Couch 121: An Intimate Chat.

(((granite)))

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I shall just remind myself that one reason I chose this one was not for her brains but because she neither tried to touch me nor talked about trying to touch me.

AY, I thought you dumped current therapist?

No fear of being touched is a rather solid reason, methinks.

Dumping's happening tomorrow morning -- I was told that apparently (as the ultimate sign of her 'caring' for me and the special 'connection' she feels we share) I warrant a weekend session to fit my schedule although of course it'll be in the weekend office she's sublet to see clients.......over the weekend.......at least for the year that I've been seeing her.

Tune in (or out actually).

If I were you...I would show up with flowers, a stuffed animal, preferably oversize, and a really gooey card thanking her for everything she's done for you.

And, maybe have the card say "You're the best Mom in the world".

ETA: Okay, too many icky scenarios in that combination but what the heck....go big or go home!

Pardon me for saying this but Ack. You are such a girl! Eta - these things hurt my brain!!

Eta - sorry little pitchers have big ears!!

OHHH - and balloons! Don't forget the balloons!

And a scented candle!

What ATAT said. Granite, your mother made you believe you were horrible because what else can a child think when unthinkable things happen to them? That THEY are horrible...literally, children can not think otherwise. So when you grow up with years of systemic abuse...of course you are going to feel that way.

I really, really hope for the day you realize that you have every right to hate her. And when she calls and accuses you of doing "so much" for you, yet you are so ungrateful and hate her...that you can go "YES, and i have every reason to. Goodbye."

I will dance around in my apartment.

Gosh I could see myself wanting to do all of the above for my t.

Totally unrelated but h and I are now in our hotel room in St George, Utah. Long drive!!

Pics to come tomorrow from Zion National Park.

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omg you all forgot the box of chocolates

Now THAT i wouldnt complain about!!!

i so wish i could . omg the voice is freaking me out .i remember that voice so clearly . anyway i did not call her but i had to stop her calling because she wouldnt so i ended out turning everything on my FB for only friends to see and i sent her a 5 word e mail saying im fine just sprained ankle .i feel horrible for even doing that .like im a failure . i want to not feel i need to care about her at all .even easing her fake concern about me .

i know the mother did some horrible things but im not unaware of my part in all of this.i was an unbelievably frustrating child.and i did horrible things also. i understand that doesnt make the things she did right. now i just cant get her voice out of my head.i dont have words to describe the voice she uses and what it dos to me

((granite))

Granite,

If you acted out as a child, it's because you were already traumatised by the mother. Some abused children act out while others become withdrawn.

Being a "difficult" child doesn't mean the child deserves abuse. No child does, even a child with psychopathy.

I don't know how to get rid of my parents voices either, T and me are working to fight them.

Can you hear your Ts voice and the words of the couchies? Can we help fight her voice?

[In case anyone's been waiting with bated breath for the update...]

Dumped (no longer current) T. Rather anti-climactic. Session title could well be 'The Hour of 10,000 Banalities' -- I should say I let loose more than my fair share of them in an effort to have a satisfyingly unsatisfying (or business as usual) session.

Mission accomplished etc.

ETA: Was sorely tempted to express my really real and true feelings with the balloons, flowers, scented candle, chocolates etc but then ran into the (rather non-trivial) issue that given her general comportment, it might overwhelm her system and I'd have to call 911 or something.

(yawn) (stretch) morning couchies. I just woke up from the loveliest dream. In the dream I'm with J again. I haven't dreamed about her in a while. It included balloons filled with glitter and i popped one and the glitter rained down on us and it was beautiful. She still kissed sooo good too. Le sigh.

Have a good day couchies. H & i are off to find breakfast then to the park.

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granite, i'm sorry you're struggling so much, you're doing SO well though, stay strong sister. I agree with the others where is the mother's apologies to YOU? You have done nothing wrong. I am so very proud of you for how hard you are working. Not only can you do this, you are doing this!!

Oh the feels. Since we decided to take an extra couple days, h wants to go to the North Rim today and Zion tomorrow. I have not been back to the Rim since J. Again, oh the feels. I want to go because it is beautiful but... Oh the feels.

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today just stinks as usural. i want to ask my T how can this be . not one person in my family believes i am being a good mother they are all emotionally doing the same thing to my son as they did to me . i just dont get it can they all be so wrong .or could things have been that bad for me. i know im feeling sorry for myself but omg can i be so so so wrong . people here say it isnt my falt but my whole family on both the mother and the farther side. i cant deal with today

just wanted to edit to say this is comming from my farther comming over this morning giving me a hard time about my son again

Oh granite. This is what I wish for you: a vacation out of state for at least three days at a luxury hotel with a spa You are going to a huge crafting trade show where you get to try all kinds of things and meet like minded people. The only rules are that you don't tell anyone you know that you are going or where you are going and you are not allowed to think of your family during this time. I wish you could break away and do something like that. Hugs

I want to keep this post forever, because I've always wondered when you have had sessions with your T and you say how her voice sounds different and mean, and you completely shut down...if it was triggered by your mother's voice. I think that may have been true. I am so so so sorry you have to deal with all of this.
Ugh. First of all, the best of children are extremely frustrating! (just a little levity--because kids aren't easy)....but I know that isn't what you are talking about. Many abused kids act out. Its all they know, so kids repeat what they know and have learned, and of course your family turns that against you, because, HEY! more fodder to abuse granite with!! UGGGHHH.

NONE OF THIS IS YOUR FAULT. NONE. I will say it over and over until it clicks.

Yes, you don't talk about your father much, but just because he didn't beat you or make you sit in a chair for hours on end or lock you in your room, etc...he was just as culpable as your mother. IT WAS THAT BAD FOR YOU. You are the "scapegoat" of the family. I wish we could meet and hang out and craft together and I can tell you that you are not a horrible person

Sorry you are having a difficult time with your family. From an outsider perspective, it seems like no one in your family has healthy boundaries at all. I cannot imagine my family commenting on my parenting in anything but a positive way, or if they had a concern, they would approach it in an inquiring and supportive way, not critically. As far as you father goes, you may just need to set a boundary with him. Your son is an adult. If your father has anything to say TO your son, he should do so directly and not criticize your son through you. If his complaint is with your parenting, again, remind him your son is an adult now, so his decisions and life are in his own control.

I was pleased to read that you recognize your parents did things wrong and they bear responsibility for that; I hope you can go a bit further and take that responsibility off yourself. You were a child. Difficult or not, it was the adults' responsibility to figure out how to work with a difficult child so as to be supportive and help you find peace and healing; that's what good parents do. They may not get it right all the time, but good parents own that responsibility as their own and just feel horribly that their child is suffering. They realize the child, as difficult as he/she may be, is acting out in response to stress and not intentionally setting out to create problems.

Hugs to you, sweet granite.

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