Ruptures

We will assume QM knows what she needs in a T and her assessment of her own situation is valid.
Unless you've been a gay person exposed to a really homophobic society I think it's presumptuous to judge.

I'm lucky enough to live in the US but grew up.in a very conservative church movement. My pastor counseled me that it would be better for me to KILL MYSELF than be gay.

I'm pretty sure no one says that about being adopted.

I tried all kinds of repartive/conversion methods before I accepted myself . it really wrecked a whole decade of my life and damaged my development as a young adult.

I see where QM is coming from. I don't know if you can really "demand" your T do something. But the viewpoints on homosexuality she is talking about are actively destructive and QM deserves a T who is not destructive towards her.

Right on Bay!!

I don't have anything else to add that hasn't already been said but I just wanted to say that being adopted or an alcoholic is indeed very painful but entirely different from being gay. I am not saying either is harder or worse but they are different and can't be compared unless you have experienced all three.
I do think it is a therapists job to educate themselves or they have no business claiming to be able to help clients when they have no education in this area. It's dangerous and can be very damaging. This is where ethics come into it and the therapist should no their limitations and refer.

I agree with this. I've seen in a few ways that mental health professionals sometimes easily claim that they can treat issues they do not have the necessary education and experience with. I can speak for the example of substance addictions as that is something I have struggled with. I find it upsetting, for example, when therapists argue that harm reduction approaches and trying to achieve some kind of moderation is the only realistic and sustainable way for addicts. Would never work for me, only total abstinence does, no matter how hard it is to maintain. I was particularly very angry with my former therapist when he minimized the impact and seriousness of my relapse. I was very desperate telling him that I would need to find serious help outside of therapy because one hour of talking a week does nothing for it. Then he criticized nearly every possibility I brought up and suggested that I should just go talk to him about it. WTF?! Clearly does not understand how addictions work and he claims it to be one of his specialty!

There were many other things also with this therapist that finally culminated in a gigantic web of conflicts that never got resolved and I left. He even blamed me for this, that I take the easy way out... Maybe, but his behavior was very harmful on me at the time.

It's easy for therapists to blame ex addicts ( sorry I don't like labelling) and say you took the easy way out. That to me is bull****! I am glad you got away from this therapist, his behaviour was harmful. I don't know a lot about addictions and I don't work with addicts but I know that when there is a relapse you take it seriously. It has repercussions for everyone who knows the person. I can see how helpful the AA programme is because they have dedicated sponsors who are there for continued support and encouragement. Therapy cannot provide that and an hour a week is not enough for a lot of people but especially someone who is struggling with an addiction.

I would feel ashamed too Rainbow as would most of us. I would feel shamed for having feelings towards her even though they were not you're feelings in this case. I would also feel ashamed on how she approached and addressed these feelings and put the blame on you further by saying she was meeting needs that your husband couldn't meet. That is a wild accusation. I would not be happy at all with that. There could have been a discussion about feelings around holding hands and what that means to you both before it was introduced. Then you're t would have known that it was a yearning from a very young part to be close to her.

I agree, she did not handle it well. I have had ts acknowledge my feelings, acknowledge my embarrassment about having them, and just ask me, "so what?" I was never brave enough or coherent enough to answer that, but it did not rupture the relationship in any way.

First of all, I do apologise for derailing the thread.

Awkwardly Yours, you're right on why I'm hammering T with this - it's because she believes she doesn't "need" training. I disagree with her (because I worry about implicit bias etc), even if yes I do understand where she's coming from in that gay, bi or straight, we all have the same human needs.

I could see another therapist in addition to T. The LGBT org I contacted said their counsellors can work with me on unpacking how abuse / painful life experiences affected my sexual orientation etc. They would refer me to a clinical psychologist if I have clinical symptoms however. I have clinical symptoms, which is why I'm seeing T who is a clinical psychologist, sigh. I'll have to see if I can see 2 Ts at the same time.

Since the thread is on ruptures, I do believe T and me can come to a point where this is resolved. I don't actually think I want to "win" in my demand, but I would be glad if I and her can come to understand where we're both coming from.

I am aware that I kvetch on this sticking point quite a lot on PC. A lot of people here try conversion therapy, even those with loving upbringings. Have talked to some.

Again, I apologise for the derail.

In defense of my T, she and I knew that it was a child part who wanted to hold her hand, right from the start. There was no problem with it for a long time because she knew that. But we also knew there was a part who was "in love with her", or more likely it was a combination of a crush and erotic transference. So, maybe that's what she meant when she said I was "crossing over." It was all in that one session. I can see why she thought it. It was a confusing session and I was self-conscious about holding her hand. She probably misinterpreted that.

I don't know why I didn't see this as a rupture. I felt disappointed because next to emailing, holding T's hand was the best thing about therapy! I liked being with her no matter what. I still do. The power of the connection and attachment kept me going. Every so often I would tell T " it wasn't sexual" and asked if she believed me. She said she did so I wasn't upset. She also wanted to know what would be so awful if I were bisexual. We talked about that too. I think it's my T's willingness to talk about our relationship as much as I need to that has helped me the most. Sorry if this is a little off topic.

My T has no addiction training. I've remained sober in the 13yrs I've been seeing her. Infact the 'addiction professionals' were just reeling of the party line. No growth to be had there.

Right. You're the expert on you and what has been useful in your therapy. It is a really great thing that you have a T whose skills and personality are compatible with your needs. However you cannot reasonably extrapolate from that experience that no one needs a T with specialized training or that somehow the fault lies with the client for being unable to get their needs met.

In my experience as a queer person with a straight T (who to my knowledge did not receive specialized training in LGBT issues), what has been invaluable to me has been her unwavering belief that my knowledge and experience are valid. If she had minimized my experience by suggesting that everyone struggles with something and we are all human and similar happy horseshit, it would have been tremendously invalidating. Personal hardship and systemic oppression, though not mutually exclusive, deserve to be understood as separate entities and, IMHO, analogies between them should be drawn carefully and infrequently.

I said "we all have struggles". A skilled T understands the human condition. You don't need special training. They understand already what's ones personal struggles would be.
I think the person who I originally replied too had a T denying get sexuality. That's just ridiculous. I think if someone is reading and thinks only a T specialising in particular avenues will be limited. It doesn't have to be that way

Another example of a T needing training/specialization for is BPD. Even though treating PTSD is very similar and has similar symptoms, training in PTSD is not enough to treat BPD. I learned that from ex-T who thought it was enough.

An ex DBT group T also thought he could control a group for DBT that included people with BPD because he ran a men's group before, and he completely failed.

And my fiance once went to an anger management group where the T thought he knew what he was doing simply because he was following a book!

So yes I agree that Ts need training to deal with particular issues. If they don't, they could do a lot of damage (like ex-T did to me)

I just want to say that none of my Ts had special training in BPD. They treated ME, not my diagnosis.

I never said they didn't treat ME... Have you tried a T who has experience/specialization with BPD? Maybe that would help you more?

I found that each T helped me in different ways. My current T suggested DBT and I found it useful but it didn't solve all of my problems. Yes, it would have been interesting to see how a specialist would have treated me, but not one of my 5 Ts ever recommended one. Now that I'm doing so much better, I have no need to see anyone else. I do agree that experience and training usually make a difference but not always.

I do think a wide variety of training is likely to be helpful for a therapist who is on his or her way to becoming a skilled T. Surely training is one of the ways a therapist develops skills.

No need to apologise at all QM. This thread is going in many different directions but all interesting and important. At one stage I considered conversion therapy too because it was just too difficult to accept being gay.
I didn't have a loving upbringing or accepting parents so I understand why it's difficult for me to accept myself. I think if my parents had of been loving and accepting of course it would have been easier for me but then there is the whole question of society and our environment which judge and make assumptions. I don't think being gay is never easy no matter what your upbringing is.