Dear T: I Need To Tell You Something.... Part XXIII

I think it was QM. We have talked about it and she's helped me see that i do fear emotional intimacy maybe not fear so much as just don't know how to 'do' it my shame at being attached is tied up in the intimacy thing, i think.

Dear Dr. S,

I don't know if you'll see this today or reply to it today. I wanted to let you know that today was the first day that I didn't wake up in pain. I just now took pain meds, first time of the day. I've been up since 5:30am too. I'm getting tired and could use a nap. Daughter, BF, and grand son are coming over for dinner so no napping yet. I even did some work today. All in all pretty good day. I miss you.

Love,
me

**PS... I know you can't reply to this because I wrote it here rather than emailing it to you, trying to see if this is good enough, I love you**

Day 1 of you being away... and it's tough. I know I will be fine but I miss you and I feel like I have no one to talk to. This sucks!

Hi, T,

Things are not terribly great at the moment, but they're also not terrible. Maybe I can make it through the next week until I see you.

Daisy

Therapist,

I've felt a desire all week to say something to you, but I didn't have words for it. The desire is much stronger today, and I still don't have words for it. Is it reassurance? I'd really like to see your smile that means that everything is good and okay. I'd like to hear from you, "We've been dealing with heavy stuff the last few sessions. I wanted you to know that I respect that you come every week. You're here and ready to work. You and I are good. I'm with you. We are strong."

One time you said, "That's okay. You're never too much, MBM. Never too much." I don't know how much you meant it, but I wrote it down and put it on my computer. I'm worried to tell you or ask about it again in case you don't really feel quite that way.

You didn't give me a sticky note last session. I wish you had.

I wish I could talk to you right now.

Me

Yay! This might seem weird, but i have followed your posts since you've had surgery and am happy that you didn't wake up in pain today

My psychiatrist is the best...

T, I wish you still worked on Saturdays. I miss coming there on Saturday mornings when I'm feeling relaxed and not stressed out from work. I know you see the difference - you mentioned it the other day that I seem to still be exhausted from January. No, I'm not. It's just, when I come after I've worked a stressful 8 hour day, I don't get to fully relaxed until it's almost time for me to leave!!

You deserve to have weekends off. But I still wish I could come see you tomorrow. I would have asked today, too. Except for that little fact.

Well I've been afraid of changing
Because I built my life around you
Time makes you bolder
Even children get older
And I'm getting older too

Thank you, and not weird.

My T stopped working saturdays probably about 8ish months ago, and it took me awhile to adjust. I liked waking up, leisurely enjoying my morning, and walking the mile to therapy. It helped get out my anxious energy, and I definitely feel like now that I see her Mon nights, she sees me more exhausted. I sort of like Mondays too, bc it gives me somethig to look forward to get through teh weekend, but i enjoyed Saturdays as well.
Love this song so much.

Can the child within my heart rise above?
Can I sail through the changin' ocean tides?
Can I handle the seasons of my life?

^^^^that's my favorite part.

*actually sent**
Morning Dr. S,

Not such a good morning today. You are not here to wipe away my tears. You don't do that anyway [a little bitter/sadness and understanding as to why]. Progress is being made as the aches and pains are much less than they were 2 wks ago and I did not take narcotics last night (took naltrexone instead). Still, this morning, I want to be nurtured by you. I want to rest my head in your lap, feel you stroke my head and rub my back, and hear words that this too will pass. I know it will.

How am I to ask these things of my wife when she just got up so mad at the pets for waking her up that she was yelling at them? How do I ask for a want/need when it is clear that she has her own? In fact, I had typed up the first paragraph as a post to the forums, to try to release the desire to talk to you out into the ether when she got up and yelled at the pets. I thought I would send it to you after all because the dogs were quiet and I realized the connection to my Dad here, and then one of the dogs decided to get vocal. Before I could set it aside and take care of the dogs, she was up "yelling" some more about how she was up and not going to get more sleep. She would take care of the dogs. She is now walking around... almost would say stomping, but I feel that might just be my take on it. I don't think it is good that I experience this with her and yeah it is an ongoing thing and causes me to cringe... her wanting to do something with the dogs... take them with us somewhere and then she ends up yelling at them a significant amount of the time.

I miss you even more now than when I first got up at 5am.

Love,
me

Stevie's one of my favorites.... I think this is one of her best songs I love the whole thing!

Teeeeeeeee. I'm here and I'm doing it

Hi t. Hope you're making the most of not working on saturday anymore. I wish i could have come today.

I'm starving myself

T,

I'm looking around my house in complete disarray, but I promised myself that today would be 100% self care. I hope you're proud.

Daisy

Dear T, I felt guilty for bothering you by cancelling even though I needed to see you, then guilty for going back and saying I'd borrowed enough money to reschedule, guilty enough that now I don't want to see you anymore. I just want to be out of your way.

My favorite plate broke, it's the only thing I have left from before, and I want you to fix it for me. Maybe I'll ask, what the heck

Dear T.

I miss you. I saw that car again in your driveway. That means that your Son is home. I guess he works away during the week and lives with you at weekends. I don't know how I feel about that. You have mentioned your children several times now and I want to ask, but I know more than I should know already.

Ah, well, I am pleased to say that I believe that you are invested in me now, in our unique relationship, and so my thinking of your children, their lives and your relationship with them, does not cause me anywhere near as much distress as it did. That is good!

I am looking forward to seeing you on Tuesday and then I will know that it isn't long until Thursday, but then I have my holiday and I won't see you for just over a week. I chose this though. It will have been the first session in over a year that I have missed because I alone chose it. That's quite something isn't it? I do not want to go to once a week yet though, I know that much at least.

I miss you.

I kind of lied to you when I said taking a break was all me, and nothing to do with you, but trying to talk with you about this, just got more and more painful.

Why can't you save me?

I feel so alone with everything that's going on. My husband shows no interest in me, I can't turn to him. I'm so tired of fighting.. I want to give up and quit living. On top of everything else, old ED thoughts are creeping in stronger than ever and I'm afraid I might relapse. I've been doing so good for months now and I don't want any one to be disappointed if I slip up, but I just don't know if I can handle all the pain and continue eating at the same time. I wish I knew how to tell you this and ask for help

T,

You made me feel so cared for this week, I have alot on my mind this week. Can I just curl up on your couch and stay there?