Dear T: I Need To Tell You Something.... Part XXIII

This week has felt interminable.

Ditto

Thank you QM, and thank you for remembering that! It certainly wasn't an easy process but I did just know, and I was very lucky that I had Old T backing me, believing me, telling me it WAS out there. I just had to have the strength to keep going until I found it, which I very nearly didn't. I also had to be very, very honest with all those people upfront, and just walk away if they didn't seem 100% onboard with everything, which most didn't.

I am fortunate also that I am in a position in life now where I can afford to be choosy, both in time and money ways. I have not been in this position before, so therapy before this, for me, would have been a lot more limited I think, and possibly would not have worked for me.

Lots of factors to consider there but I still do think that if people believe that they know what they need, and have the resources, they should look for it. That is a big reason why I post, because had I not had old T telling me this, I would not have kept looking. I would have given up, and I think that would have been a real shame.

Thank you, and I do really hope that one day you too can find something in this crazy world that really helps you, deep down.

Dear T,

People I trust say 12 sessions a year are not enough. Not enough to work through attachment.

T, I cannot remain in our home country forever. Life is pressing, pushing and I will have to leave in a few years time, lest I die from despair in this country.

T, how can I work through attachment to you without you, in a country half the world away, wholly different culture, with the stress of migration and integration? Where ill løse all my hard won independence and will be forced to depend on Partner because I don't speak Scandinavian, I can't drive because I've always gotten by on public transport in our home country, I can't work because I don't speak the language?

T, I've said that if you allow me to email contact you after termination that it cannot be email therapy. Because then I will no longer be your patient and it won't be ethical for you. How will I work through a premature ending with you?

T...I don't want to seek another therapist. I want you...only you, irrational as that is.

FWIW my sister in law came to the UK unable to speak English or drive. She can now do both and has raised children and kept a job in this country for several years, so I know you will be able to adapt too. I get the anxiety though, it must be a scary prospect, and to leave T too

Is your SIL a woman of colour? When she moved to the UK, did she have to pursue further studies to get a job in the UK? I feel super intimidated about not having a bachelor's degree.

Omg omg I'm so scared of moving to join my partner in Scandinavia because I'm a WOC in a country where my race is hyper privileged and have zero experience being a racial minority.

I read research studies and blogs about moving to Scandinavia and feel extremely daunted about moving and losing all my independence. Terrified I will develop PTSD symptoms, be unable to work, terrified about learning to drive and I struggle so much with learning that Scandinavian language already despite telling myself "OMG QM, you speak Chinese!!"

Dear T,

You mentioned that you wanted a specific thing in your garden. I was out with my volunteer group today and there were some cuttings of said specific thing, so I got you some. I don't know if that is weird, and I don't want to do anything that resembles a dual relationship but it just seemed crazy to have them end up as mulch when you said you wanted some.

I'm not sure which country in Scandinavia you're referring to, but I have a friend (female, but not WOC) who moved to Finland and married a Finnish guy (she moved there for him). She did already have a bachelor's degree, but because she was married to a Finn, she was able to get another degree for free at the university there. Not sure if you're thinking of marrying your partner--I'm pretty sure all or most countries there are really liberal on marriage--but if you did, you'd have access to quite a bit of educational opportunities. Also, depending on the country, they may use English quite a bit, and from what you've written on the boards, you seem to have a very good grasp of the English language. So you might be able to get by OK at first. Plus they might have public transportation.

I definitely get why it's scary though...but it sounds like you're in a bad living situation right now, so moving there could be a great opportunity.

It's Norway (figured oh hell maybe someone will find my posts helpful haha) so, planning to marry because I won't be able to go over as a student due to degrees there being taught in Norwegian. Can't get a job either. I don't already have a degree and I'm worried about attaining fluency in Norwegian because I can't even pronounce the alphabet or count to 10.

My partner did say most people will speak English with me, which is true but when I visited, I found that his family and store staff etc had a lot of difficulty understanding me due to my accent. My "English for white people" accent, which I use automatically daily when talking to my partner and other white people. So I'm so worried haha, worried about so many things.

My partner doesn't want to live in a city, but we're looking at close to a city so I can access public transport. However...I think stations, bus stop names etc will be in Norwegian too. OMG I'll have to really work on my social anxiety and get used to asking strangers for help

You're right that my current living situation isn't good. My family is pressuring me a lot as well.

I'm sure they'll get used to it soon So will you. I learned chinese for a year and then changed teacher. I didn't understand a word the new teacher said for about 5 weeks.
Same with english, I was in Dubling for 4 weeks. Had no problems there, but as soon as I was in Belfast, I was just standing there and thinking: "WTF, what are they talking about? What language are they using?"
Aaand... Many other examples as my country has 4 official languages

Dear MC,
Is it totally pathetic that your very brief response to my e-mail update from yesterday made me tear up--in a good way? I wasn't really expecting a response, especially since we see you tomorrow, and it was just a quick update. I think getting a response is a reminder that you really do care about me. (Even though I know you care even if you didn't write back--this is more like bonus caring.) So, thanks.
Love,
LT