[LittleMouse]

My heart is filled with a great sense of grief today as I begin the early termination phase of my therapy. I don't have any plans to terminate soon but I am starting to cut back on my sessions. This change has brought to me great saddness and a deep feeling of inpending loss that makes me almost sick. I know that it does not have to happen soon, but I know that one day I will have to leave my therapist and it makes me sick and it makes me want to run and scream from the pain of the loss. I can't get it out of my head...I'm scared to death and don't know how I will ever be able to cope with so much pain. I dread the day want to run form it, want to hide from it, but I know I can't. I hate myself for feeling this way, hate myself for learning to love and trust someone so much and knowing all along that someday it would have to end. I thought I was doing so much better, but now I don't know. I fear I can't deal with it. What am I to do.

[sidony]

((((( LittleMouse )))))

I hope you can talk about this with your therapist today.

If it's causing you this much pain, is it really necessary to do it right now? I know I wouldn't be able to. There's nothing wrong with just continuing therapy to enrich your life (even when you've worked out most of your major problems). There is always more to learn.

Okay that paragraph might not be helpful -- you don't need to defend your decision. That's just there since it's what I think of when I read your posts.

I read once that you know when it's time to end because you stop feeling the dependency and the need. But I'm sure everyone grieves it.

I had no idea what an emotional experience therapy would be. I'll miss my therapist terribly once he's gone. (Except I'm not leaving him unless he retires since I still need him so much.)

Wishing you comfort....
Sidony

[lauren_helene]

I agree with Sid on this. I think you are ready when you feel ready. If it is having this much of an impact talk to your T about it.

I'm sorry you are hurting

[LittleMouse]

Sidony thanks for your words and after reading your response I have come to the conclusion that I am doing this to myself! I don't have to end therapy...not evan close to that point yet so why am I feelilng so rotten? I think this whole process has served as a trigger for me and it is really the triggered emotions that have taken over and not actually the fact of cutting back to twice a month for therapy. I feel comfortable with every two weeks! I don't feel comfortable with termination and by Gosh I'm not even going there. This is within my control and having these thoughts are my doing. I've got to stop it and I will. Thanks for your words as they kind of made me see that I do have a choice in this matter and that I need to take control of my obsessive thinking and stop it!

[Perna]

Little mouse, try to stay in a present, today-only frame of mind! When I use to overwhelm myself during the termination process (mine took about a year and a half) I'd remind myself, "we're not terminating today!" and keep working on what we were working on. Everything works together toward the termination, it is a process, not a here-today-gone-tomorrow single event. Remember when you started first grade or 9th grade and were freaking out about 6th grade or graduating high school? It didn't happen like that, did it? When it did "happen" it was okay because you had worked toward it. That's how termination works too.

I freaked myself out in college and had to start therapy back when I was 20 because I "suddenly" realized I had to graduate and "go out into the world" and find a job, support myself, be an "adult" and I'd never considered all that before, just thought life would be one year following the next, no "big" changes, just do the "next" thing. But, one can't get ready for that if one doesn't prepare and look at it square in the face and start thinking of what needs doing/how to do it/how to learn skills one needs, what skills one already has and how to use them, etc. Now you know there will be termination eventually and have (for whatever reason) taken a step of having fewer sessions. See how fewer sessions help you!

See how well you cope and/or how hard it is and "why" in concrete terms and brainstorm ways to help yourself view things differently. You can't "practice" not being in therapy if you are in therapy :-) This is an opportunity, not a tragedy! :-) You use to have 2+ sessions now you have less (but still have the training wheels of having a session, you're still in therapy but not as much is all). Lessening sessions lets you get a little practice and very real experience!

[LittleMouse]

Perna thank you so much for your wise words and encouragement. You are so right! I'm doing this to myself by thinking too far ahead of myself and getting all freaked out over something that is a long was down the road. I'm not familiar with the termination process and I think I am rushing myself without having to. I will try to see this phase of my therapy as jus that...a phase and not the end...yet. I don't know when I will be ready to terminate but I know it will not be for a long while. As for cutting back, I do think its time and I need to know that I can to this to measure my progress. This may sound strange but I think in a way it is healthy for me to do this. I'll take your words to heart and will take my time and let the process flow as it may. I want to thank you so much.

Oh, by the way, how do I PM someone on this site. I've never done it before.
LittleMouse

[happyflowergirl]

Hi Littlemouse,

I am going through the termination phase too, and it is soooo hard to let go. I was mostly okay with it, until others issues came up that I needed his help with, so termination will be probably be put off past the end of this year. I have been seeing my T for over 2 1/2 years, and there is such a bond, I am so thankful in him helping me. I will truely miss him, but I see him around the gym sometimes so that won't be so bad, and if I need to see him another time in the future, he said I could call him. He has had clients sometimes come back 3 times over 20 years or so. Have you talked about if you need therapy after termination, can you come back? Sometimes that helps but it isn't always possible.
But I understand the horrible feeling of even thinking about it, but you can do it, nothing would make your T happier , than seeing you graduate and be on your own. That is the biggest compliment for a T, is living your life to the fullest. But it is so hard to think of giving them up.

[Lemon]

LittleMouse - I'm glad you've realized you were putting a lot of the pressure on yourself rather than terminating being something you were being forced to do. I heard somewhere that a good time to begin to terminate is when you realize you don't have a lot you need to talk to your T about and are sort-of searching for topics. As long as you have things you want to cover and work on I don't think there is any reason you would need to terminate.

However, it may be a good idea try out an every-other week schedule. I know for me, I'd love to talk to T every week, and I do in times of crisis, but it can be stressful fitting in a session every week with my work schedule. Going everyother week also gives me confidence that I can handle some life events on my own and try to develop other means of coping rather than just dumping everything I'm feeling on T and soley reling on her to guide me.

[sunrise]

LittleMouse, I hope you will take it slow and don't pressure yourself to terminate before you are ready. (((hugs)))

I was reading online about the different stages of psychotherapy and read something that was comforting to me about termination:

"It is also important for the patient to realize that the healthy parts of the therapeutic relationship have been assimilated into his or her identity. This means that although there is physical separation (therapy ends), the relationship continues in the self-structure of the patient."

I really liked that. It means that when I terminate, T will still be with me, integrated into my self. I love that.

[amuseable]

I can so empathisize with you. I always fret about the coming grief when T and I part. In fact, I cannot even imagine it. I have got him promising he will always see me as long as he is working still and I hope even afterwards we can stay in touch somehow. Very unrealistic of me, I might add. Just this last week I decided to see him less because I feel I am ridiculously dependent upon him but that decision only lasted two hours! Actually my situation is a little more complicated than that because I can't seem to get over feeling in love with him. It is not a "nice" feeling in love. Rather I feel sick much of the time with extreme jealousy towards both him (he is so well-loved) and those in his personal life (wife, etc.) . I am continually trying to look for emotional things from the relationship ... like soul-to-soul bonding and hugs and nurturing ... that just don't belong there. Every time I look for him to love me in a personal way and he does not (because he is my therapist! duh!) I feel in pain. At this point, I feel noone will ever love me. I am middle-aged. I do not want to live without love anymore. I have for most of my entire life. I keep trying to do the impossible with T because there is no chance for love for me anywhere else. It is very painful anyway. I leave therapy sessions so hopeless because, once again, I have seen the truth that no man would ever love me, really.

[LittleMouse]

Gosh I would hate to feel that way about my therapist and my heart goes out to you. I know it must be a painful feeling and I am so sorry you are feeling so unloved by others. I love my therapist too, but not the way you love yours. I too find it hard to imagine him not being in my life but I also know that one day it will happen. I'm feeling more comfortable now about cutting back on the frequency of our visits though deep down it makes me sad. I wish I could hold on to him forever, but know that will never happen. Fortunately I have a very loving husband in my life so I am not alone and unloved. But the love between a patient and therapist is a one of a kind type of love that is very powerful. Hang in there and I hope your pain will end someday and that you will find somone of your own to love you.