So frustrated with last session and T

ScrewedUpMe · Mar 06, 2017, 03:47 AM

Hi All,

Just wanting to vent today...I am SO frustrated. I had a bad session last week with T. Something was just really off. I wasn't in the best of moods maybe (but I have BPD and my moods fluctuate all over the place all of the time). I am aware that I was a little negative and maybe finding holes in T's suggestions. For some reason I started to shut down...I wasn't finding the session at all helpful and my anxiety was going through the roof and when that happens I just freeze and start to whisper instead of talking in my normal voice. I asked to leave and I did but it was very awkward. T was different. Not her usual warm self and she looked either angry, frustrated or worried when I left. I don't know which but it wasn't normal. I agonized over reaching out to T over the weekend as my husband was away and I was struggling really badly with depression and feeling guilty for having left T early because I felt she was offended. So I sent a short mail to T and her reply was also not her normal style. We had a very small exchange of emails but her answers were short and not at all warm like normal. I was/am convinced she is really angry with me for my behaviour and that she took my leaving as a personal insult.

I was in such a state last night that my husband emailed T asking to talk to her today (against my wishes). T responded that she is sorry she can't today because it is a year since her father's death. I KNEW she had something going on. I sensed that she was off. And infact I had the same problem exactly one year ago and I remember contacting T and her replying and saying she couldn't talk and would explain later and it turned out her father had died.

See, I get that T has stuff going on. That's allowed. But I think she is unable to keep it out of the therapy room. We had a session before Christmas where T was SO distracted and spent the whole session looking down at her nails and picking the nail varnish off! I feel that she shouldn't be working and least of all with a BPD client when she has her own stuff going on.

I know I should feel sympathetic to her circumstances but I just feel so angry. It sets me back SO much when there are issues in the relationship. And now I have to pay for a session that was really not useful at all as I sensed T was not quite right and then spend weeks trying to fix it. I want to quit. I don't want my husband to talk to T. I feel like I'm on a rollercoaster in this relationship. I never asked for outside contact, to be allowed to email, text, call whenever I wanted to. T offered and insisted on all of it. But her replies over the weekend were so off for her, even my husband agreed and it affects me so deeply. I feel so lost. And unable to see a way forward

dtrain0802 · Mar 06, 2017, 05:46 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ScrewedUpMe

Hi All,

Just wanting to vent today...I am SO frustrated. I had a bad session last week with T. Something was just really off. I wasn't in the best of moods maybe (but I have BPD and my moods fluctuate all over the place all of the time). I am aware that I was a little negative and maybe finding holes in T's suggestions. For some reason I started to shut down...I wasn't finding the session at all helpful and my anxiety was going through the roof and when that happens I just freeze and start to whisper instead of talking in my normal voice. I asked to leave and I did but it was very awkward. T was different. Not her usual warm self and she looked either angry, frustrated or worried when I left. I don't know which but it wasn't normal. I agonized over reaching out to T over the weekend as my husband was away and I was struggling really badly with depression and feeling guilty for having left T early because I felt she was offended. So I sent a short mail to T and her reply was also not her normal style. We had a very small exchange of emails but her answers were short and not at all warm like normal. I was/am convinced she is really angry with me for my behaviour and that she took my leaving as a personal insult.

I was in such a state last night that my husband emailed T asking to talk to her today (against my wishes). T responded that she is sorry she can't today because it is a year since her father's death. I KNEW she had something going on. I sensed that she was off. And infact I had the same problem exactly one year ago and I remember contacting T and her replying and saying she couldn't talk and would explain later and it turned out her father had died.

See, I get that T has stuff going on. That's allowed. But I think she is unable to keep it out of the therapy room. We had a session before Christmas where T was SO distracted and spent the whole session looking down at her nails and picking the nail varnish off! I feel that she shouldn't be working and least of all with a BPD client when she has her own stuff going on.

I know I should feel sympathetic to her circumstances but I just feel so angry. It sets me back SO much when there are issues in the relationship. And now I have to pay for a session that was really not useful at all as I sensed T was not quite right and then spend weeks trying to fix it. I want to quit. I don't want my husband to talk to T. I feel like I'm on a rollercoaster in this relationship. I never asked for outside contact, to be allowed to email, text, call whenever I wanted to. T offered and insisted on all of it. But her replies over the weekend were so off for her, even my husband agreed and it affects me so deeply. I feel so lost. And unable to see a way forward

You do, in fact, realize your therapist IS NOT PERFECT, right? SHE IS A HUMAN BEING!

There are going to be days - for example, the yearly anniversary of a traumatic experience of losing a parent - when a person doesn't or isn't capable of bringing their "A" game to the table. It happens to everybody.

Argonautomobile · Mar 06, 2017, 06:53 AM

It's true that T's are human, but I think it's okay to be frustrated and disappointed when you pay someone to help you and they are unable to do that.

My T has not brought his "A" game to the table many times in the two years I've seen him. I'm sympathetic--everybody has 'off' days, after all--but I also skip a few sessions and/or lower my expectations.

If I were not in a position to do those things, I would consider finding a new therapist.

I hope you find a solution that works for you.

lucozader · Mar 06, 2017, 06:56 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by dtrain0802

You do, in fact, realize your therapist IS NOT PERFECT, right? SHE IS A HUMAN BEING!

There are going to be days - for example, the yearly anniversary of a traumatic experience of losing a parent - when a person doesn't or isn't capable of bringing their "A" game to the table. It happens to everybody.

I agree - the nail-picking session sounds terrible though...

ScrewedUpMe · Mar 06, 2017, 07:42 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by dtrain0802

You do, in fact, realize your therapist IS NOT PERFECT, right? SHE IS A HUMAN BEING!

There are going to be days - for example, the yearly anniversary of a traumatic experience of losing a parent - when a person doesn't or isn't capable of bringing their "A" game to the table. It happens to everybody.

Yes I do realise she is human and not perfect and did infact acknowledge that in my original post. I did not post here to be judged for feeling the way I do. Of course T's have their own stuff going on from time to time, but it does affect clients and clients are entitled to those feelings.

Myrto · Mar 06, 2017, 08:01 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by dtrain0802

You do, in fact, realize your therapist IS NOT PERFECT, right? SHE IS A HUMAN BEING!

There are going to be days - for example, the yearly anniversary of a traumatic experience of losing a parent - when a person doesn't or isn't capable of bringing their "A" game to the table. It happens to everybody.

And you do realize that therapists are being paid to keep their own stuff out of therapy? That's their ****ing job. If anytime somebody screws up, they pull the "oh I'm just a human being" excuse, then nobody is responsible for anything anymore. OP, I'm sorry your therapist was being completely unprofessional. If it was so hard for her, she just should have cancelled. Like you say, you now have to pay for sessions to "repair" this relationship. Hugs.

stopdog · Mar 06, 2017, 08:08 AM

It doesn't matter whether a therapist is human or not. They are being paid to perform a job and if they can't do their job they should cancel the appointment, find a different job, or suck it up and do it right. If they have some sort of a yearly problem, that's easy enough to plan around. Take a week off, see their own therapist, or they can lie in bed in the dark weeping for all I care. But don't screw with clients, take their money and expect to be excused because oh no they're human

ScrewedUpMe · Mar 06, 2017, 08:16 AM

Thank you Myrto and thank you Stopdog for validating my experience. This is exactly how I feel about it. They are being paid (alot of money) for their time and I totally agree, if they are not up to it, they should just cancel. I would much prefer that. At least then I only lose one session and not months trying to rebuild my trust in the relationship. Not to mention the four hour round trip that I also do to see T in the first place!

nottrustin · Mar 06, 2017, 09:02 AM

It is very complicated. I have had sessions that I felt like T wasn't herself and I walked away frustrated and upset. At the time I didn't know what was going on so I took it personally.

What I had to remind myself was that some of the qualities I liked most about her were the fact is that she is real, she shows some emotion (appropriate) and that she is a normal person just like everbody else. Unfortunately those qualities mean she may sometimes not be on her A game. I also have to remind myself that as hard as I try to leave my personal life at home when I go to work each day, the reality is that there are just days I can't so I put on the best face I can and do my best. T's also are also in the spot of if they cancel then some patients are upset because they really need to see their therapists.

But as a client it does suck when they are not fully able to be at their best.

stopdog · 09:52 AM

This is not the therapist just not being at their best one day - the OPs example was a therapist who was not even just doing reasonably okay. OP did not say she expected perfection - but the therapist is being paid to do a job. You wouldn't excuse a house painter who left off a wall or tracked paint on the rug by saying they aren't perfect or had an off day. You wouldn't excuse a surgeon who cut out the wrong organ because they are not perfect. You wouldn't eat raw chicken because the chef is human. In my opinion, that line of thinking is just ********.

ScrewedUpMe · Mar 06, 2017, 09:53 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by nottrustin

It is very complicated. I have had sessions that I felt like T wasn't herself and I walked away frustrated and upset. At the time I didn't know what was going on so I took it personally.

That's exactly the problem. I am taking it personally because T has not let me know otherwise. Her short email responses were off and my husband also said it wasn't good enough and that she hadn't thought them through. And because I left the session in such a difficult and awkward way and was not able to let T in that day, I felt that her being cool with me in the emails was her reaction to that. And I am still allowed to think that because she has not told me otherwise. All she has said is (to my husband) she is not able to talk to him today because of the anniversary of her father's death. So unless she says that that affected her ability that day, I can't do anything else but feel it personally. I have major attachment issues and transference with T and am used to my mother rejecting me and punishing me with her silence and coldness etc. So this really hits me hard.

dtrain0802 · 10:31 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ScrewedUpMe

Yes I do realise she is human and not perfect and did infact acknowledge that in my original post. I did not post here to be judged for feeling the way I do. Of course T's have their own stuff going on from time to time, but it does affect clients and clients are entitled to those feelings.

If you call "... I get therapists having their own stuff going on. ..." part of that acknowledgment she's a human being, you're right. You did do just that; albeit a half-*** job of doing so.

I understand why you're indignant over the money part. I would be, too. I can also relate to having to make a drive to see your therapist as I'm in the same boat. Although, it's only an hour for me.

When all is said and done, I think you're being overly harsh on your therapist, that's all. if there is something you don't like the dynamic of your therapeutic relationship with your provider, have you tried speaking up about it? Something along the lines of "Can you please stop doing that? It gives me the impression you aren't listening to me." Or maybe, "Is what is going on with you lately? Are you okay? You seem distracted or off recently." (And yes, I know you're rebuttal to this is going to be something along the lines "it's not about her, it's about me" but it is a two way street and it may lead to understanding of what's happening. It's also good practice for people who are emotionally dead on the inside like myself.)

In any case, best of luck. I hope things get better for you.

stopdog · Mar 06, 2017, 10:08 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by dtrain0802

First and foremost, if you call "... I get therapists having their own stuff going on. ..." part of that acknowledgment she's a human being, you're right; you did albeit a half-*** job of doing so.

I understand why indignant over the money part. I would be, too. And for the love of Jesus, if there is something you don't like about your dynamic with your therapeutic relationship with your provider, have you tried speaking up about it?

When all is said and done, I think you're being overly harsh on your therapist, that's all.

On another note, I can relate to having to make a drive to see your therapist as I'm in the same boat. Although, it's only an hour.

In any case, best of luck. I hope things get better for you.

Wow. There is nothing half assed about expecting a therapist to do their damn job. Their job isn't that hard to begin with. I think this is overly harsh to clients

dtrain0802 · Mar 06, 2017, 10:21 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Myrto

And you do realize that therapists are being paid to keep their own stuff out of therapy? That's their ****ing job. If anytime somebody screws up, they pull the "oh I'm just a human being" excuse, then nobody is responsible for anything anymore. OP, I'm sorry your therapist was being completely unprofessional. If it was so hard for her, she just should have cancelled. Like you say, you now have to pay for sessions to "repair" this relationship. Hugs.

See... this is a perfect example of why I try and stay away from this forum.

Very rarely does anybody try considering things from the Therapist's side of things. What about the part of the story a poster doesn't share? (And if you believe we - as a collective group who share their problems, opinions, etc. on here - are 100% forthcoming or completely blames when sharing, you're as stupid as you are naive.

Of course it's her job to keep her **** out of the room but to suggest somebody do that perfectly 100% of the time is unreasonably absurd. Not only does everybody - you, me, therapists, their clients, etc. - have their own baggage full of problems they also allow it to affect their work or other parts of their lives from time to time.

dtrain0802 · Mar 06, 2017, 10:34 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by stopdog

Wow. There is nothing half assed about expecting a therapist to do their damn job. Their job isn't that hard to begin with. I think this is overly harsh to clients

I don't disagree. I also believe their should be consequences to those providers who are either incapable or unwilling to do what's best for their clients over extended periods of time.
Nevertheless, it still happens.

lucozader · Mar 06, 2017, 10:36 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by dtrain0802

See... this is a perfect example of why I try and stay away from this forum.

Very rarely does anybody try considering things from the Therapist's side of things. What about the part of the story a poster doesn't share? (And if you believe we - as a collective group who share their problems, opinions, etc. on here - are 100% forthcoming or completely blames when sharing, you're as stupid as you are naive.

Of course it's her job to keep her **** out of the room but to suggest somebody do that perfectly 100% of the time is unreasonably absurd. Not only does everybody - you, me, therapists, their clients, etc. - have their own baggage full of problems they also allow it to affect their work or other parts of their lives from time to time.

Some people here have been very hurt by bad therapists in the past and as such don't have the most balanced view on the profession. Honestly, it's not worth getting into this argument - I learnt that the hard way. As for stopdog - she's a one woman crusade against the therapeutic profession (who for some reason pays to see two of them every week).

I believe that therapists do have an increased responsibility to look after themselves and make sure they are able to do their job well - in the same way that anyone who holds the well-being of others in their hands does - a doctor, for example. If a therapist is having personal problems that really interfere with their ability to do their job, they should not be doing it at that time. They can't be expected to always be running at 100% though - just as a doctor can't be. I'm actually reading a book by a brain surgeon at the moment and he talks about how people expect him to be a superman, because to consider otherwise is too scary for them - but he's not super, he's just a human like the rest of us. Sometimes he feels a bit off, sometimes he's tired and stressed, sometimes he's got stuff on his mind. I think it can be similar with therapists.

Like I said, though, it was the nail-picking that really struck me. That's not an okay way to behave with a client. It's incredibly rude. Actually, it's more than rude - it's cruel.

dtrain0802 · Mar 06, 2017, 10:38 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by lucozader

Some people here have been very hurt by bad therapists in the past and as such don't have the most balanced view on the profession. Honestly, it's not worth getting into this argument - I learnt that the hard way.

I believe that therapists do have an increased responsibility to look after themselves and make sure they are able to do their job well - in the same way that anyone who holds the well-being of others in their hands does - a doctor, for example. If a therapist is having personal problems that really interfere with their ability to do their job, they should not be doing it at that time. They can't be expected to always be running at 100% though - just as a doctor can't be. I'm actually reading a book by a brain surgeon at the moment and he talks about how people expect him to be a superman, because to consider otherwise is too scary for them - but he's not super, he's just a human like the rest of us. Sometimes he feels a bit off, sometimes he's tired and stressed, sometimes he's got stuff on his mind. I think it can be similar with therapists.

Like I said, though, it was the nail-picking that really struck me. That's not an okay way to behave with a client. It's incredibly rude. Actually, it's more than rude - it's cruel.

Agree with the nail-picking.

unaluna · Mar 06, 2017, 10:40 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by dtrain0802

See... this is a perfect example of why I try and stay away from this forum.

Very rarely does anybody try considering things from the Therapist's side of things. What about the part of the story a poster doesn't share? (And if you believe we - as a collective group who share their problems, opinions, etc. on here - are 100% forthcoming or completely blames when sharing, you're as stupid as you are naive.

Of course it's her job to keep her **** out of the room but to suggest somebody do that perfectly 100% of the time is unreasonably absurd. Not only does everybody - you, me, therapists, their clients, etc. - have their own baggage full of problems they also allow it to affect their work or other parts of their lives from time to time.

I agree. Sometimes you can gain more from a "bad" session. That is the opportunity you have in therapy. How to have the difficult conversations. Instead of saying, "well i see you cant take care of me today so i will leave in order to unconsciously take care of you," what if the OP would have said, "i see you cant take care of me today as you usually do, AND ITS MAKING ME ANGRY."

Eta - i acknowledge its difficult to stay in the moment and putvwords to what we are feeling at the time, but that IS our only job in t, imo.

dtrain0802 · Mar 06, 2017, 10:46 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by stopdog

This is not the therapist just not being at their best one day - the OPs example was a therapist who was not even just doing reasonably okay. OP did not say she expected perfection - but the therapist is being paid to do a job. You wouldn't excuse a house painter who left off a wall or tracked paint on the rug by saying they aren't perfect or had an off day. You wouldn't excuse a surgeon who cut out the wrong organ because they are not perfect. You wouldn't eat raw chicken because the chef is human. In my opinion, that line of thinking is just ********.

Comparing a therapist to a painter or a check is complete ********.

unaluna · Mar 06, 2017, 10:51 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by dtrain0802

Comparing a therapist to a painter or a chef is complete ********.

Yeah it should be more like clay pot spinner, like in Ghost. T is a cooperative process.

lucozader · Mar 06, 2017, 10:58 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by unaluna

Yeah it should be more like clay pot spinner, like in Ghost. T is a cooperative process.

Stop making me picture me and my T in a sexy clay-spinning scene!

musinglizzy · Mar 06, 2017, 11:24 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by lucozader

Like I said, though, it was the nail-picking that really struck me. That's not an okay way to behave with a client. It's incredibly rude. Actually, it's more than rude - it's cruel.

My T will occasionally file her nails during my session when I seem a bit shut down. It irritates the heck out of me.

dtrain0802 · Mar 06, 2017, 11:28 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by lucozader

Stop making me picture me and my T in a sexy clay-spinning scene!

While "Take My Breath Away" plays in the background? Ha.

nottrustin · Mar 06, 2017, 11:29 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by stopdog

Wow. There is nothing half assed about expecting a therapist to do their damn job. Their job isn't that hard to begin with. I think this is overly harsh to clients

But wasn't T doing her job? According to OP therapy going on however as the patient stated she was in a bad place and being negative. When T was making suggestions T kept finding holes and disregarding the ideas. Things were off and OP didn't feel like T was as caring and warm as normal. But I think T was doing her job. Albeit not as good as normal.