Intense and eventful session

So I finally worked up the courage to ask my T for a hug. We had an in depth discussion about it but I didn't get a hug. I kind of expected that but I'm still disappointed. I'm still not sure how I feel about the whole thing. I think I'm a bit angry but I don't know.

I also told my T about my SH . We spoke a lot about that and things got kind of overwhelming for a bit and everything except for T went kind of fuzzy.

We then somehow got back to me feeling disappointed when my needs aren't met and I said usually I will just abandon the relationship in hopes that the other person will reach out to me. There was some more stuff I think but yeah... Still trying to process everything.

Glad you asked for a hug! Did t explain the reason for not giving a hug to you?

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Man do I understand that feeling of disappointment when my needs are not met. The adult parts know that it is not t's job but the young ones still long for it. And it makes me angry and I want to distance myself both to lessen/contain the hurt and in hopes that the person will come after me so that I will know they care. I wonder if I want "proof" because t1 won't/can't say that he cares/loves/whatever so I want him to show me?

Not exactly. When I asked for the hug I also said that I know she will probably say no because it is not appropriate. After we talked about why I need her to hug me/what it means for me etc. T agreed that it wouldn't be appropriate and asked me how I felt about that. I said I didn't know. T knew I didn't want to talk about it anymore and asked if I wanted to come back to it later and if I want to change the subject. I guess I will have to talk to her about this more next week.

Yes, T and talked a lot about me trying to contain my feelings. She said that is why I want a hug and also why I SH. I never made that connection before but it makes sense. T likened it to a jack-in-the-box because I try to stuff my feelings down but they spill out eventually and then I try to contain them again.

I'm so sorry you didn't get a hug

I have my own opinion on this, which is that not hugging long-term clients borders on cruel. I'm sure there are specific cases where hugging may be inappropriate, but it's such a basic, human expression of affection. I hug everyone - family, co-workers, clients, my children's friends, etc. It's just really strange to me that therapy, which is intimate by design, frowns on this in non-sexual situations.

Also, what the heck is there to discuss around wanting a hug? Clients want hugs because they want to be shown they are cared about by someone they care about. I rubs me the wrong way that therapists, upon basically rejecting the client, then expect the client to articulate this in agonizing detail. It demeans the whole thing and can be very shaming to someone that needed to work up the courage to ask in the first place.

Granted, I agree that it's not the therapist's responsibility to meet needs that a person didn't get in childhood. But hugging? Give me a break.

Excellent post- I agree on all counts.

I'm so sorry too that you didn't get a hug. I do say bravo though for asking!!

I very much agree with what has said above, by all. I am sorry you didn't get the hug you wanted or needed, but good for you for asking. I too think it is crazy to analyse such a basic human requirement or desire. I understand if the T themselves does not feel comfortable with it but I think it would be a lot to ask to ask someone to explore their 'feelings' around this instead of just saying it how it is. Do talk about it again though if that feels right for you to do. Hugs from me.

My T has just started giving me hugs, and I've been seeing her for 3+ years.

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I've read quite a bit online about hugs in therapy and I can understand both points of view. I still feel upset about it though and like T doesn't actually care about me. I wish I never brought it up, in fact, I almost wish I'd never met her. All of this is too hard. Intellectually I understand how psychodynamic therapy works but for me personally I just can't see myself ever feeling any better

I think reading on here about how some T's give hugs makes me feel worse about it. I never expected or particularly wanted a hug with previous T, because I just assumed it was an impossibility. Knowing it's possible makes me feel worse somehow, like I'm missing out on something. But my T understands me and cares for me in important ways, and for all I know I would *hate* some of the T's that do give hugs. :-)

Good on you for asking!

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I had a therapist who actually asked me if she could have a hug. It was our last session so that might be why. My current T has rather strict boundaries and doesn't allow me to email her between sessions unless it is for scheduling purposes. I thought I was over that but this no hug thing has brought up feelings about that too.

I have a strong urge to quit but I'm too attached to T to leave her . I don't like being angry at T and whenever I have unpleasant feelings towards someone I manage to turn them back onto myself which just fuels my existing self hatred.

I don't know if this helps, but my long term psychodynamic T did not hug for the longest time. It turns out that he wanted me to talk about it first, explore what it means. After a long time taking about it he said that if we talked about it first and i asked for the hug then in some circumstances it would be ok. I ended up occasionally getting hugs from him if I met those requirements.
Are there any circumstances in which your T would be ok with hugs? Can you ask her that?
Hugs are not necessarily inappropriate.
Early on I had a T who said something similar to your T. No touching or hugs turned out to be a deal breaker for me. If it is a deal breaker for you it's ok to look for other therapists. It's even ok to tell current T that it may be a deal breaker to you and see if she can refer you.

The use if touch in therapy certainly was a deal breaker for me. Not just hugs but generally, a touch of the hand etc.

I read what you said gowleycat and thought 'ouch', I know for me if my T implied or I thought I had to meet requirements to have touch then I would manipulate my situation to achieve those requirements. Maybe that wasn't what you meant but how I read it.

It is used spontaniousely or if I ask for it, and I know my T would prefer the latter and I think she would meet those needs if I asked. That is empowering for me, teaching me that if I ask then it is a way to get what I want from other people rather than just assuming that they don't want to be anywhere near me etc.

The spontaneity is also good because it is teaching me that I am not untouchable, that I am OK.

I understand what was said about hearing that others getting hugs makes it worse for some and I am so sorry for that. There was definitely a time that I felt that too, which was why I asked every T, specifically, what was their policy on the use of touch in therapy. The one I see was one of the only ones to say that she believed it has a very real and important place at times.

EDIT to add that I am posting about the use of it because when I was T searching I thought I was going mad looking for something that didn't exist and reading other people's experience of the use of touch in therapy was what kept me going on my search.

Oh, I just meant that my T wasn't closed off to hugs, he just wanted to make sure it was safe and appropriate

When his dad died I asked if I could give him a hug. He smiled teary eyed and refused because hugs in therapy need to be FOR the client's needs and not the therapist's He wasn't trying to get me to jump through hoops, he just wanted to keep things safe. That's way better than a T who refuses altogether.

Thanks Growlycat, that makes total sense to me and is definitely the approach I looked for. Sorry you are going through changing Ts.

Thank you everyone for the replies.
I just feel so sad and angry about this whole thing. I had just started feeling a bit better after about 3 weeks of being pretty severely depressed and now just like that I'm back to feeling terrible again.

Please tell your T this...

The first scenario would trigger a huge power struggle for me.

You wanted a hug, and instead of your therapist just giving it like a 'normal person' would, he made you do a) b) and c) and IF the stars aligned with jupiter you *might* have gotten one? Gosh you deserved more.

Agree that if hugs are important, it's worth a revisit. And perhaps looking around if it's a deal breaker.

Sorry If I triggered something for you. This is one of my personal therapy trigger points, and hopefully it's not contagious

I dont think it's personal with your therapist, if that's any consolation.

Usually when I'm angry with my therapist, it's anger at the fact that she follows therapist boundaries.. Which are reasonable for the profession but very withholding from a human side.

I'm not sure I could leave my T even she says she can never hug me. I'm just too attached to her now and I don't know how I would survive without her

Don't worry, you didn't trigger me; I think I was just already feeling triggered from my session. I hate the therapeutic relationship sometimes. It is so unnatural and weird.

Oh retro, I am so sorry this is tough for you. It will pass, everything does, though it sure is hard to see it when we are in the throws of it all. Sorry.

Thank you. I just want to lie in bed and hide under the covers forever. I don't want to do this anymore