Horrible session

Okay, going to swim against the tide here.

Rainbow's therapist has always struck me as very patient and kind - not perfect, but very high quality. The therapist and rainbow have moved past a lot of issues together about boundaries - Googling, house drive-bys, etc. - that the therapist wasn't keen on. They've negotiated about emails out of session. And yet the therapist has stuck by rainbow although rainbow often feared she wouldn't. The therapist actually remembered the day rainbow had surgery, and came to her house after her husband's death.

Rainbow, it was just a bad session, probably because boundaries are such a sensitive place for both of you. I've had at least one bad session with every therapist I've seen. I agree, move on, but it sounds like any mistakes made were unintentional. It's not even a session over which I would assign fault to either of you; you guys came in with two different visions of the session and your therapy, so maybe the thing to do is to sit down next time and get on the same page about what your next steps in therapy should be.

Just wanted to say that I am sorry it went badly and you are feeling so upset, Rainbow. I know you are working hard on this and try work is very painful. You are doing good work.

Hi Rainbow, I'm glad you know that your therapist didn't ask you to think deeply all week long about wanting to know about her boyfriend. And I don't see that she was being invalidating by bringing your session back to you. She's been pretty consistent throughout. I laughed about the George Clooney part because it made me think she's got her own transference issues, but it's good that she thinks he looks like a movie star and not, say, a bloated and aging politician. It wasn't the best thing for her to say that to you, but on balance, it's not a sign of bad therapy.

I agree with @@...chalk it up to a bad session. They feel like crap, but they happen. I have had them, and they don't feel survivable. But seeing that they are survivable, and stasis is restored, is helpful in and of itself.

I don't disagree that the therapist generally seems patient and seems to work well with rainbow. But I find it troubling that her boundaries have been quite confusing and contradictory (think about why/don't tell me why and I'm not going to talk about it/he looks like George Clooney). I don't feel comfortable with rainbow blaming herself for something she didn't do.
Atat has a great point that the two of you need to work together to get back on the same page. I think part of that must be developing a dialogue about what's happening and hopefully a responsiveness by your therapist to be open to accepting that she has upset you by contradicting herself. Sometimes bumps in the road can strengthen the relationship too.

Im a little confused.
Were the questions you were reading that she did not want to hear questions you'd journaled asking yourself why you wanted to know about T's BF. Like " i am asking myself if i want to know because i am still mourning my marriage"

Or were they questions about the BF, like "what does he look like"?

I wasn't sure from the OP and i guess to me my judgement of T's decisions is pretty dependant on what the questions actually were.

I would personally be fine with the whole shifting gears thing, actually I would be thankful if the T tried to move me out of my fixation. But the George Clooney thing... if it's a joke, I think it's cool but if not, just childish IMO.

It doesn't matter what I think but only what you think Rainbow because she is your therapist and it's your therapy. It sounds like a really painful session. I can see how you would feel shAmed and my senses is that your t would deliberately shame you but somewhere in your communication with each other there was a misattunement and a contact rupture.
Sounds as though you both had different agendas and were singing off a different hymsheet. There is no blame here only learning. I really hear the little rainbow who craves her ts attention and gets jealous of her boyfriend. It sounds like a very young place rainbow like how we get jealous of our parents relationship with each other. I think this is where your t gets misattuned sometimes because she talks with the adult part who then gets shamed for having these feelings but let me assure you that these feelings are perfectly normal, we are all curious about our ts and their private lives and that's when it gets confusing. They give us information and then they withdraw, I see this happening with my own t. They get confused with their relationship with us, they realise they have overshared and that it will feed into our transference and they withdraw. We get confused, hurt and shamed. It's a horrible process but there is learning in it for you and your t. She is human and will make mistakes but you work well with her and she " the good enough therapist" who will make mistakes and who will do the wrong thing but I don't believe it's on purpose or conscious. Your t is in a new relationship and a part of her is like an excited schoolgirl wanting to tell everyone but then gets scared of losing him.

One more thing. It seems like, more than other posters, I attract a few people who like to somewhat viciously attack me or my T. I wonder why that is.

Some people think she's a good enough therapist. Apparently 'good enough' is 'telling your client your boyfriend looks like George Clooney'. I think that's setting the bar really very low indeed, but people get to decide what they put up with. As I've said, I'm shocked at the things people put up with on this forum simply because they can't imagine not seeing their therapists. Personally, no therapist is worth my self respect.

I think that when you tell her how that hurt you, she'll enjoy it. She already knows it hurt you. She saw it hurt you the moment she said it. And, more than that, I believe she said it to hurt you. It's fun for her. The same way she enjoys your feelings of inadequacy around weight, dress, artistic prowess. This therapist has a client who comes in week after week and pays to tell her how wonderful she is. That must be very gratifying for her. Someone thinks the world of her and no matter what she does, or how many barbs she throws their way (even a twelve year old girl knows that saying your boyfriend is super hot is a good way to make other girls jealous), keeps coming back, just begging for attention.

The alternative is to believe that your experienced therapist has less social awareness than a tween. She's either incompetent or malevolent, and I don't think either of those things is 'good enough'.

Some people seem unable to process that some therapists are narcissists who just love people who come to them wounded and ready to worship them. And of course, these narcissists have to pretend to be caring and loving and healing, because that's the way they hook the client. Once the client is hooked though, that's when the games begin. It makes total sense that the client would love the therapist. You can't abuse someone who doesn't love you! You have to make them love you first so they'll keep coming back to be poked and prodded.

If you think paying a woman to tell you that her boyfriend looks like George Clooney is healing for you, then that's all well and good. From a distance however, this looks like anything other than a therapeutic relationship. It looks like one of those high school mean girls relationships where the popular girl keeps a less attractive, less popular girl around for the sole purpose of bolstering her ego.

Anthropologize - you've been on this forum two months. Have you taken the time to go back and read the extensive number of threads and posts about rainbow and her therapist?

If you have, kudos...but if you had, it might not come down to George Clooney for you. Talk about a reductio ad absurdum.

I cant believe you had to google george clooney. I think she may have said him, just to say the richest and best looking and most available, like James Bond. But my t doesnt keep up with current fads and stuff, so i have had to modify my use of it in session, so i do get that.

One more thing. It seems like, more than other posters, I attract a few people who like to somewhat viciously attack me or my T. I wonder why that is.

Thanks, ruhroh. It's possible he DOES look a little like George Klooney. I don't see why not. Yeah, it was a bad session but it's over. I can move on.

Thank you. I'm not sure my T has totally contradicted herself. Idk. I'm feeling better about it because I liked her email. I don't feel so upset anymore.

The questions were about her and her bf, like, does she love him, how is he different from her ex, things that are too personal. I wasn't originally planning to read them out loud anyway. T DID listen to my answer as to how it came into my mind that I wanted to know. I said because it seemed natural, that our session was lighter than usual, and it seemed like we were friends. So I asked. I didn't think it would be a big deal. She doesn't think it would help me, and that's also her boundary. I understand her reasoning. I think she was just too abrupt and that was what triggered me. I'll tell her that when I see her next, I think.

Thats it, george clooney is like the robert redford for the millennials.

Isn't it an open forum to share a variety of personal experiences and opinions?

I personally don't see what the big deal is that she said that? I am trying to imagine being jealous of my T, and wanting to know what her partner looked like...and she tells me by giving me a reference, seems to make sense.

I think seeing his actual photo is different from saying he looks like someone. I don't think it was a joke or childish. I don't remember so clearly but I think she said people say he looks like G.C., not just that she thinks so. I suppose I will tell her that maybe she shouldn't have said anything. Actually, it's irrelevant. I'm jealous of T because she has someone and I'm alone.

I like what you wrote, Mona. I have the small parts who want T to myself. Correct. But I also have an adult part who would like to maybe have a partner again. I'm not sure. I know my T tries to do her best for all of her clients. I think she got frustrated because we've talked a lot about why we can't be friends and my wanting to be in her life and there's no answer except to build up my Self and radically accept the reality of the therapeutic relationship.

Just one thing though, Mona. In the beginning of the session T said she wasn't going to show me his picture, even before I started reading my journal. It was near the end of the session after I said it just seems natural for me to want to see, that she made her comment about GC. So she reversed herself but was firm on not showing me a photo. I may have asked if he was cute. I don't think my T wants me to not feelings about her and her bf. She just wanted to bring it back to my life not hers.