Dear T: I Need To Tell You Something.... Part XXIII

Hugs... when do you see your T next?

Dear T,
I know I'm very vulnerable and reactive lately. But I REALLY need support with the isses which are so hard for me to express. I am angry...I feel you would let me die with my frustration and shame issues unexpresed. But how the hell to express that? I am angry, I am alone,I need support and I'm tired.
So freaking tired.

T,

You might not believe this, but I actually do understand why they might have hung up. I do understand that my smiling/laughing/chuckling is irritating. My EQ isn't bellow 0.

I'm also aware that I could write down what I want to say "next time". I actually spent an hour doing this before calling

But thx...

Dear T,

Well isn't that 'weird', that I didn't realise that I needed you to be onboard with this idea, in order for me to feel like it was possible. I mean, when has that ever bothered me before, someone else's opinion having such an impact on the decisions that I make for myself. Very odd. But I am pleased that you seemed to be surprised that I had thought you weren't onboard before, you said that you couldn't remember. I am pleased that you suggested a slightly alternative way of doing it, and that you recognised that these things pile up and then when I look at the pile, it contributes to the 'I am stupid. I am useless' thoughts. Very true.

I am glad that I made you laugh when I said that you might be weird too. It was a joke, and I am I am glad that you took it that way.

Thanks for saying that we could walk together, in time, after we have talked and discussed and everything else. I agree, also, that other things may come first.

I am going to miss you too, but I am so, so, so, so pleased that we had a session today, before I go away, because that black hole has been very 'me' sapping, and I think I would have struggled to go away if we hadn't helped me out of it. I know I will only miss one session but it still matters, and thank you for seeing that. Thank you for even remembering that I am going away!! I think it is brave too. I have never been on holiday on my own.

So, I have acted on what we talked about, because if I didn't do it now, I don't think that I ever would, and it would just add to the pile. I feel like I can see a way off the ledge now, and that has to be a good thing.

I love you T, and I am really going to miss you, but I am going to have a nice time. Did you see that? Not, I am going to try to have a nice time, but I AM going to have a nice time. I had better start getting organised for my trip then! I love you, I love you, I love you.

Dear T... Sometimes people can't see the truth even if when confronted with it.

I am just a (wo)man tippin' on the wire
Tight rope walking fool balanced on desire
I cannot control these ever changing ways
So how can I be sure the feeling will remain
It'll always change
But everything I am is yours
Everything I am is yours

Find it hard to say what's going on inside
Got these little walls, couldn't break them if I tried
But I promise I'll be true and I promise I'll be right
Sickness and in health
In the darkness and the light
I give you every sigh
'Cause everything I am is yours
Everything I am is yours

Left my demons at the door
So what you opening it for?
I guess they'll help you understand
Everything I am, Everything I am

Ooh i think if I'd had that dream I'd do an Active Imagination with it and continue the conversation cuz i can DO angry in Active Imag, not so much in real life.

I miss you, t.

Dear MC,
Random, but does the cologne/aftershave/deodorant/whatever you use that makes you smell like you contain lemon verbena as one of the notes? Because I just got this new Meyer's lemon verbena soap, and the smell is making me think of you.
Love,
LT

A part of me really, really wanted to ring the doorbell or knock on the gate, even come down the gate and that part of me wanted to see you, outside of the hour, to interact with you. I want more than we can have, see, and I think you know that, I have told you enough times. I do also think that you may possibly want more than that too. But I think that we both realise that 'more' is not going to help me, not yet, anyway. I just wish I knew what the future held for us. Do I dream that one day we will be sitting in your garden, talking, as the evening sun goes down, having been planting or digging or clearing. Oh yes, I do. Do I dream that one day you will be visiting me and listening to me play, watching my hamster burrow and discussing the world and ourselves. Oh yes, I do. Do I dream that we could go out on days out, to the farm, or the park, or the zoo, with a picnic and your grandchildren. Oh yes, I do. But we can never tell what the future holds, and I will not get caught up in the trap of missing what is here, now, because I am focussed on the future.

The other part of me was more than content with just putting it through your letterbox and leaving it there like that, for you to find. (And, if I had done what I said above, I could easily have a) come face to face with your H (no thanks, not in real life, not yet) or disturbed you in with a client (again, no thanks, not fair of me at all). I made it for you, and I wanted you to have it. That was all, for the most part of me, at least. The black hole made me forget everything, and I am thankful that you didn't make more out of it than that.

Still doesn't mean that the dream part of me wasn't a little disappointed that I didn't see you and you didn't ask me in for s drink and a chat!!! Isn't the mind a funny, funny place T.

my T has a smell. idk what it is. maybe just his body odor? i dont think he wears any fragrance. or it's his deodorant. its not a bad smell

"I want to let you know"? Are you serious? If you wanted to let me know, then you would have.
You are a good actor I think. Because I believed you cared.

I'm envious of your faith sometimes. I'd like to know what it feels like, to feel God's love and know it's meant for you.

I can't tell if you helped me be so much more tolerant with rejection or if I just became numb or apathetic to it. I don't care much anymore about texts and emails, really.

But this last thing...giving away my session and having no empathy-it put me over the edge. You showed me I don't matter at all, I'm disposable, which threw me back to my really really young annihilation anxieties of non-existence but also memories of being an orphan with 2 parents, and then objectification and dehumanizing from the traumas.

Dear Dr. S,

I think I'm starting to get over my mad. I want to know what will be the value add to talk to you about being mad and what happened? Will you answer that question or deflect it? I think I will ask you it.

I don't think I need it back right now, but I would like to know that you still have it. Do you still have it? I'm afraid to ask you because what if you didn't keep it? Will you make me ask you? Could you please just show me?

I am feeling very small.
-me

Dear T,

My plan didn't work, I don't think. This person didn't respond as we had both hoped. I am not sure what that means. I think I have realised what I need from a relationship, if it is to be meaningful to me, if I am to be invested in it. It is something I did not have in any of my relationships with anyone and I am not sure that it is even possible outside of our relationship. I need to be able to be completely honest and open, and I need that other person to be the same with me. Why is that something that seems impossible? Because other people aren't normally this way? I don't know. I just know that it is what I value most about me and you. I can literally say anything to you and it will be OK. I wish that was true in other relationships. Maybe it is, but it doesn't feel like it to me, because I don't feel safe enough in them.

He does care echos. His emails are just mediocre at best. Please don't let his email make you think he doesn't care
I really think he does care

Thanks Junk. I sort of believe it but my cynical voice is saying "it's amaing how much more someone can appear to care when they're on the clock".
I can't believe how bad he is at getting caring across via email. He's not always terrible, but he's not consistent and it's the only way in which he isn't consistent.

have you talked about what you need from his emails with him? has he ever really given you what you needed thru an email? im not sure if you just post here when it's not a good email, but from what i've read, it seems he sends a couple vague sentences and that's it

however, i dont think that translates to him not caring and spouting out something just to appease you in the moment. how comfortable is he with emailing about serious things?

i know the pain of hoping for something a little more from T and getting something that almost makes it worse, like if he hadn't of responded- i might had been better off. i've definitely been there and felt that! hang in there, hold on to your trust with him. think of you sitting there with him, and imagine this convo... he really isnt that abrupt and short in person

edit: gonna post this in your own thread instead of taking up dear T

Dear Dr. S,

The odds are forever in my favor if I email you within the next hour and a half M-F of getting a prompt response. The problem is, I don't want to email you yet... but I want to get an email from you. I'm mostly past my mad, mostly to the place where I can listen to the other voices, other parts of me again. The little boy is back to wanting you, so what part of me is still afraid of getting hurt again? It feels much younger.

-me

Lost in bad thoughts/feelings again. Now I'm thinking you gave a way my session because you'd think that would be the last straw for me, that it would cause an unresolvable rupture, and so I'd quit therapy. But then you say if you didn't want to do therapy with me, you wouldn't. It's confusing because it seems your actions don't match words, maybe.

You did take on some qualities on of my sadistic father and brother. It's not just transference, but I don't know what it is. It's so hard that you don't seem to look at yourself or your actions or how you contribute to things. So hard.

We'll I guess it is transference, if transference is a reenactment. But if that is what is happening, both of us need to stop it, right? Or is that different with different therapists-that I need to figure out how to stop doing my part so that you stop doing yours?

Ball of confusion...

Don't know, if you figure it out, please let me know.

Dear t,

I would like to know why you think I'm "trapped on eBay". I have some barriers to traditional employment and have made good money selling on eBay. Do you tell your other clients not to make money, saying they are trapped at work? I know I said I thought I was buying too much stuff there at one point but that's really gotten better, and I'm not just saying that. I'm feeling a bit judged.

Transference for me is somebody does something i dont like, and i react like a crazy person out of the blue. I feel trapped like i did with my mother. I cant just nicely ask the person to stop doing whatever. I feel like they think it is their right and they will INSIST on persisting in the behavior. So i explode. The "transferee" is usually pretty innocent tho, really. They had no way of knowing it was bothering me that much. An incident that comes to mind is my wanting to decrease my weekly t sessions. Or a coworker asking me to join her and other coworkers for a midafternoon walk to the cafeteria for a soda.

Regarding the time slot - your t would have been left with an empty time slot for a month. "Reserved for skies"? I guess i cant really see him telling someone, hey you can have this time for 4 weeks, but then you have to give it back?

Given how my t schedules his little paper calendar book, i know he does it week to week based on when i was there the previous week, cuz thats the only times its gotten messed up, when something changed the previous week.

So there are at least 4 POVs on this - can he see it thru your eyes, can you see it thru his eyes, etc?