[SoConfused623]

I don't feel very connected to my therapist these days and am wondering if I can still get a benefit from therapy by staying with her? I just don't want to start over with someone else. I feel like I can still be pretty open with her.

I'd also like to know if you feel connected to your therapist, and in what ways?

Lastly, would love thoughts on getting reconnected and how to approach that with her or is it a mindset I can just get into myself?

Thanks!

For me. I went through a phase when I thought I'd lost connection. It had just become more internalized.

Can you tell your t you don't feel connected to her? She will probably be curious as to what's happening between you. Have you ever considered that maybe she has disconnected from you?
I think it's harder to do therapy when there is no connection with a t because I personally need that connection for trust.

[Waterbear]

I know I feel like I lose connection sometimes and mainly it is when we get into my head and not my heart. I addressed this with my T recently but didn't state it as a loss of connection, mainly because I have never yet felt a strong connection with her. We are working on it I think.

[ABeautifulLie]

Have you mentioned this to your T? I hope you can get reconnected with your T. I wish I knew since thats what Im going through right now.

[stopdog]

I am not connected to the therapist. It works well enough for me - I don't particularly need or want a connection with them

I feel more connected as she inadvertently discloses more. I know that's strange.

[runlola72]

I feel disconnected at the moment. It changes frequently though

i am very connected to myself. we talk about a lot of things not just therapy. we are part of each others lives.

[SoConfused623]

Originally Posted by monalisasmile

Can you tell your t you don't feel connected to her? She will probably be curious as to what's happening between you. Have you ever considered that maybe she has disconnected from you?
I think it's harder to do therapy when there is no connection with a t because I personally need that connection for trust.

I feel like I could tell her that I don't feel very connected but wonder if that sort of thing would hurt her feelings or be considered mean to say? You raise an interesting point that maybe she disconnected from me.... I really hope that she is open to talking about this and hope that we can salvage the relationship.

I feel like if she shared an anecdote or disclosed something that she had in common with me that it would do wonders for our connection. Or if she ever followed up on anything that I say, that would surely help. Or if she ever gave me a compliment or said something nice......I've told her all of this but nothing changes......

Originally Posted by SoConfused623

I feel like I could tell her that I don't feel very connected but wonder if that sort of thing would hurt her feelings or be considered mean to say? You raise an interesting point that maybe she disconnected from me.... I really hope that she is open to talking about this and hope that we can salvage the relationship.

I feel like if she shared an anecdote or disclosed something that she had in common with me that it would do wonders for our connection. Or if she ever followed up on anything that I say, that would surely help. Or if she ever gave me a compliment or said something nice......I've told her all of this but nothing changes......

I can't speak for your therapist but I don't think she would her offended and readier you that you don't need to worry about her feelings. I think that by sharing what is happening for you could really deepen the work.
Does your t ever ask how you are finding your relationship or what is happening between you?
Is she a blank slate t? It's often hard to connect with them and sharing personal things helps bond us but the fact you have asked and your t has not complied suggests she is a blank slate. No wonder you are feeling disconnected because she cuts off the connection.

My t shares a lot of herself on sessions and especially in relation to our relationship and this helps with our connection.

[sweepy62]

I make sure ,that at least we are on the same page every session, if I feel something is off I ask, usually she will let me know. I'm very highly sensitive, as in, I feel so deeply, it's bad sometimes.

[Bipolar Warrior]

I have never felt particularly connected to my private therapist in the three and a half years that I have been seeing her. I like her, but we don't have some sort of deep and profound connection. She is just someone to talk to, and I often wonder if that is enough, especially after what I've had with my therapist at university. We just don't seem to bond; I could stop seeing her right now and it wouldn't have much of an impact on me. Is that sad?

The thing is, my uni therapist was relentless in her efforts to push me out of my comfort zone, and once she had done that I ended up attaching to her quite spectacularly. Because she was so open and honest about her own feelings, I began to open up to her as well, and it happened pretty much straight away; I felt connected to her during our first session. It kind of scared me. Over the year and a half I was seeing her I never once felt disconnected from her. We had some terrible ruptures, but they happened because the connection became too intense for me and I just wanted to run away from it. I wanted her to be my mum. I still do.

My private therapist is fairly reserved. She has commented a few times on how I seem to just describe things to her rather than exploring my feelings or whatever, and she's right, of course. I can't seem to do that with her. With my uni therapist it felt safe to do that, and to let myself feel the pain and cry if I had to, because I knew she would love me, then. She would come and sit next to me and hold me, and it was okay to be vulnerable because I was with my emotionally available mother. I've never felt that safe with anyone else, ever, and certainly not with my private therapist. It just doesn't feel right with her.

I guess I've never felt that "in-between" thing, fluctuating between connection and disconnection with the same therapist, so I have no idea what that is like. But I agree with Mona: if your therapist is a blank slate, it would be difficult to maintain a connection. I don't think a blank slate therapist would work for me at all.

[LonesomeTonight]

I'm having issues with feeling disconnected from my T right now, too. I was never overly connected to her the first couple years I saw her, then at some point a year or so ago, I began to feel really connected and fairly attached to her. She seemed like she felt more connected to me, too, so I trusted her more. But the past few months, she seems to have pulled back, which is making me pull back, too. She did at one point admit that she may have been caring a bit too much and gotten too close (like a maternal countertransference) and realized she had to step back to maintain objectivity. But since I experienced that with her, it's very hard to go back to being less connected. Of course, with the exception of that one thing she said, she acts like there wasn't a change and is putting stuff back on me, which makes it harder, too. I'm thinking of telling her next week that I want to take a break and maybe shop for other T's.

I feel very connected to my marriage counselor--I think partly because he shares so much about himself and also because we all joke around some in session. But he also is accepting of anything I tell him (I'll e-mail him at times) and says that transference and attachment are normal and natural, as is the desire for reassurance, rather than some sign of a weakness in me. He also seems to place a high importance on the client-T relationship and on building/maintaining that, more so than my T. So he makes an effort to maintain the connection and trust, too. (I did have a rupture with him about a year ago, but like BipolarWarrior said, it was more because I was too attached, and that's what made it so painful.)

Originally Posted by SoConfused623

I feel like I could tell her that I don't feel very connected but wonder if that sort of thing would hurt her feelings or be considered mean to say? You raise an interesting point that maybe she disconnected from me.... I really hope that she is open to talking about this and hope that we can salvage the relationship.

I feel like if she shared an anecdote or disclosed something that she had in common with me that it would do wonders for our connection. Or if she ever followed up on anything that I say, that would surely help. Or if she ever gave me a compliment or said something nice......I've told her all of this but nothing changes......

I could have written this post. I too feel that if my T would share some simple not particularly personal stuff with me then I would feel I could connect. I don't know why she doesn't. I've wondered whether it is lack of confidence on her part, or that she doesn't particularly like me, or is it just her style? I'm quite close to quitting because of it. I also wish she would say something nice.

[ruh roh]

I think it's because I feel heard and understood in very real ways, but it has taken (and continues to take) a very long time. My therapist does not share much about her personal life to make this happen, it's more about being herself and being present to hear what's going on and sticking around to stay through it all. So, it's not all about what I do, so much as a back and forth and building over time some mutual trust and understanding.

[SoConfused623]

Originally Posted by Little Cat

I feel more connected as she inadvertently discloses more. I know that's strange.

I don't think that is strange at all. I would feel way more connected if my blank slate therapist would share something, anything with me!

[SoConfused623]

Originally Posted by monalisasmile

I can't speak for your therapist but I don't think she would her offended and readier you that you don't need to worry about her feelings. I think that by sharing what is happening for you could really deepen the work.
Does your t ever ask how you are finding your relationship or what is happening between you?
Is she a blank slate t? It's often hard to connect with them and sharing personal things helps bond us but the fact you have asked and your t has not complied suggests she is a blank slate. No wonder you are feeling disconnected because she cuts off the connection.

My t shares a lot of herself on sessions and especially in relation to our relationship and this helps with our connection.

Yes, my T is a blank slate which is why I have this problem in the first place. I asked her to tell me a little bit about herself and she asked me to GUESS what I thought that she'd be into! I made a couple of guesses and then pushed back asking her to tell me and all that I got was she preferred baking (I had guessed that she liked cooking" and that she likes spending time outdoors. That's all that I she wants me to know.

I was so frustrated and ended up extensively googling her and found out a ton of info. Later I felt guilty and told her about my googling and about a couple of general things that I found. Luckily, I withheld a LOT fo what I had found. She was mad and while we have made amends for the most part, I still struggle with the fact that she won't tell me anything but on the other hand it's so frustrating that I know a lot but can't mention it!

There is always an underlying struggle like when I asked her where she was going on vacation and all that she gave me was the name of the state and then kind of stared at me. It makes me feel like I shouldn't ever ask any questions because I feel so rejected when she won't answer them.

I really wish that I knew the future and how this was all going to shake out.

[SoConfused623]

Originally Posted by Brown Owl

I could have written this post. I too feel that if my T would share some simple not particularly personal stuff with me then I would feel I could connect. I don't know why she doesn't. I've wondered whether it is lack of confidence on her part, or that she doesn't particularly like me, or is it just her style? I'm quite close to quitting because of it. I also wish she would say something nice.

Sorry that you are going through this too! In my case, I feel like it's just her style. I do think that she likes me and cares about me and I don't think that it's a confidence thing.

I too feel close to quitting. I think that I'm going to give it one more session and pretty much tell her all that I've written hear and see what she says. I'd especially like to know if the thinks that a fresh start with someone else would be good for me or if she thinks that we can work this out. I would really appreciate a small compromise on her part rather than me trying to just deal with it as I've tried for the past 2 years and it just doesn't work for me. I need someone that is a little more human in order to feel a connection.

[SoConfused623]

Originally Posted by Bipolar Warrior

I have never felt particularly connected to my private therapist in the three and a half years that I have been seeing her. I like her, but we don't have some sort of deep and profound connection. She is just someone to talk to, and I often wonder if that is enough, especially after what I've had with my therapist at university. We just don't seem to bond; I could stop seeing her right now and it wouldn't have much of an impact on me. Is that sad?

The thing is, my uni therapist was relentless in her efforts to push me out of my comfort zone, and once she had done that I ended up attaching to her quite spectacularly. Because she was so open and honest about her own feelings, I began to open up to her as well, and it happened pretty much straight away; I felt connected to her during our first session. It kind of scared me. Over the year and a half I was seeing her I never once felt disconnected from her. We had some terrible ruptures, but they happened because the connection became too intense for me and I just wanted to run away from it. I wanted her to be my mum. I still do.

My private therapist is fairly reserved. She has commented a few times on how I seem to just describe things to her rather than exploring my feelings or whatever, and she's right, of course. I can't seem to do that with her. With my uni therapist it felt safe to do that, and to let myself feel the pain and cry if I had to, because I knew she would love me, then. She would come and sit next to me and hold me, and it was okay to be vulnerable because I was with my emotionally available mother. I've never felt that safe with anyone else, ever, and certainly not with my private therapist. It just doesn't feel right with her.

I guess I've never felt that "in-between" thing, fluctuating between connection and disconnection with the same therapist, so I have no idea what that is like. But I agree with Mona: if your therapist is a blank slate, it would be difficult to maintain a connection. I don't think a blank slate therapist would work for me at all.

I was so attached to my therapist and used to think about her 24/7 always wondering if she liked the same things that I did or wondering what she'd think about certain things that I said or did out of session. Now I'm feeling so disconnected that I too don't think that I would be devastated if I stopped seeing her. I more want to stay with her because she knows me so well and we've spent 2 years together and I just don't want to start over with someone new. So basically, I'm not sure if I should cut my losses or try to persevere and some how accept this way of hers. Again, I wish that she'd just meet me 10% of the way, that would make me very happy!

Originally Posted by SoConfused623

Yes, my T is a blank slate which is why I have this problem in the first place. I asked her to tell me a little bit about herself and she asked me to GUESS what I thought that she'd be into! I made a couple of guesses and then pushed back asking her to tell me and all that I got was she preferred baking (I had guessed that she liked cooking" and that she likes spending time outdoors. That's all that I she wants me to know.

I was so frustrated and ended up extensively googling her and found out a ton of info. Later I felt guilty and told her about my googling and about a couple of general things that I found. Luckily, I withheld a LOT fo what I had found. She was mad and while we have made amends for the most part, I still struggle with the fact that she won't tell me anything but on the other hand it's so frustrating that I know a lot but can't mention it!

There is always an underlying struggle like when I asked her where she was going on vacation and all that she gave me was the name of the state and then kind of stared at me. It makes me feel like I shouldn't ever ask any questions because I feel so rejected when she won't answer them.

I really wish that I knew the future and how this was all going to shake out.

The last sentence really struck me.from just reading your posts I can see that you give your t a lot of the power in relationship. She is not in charge, you do have a choice in your future and what happens in it!
I doubt your t will ever share anything especially since she got mad at you for googling! Which BTW is completely normal and unstandable, is your t curious as to why you googled and you really want to know more about her. Sounds like she reacted from an insecure place within herself instead of using this as a place to start working from.
I would feel rejected and ashamed too by her reaction. Maybe what you needed was understanding and a little reassurance that this is normal for clients. Maybe your t feels that by do using on her you are not doing your own work but this is the work. This is where you really find out your needs and wants within a safe relationship.

Originally Posted by SoConfused623

I feel like if she shared an anecdote or disclosed something that she had in common with me that it would do wonders for our connection. Or if she ever followed up on anything that I say, that would surely help.

This is what my current T is doing all the time in session. He is very interactive but not overwhelmingly so, just has a way of relating his own experiences/thoughts to mine and it works well to keep me relaxed and present. The way we interact is not asking intrusive questions out of the blue but expanding the ongoing conversation topic. For example, I think it is possible to learn a lot about someone from their opinions and reactions and it does not necessarily require knowing factual information about their life.

My former T (a psychoanalyst) was quite different, he rarely shared anything about himself in session and his reactions to what I shared were typically quite short. Sometimes would not just sit there looking at me and make some superficial comments. I always felt quite uncomfortable in sessions like that and usually told him, then he would become more interactive but far from current T.

I think it is perfectly fine to tell the therapist what we do and do not find helpful in their style.

[Bipolar Warrior]

Originally Posted by Xynesthesia

This is what my current T is doing all the time in session. He is very interactive but not overwhelmingly so, just has a way of relating his own experiences/thoughts to mine and it works well to keep me relaxed and present. The way we interact is not asking intrusive questions out of the blue but expanding the ongoing conversation topic. For example, I think it is possible to learn a lot about someone from their opinions and reactions and it does not necessarily require knowing factual information about their life.

I agree. I have sometimes had discussions with my therapist about TV shows, movies, and even Brexit because I was so mad about it. I have learned that we have a lot in common. She sometimes shares little things with me about her own life if it is relevant to the conversation we're having, which I also appreciate. I also know we grew up in similar families, so she can relate to the things I talk about. I've never actually had to ask her any questions, it just comes out naturally in conversation, which I guess is what happens when the therapist is not a blank slate. She is quite reserved (and compared to my uni therapist I think everyone is, lol), but she is not blank.

[SoConfused623]

Originally Posted by Bipolar Warrior

I agree. I have sometimes had discussions with my therapist about TV shows, movies, and even Brexit because I was so mad about it. I have learned that we have a lot in common. She sometimes shares little things with me about her own life if it is relevant to the conversation we're having, which I also appreciate. I also know we grew up in similar families, so she can relate to the things I talk about. I've never actually had to ask her any questions, it just comes out naturally in conversation, which I guess is what happens when the therapist is not a blank slate. She is quite reserved (and compared to my uni therapist I think everyone is, lol), but she is not blank.

The kind of relationship that you and Xynesthesia describe is exactly what I'm looking for! Sure I wanted some basic info on where she's from and where she lives, but I'm really just looking for her to sometimes share info that is about her but relevant to the conversation.

[Bipolar Warrior]

Originally Posted by SoConfused623

I was so attached to my therapist and used to think about her 24/7 always wondering if she liked the same things that I did or wondering what she'd think about certain things that I said or did out of session. Now I'm feeling so disconnected that I too don't think that I would be devastated if I stopped seeing her. I more want to stay with her because she knows me so well and we've spent 2 years together and I just don't want to start over with someone new. So basically, I'm not sure if I should cut my losses or try to persevere and some how accept this way of hers. Again, I wish that she'd just meet me 10% of the way, that would make me very happy!

I know a few things about my therapist, she shares opinions about things and sometimes things about her own personal life, like about her kids or her interests - we've talked about TV shows, for example. All comes out naturally, though.

But I understand attachment and obsession. I've felt that way about my uni therapist. I still do, don't think I'll ever get over it. I think about her all the time, it's quite sad, and I was heartbroken in our last session. Then again, she had met me at like, 150% (too much at times), so that was sort of inevitable.

I don't think you should have to accept anything you don't like from a therapist. Starting over with someone new might not be such a bad thing; you could move on to someone with a completely different approach, completely different personality, and who knows, maybe you'll click with them straight away and it'll be amazing! (Or maybe you'll connect with them in the very first session and it'll scare the everliving crap out of you. ) Your current therapist may know you, but do you feel like she truly understands you?