Couch 121: An Intimate Chat.

I spent the day unpacking books for my study. This involved a lot of sorting my books from future-ex's. That got me on a cycle of remembering bad times-good times-bad times, and if I can't calm down soon, I'm going to have to take xanax and go to bed.

Perhaps watch I-can't-believe-this-really-exists bad TV?

No TV (future ex has it, as well as all other home entertainment devices). I'm watching new cat sleep instead. It's less exciting than a baseball game, but very relaxing.

I just watched live at the met 2016 madama butterfly on pbs. I actually understood quite a lot of the italian. I think that means im getting old.

Either that or you're finally realizing your superpower to understand any language!

my cat is laying here with his head on my mouse hand and one paw on my arm. i have to type one-handed lol this cat rules my house!

As so often happens when I am in water (just took a long, hot bath cuz I have the house to myself for a few hours) I figured out what was going on with me as I left t's office today. Just sent her a way too long email about it. I feel so much better just understanding where my head was!!

cool whip!

Oh well. I guess everybody's either asleep or otherwise engaged. Maybe I'll go to bed and see if I can find a movie to watch. Night couchies!

I wish I were asleep, but I'm here if you still are, art.

i'm still here. usually i like a quiet house but it feels really lonely tonight.

Maybe it's just that my thoughts are too loud...

I'm here too. Just trying to distract myself for my session tomorrow when we discuss the baby photo. I feel a little bit sick each time I think about it. I also haven't been sleeping well with strange dreams.

I hate that and they seem to echo around your head and each time they do they gather momentum and get louder.

Need to install a thought disposal in my head.

I have loud thoughts right now too. They're shrieking at me like a banshee.

I was doing so well for a good while there. Part of me wants to blame t for this, like she couldn't stand me being happy or something. That's mean of me to think/say. I don't really mean that. Much.

Is this because of your ex? (Also, I still think you're doing well.)

Part of it. Some of it's J (if you remember that whole story) and some things I realized this evening. That I have chosen my marriage over other desires and feel like part of me has died or something because of it. That sounds maudlin. I'm sorry. This shouldn't feel like such a big deal. But it does.

eta: you'd think the stuff i just worked through about my dad would have made this seem like nothing. crazy brain.

Hugs. You are a good person and you have unconditional worth

thanks for being here tonight. i'm gonna go see if i can find some mindless tv show. night!

It's not maudlin. That's pretty much how I felt the last few years married to future ex.

Hi all, how's it going? Sorry I don't say much. Can't sleep. Too much rage flowing through my body.

The shrieking of nothing is killing, just
Pictures of Jap girls in synthesis and I
Ain't got no money and I ain't got no hair

David Bowie - Ashes To Ashes

Here is a question for the couchinistas:

Do you feel that you have a voice?* In which contexts do or don't you have a voice, and around which people? Does it affect your relationships with particular friends, for instance, if you feel that you have no voice that counts around them - or is it possible (in your individual experience, because as always there are no universal truths) to have a working friendship anyway?

Discuss

* to "have a voice" is a pretty vague concept. What I mean by it here is to be allowed (and to allow oneself) to have and express opinions and/or feelings, more or less freely (or indeed at all). You might have different interpretations of the concept, which would also be interesting for me to hear.