[Petra5ed]

He would deny it but clearly he is. Despite me asking twice to get him to stop mentioning certain topics, he will just open a session with whatever it was I asked him not to talk about, then act like it was an accident. I had a breakdown yesterday, after such a session opener, then pleaded for him to see me later this week, and he just said "no Petra" and that I should just "think about it." Like I'm a bad child or something. I'm supposed to think about it, but I asked over and over think about what, and I'm not going to get an answer to that. He says I am obsessing, and I begged him to help me. I was already feeling pathetic, and now I feel humiliated. I guess I cried too much yesterday and that stressed him out. Maybe this is empathy fatigue on his part. Now, to make this self-pitying rant a question, how do I walk away gracefully from this? He suggests I see someone else, almost every session, then denies he doesn't want to see me anymore when I ask. It's clear he doesn't want to see me anymore. I hate that I cant be normal and just leave when I'm not wanted. I am seriously f*$&$&$( right now.

[Bill3]

I don't know what to say or do about a t who is so "forgetful" and inattentive, seems so disingenuous, and is so willing to suggest seeing someone else.

I'm really sorry that you have to deal with this.



(((((Petra5ed)))))

[A18793715]

Originally Posted by Petra5ed

He would deny it but clearly he is. Despite me asking twice to get him to stop mentioning certain topics, he will just open a session with whatever it was I asked him not to talk about, then act like it was an accident. I had a breakdown yesterday, after such a session opener, then pleaded for him to see me later this week, and he just said "no Petra" and that I should just "think about it." Like I'm a bad child or something. I'm supposed to think about it, but I asked over and over think about what, and I'm not going to get an answer to that. He says I am obsessing, and I begged him to help me. I was already feeling pathetic, and now I feel humiliated. I guess I cried too much yesterday and that stressed him out. Maybe this is empathy fatigue on his part. Now, to make this self-pitying rant a question, how do I walk away gracefully from this? He suggests I see someone else, almost every session, then denies he doesn't want to see me anymore when I ask. It's clear he doesn't want to see me anymore. I hate that I cant be normal and just leave when I'm not wanted. I am seriously f*$&$&$( right now.

I honestly would get a new t. T's shouldn't make you feel this way.

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[ilikecats]

I agree that you should get a new T. Are you attached to this T? Is that why you haven't left him yet?

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[Petra5ed]

Originally Posted by ilikecats

I agree that you should get a new T. Are you attached to this T? Is that why you haven't left him yet?

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I am attached to him and I have a lot of issues around attachment, closeness, abandonment. And, he denies not wanting to see me, he says that it's all in my head, that I'm doing this to myself, I am creating some kind of pattern. But, why suggest every session that I find another therapist? That is anxiety provoking. And when I tell him in response I'm worried he doesn't want to see me anymore because he keeps doing this stuff, he will just go at it even harder... "well if I'm creating all this anxiety, maybe you really should see someone else!"

[Bill3]

Right now he is making you relive abandonment all over again. He is proving to you, again, that attachment and closeness mean that bad things happen to you.

Have you tried to leave him before? What has it been like for you when you have left a therapist?

[Petra5ed]

Originally Posted by Bill3

Right now he is making you relive abandonment all over again. He is proving to you, again, that attachment and closeness mean that bad things happen to you.

Have you tried to leave him before? What has it been like for you when you have left a therapist?

Bill - I've not wanted to leave this therapist and so haven't tried. I had past therapists I didn't see as much and never attached to, so leaving wasn't a big issue. I have never left an attachment like this though, in my life, out of choice.

I have a lot of abandonment trauma, with my own dad, my mom, and then with an almost step parent who after living with me for a few years as a kid, dumped my mom and never even said goodbye to me.

I agree that I am reliving abandonment feelings. He says I want more than he can possibly give me as a therapist, and I admit to him that is true. But that will always be true of a therapist I have attached to, considering it's become very clear I am still in search of a parent figure even though I am now an adult and a parent myself.

It seemed to me that I am doing real therapy now, I went in yesterday and cried about the pain of my step dad and how he left. I talked about my longing and my pain related to my therapist, and I thought, made it clear I knew it was coming from my childhood issues.

Anyways, I am presenting all my grievances here, but in four years he has been a great therapist. I am not one to throw in the towel quickly, my life has been improving a lot, but then I have these major backslides into depressed thought, like this one. Recently I have been having stretches too where I am not so obsessed, but then it comes back with a vengeance.

[Bill3]

This whole situation, then, is brand new ground for you and exceedingly painful in view of the abandonments of the past.

(((((Petra5ed)))))

I'm sorry for the great pain.

He says I want more than he can possibly give me as a therapist

Yes, but this comes with the territory of being a therapist. It happens and he knows that it happens. It seems to me that it is his job to stay, to manage the situation, and to help you through--not to repeatedly suggest that you go elsewhere.

[Petra5ed]

Originally Posted by Bill3

This whole situation, then, is brand new ground for you and exceedingly painful in view of the abandonments of the past.

(((((Petra5ed)))))

I'm sorry for the great pain.

Yes, but this comes with the territory of being a therapist. It happens and he knows that it happens. It seems to me that it is his job to stay, to manage the situation, and to help you through--not to repeatedly suggest that you go elsewhere.

Thanks for showing your understanding Bill, it means a lot to me. I agree that it comes with the territory of being a therapist, and certainly being a therapist to someone like me. I have wanted more than people could give my whole life, from teachers, friends parents, etc, because I keep expecting someone to love me unconditionally which is of course, futile.

My therapist is a good person. He could easily take advantage of me. I feel bad that I am this needy, and I'm ready to change finally.

I agree with everything Bill has said Petra. I just wanted to give you some hugs because this sounds both punishing and painful ((((hug))))
I don't want to tell you what to do or how to do it but I wanted to repeat some if the words you used in your original post...bad child, obsessing, feeling pathetic, humiliated, cried too much, stressed, I am not wanted.
I don't see any support here from your t, and it is very hard to hear these words in relation to you and your therapy, it doesn't actually sound very therApuetic. It sounds anti- therApuetic and stress inducing, if this is why you go to therapy then fair play but if it's not please consider what affect this is having in you (hug)

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[Petra5ed]

Originally Posted by monalisasmile

I agree with everything Bill has said Petra. I just wanted to give you some hugs because this sounds both punishing and painful ((((hug))))
I don't want to tell you what to do or how to do it but I wanted to repeat some if the words you used in your original post...bad child, obsessing, feeling pathetic, humiliated, cried too much, stressed, I am not wanted.
I don't see any support here from your t, and it is very hard to hear these words in relation to you and your therapy, it doesn't actually sound very therApuetic. It sounds anti- therApuetic and stress inducing, if this is why you go to therapy then fair play but if it's not please consider what affect this is having in you (hug)

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I don't think he means to be punishing and a cause of pain, at least not consciously. He still wont see me again until next week, but he did a call with me this morning after I literally pleaded with him. I was confused he wasn't firing me. He keeps sounding like he is, saying he has a job to refer me if I'm not happy.

It's like I cant win, if I open up about my feelings I'm not happy I'm seen as trying to cross boundaries, and I need a new therapist, if I don't talk about my feelings I'm being resistant and need a new therapist. It helped, a lot, just that he talked to me again. After his recent replies I feel like he hates me when he's not in front of me, it is confusing, I need a lot of reassurance. I think I've worn him down, he keeps saying he's told me he cares about me, and he's done all he can. But when I keep asking for reassurance and he's like I already did that part, it doesn't really help, it makes it worse. A part of me is angry, I have almost never pleaded with him to have a session with me, well never... I have so much to say, but I'm not allowed to see him.

I don't think he knows what to do with me. I am trying to tell him what I need but I think it comes off like I am trying to control him and the process. Of course during the phone call he probably suggested another therapist 10 times. I kept telling him how anxiety provoking that was. He said I am treating him like a drug and like I'm a drug addict.

[Bill3]

He said I am treating him like a drug and like I'm a drug addict.

Oh Petra5ed, this sounds like such an upsetting comment to hear from a therapist of all people.

(((((Petra5ed)))))

[Bipolar Warrior]

I'm sorry you're having such a hard time, Petra. I know how difficult attachment can be, because I am so attached to my own therapist (the university one). I have tried to leave several times out of desperation because it has been too much, and I came very close a couple of weeks ago, but I went back and we worked it out. However, she listens to me, she doesn't suggest that I see someone else, she always tries to understand me and mostly succeeds, and is generally very warm and loving. As someone who has been emotionally shut down for most of my life, her unconditional love has been more therapeutic and healing for me than anything else. I think you deserve something like that as well, and it sounds like you need it. You won't heal those wounds with this therapist, by the sounds of it, and perhaps that means you need to move on. He has helped you as far as he is willing to go, and that's okay.

I understand that it can seem almost impossible to let go, though. It has been a very important relationship for you. I just think you deserve to find what you are looking for.

[Bipolar Warrior]

Originally Posted by Petra5ed

I kept telling him how anxiety provoking that was. He said I am treating him like a drug and like I'm a drug addict.

Oh no. That's a horrible thing to say. So demeaning. Unacceptable, quite frankly. I'm so sorry he's being such a wanker.

This sounds like a therapist that bailed on me a few years ago.

What I wanted from him was very simple:

1) To be able to express feelings to him. If they happened to be about him, and god forbid anything except glowing, I wanted him to listen without defensiveness or judgment. I didn't want validation or agreement - just to feel heard.

2) To be allowed to be depressed and miserable. Who was he to judge how much improvement was acceptable vs not acceptable? I kept coming for a reason - clearly, I was getting some benefit out of it. And who knows how low I would have become otherwise?

3) To not get dumped. He showed up, I showed up. For as long as necessary.

He didn't seem to understand what I needed, and things got hurtful really fast. It ultimately led to walking out and not coming back when he threatened termination.

I wish for better for you, Petra5ed. There's a sea of other good therapists out there - please trust me when I say this.

In my own experience the more therapists push me away and try to terminate or refer the more I desperately cling on to them. Kinda like what bipolar warrior is saying, that when you find a therapist that will provide you with unconditional love and not push you away, that's when you will begin to heal and feel secure and ready to leave yourself.
There is something in your posts about your therapist and his own issues. Has he done his own therapy because it appears he isn't seeing how his counter transference is affecting your therapy. He perceives you as trying to control him and treating him like a drug, that's really interesting that he is feeling this but what you are describing is very different. You are aching for connection and reassurance, you want to be actively involved in your treatment and he is disempowering and infantilising you. I hope you can see that you deserve to be treated with dignity and respect (hug)

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I am attached to him and I have a lot of issues around attachment, closeness, abandonment. And, he denies not wanting to see me, he says that it's all in my head, that I'm doing this to myself, I am creating some kind of pattern. But, why suggest every session that I find another therapist? That is anxiety provoking. And when I tell him in response I'm worried he doesn't want to see me anymore because he keeps doing this stuff, he will just go at it even harder... "well if I'm creating all this anxiety, maybe you really should see someone else!"

This is similar to what I've been going through for months now, although maybe it started differently than how it did with you.

He doesn't directly tell me to find a new therapist, but he indirectly talks about it often. When we talk about how his distancing himself from me, never saying anything positive about me, and never expressing any feelings of affection or fondness for makes me feel, he tells me I have the choice to find another therapist. He has also recently said that if he felt the way i did from therapy, he'd go find someone else.

This has been extremely triggering to me and has made me so insecure, which in turns creates much attachment anxiety and fear, constantly feeling like he hates me and wants to get rid of me. Which in turn, leads to him doing it more.

This has been going on for months. I've tried to quit several times. Now i am closer to quitting then I've ever been. It might be soon. Previous attempts lead to feelings of going to die. It feels so traumatic to me, and even just thinking about quitting provokes really bad suicidal thoughts. Ironically, it would be so much easier to quit if he never brought up quitting in the first place.

What i wanted to tell you is that sometimes i wonder if the behavior is to provoke anger to 'work through'. At the time when things started getting worse, he's said we have to work through my anger (which manifests as depression according to him), and he likes to point out how angry i am now. So i wonder if it's done on purpose. If it is, it sure isn't effective, it's ruined our relationship. I mean, i feel horrible all week because of this, only to talk about how bad i feel for an hour each week? It's ridiculous.

I've always felt positive about therapy, but this last experience as led me to feel immense regret about going into therapy again. Things weren't like this the first couple of years, and certainly not with past therapists. Now, i am worse then i was when i started. After going through this for the past 6 months or so, my self worth is at an all time low, affecting my work and social life, and my health has been declining. It feels he is slowly abandoning me. It feels like when he got to know me, he decided there is nothing good about me as he never tells me anything positive and has since distanced himself from me. It feels like he set up the therapy to draw out these intense attachment feelings, only to cruelly neglect and reject me over and over. Why encourage my attachment feelings, only to withhold any sense of relational support from me? Only to have me suffer 24/7 and talk about how painful it is?

Another thought is that maybe he got sick of me, or feels ineffective or overwhelmed, or other feelings and wishes i would quit. I've read that therapists experiencing 'unrequited love' from clients can feel a lot of distress over it. I really wish he'd just tell me if this is the case. But he doesn't,and I ask directly. He denies it and says if he didn't want to work with me, he'd just say so. But i know he probably doesn't want to deal with forcefully ending with me, such as-what if i did kill myself if he ended it? He also blames it on 'transference'. I don't care what you call it, but i am not demanding he 'take care of my needs', i only ask for normal humanness one would experience in a relationship with another human being, especially one who is supposed to be helping me.

I don't understand it either. It seems to have permanently ruined our relationship. I don't know if the 2 other alternatives i added here helps, but maybe it's something to think about.

I hope it goes differently for you.

[Petra5ed]

I feel so sick from all of this I can't function, he won't see me again for a week, and I can't call or text about it because he's told me so many times he's busy with his life that I feel bad texting him. But I am sick. I am just dying.

[Bill3]

Petra5ed, my heart goes out to you.



what if you tried to find another therapist for the specific purpose of speaking about everything you are experiencing because of the first therapist?

[Petra5ed]

Originally Posted by Bill3

Petra5ed, my heart goes out to you.



what if you tried to find another therapist for the specific purpose of speaking about everything you are experiencing because of the first therapist?

Lol, good idea, I did that exact thing about a month ago, so I get to vent on a new therapist. And thanks Bill. I actually feel much better. I think I can see things much clearer now, and I am less sad. Those feelings were like an emotional flashback from Hell and it's finally going away, yay!!

[Bill3]

Yay!! I am so happy to hear that you are feeling much better and seeing more clearly!