[rainbow8]

I didn't think about T all last week because I was preoccupied with some new ventures in my life. One involved a man. It's not going to work out, but I was totally focused on that possible relationship instead of my therapy. I emailed T but only to tell her what was happening. My whole session was spent talking about my experience! I had a lot to say!

After my session I felt sad because I think I'm distancing myself from T. I don't want to do that. I still need her especially since the relationship with the guy is over. I was upbeat but now I'm back to normal. It was MY idea to break it off with him which gives me a sense of empowerment. It was a learning experience.

I emailed T that I didn't want her to be less important to me even though that's the goal. I told her I still need her. She emailed back to be curious about the feelings of not thinking about her and moving away, and we will talk about it next week.

I was somewhere today with people and it was hard to not cry. I feel like I'm going through growing pains! I don't want to separate from T. I want our relationship to stay the same but it's happening in spite of what I want. Or it could have been the excitement of a possible male in my life. Yet I'm growing in other ways too. I don't want to grow away from T. Has anyone had this dilemma?

Yes, I understand. I have maternal transference with my T and I'm very close with her which is why I fight her getting so close sometimes. I feel myself go through growth spurts where I feel more independent of her and it freaks me out because not ready to let go. It's hard and confusing.

[MobiusPsyche]

I've been feeling similarly about my T lately. Like, I am not quite as desperate to see her as I usually am. It's upsetting to me because somehow I interpret it to mean that we're growing apart but it doesn't have to mean that. It may be that the connection is changing, not going away.

PS Your T's comment about being curious... That sounds exactly like something my T would say!!!

[ScarletPimpernel]

I'm starting to not be so attached to my T. I think because our semi-termination is coming up and I'm getting used to the idea. It's hard though. Part of me wants to grab on and never let go, and the other part is telling myself that everything is okay. I'm just choosing to go with the flow. If I "freak out", I'll just talk to my T about it. Luckily, I will have weekly contact with her even after termination.

It's okay that you're gaining some independence from your T. It's a good time to practice while your T is still there. When you get nervous or afraid, she's there for you. But when you feel like taking your steps, you can do that too. Think of like a baby learning to walk. The baby is gaining independence, but mom is still around.

[Elio]

Yes, yes, and yes. There is a big part of me that doesn't want to be independent from t and there is a big part of me that doesn't want to need her like I do. Then there is the part of me that knows this is how it goes. Lately, I have been feeling the growth of infant/toddler level dependency to young child/early elementary school dependence/independence. There are many times where I miss that younger connection and I want it back. I very much feel like this whole process is about growing up again.

I wonder for those of you that switch t's after 2-3 yrs, do you find that you go back through this type of connection and growth with the new t? I also wonder for those that find they are in an impasse after that 2-3 yrs, if it isn't something to do with hitting the "growth" spot of teenagerism and either as clients or as t's the relationship can't survive that period.

[rainbow8]

Originally Posted by AmethystFaery

Yes, I understand. I have maternal transference with my T and I'm very close with her which is why I fight her getting so close sometimes. I feel myself go through growth spurts where I feel more independent of her and it freaks me out because not ready to let go. It's hard and confusing.

Thank you, AmethystFaery. I agree it's hard and confusing. I'm not ready to let go but I think T thinks I am.

Originally Posted by MobiusPsyche

I've been feeling similarly about my T lately. Like, I am not quite as desperate to see her as I usually am. It's upsetting to me because somehow I interpret it to mean that we're growing apart but it doesn't have to mean that. It may be that the connection is changing, not going away.

PS Your T's comment about being curious... That sounds exactly like something my T would say!!!

Thanks, Mobius. Does your T do IFS? I think that's where the "let's be curious" comes from. That's a good way to look at it--we're not growing apart but the connection is changing. I feel like climbing into her arms and saying "I still need you!"

Originally Posted by ScarletPimpernel

I'm starting to not be so attached to my T. I think because our semi-termination is coming up and I'm getting used to the idea. It's hard though. Part of me wants to grab on and never let go, and the other part is telling myself that everything is okay. I'm just choosing to go with the flow. If I "freak out", I'll just talk to my T about it. Luckily, I will have weekly contact with her even after termination.

It's okay that you're gaining some independence from your T. It's a good time to practice while your T is still there. When you get nervous or afraid, she's there for you. But when you feel like taking your steps, you can do that too. Think of like a baby learning to walk. The baby is gaining independence, but mom is still around.

Thank you, Scarlet. I'm glad you are still going to have weekly contact with your T when you quit. Yes, it feels like baby steps away from Mom, but now I want to run back to her!

Originally Posted by Elio

Yes, yes, and yes. There is a big part of me that doesn't want to be independent from t and there is a big part of me that doesn't want to need her like I do. Then there is the part of me that knows this is how it goes. Lately, I have been feeling the growth of infant/toddler level dependency to young child/early elementary school dependence/independence. There are many times where I miss that younger connection and I want it back. I very much feel like this whole process is about growing up again.

I wonder for those of you that switch t's after 2-3 yrs, do you find that you go back through this type of connection and growth with the new t? I also wonder for those that find they are in an impasse after that 2-3 yrs, if it isn't something to do with hitting the "growth" spot of teenagerism and either as clients or as t's the relationship can't survive that period.

Thanks, Elio. Sometimes I wish I were just starting therapy again with my T! Seven years is a long time, and I know I've been growing but I wish I could feel that ecstasy of first holding her hand, for example. Maybe I will ask if I could again, just for a recharge. I hate endings, always have. I don't want T to mean less to me.

I have seen 5 other Ts but I didn't grow the way I am with this T. I think I was stuck in baby stages. Now I go back and forth between the various stages. I don't think you necessarily start over with each new T.

[brillskep]

Is it possible to grow and still care about your therapist, even if in a different way?

It sounds like you are struggling between either growing or caring / being close to your therapist. I don't see these as mutually exclusive, personally. Relationships always change too - perhaps this is a moment of big changes in your life and maybe that will include your therapeutic relationship.

I hope you'll find some relief from this struggle.

[rainbow8]

Originally Posted by brillskep

Is it possible to grow and still care about your therapist, even if in a different way?

It sounds like you are struggling between either growing or caring / being close to your therapist. I don't see these as mutually exclusive, personally. Relationships always change too - perhaps this is a moment of big changes in your life and maybe that will include your therapeutic relationship.

I hope you'll find some relief from this struggle.

Thanks, brillskep. I suppose you're right that growing doesn't mean I can't be just as close to my T as I have always been. But I think she will encourage me to see her less often, which I don't want to do, except that it makes sense in light of paying her more.

I worry that as I am getting older I will want her support more, not less! I am trying to shift some of my medical concerns to my doctor instead of my T, but T is who I confide in about medical problems, especially since she's interested in the mind/body connection.

I put myself in this dilemma: offering to pay more, still needing T a lot, but thinking I should see her less even if I don't want to. I guess I will talk to her about it at my next session.

At the moment, I feel like holding her hand, which I haven't asked for in months. Just to make sure she will still let me.

I really think you should tell her that you have been wanting to hold her hand Rainbow. Sounds like a lot of attachment stuff is kicking off in your relationship with her. You want her but feel you shouldn't want her, you don't need her as much but you still crave affection from her. It does sound like the very young Rainbow and that because you are paying her more now you feel you should cut down on seeing her and I wonder if this is your voice or your late husbands telling you that you shouldn't go as often, it costs too much. I really hope that you listen to the little rainbow that really wants to be comforted by her t, and allow that part to be nurtured.

[rainbow8]

Originally Posted by monalisasmile

I really think you should tell her that you have been wanting to hold her hand Rainbow. Sounds like a lot of attachment stuff is kicking off in your relationship with her. You want her but feel you shouldn't want her, you don't need her as much but you still crave affection from her. It does sound like the very young Rainbow and that because you are paying her more now you feel you should cut down on seeing her and I wonder if this is your voice or your late husbands telling you that you shouldn't go as often, it costs too much. I really hope that you listen to the little rainbow that really wants to be comforted by her t, and allow that part to be nurtured.

You're a mind reader, Mona!!! A small part wants Mommy. Or maybe a scared adult part too! T is stability in the midst of all the changes in my life. I want to hold onto her until I have someone else to hold onto. In spite of having myself and friends. I have trouble spending that much money on myself. Even before I was married, I didn't spend much, but definitely my late husband's disapproving voice is loud also. T may also disapprove of my still wanting her! Last week I was fine because I was totally focused on my life outside of therapy. Now it's not so clear where I am.

[kecanoe]

I find myself in a similar place with T1. On the one hand, I miss how in the past when I was upset/anxious/switchy/whatever I could think about him or when the next appt was or send a text and feel connected and feel better. On the other hand, I do like that I think about him a whole lot less.

Rainbow, I wonder if your ability to feel some interest in a man is due to your growth in therapy?

[rainbow8]

Originally Posted by kecanoe

I find myself in a similar place with T1. On the one hand, I miss how in the past when I was upset/anxious/switchy/whatever I could think about him or when the next appt was or send a text and feel connected and feel better. On the other hand, I do like that I think about him a whole lot less.

Rainbow, I wonder if your ability to feel some interest in a man is due to your growth in therapy?

Thank you, kecanoe. I'm not sure of the answer to your question, but I know that I'm more comfortable with people in general than I was before therapy, particularly therapy with my current T.