Counsellor appears dismissive of my issue

Hi, all.

I've been out of the loop here for a while, having recently discovered that the issue that initially brought me here was not as it initially seemed.

Back in 2008, I came to know a woman in Tennessee via a forum dedicated to the former Beatle George Harrison. We became quite close, and she was a significant source of support for me during the time where I was grieving the loss of another friend from that community.

Around the time we first got to know one another, she lost her fiancé to colon cancer, and developed an eating disorder as a result of the emotional trauma.
Every time she was hospitalised, I would receive emails from family members...allegedly keeping me in the loop, but in reality exposing me to a level of detail with which I would never have been comfortable.

This cycle persisted for three years, until I received an email in January 2011 informing me that 'Kim' had died. I was angry and devastated in equal measure. I maintained contact with the family members and friends, because I didn't see any other way.

A couple of years later, Kim's mother offered to send me photographs. I initially said yes, but thought better of it. Late on Christmas Day 2013, I received a number of emails with photographs and YouTube videos that they claimed were Kim.

The YouTube videos didn't add up, being that other people were credited in the descriptions. So, I Googled the photos, and found that they could all be found on other websites, which were nothing to do with anybody by the name of the person with whom I'd been in contact.

Doing more research over the last few months, I have come to the conclusion that this person almost certainly didn't die, and probably didn't exist. The realisation of this has brought me to my knees, and also to my counsellor.

I explained a shortened version after the self-report evaluation section of our first session. Her response was 'And you can't just let this go?'

I wanted to maintain composure, so I didn't discuss it with her then, but I feel as though her comment was dismissive of the complexities of the issue.

Next session Tuesday....we'll see how it goes.

This situation must have been very painful for you, and actually something similar happened right here on this board a while ago, so I'm sure others around here can empathise too.
It does seem like she didn't realise how traumatic the experience has been for you. It must feel terribly invaldating. Do you think you can speak to your counsellor about this?
I had a situation earlier this year where my therapist didn't realise how much my relationship with my first therapist had hurt me and minimised my experience. I ended up getting quite frustrated with him and telling him he didn't get it. After that he started to realise he had misstepped and became much more validating.
I think communication could be key for you here. I hope she responds in a validating way at your next session.

Thanks, Echos. Absolutely...I think that's what I'm struggling with. I'm going to have to say something, but was hoping for a smoother run up. We only have 5 sessions to work on this now. I wanted to say 'Really?' when she first came out with that...'If I could just let it go, do you think I would be here now?'

Yeah, there were a variety of possible responses that went through my head, but none came out of my mouth. I just went on to say 'This person supported me through another traumatic situation, and I trusted them with aspects of my emotional life, and was then trusted with certain emotional aspects of theirs that turned out to be ********.'

Counsellor's letter to my GP also makes reference to 'letting it go' as part of my goal...I need her to define what she means by that, stat.

Oh , how many times do we hear " Why don't you just let this go ? " Like it was that easy - we would all do it. And it coming from therapists and counsellors is even worse. Like Echos mentioned we see it here too. It was happening in another part of the forum that someone was playing out a persona other than themselves. I wasn't involved but I watched the fallout from it. Even people we know or think we know are often not what they seem. All sorts of feelings are hit , deception , betrayal , trusting , and it's painful. I'm sorry you're going through this.

Hmm, is that part of your goal? Or has she made a judgement that it should be part of your goal? I wouldn't like that type of presumption to be honest.
I would have a think about what you would like to achieve from the next five sessions. It's very short term therapy so it's important that you and T are on the same page about the goals from the outset.

It's a stellar example of putting words into my mouth...an addition to what I actually said, which focused on coming to terms with the feelings that have arisen, and regaining interest in my former passions and hobbies. I need to externalise this, otherwise it's going to consume me.

That's a horrible answer and I see how that would get you upset. Obviously if you're bring it to her attention it's because it's an issue. Perhaps she didn't mean to sound dismissive although I would take it the same way. I think that there are certain phrases in therapy that are used over and over again which should be omitted. "Let it go" is definitely one of those phrases that should not be used. I heard the same from my T. I felt like it minimized may situation and made it unimportant. It's almost the same as saying deal with it. I would bring it up to your T in the next session.

Thanks, Sarmas. I fully intend to, though I'm not sure how without immediately starting off on the defensive. I believe I will need to do so before the self-report evaluation element of the session. I'm sorry you had the same experience.

For my mental wellbeing, I have decided that I am going to reframe my goal...hopefully with P's agreement.

'My goal is to begin coming to terms with the experience I have endured, and find safe ways of externalising the pent up emotions I am currently withholding.'

I still need to have a conversation with her about the concept of 'letting it go', but feel stronger in the wake of having made this proactive decision.

I like it. And actually, what you describe seems like a healthy "letting go".

I can't help wondering what is the point of seeking validation from a complete stranger, for any issue. It's a bizarre transaction, to pay someone to validate your experience. If they do, you don't know if it's genuine, and it might end up feeling patronizing. If they don't, you feel offended and ripped off.

Sorry, maybe this is a tangent. I just don't understand the basic paradigm anymore.

Wow. You are being generous to go to a second session. Please let us know how it goes.

Maybe your therapist genuinely meant well. I don't mean to tell you what to feel. Do you get the feeling you can talk to your therapist about your feelings? Being its short term therapy I kind of think it might be a good idea to speak out Yes let it go can be very insensitive. IMHO it depends on the situation though. Your experience definitely sounds quite dramatic to go through. It seems like a matter of trust and believability.

Wow, what an awful experience--why would they string you along like that? for money or something? it sounds extremely weird and upsetting. I once had an online "friendship" that turned out badly and was very troubling to me, I think the emotional attachments we feel are real but the people in question sometimes not what we think. I'm sorry that your T didn't get the gravity of the situation. Maybe if you can talk about it at greater length, what your feelings are about it, she may be more useful.

Thank you all for your insights. An hour and a half to go until my next session, where I will present my new goal, and try to explain why I feel uncomfortable with 'letting it go'.

Salmon...I'm not sure why they did it...I think it was an attention thing, because they never asked for money.

Perhaps the type of therapy your T practises isn't helpful.
After all we go to therapy to learn to understand. Letting go is all well once we have a handle on it.

Hi, all.

I'm out of session now. We managed to step back from the earlier comment. P thinks my starting a support group for people who've been through similar things would be a good first step towards empowerment.

I am open to the idea, but think being able to cry would be a better first step.

My most painful experiences were being "led on" by people I most trusted. One were therapists themselves and the other was a neighborhood couple I spent much time with. The husband turned out to be kind of a pervert. These episodes left me with a vulnerability that reverberated for years.

There is an MTV program called "Catfish" that explores these stories both from the victim and perp's viewpoint. The program allows viewers to "meet" the imposter on the other end. From the couple of episodes I saw, the perps were desperate and pitiable. (A different catfishing story with a tragic outcome was told in Talhotblond. )

I'm not young and yet have been fooled online, albeit as a simple spectator. I pride myself with having a good "detector," particularly on the page. These incidents always are jolting.

Thank you, missbella. I watched the feature length documentary when I first discovered what I had been subjected to. It helped, yet I still need to deal with the fallout.

Jolting is one way of putting it.

There actually has been someone on this board who did this. I know how invalidating that would be to hear from a therapist especially when you thought you were being caring and supportive to a person and find out that they are deceitful and not who they say they are. It would bother me also.

I wish I could retitle this thread...after a conversation with a dear friend, I have realised that P and I are actually heading in the direction I am aiming for. It feels like hell, because it is...this hurts. Hopefully I will be able to explain the scale and multifaceted nature of this, with the aid of a timeline drawn out with my friend. Where we go from there is anybody's guess.

Session 3 today...

I still wonder whether P and I are speaking the same language. She communicated her understanding of this through reference to an advert for Sky box sets featuring Idris Elba. I need to grieve this, move forward and not start the cycle again, the way he did in the advert. She also said I need to stop being obsessed with it...and then issued my challenge.
I'm advised to temper any thoughts that come up this week with 'I have an appointment with that stuff next Tuesday...'
We'll see how that goes. Feeling a million miles away from being supported to express these emotions safely.