel quite anxious over a number of things. I emailed him twice and no response. I don't expect an immediate response. His secretary has health problems and works from home. I go to my session a week later He said without an assistant in office he's behind on all his work. A new assistant would be starting in a few days and he will be able to respond

Guess what. I emailed him a few days after the assistant started. No response. Two days later I resent the email. He responded later to say he read it and would reply later when he had more time. Three days now and no response.

In six months I've emailed him four times. One response only. I understand he's busy but I feel frustrated. I dont expect an immediate response. My anxiety is bad due to several turmoils in my life right now.

Anyone else experience similar with you're therapist? What did you do?

I could not cope with that, I have enough problems waiting over 12 hours. Actually sometimes even that is too much. Constant checking etc. He shouldn't offer something he can't commit to. Hope you find a way. Definitely talk to him about this again but I also guess that you probably don't want to waste the little time you do have when you see him talking about things that he should be doing if he told you to email. Sounds hard.

I email my therapist all kinds of things but he never emails back. We will talk about the emails in sessions sometimes. I send him links, love notes, all kinds of stuff as a vent for myself between sessions.

He is good at returning phone calls, though. Very good.

Sorry you are so frustrated. Sounds like you need to talk to him about it some more.

Good luck.

I can understand where this would be frustrating. Is e-mail maybe not his thing? Would he rather return a phone call or send a text maybe? Or I wonder, since you only see him monthly, if he's more reluctant to respond frequently? Another thought is would you be OK with him just responding with, "I read this, let's discuss next session"? I'd talk to him about what's a reasonable expectation.

I'm sorry. I would definitely bring it up and wonder why he offered if he didn't think he could follow through. My own T will answer emails with one or two words, for the most part. And then we talk about it in session. I would be disappointed in not having that outlet, and the lack of response would be hugely triggering for me.

Is it possible he is really bad with emailing? My therapist is a terrible emailer. I use it for my own purposes, and almost never ask for a reply, but I know he's probably got a heap of unanswered emails he feels really guilty about. I don't mind this, as I'm the same. But I could totally see the potential for it to seem really hurtful.

Is it possible to ring him? That might be easier for both of you.

Try calling instead of emailing.

Most of the time, my T replies within 1 or 2 work days. Sometimes he doesn't and it's sort of okay when I know that he's busy. But when he doesn't respond all of a sudden after a period of quick replies, it's very triggering for me. I tend to email him again to let him know that I really need a response (and sometimes mention that I feel ignored). Rationally, I know why he doesn't reply and I can understand it, but emotionally it's a whole different ball game.

I can understand why you're frustrated and I'd discuss this with your T on your next appointment. Tell him how it affects you. And ask him to be honest in what he can and can't offer regarding in between sessions.

I have this problem with therapist. He sometimes answers sometimes not.he says he answers the ones that he thinks is needed. Sometimes he says he didnt see my massage. Sometimes he says he wanted to answer later. Im frustrated because each time I dont know which one is the case... is he going to answer or not...

I used to have this problem with T a few years ago when she said I could email her. I had such huge anxiety waiting for her reply, checking my email 50 times a day...one session she told me to email if I needed to and she would definitely respond. She didn't. I arrived in tears for the next session as I was so gutted. Thankfully she apologised and recognised what a big deal it was for me. She then made a promise that she would always reply, even if just to say that she didn't have the time yet but would reply the next day/over the weekend etc. She has also told me that if I haven't heard from her within 2 days of emailing to resend it and check that she got it. She has kept her word and I am no longer anxious.

So I do think you need to discuss with him how the uncertainty around his replies makes you feel and maybe you can then readjust the expectations together. Sometimes just knowing someone has read the email can be helpful, even if it's just a one line response to let you know that. I hope you manage to figure it out.

Thanks everyone. I feel as though he should reply "I read it perhaps we should discuss it our next session." Or If he replies read and will reply later to follow through. People forget because their busy etc. If he forgets every so often Its ok. But this has been several times. He has a computer and smartphone. He also bad with paperwork. I have to remind him I need forms filled out.

I find it triggering because I've experienced a lot of emotional abandonment from family etc. I feel anxious because of an upcoming doctors appointment this week and was hoping he would reply to my email.

I emailed him today an hour and half before his first appointment. I resent the email and told him I'm feeling really anxious about my doctor appointment later this week and wanted his input. I understand you are busy. If you are unable to discuss this via email please let me know. No response so far.

Does he work out of an office? If so, he may have been commuting there for part of that time. And may have had other calls/e-mails to return or paperwork to get through. Hopefully he'll respond later today.

He works out of an office. True he may have been commuting. I hope he replies today or tomorrow at latest.

Seems to me the main thing is to establish expectations and ground rules around email. Once that is set, the T needs to be consistent and predictable.

Regardless, allowing a client's email to go unanswered for days is not ok in my book. It's a sure fire abandonment trigger for certain people. The silence, for me, also carried implicit messages of shaming or admonishing. I also don't like the way clients are made to feel guilty for this, and the way some Ts act like even a short reply is a terrible hardship for them.

Why do you need this t's input regarding a medical appt? Why not call the med Dr's nurse, or ask somebody here? Some of what we learn in t is simply how to get our needs met. Perhaps he doesn't want to develop a dependency where one doesn't exist.

He hasn't responded to my email. He is booked and I'm not able to see him for another few weeks. If he felt he couldn't respond why not say it's best we discuss this matter in person. He told me last week (email) he read my email and will respond later when he has time to write. That was 5 days ago he said that.

I plan on asking him what his ground rules, expectations are with email.

Unaluna, the matter is not a medical issue I want to discuss with him. I have anxiety when I see doctors due to a few past bad experiences. I was emailing him for his input because I have an appointment this week, feel anxious. He told me when I started therapy six months ago, to email him if I feel anxious or upset.

Is it possible to look for another T? It doesn't sound like he has much availability and isn't meeting your needs in terms of outside contact.

That must be so frustrating and like others I wouldn't be able to tolerate that. My T is also very bad at emailing and most of the turn she will not respond. I could be wrong but my experience has been that our expectations of our T sometimes conflict with what they have established as a therpeutic relationship. When a T gives you the okay to email I don't think they understand what it's like to be on the other side waiting for a response. I know that some of us grow more attached to our Ts than others but I guess the expectations should be outlined from the beginning so that there's no confusion. A T Taft gives the ok to email and doesn't have the time to respond for whatever reason then has either bad time managament is had a heavy load of clients which both are unacceptable especially when someone is seeking help and direction. I would bring your concerns to the next session. Wish you the best.

He hasn't responded. I know he has many clients. Another thing he yawns a lot during my sessions. I'm guessing he's tired

I see him next week. I plan on asking his email protocols.

Update. I saw T a few days ago. I mentioned I had emailed him because I was really anxious and was hoping for a reply, that I asked for a reply in the emails. He said I've been busy and yes I read a few. That's why when a cancellation came up I asked my secretary to contact you. My appointment was originally tomorrow. I asked what his rules are with emails. He doesn't have any. T said I'm glad you write please reply in the subject line so I know.

The thing is he doesn't reply. I don't know why he can't reply and say I'll squeeze you in if a a cancellation comes up, let's discuss this matter in person, or at your next appointment.

He replied to one email mentioning he read it, will respond when he has more time, never did. . I understand he may not be able to reply all the time.

Thoughts?

Sounds like he just sucks at replying to e-mails. Some people are just like that. I think if it had anything to do with you, or if there were anything you could do about it, he would have outlined some general guidelines ("rules"). The "put 'reply' in the subject line" guideline would be helpful, except some people don't follow their own guidelines. It can be very frustrating. In my experience, the only thing you can do when someone else just sucks at something and it's beyond your ability to control or influence is either accept that they suck or find someone else.

My T, for instance, is constitutionally incapable of being on time. He's late, we talk about it, he apologizes, he's late again. I get angry about it, he apologizes, he's late again. I get depressed about it, he apologizes, then he's late again. The man could not be on time to save his life. It's just something he sucks at. But I don't want to find a new T, so I deal with it and don't even mention it anymore.

So, if e-mail is something you need from a T, you'd probably be best off looking for a new one. Whatever you decide to do, I wish you the best of luck.

Agreed--I get the sense he has good intentions, that he might think he'll respond to e-mails, but then gets involved in other things, etc. I'll admit I can be kind of like that, too. If e-mail is important to you, then you may need to consider finding someone else. Is he OK with out-of-session phone calls? Maybe he's just not an e-mail person, and it would be better to leave him voice mail if you're stressed. Or does he text? For example, I've learned my marriage counselor looks at his phone much more often than his e-mail, so if it's semi-urgent, I'll text him. And if I want a response from T if it's during the days she's off, text is more likely to get a response. But if it's a day she's in the office, e-mail is better.

You don't happen to see my marriage counselor by any chance, do you?

I see nothing in what you are describing that indicates he cares or gets it at all. People can be flaky about emails. But a therapist should not be flaky about anything. You are paying them to be responsive and professional, and to be consistent and predictable. Being busy is not an answer, it's an excuse. He needs to make clear his policy on email and then stick to it. And his policy should be driven by what is best for the clients, not by his schedule and obligations. He sounds like an idiot.

Yeah, my therapist also sucks at emails. In the beginning I didn't realize this and we wound up having a problem because he didn't reply to a scheduling email. Now that I've realized how much he sucks at it, I still feel totally free to use email but I just don't expect a reply. I think he's a great therapist, so I've just adapted to this flaw. But he is very responsive with phone calls- if I need to talk to him, he rings me back every time.

But maybe there are more problems with this setup than just emails? It sounds like you see him infrequently - is he very busy? Would you prefer to see someone with more availability? It sounds like you would find someone more consistent a lot less stressful.