Dear T: I Need To Tell You Something.... Part XXIII

Dear T,

Having an emotional moment. Not sure why. I think of you, probably at University teaching until late.

I know my parents were on my side, and my family, friends, and PrevT.
But it makes me emotional to realize you are really on my side. Like, as much as you can. Whatever happens. You are in it with me.
It makes me feel grateful.
Thank you.
---

From T,

You are very welcome. Thank you for your very kind thoughts and words. I am here.

I am thinking of you,
T

Dear MC,
The longing feelings are still there this morning. Probably coming from a younger me, maybe a bit from current me, too. Miss you. Write back when you have time. I'm not freaking out--it's a want, not a need, to hear from you. I trust that you care and aren't going to reject me over some recurring paternal transference stuff.
Be safe in the crazy rain.
Love,
LT

Dear Dr. S,

Had a dream about you/us. We were having a session and time was well over. We got ready to leave, together, and grabbed the same bus (one that doesn't serve the area of your office, dreams?). As we approached my stop, you gave me a hug because you wanted to give me a hug. It was a simple hug. It was a nice way to wake up.

I don't know if you will ever really hug me. Maybe someday when we are down to maintenance visits... maybe never. I think I do want (hope) hugs to be ok at some point. Then again, maybe ... ok, I can't imagine not ever not wanting a hug from/with you. I hug people in my life that are part of my life - you are part of my life. I tend to accept that right now might not be the correct time for hugs or that hugs might confuse things. Someday... ? maybe?...

I love you, thank you,
-me

Dagnabbit t i want you to say something. I need to just grow up already. I almost wish you would tell me that!!! I should NOT have written that stuff last night. Far too honest for anybody's good. Ugh.

My Counselor actually call me this afternoon to see how I was doing...

Love you.

Dear T,

I'm still sad that today is our last appt for four weeks but thank you for being so kind and understanding and for doing all you could to make it better. I appreciate you lending me the book and objects. I especially appreciate your note to me and it was touching how you signed it. I believe that you really care. I will miss you so much and hope the time flies for me!

Dear now-xT, you sent me an email saying to let you know when I'm next available.

I'm not even going to respond. I'm angry as all hell at you, but the good thing is, I am not conflicted. I'm not torn in two by the frightened little girl in me who is so desperate for safety that I need to go back to you, just to feel OK in the world, regardless of whether you are taking proper care of me or not.

Transference, much. But also based on a heavy dose of reality. Yes, my feelings are disproportionately strong, but what you've done is something to be angry, upset and hurt by.

So I am doing everything I can to take care of that scared part of me that struggles to feel valued enough for self care, self love and self acceptance, and once I am though this really tough patch (I am working my way out) I will re-think how I feel again.

I truly wish it wasn't this way - I wish that so badly. But I have to work hard to stay with reality and not try to turn you in to the 'good' caregiver. I'm very good at doing that - ignoring the signs that are right in front of me or the feelings inside of me, and making that person the caregiver I need, in my head.

So, OK, MC, maybe I'm a tiny bit nervous, even though I know I likely have no reason to be...(Hey, I said I'm making progress, not all the way there.) And you probably haven't even had a chance to read, let alone respond, to my e-mail yet. So, I'll chill...

Edited to add: OK, I don't think it's so much that I'm worried about rejection or anything. It's that I am still having all these feelings and longings and stuff, and I just want to be able to know you understand. Not that you aren't going to reject me. I just need to know that you understand. And that you can hold and contain those feelings. There's just so much there...and I feel like we probably shouldn't talk about it in session Monday, because we've managed to keep the past few sessions about the relationship between H and me (and D), rather than mostly about me. But I think I need to talk about it. So maybe what I want to hear is that you're there, you're listening, and you can hold/contain whatever thoughts and feelings that I need you to. But also that we can talk about it. Even though I know that's the case, I think maybe I need to hear it...

Love,
LT

T2,

So, so, SO freaking tired of S's crap. I want to break things.

Wish i could know if you even got my email lastnight. I got a weird error when i sent it, but its in sent items, so who knows. This dumb webmail program i use doesn't have read receipts or I'd use it. May go back to outlook....

Stomp stomp stomp little miss 15 wants you. She needs to hush

Well. This is not a comfortable place to be.

My journal is wearing me out. There is too much coming that I don't have an answer for, for that one. I am not letting the analytical one pounce on this. It's too small/young/fragile/mad.

I have too much on my plate and it's very overwhelming.

Breathe. Right? It's going to be alright. I know.

I'll see you soon!

Dear personal development tutor (who is a trained therapist and should know better) you really dropped the ball yesterday. Here's what I wanted to say to you: "F*** you.".

Dear MC,
Thanks for writing back late last night. A little part of me is like, "Aw, you wrote to me at 1 a.m. That means you really care."

But a bigger part of me is like, "This is the second time in the past couple months you've responded that late at night. You never did that before. Are you OK? Are you unable to sleep, so you're doing work instead? Is that part of how you're coping with losing your wife? I mean, that's totally understandable if you are. But please do your best to take care of yourself and get some rest. My paternal transference stuff can wait till morning."

Love you,
LT

You are pretty cool T. Thanks for being amazed by me. Thanks also for reminding me of why babies and kids need so much sleep. That helped me to go easier on myself. I am processing and learning nearly as much as they are, so it is not surprising that my body and brain are crying out for rest. I should allow it the rest that it is craving, without feeling guilty.

I am excited too, about the future.

Attachment pain. Humiliation. Shame. I sent you so many long rambling messages, T. I'm so ashamed of my attachment to you.

T, i could use another session with you, like right now. Our next session is in 19 days. Well, slightly less than 19 days since we're already past session time today. That's not so bad, is it?

Wow. That's what i feel too - ashamed of my attachment to my t. I hadn't connected the dots til you said it. I accept that I'm attached, but still ashamed of it. Hugs

I want more of you than i can have again, t. And I'm not happy about it.

I'm sorry I was rude to you. I feel abandoned. You were leaving the practice anyway, but did you have to dismiss me 15 minutes into our last session? I feel so bad. I'm having a bad day. I wish I had the assurance that I had someone who I could pretend cared about me. But now… I have no one.

Hugs!! It's tough

talking about my shame around my attachment/dependency towards my T and also the shame of even just having those needs to be cared about and nurtured has helped... he's always told me that these needs are very normal and natural, and it's nothing to feel embarrassed or ashamed of. he also tells me often about the nature of therapy and how this stuff arises, and even that he went through the same process in his own long term therapy

It's great that your T experienced this himself--I'm sure that helps him really understand what you're going through.

Talking about feeling awkward/ashamed for having these needs (and fearing being rejected for them) with my marriage counselor has helped me, too. He's also said that wanting to be cared for is normal. And that it might be good to examine why letting myself want to be cared for makes me so uncomfortable. And that really made me think. Especially because it clearly connects to other stuff in my life (past and present).

I know this was originally about Art (right?), so Art, that might be an avenue to consider. If you're ashamed at having those feelings for T, maybe you also struggle with that with other people in your life?

Dear T,

I have just had one of the worst phone calls ever. The guy, a colleague, just would not listen to what I had to say. I was calm and rational but he kept on and on with what he thought he knew. I was scared I think, so I hung up on him and rung the boss.

When I called this colleague back to say what the boss had decided, he had a massive go at me for hanging up on him. He was shouting at me, calling me highly strung! Me, highly strung!! Like I said to him, I said, you are the one that is shouting at me when all I am doing is trying to have a sensible discussion with you.

Eventually, after I had held the phone away from me and let him have his rant, he did listen, and then blamed me for not explaining the situation fully in the first place. I tried, but I couldn't get a word in edgeways to do so, despite asking him, politely, to listen to me because the situation had developed and u had information that he did not.

In the end, he calmed down and did listen to what I had to say, but he was not going to apologise to me, that was evident.

It has bothered me, but luckily I had two witnesses to the entire event and despite not being able to hear his words exactly, they said I was calm and rational and professional. He was just having a rant and I came up against a wall. I think I was right to hang up on him because I do not have to stand for being shouted at, do I?

Oh well, I guess something can come our of it. I now know that I felt something in my body, and I will write it down as best I can and we can talk about it on Tuesday. Maybe I should be thanking him for helping me!!!!