Dear T: I Need To Tell You Something.... Part XXIII

Hi t is it wednesday yet? I keep thinking about your warm smile this morning. Sigh....

I am having a great time T and I am not even too worried or sad about missing a session tomorrow. I have got loads of exciting stuff to do.

It's still emphasising my issues though, because I am loving being free but just wished today that I had someone to play crazy golf or air hockey with. Wanting people but not wanting them. Difficult decision, difficult stuff.

But there is still loads that I can do on my own and I am doing it. As you said, I am being and doing, just me. Back to normality, back to what I know, back to me.

See you soon, T.

Ok Dr. S, I see you in 4 hours and you still haven't replied to my email. What's up with that? I sent it in time for you to see it before you started your day (and reply on your way to work). Usually, about the time I'm going to post my frustration here, you send me a response. So... and now I'm starting to get a little worried, like is everything ok with you? It just isn't like you to not respond by now on a work day. Sigh, yes ... and I'm starting to have anxiety about today's session, so I'd really like a response, even if it was ... got it and no promises. - me

Hei T,

I just googled how to do my own stitches. I'm not sure if that's bad or just... basic self care?

Please be in a better shape than last week

Me

T I am feeling insecure and I really want you to have a slot for me this week.

T,
Please don't leave me. I'm so scared!

Dear T,
It feels like it's been a month since I've seen you. But I won't tell you that, because last time I said that when you'd been on vacation, you were like, "It's only been 2 weeks." Which felt invalidating. I feel like there's so much to talk about that I'm not sure where to start. Think I need to address the retirement thing though, since that's gnawing away at my mind. Otherwise...I mean, I could probably give you enough reading material to take up most of the session...

I feel weirdly disconnected from you. And kinda nervous about seeing you. And not sure if MC will have said anything to you about my assorted e-mails. I doubt it, but you never know...

I guess I'll just try to type up an abbreviated list of topics to discuss...

Love,
LT

So not like you, so not like you - total buzz kill... worried, sad, scared, I leave in 15 mins and you still have not replied. This is a first time ever. Maybe it is just a technology mess up or something and my luck in timing? I think that is the best case scenario here. Worst case, something happened to you. Middle case, you thought you sent something and it didn't go, you wanted to wait until you had an answer, you really haven't checked your email all day (?). Not my fantasy at all. Bad cases, you forgot about my email or you purposely didn't reply.

Ughh, and the email I sent this morning wasn't even about reassurance. I hope you are ok. - me

T,

im recovering from my meltdowns quicker. im trying to stay focused on my school and preparing for the exam. E is leaving at the end of this month. hes moving away to another state. T, you know he is my only friend. you said something like 'good' when i said hes leaving.... i cant talk to you about it- i know you hate him. so i just try to deal with it by myself.

me

I can't wait to see you again...

Dear XT, I hate you today. But it's probably because I watched an episode of In Treatment today and wish you were more proactive like Adele is with Paul instead of just taking my money for 8 years and blowing smoke up my skirt.

Dear T,
OK, basically, I'm trying to figure out whether to tell you about I don't want you to worry about me or say the H word again. Plus there's enough other stuff that we can talk about. Maybe I'll just say I felt especially depressed...
LT

T,

I wasn't sure how I was going to feel after our session on Saturday. But honestly? I feel...good. It feels weird to say it.

I hope that this is a real step forward and not just false hope. Actually looking forward to seeing you on Thursday. I'll be tired, though. I forgot that I was staying after school for remediation.

Daisy

PS, the shirt you wore on Saturday was hideous. Destroy it immediately.

T,
I feel empty. Hopeless. Worthless. It is taking all I can to hold on and stay here. What is the point? Not even drinking or pills helps anymore. I have so much to tell you and yet there's nothing to say. I miss your laugh. 10 more days.
Annie

T--it isn't therapy itself that makes me hate myself more. It just is that you are the only one who sees and hears it, so i think it all gets unleashed on you. i"m sorry.

Thanks for the kind words, Skies. (Sorry for taking so long to reply!)

I am so sorry you are going through this! I really hope the situation is improving. You deserve to be treated with great kindness.

I am terrified and already sad that we're terminating soon and I need you to tell me what to do.

I wish I hadn't oversaturated the emailing. Because I want to email you.

Dear Dr S, this is hard, too hard. I am feeling... I don't know.. lots of different things and in there is still the missing and loving you. I want to hate you but I don't, I want to be mad at you but I'm not. Why does this have to be so hard? - love me

Thank you jDNA, your talk did help me this evening, it helped a lot in clarifying why this is an issue for me.

To those of you here at PC - I should be going pretty quiet for the next 48-60 hours or so due to work related trip. I should be back, and in and out.

Dear CW,

You don't know this yet, but to session tomorrow I am bringing a letter from No. 2, most likely a termination letter. I considered opening it on my own, but then I remembered that when that whole episode happened last November, I didn't have anyone irl to be there for me, mostly because no one irl knows what's going on with me in any detail. I want someone there this time. You're it.

ATAT

You go, girl!

M.

Safety. Freedom. They don't seem to fit together.

I do know we talked about that tonight. I've had no space to think on it. It's troubling me. I truly don't know how those two things work together. How do they coexist?

I want to understand and feel it. The package. I don't know how to truly give it to Him and let it go. How do I take myself out there on the very edge of a branch and truly trust, with no holds barred?

This is troublesome. This is something else I have to figure out and fix.

Maybe not. Maybe I will just be quiet and listen. Not push. Not pull. Lean in to it.

Sounds easy right? Maybe from your perspective. Not from mine.

I will work on it and I will listen and feel what comes.

Thank you!!

You rock!!

C,

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Dear MC,
Yeah, I think all this anxiety about you not writing back is from me saying last week that I felt safe with you (even though you responded to that e-mail!). I just feel like I shouldn't have said that. Now that I've admitted it, you'll abandon me. Either by choice or, like, dying of cancer or something. I know, this is magical thinking at work, but still worried.

And if you don't respond before session tomorrow, OK, you're busy, and I didn't explicitly ask for a response to the handshake thing (and you'd already responded to H) or my brief response to your e-mail. But if you don't try to find some way to shake hands pre-session (like what I suggested), or at least mention the topic, then I'll be concerned. Well, actually, I'll just bring it up, because either that will happen at the start of the session or it won't.

Also, worried that you or we will have to cancel for some reason, and this will just remain floating around in my head till Monday.

Sigh...
Love,
LT

ex T,
Today was awful and I've been seriously considering contacting you for the first time in almost 2 months... but to be honest, I think that would only make things more difficult for me right know.
Sometimes I think I'm getting better but then I find myself back at the starting point. I'm still trying to shut my feelings off because some things hurt too much. I know I have to feel the pain in order to let go, but I've been avoiding to do so for so long that I no longer know how to do it.
I often wonder if you ever think of me. I've been thinking of you every day sice I left and sometimes I feel like I will never get over this pain.