Often my t will say see what you are doing to yourself or say something like are you going to take responsibility for that or continue to blame others by saying he did this or she did that to me!
Sometimes this doesn't help and I get angry at her for not understanding or for trying to blame me.
I am curious as to how your t will get the message across?

[PinkFlamingo99]

Mine always tells me to stop blaming myself for everything. Geesh.

[ruh roh]

Originally Posted by monalisasmile

Often my t will say see what you are doing to yourself or say something like are you going to take responsibility for that or continue to blame others by saying he did this or she did that to me!
Sometimes this doesn't help and I get angry at her for not understanding or for trying to blame me.
I am curious as to how your t will get the message across?

What does this mean? Get what message across?

[Waterbear]

Sorry Mona, I don't understand what message. I am not sure my T has any messages she is trying to get across. I think she wants me to create my own messages. Old T just used to tell me straight that things weren't right for me growing up but that it wasn't my fault. She used to tell me I was incredible or stuff like that. I think it helped but I can see they just work in different ways. This might just take a lot longer or might not be so strong. I don't know.

[leomama]

Originally Posted by monalisasmile

Often my t will say see what you are doing to yourself or say something like are you going to take responsibility for that or continue to blame others by saying he did this or she did that to me!
Sometimes this doesn't help and I get angry at her for not understanding or for trying to blame me.
I am curious as to how your t will get the message across?

I love mine. She tells me to stop when she needs me to listen. She has my upmost respect.

[Argonautomobile]

If my T has something to say, he usually just...you know, says it. He's never acted like I'm difficult to get through to or thick in the skull or anything like that.

Your T sounds very confrontational, Mona. I like her less and less the more I hear about her.

[snarkydaddy]

with a hammer or duck tape... really any thing that gets through to me. Including telling me the same thing 5 different ways with illustrative narratives.

[Pennster]

My therapist stresses the commonality of humanity, and how we all suffer. He's really big into telling me it's not my fault. We are hard-wired in ways that will make us suffer under certain conditions.

Your therapist sounds really cold-hearted, Mona! I hope one day you will find a very compassionate and squishy therapist to work with- I think a warm style would suit you so much better.

My therapists photocopies the relevant parts of her therapy notes. Often these include instructions regarding homework or things to work on. They also often include notes about what she wants me to give thought to or reinforces ideas we discussed.

[leomama]

Originally Posted by justafriend306

My therapists photocopies the relevant parts of her therapy notes. Often these include instructions regarding homework or things to work on. They also often include notes about what she wants me to give thought to or reinforces ideas we discussed.

Yes mine too.

[nottrustin]

She repeats the message over and over until I eventually "get it"...I can be vet stubborn

He just kept helping me work through whatever was causing me issues, helping me see my patterns of responses and reactions and behaviors, helping me discover ways/skills for coping healthily with those issues . . . until I slowly starting finding the ability to do those things automatically on my own. It took a long time to go from resisting to listening to practicing to internalizing and utilizing and managing on my own. Years and years of work.

[runlola72]

I don't think my therapist tries to get messages to me. He's quite diplomatic if he wants to offer a different point of view to what I have. "May I suggest another way of looking at this?" Or "if I may, I don't believe that...."

Originally Posted by ruh roh

What does this mean? Get what message across?

Usually our ts try to get a certain message to us on why something is happening. My t says that things don't happen to me that I do them to myself by wounding myself around what happened or that I am hurting myself or stopping myself from connecting or engaging.
My I wasn't being clear in my post, sometimes things make perfect sense in my head but then when I try communicate these ideas with others they find it hard to understand. Sorry if it wasn't clear, I hope this is clearer.

Originally Posted by Pennster

My therapist stresses the commonality of humanity, and how we all suffer. He's really big into telling me it's not my fault. We are hard-wired in ways that will make us suffer under certain conditions.

Your therapist sounds really cold-hearted, Mona! I hope one day you will find a very compassionate and squishy therapist to work with- I think a warm style would suit you so much better.

Your therapists sounds wonderful and compassionate Pennster.
I really believe that somethings are out of our control. We can only control our reactions to these situations and I think that this is what my t is really trying to express but it comes across as blaming me.

Originally Posted by Argonautomobile

If my T has something to say, he usually just...you know, says it. He's never acted like I'm difficult to get through to or thick in the skull or anything like that.

Your T sounds very confrontational, Mona. I like her less and less the more I hear about her.

Yes a lot of people have expressed their dislike of my t but something keeps me going back every week. She is very confrontational and harsh but also very soft and at times has shown a lot of empathy.
She is human first and foremost. One of my colleagues went to see her and walked out in the middle of session. She didn't like her style and accused her of having no empathy at all.

What message?

[Out There]

Originally Posted by monalisasmile

Usually our ts try to get a certain message to us on why something is happening. My t says that things don't happen to me that I do them to myself by wounding myself around what happened or that I am hurting myself or stopping myself from connecting or engaging.
My I wasn't being clear in my post, sometimes things make perfect sense in my head but then when I try communicate these ideas with others they find it hard to understand. Sorry if it wasn't clear, I hope this is clearer.

I do this - it's clear in my head but I have trouble getting others to understand my train of thought. And I also have the train of thought with the other things , I react to what people say or do from patterns from the past. I was working a bit with CBT / TA skills with EMDR T this week on this , with TA the " child " bit is going off. But I don't feel blaming is very helpful ( and your T does a lot of this ). It's always going to happen that people do this and we're going to react , but learning the skills to recognize and bring the reaction down quicker rather than " you're doing this to yourself ". My T was using examples from his own life too - super helpful rather than being harsh.

[Ma1lgn59]

Monalisa, your t sounds dismissive and unsupportive. I'm sorry you did not find a good one here.

My T was brash. If he had a message for me I can't imagine what it was. He tried to USE other people to send messages for him. Sounds bizarre, I know, but he was a strange one. He wasn't forthright with me. A good T is so hard to find.

[Bipolar Warrior]

My university therapist used to get very frustrated whenever I was mean to myself. I have a very self-deprecating sense of humour, which she did not approve of, and with either sadness or frustration she would ask me to stop saying things like that about myself.

[LonesomeTonight]

Occasionally, when I say something self-defeating or won't accept that I accomplished something on my own, my marriage counselor will have my H hit me (lightly) with a pillow. I forget how it started, but in a way it can help because it both makes me realize what I said and also makes me start laughing.

[ruh roh]

Originally Posted by monalisasmile

Usually our ts try to get a certain message to us on why something is happening. My t says that things don't happen to me that I do them to myself by wounding myself around what happened or that I am hurting myself or stopping myself from connecting or engaging.
My I wasn't being clear in my post, sometimes things make perfect sense in my head but then when I try communicate these ideas with others they find it hard to understand. Sorry if it wasn't clear, I hope this is clearer.

Thanks for replying. I'm still not quite sure what you mean, but I see that others get it, so maybe it's more about my not understanding this concept. If you are asking how my therapist communicates in general, I would say she's very kind and respectful--not syrupy sweet, that would not go over well at all--but we discuss things and she replies in ways that feel genuine and real. So I guess if she has a message, she just says whatever it is. Sorry if that's not helpful.

[stopdog]

I don't think the woman has any useful message that is relevant to me. The first one tries to use my dogs ("if someone did that to the dog would you be upset or think it wrong or protect them" sort of crap - but to me that is just stupid - they are dogs - so it is very different.) or sometimes she says "would you say that to your friends" - and my response is I probably would not say it but I would think it.
Now I just don't let her talk so if she has any message she has to keep it to herself.

To me, there is a difference in meaning between "You have choices despite your past, and current adverse circumstances limiting your choices" vs "You are blaming everything on your past and on current adverse circumstances".

I had a T who would say to me "Stop being a victim, take personal responsibility" and he meant it as I had choices to leave a job where I was getting sexually harrassed and bullied and that I "brought on or attracted" bullies to myself because of my behaviour.

He was assuming I had an external locus of control and was trying to shift it to an internal locus of control but his manner and examples were horrible and definitely felt like "victim blaming."

While I don't like your T's manner (I'm sorry, I do recognise your words that she can be really good and empathic sometimes), could she be trying to convey a similar point? (She's doing it in a really shaming way...)

[Argonautomobile]

Originally Posted by monalisasmile

Yes a lot of people have expressed their dislike of my t but something keeps me going back every week. She is very confrontational and harsh but also very soft and at times has shown a lot of empathy.
She is human first and foremost. One of my colleagues went to see her and walked out in the middle of session. She didn't like her style and accused her of having no empathy at all.

I realized after I posted that I could have been more diplomatic. It must be hard to hear people criticize someone you like and respect. Hope things go well for you, Mona.