[ScarletPimpernel]

I'm at a place where I don't feel like there's much more room for improvement. Of course there are little things, but not major things. My past is my past, and it's made me the way I am today. And in 8 months, I'll be without my T. I don't think I'll be getting another T as there doesn't seem to be anything left to work on.

But I'm not okay. I still struggle with my depression and anxiety. I've been told by both my T and Pdoc that I'll probably have suicidal thoughts for the rest of my life.

So what's the point of life? Why live?

I have a lot of good things in my life. I have my family, fiance, 3 wonderful dogs, good doctors, and a beautiful new house. But it's not enough to make me happy. And if/when I have a child, I know s/he won't fill the emptiness inside me. Nothing will. No one will.

So what does one live for? Why do you keep fighting the struggles in life? Can one person be enough? Can a dog be enough? Do you live just so you don't hurt others?

I have had to search for personal fulfilment because I realised being a wife and mother as a purpose for existence wasn't enough. I had lost myself in there somewhere. I am valuable too. For me, art and learning have provided purpose. I have found groups of people who share my interests and I am now more personally fulfilled than I have ever been in my life.
I love my family of course and they are very important to me, but having them as my sole reason for living (which they were) was empty for me and hard for H in particular.
I think happiness comes with taking care of, and valuing yourself as a person. It can be a long road to get there but it's worth it.

[Demunie]

Hmm... Hard question.

I think right now, I'm living to not hurt others.

Question is: Do others have to make us happy? Do they have to fill our emptiness? I think we have to do it ourselves. Even if it's hard and (at least for me) seems to be impossible.

It's not fair that people can hurt but not fix us...

Take care

Originally Posted by ScarletPimpernel

I'm at a place where I don't feel like there's much more room for improvement. Of course there are little things, but not major things. My past is my past, and it's made me the way I am today. And in 8 months, I'll be without my T. I don't think I'll be getting another T as there doesn't seem to be anything left to work on.

But I'm not okay. I still struggle with my depression and anxiety. I've been told by both my T and Pdoc that I'll probably have suicidal thoughts for the rest of my life.

So what's the point of life? Why live?

I have a lot of good things in my life. I have my family, fiance, 3 wonderful dogs, good doctors, and a beautiful new house. But it's not enough to make me happy. And if/when I have a child, I know s/he won't fill the emptiness inside me. Nothing will. No one will.

So what does one live for? Why do you keep fighting the struggles in life? Can one person be enough? Can a dog be enough? Do you live just so you don't hurt others?

I guess, death is to permanent. Moods come and go. I just sit an wait until I'm not questioning why I live. It comes back sometimes, but it's just a passing feeling, but like am old friend. Crazy I know.

[ilikecats]

I'm pretty much living for my mom right now. I've been feeling like there's no point lately too. Maybe living for others is enough to get us through until we find a way to live for ourselves. I don't know. Sorry you're feeling this way too.

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[Myrto]

I have asked myself that question very often. When I feel like giving up, when I think there is no point in life, when I feel too depressed to do anything. To me, people are not necessarily the thing that keep me going. I love travelling, reading, discovering new things. I agree with Echos Myron that art and learning provide a purpose. So I live for all the books I haven't read, all the places I've never been to, all the movies I haven't watched. Making new holiday plans, planning to read a certain book usually makes me happy and energetic. So I live for that.

I finally realized I am a person of value, and even when I am feeling low, my value is still there. My life matters, and even when I am feeling badly, I matter to many, many people, some of whom aren't at all obvious to me. Those low times come and go, but my relationships will last through those lows and beyond, even beyond death. And yes, relationships have value and matter even beyond death. I also learned that what I sought in life was not happiness (I think that seeking the elusive happiness is a bit mythological -- no one is happy all the time -- life doesn't work that way). What really mattered to me was a sense of contentment and the inner peace that comes with contentment. I can be okay and content with where life takes me -- the highs and the lows, the happy times and the sad times. It is all part of the living experience.

[Ellahmae]

Originally Posted by ScarletPimpernel

I'm at a place where I don't feel like there's much more room for improvement. Of course there are little things, but not major things. My past is my past, and it's made me the way I am today. And in 8 months, I'll be without my T. I don't think I'll be getting another T as there doesn't seem to be anything left to work on.

But I'm not okay. I still struggle with my depression and anxiety. I've been told by both my T and Pdoc that I'll probably have suicidal thoughts for the rest of my life.

So what's the point of life? Why live?

I have a lot of good things in my life. I have my family, fiance, 3 wonderful dogs, good doctors, and a beautiful new house. But it's not enough to make me happy. And if/when I have a child, I know s/he won't fill the emptiness inside me. Nothing will. No one will.

So what does one live for? Why do you keep fighting the struggles in life? Can one person be enough? Can a dog be enough? Do you live just so you don't hurt others?

Isn't this something to work on?

[objectclient]

I live for the sake of not hurting others and often it isn't enough. If I wasn't here anymore, I don't even think people would be sad for losing me as the real me that I am in the process of becoming. It is the person that they wanted me to be that they would feel the loss of. That is a sad thought because the person they would miss wouldn't therefore be me. I would rather die hated but true to myself than loved for being somebody that I'm not. I guess that gives me some motivation to keep living.

[Bill3]

And if/when I have a child, I know s/he won't fill the emptiness inside me. Nothing will. No one will.

I see two questions intertwined here.

1. What are reasons to live?

2. Are those reasons enough to offset or overcome the emptiness?

I wonder if you would be willing to look at the first question by itself for a minute. What reasons are there for you to live? Whether or not those reasons seem to be enough right now.

[atisketatasket]

The reasons vary. I do have a pretty fulfilling job, interesting research, engaging hobbies.

Thoughts that stop me when I might actually do something:

1. I've come this far, why stop voluntarily now? Seems like a waste.
2. Fearing that at the last moment, just past the point of no return, I'll regret my choice. I don't want to die with that as my last thought.
3. To Catholics, suicide's a mortal sin.

Eta: rereading your post above, it sounds like your life is kind of insular - family, fiance, dogs, doctors. Perhaps volunteering would help, or eventually a job, even part-time, if that's possible?

[Argonautomobile]

You know that ditty 'bout Jack and Diane? The one that says life goes on, long after the thrill of living is gone?

That's the line that goes endlessly through my head when I'm feeling the meaninglessness of it all. Honestly, I'm not convinced there's some revelation about the meaning of life that causes a good mood--I think it's the good mood that allows the revelation to reveal itself.

Which, in a way, is horrendously depressing--but in another way it simplifies things. It's hard to come up with a purpose to life ex nihilo. It's easier to do the **** you know you're supposed to do to elevate your mood--get some sunshine. Eat some vegetables. Engage in a hobby. Shower daily. Lather, rinse, repeat. Viola--Meaning.

Finding life worth living is not always about some higher ideal. Sometimes it's just about the exquisite pleasure of sticking your arm out of a moving vehicle and doing that airplane thing with your hand.

PS: employment is really important to my mental health. I agree it might be nice to look for something to do out of the house--volunteering or part-time work.

[ABeautifulLie]

Im not sure what keeps me living. Im more depressed than ever now,have more anxiety, and am still hopeless but I want to live.

[PinkFlamingo99]

Originally Posted by Argonautomobile

You know that ditty 'bout Jack and Diane? The one that says life goes on, long after the thrill of living is gone?

That's the line that goes endlessly through my head when I'm feeling the meaninglessness of it all. Honestly, I'm not convinced there's some revelation about the meaning of life that causes a good mood--I think it's the good mood that allows the revelation to reveal itself.

Which, in a way, is horrendously depressing--but in another way it simplifies things. It's hard to come up with a purpose to life ex nihilo. It's easier to do the **** you know you're supposed to do to elevate your mood--get some sunshine. Eat some vegetables. Engage in a hobby. Shower daily. Lather, rinse, repeat. Viola--Meaning.

Finding life worth living is not always about some higher ideal. Sometimes it's just about the exquisite pleasure of sticking your arm out of a moving vehicle and doing that airplane thing with your hand.

PS: employment is really important to my mental health. I agree it might be nice to look for something to do out of the house--volunteering or part-time work.

The song that always goes through my head is by Stevie Nicks,

"The feeling remains
Even after the glitter fades...
The dream keeps coming even when you forget to feel."

I totally identify with that Mellancamp one too. I do know that life shouldn't be like that, and it shouldn't be okay to not really want to be alive. My team (and if you googled the names, they are really well known in BPD research, one in particular shows up quoted on almost every page), believes that you shoukd get beyond that point. Do you have the opportunity to find someone specifically trained and experienced in BPD to help you get past this point?

[brillskep]

My strongest motivation to live comes from knowing that I make a difference to others and that I am needed and useful. I also rather enjoy the small and not so small things in life, such as the people I love, hobbies, the beauty of nature, a nice day, ... Although sometimes when things are going really badly my focus is narrowed and those things I just mentioned don't seem to be worth the pain and struggle. Knowing I make a difference for the better in others' lives always makes a difference to me, no matter how badly I may feel.

I'm sorry you've had such feedback. It's difficult to overcome suicidal thoughts (or anything really) when the people who are supposed to help you don't believe you ever will. I don't know your particular situation but I can't see that kind of feedback as being in any way productive. Also, personally I would consider depression, anxiety and suicidal thoughts to be very major things to keep working at in therapy. Not to try to convince you to stay, just thought I'd mention it, for what it's worth. You know you have wonderful people and things in your life ... You deserve to really enjoy all of that

[Pennster]

I get my desire to live from loving people and also working in my small way to help people and make the world better. I have a volunteer project that means a lot to me, and I can see how things would be different if I weren't there.

Do you think it might be possible that this question alone is worth working on? I guess I am a little confused by the idea that you have nothing else to work on if this question is still on the table.

Sounds like you are having a really hard time scarlet, I am very sorry to hear that you are contemplating living/dying. Sounds like life is beautiful and bloody hard for you at the moment. Does it have to be one or the other or can it be both? There are some really awful days where everyone questions why they are living and on these days I tell myself that yes today SUCKS but tomorrow could be better. This doesn't work a lot of the time but that little smidgen of hope really gets me through. I wait till the next day before making a life changing decision. Telling myself life is ok I have nothing to complain about never helps it makes me feel worse but being kind and compassionate and telling myself that yes, I am sad today, yes life sucks right now and there is a possibility that it won't get better but I have to hope things will get better. I deserve better and as long as I believe that and also life sucks sometimes I can get past my negative thinking cycles.
It sounds like there is a lot of good in your life but also a lot of tough days. What has kept you going for this long?
I always think of VIctor Frankls book "mans search for meaning" and I think if he can survive that he'll on earth with little hope I can get through one more day of this by supporting myself.

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[nottrustin]

Without a doubt it is my children. Even on my hardest days where i really want to give up, I love my children more than I hate my life. My mom did when I was in my 20's and i have struggled not having her in my life. I can't intentionally do that to my children.

[divine1966]

I am sorry you are struggling. I don't pretend to understand as I have never been suicidal but I had hardships in life. Having a child always made a difference in a sense of being responsible for someone else. I recall when I was very sick and had cancer scare, my daughter was 10 and I had very clear thought that I cannot leave her motherless but if j must die I need to live 12 more years to make sure she graduated high school and college and then she at least be able to handle it better. I remember it very clearly that nothing else mattered but to make sure I don't leave my daughter motherless.

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[speckofdust]

Honestly, I wonder the same thing. I think it's my T. Not wanting to disappoint her. My wanting to see her each week. Otherwise, can't think of anything else. T and I are trying to figure it out.

[ScarletPimpernel]

Just wanted to be clear: I'm having thoughts, but I'm safe. I have no plans to harm myself in anyway.

Two years ago, I was on the right track. I was taking care of my hygiene, exercising, losing weight, eating better, doing hobbies, etc. But ever since ex-T left, I have struggled in all these categories. I lost myself when I lost her, and I can't find my way back.

It seems like every time I have a major loss, I can't achieve what I once had. Like each time the loss takes a part of me away.

I know I'm still struggling. Depression and anxiety are real things to work on. But how? What more is left to talk about. No point in processing the past. I've learned a lot of coping skills, but they're bandaids. So what it boils down to is finding reasons to live. And I'm not questioning what is the pyrpose of life nor am I looking for religious answers.

I just want to want to live! To live with the suffering, to be happy or even content. To be at peace with myself. As many mentioned: to value myself. But how?

It's been suggested by EVERYONE (here on PC, my doctors, family) for me to do things outside the house: hobbies, volunteer, a job, etc. But my anxiety is so high. And I also have a lack of interest in all the things I used to do, so that makes things even harder.

I have a good life. I see it. So why can't I be content with it?

[bounceback]

After I lost my mom I realized how short life really is. Plus there is a lot of things I want to experience. I am out of country for the first time in my life and I have seen amazing things. If I had committed suicide the many times I thought about it or tried it I wouldn't have got to experience those things. So what keeps me going is knowing there are wonderful things out there that we won't know about unless we keep living.

[growlycat]

Anxiety and wanting to live are two things to work on!! What isn't being said is that your clinic that you work with only seems to believe in short term therapy. From someone in very long term therapy. There is always room for increased happiness and functioning and having the same t for more than eighteen months would do you wonders. Is there any we to find affordable care outside your clinic??? I worry that they are doing you a disservice by making you feel like what you need is not an option. No other illness do they push you so hard to go without care!! It burns me sorry to rant.

[junkDNA]

i dont know what keeps me living... to be honest a lot of the time it is to spare my mom the pain of me taking my own life. she doesnt deserve that...she has been thru so much. i cant bear the thought of it

[atisketatasket]

Originally Posted by ScarletPimpernel

It's been suggested by EVERYONE (here on PC, my doctors, family) for me to do things outside the house: hobbies, volunteer, a job, etc. But my anxiety is so high. And I also have a lack of interest in all the things I used to do, so that makes things even harder.

I have a good life. I see it. So why can't I be content with it?

Because you want something more. I don't know what that is, and you may not either.

I know how inhibiting anxiety can be when it comes to reaching outside of your regular life. But I think it's worth it. What therapy would become now would be encouraging you to take those steps to an outer life. Therapy isn't always about talking, it's also about talking so that you feel comfortable doing.

I'm wondering if you might be telling yourself you're done with therapy because you'll be leaving your therapist a few months? To soften the blow maybe?