Dear T: I Need To Tell You Something.... Part XXIII

Dear T1, I am so sad that this is ending, especially the way it is. I wanted so much for you to be different. For things to be different. I guess it doesn't really matter how I feel right now. But for the record I am disappointed. Sad. Confused. Maybe that's it. And accepting. Maybe accepting is a feeling, too. Nothing more to say. Kind regards or best wishes or good luck or whatever would belie the deep, deep hurt I feel and imply more connection than clearly there is. So...that's it.

I can't forget you said you cried. It's very touching. And it means you're just a human??
I'm almost crying right now. Thank you... Love you

Me

I love you.

****. It really hurts today.

If you do bring that up and CW wants to keep talking about your mother, you can just be like "Nope," and change the subject. I do it all the time!

M

It feels like there are too many of me at one time. I'm walking in circles reacting to what's going on around me with no thoughts.

I tried to do what you asked me to do, but I couldn't get there. That place feels too far away. I know it's there and one part of me wants to look at it and another part just keeps pushing it further away. I emailed you and told you that I couldn't do it. Now I feel stuck in between those two parts.

I want to work on the workbook, but my mind won't focus on it.

Read an article about therapist terminating clients for being resistant and non compliant. It's kind of freaking me out. What if I'm too messed up or complicated?

Compliance has just recently found the courage to say "no" I can't or don't want to do that. Now it's afraid that being brave will cost a horrible price.

My heart is telling me that it's ok. It's just me caught in the middle of what's going on internally and I'm just flippin out. I just need to convince the parts flippin out that it's ok.

Thank goodness it Friday!! I can't wait to sort this out on Tuesday. It feels so good to know I can talk to you about this.

I hope that's not being too needy. Geez!!

Trail

ETA. Typo

Thanks for giving me just what I needed today. Your challenges came from a place of helping me be more compassionate with myself, and it really means a lot to me. Also, yay for our first hug!

What did he say about it? Does he reply to emails?

T, that was a very interesting session today. And your response to the thoughts I sent you after, gosh if somebody that wasn't you or I read that, they would be scratching their head going "what is she going on about?!" But I get it, I really do. And you're right. It is!! And I love it too.

What a beautiful poem Echos - the little Out There would like to express those things but those feelings weren't allowed. So , T , I'm thinking now I have the space to just have a cup of tea and decide which incense I'm going to burn without the problems in the background that usually cause the mind chatter. Oh , it's awfully quiet which I'm not used to. I think it will grow on me. It wasn't normal was it ?

Hiya Dr. S, I'm going to be posting here a lot because I'm going to try to give you some peace over the weekend. I am not in crisis. I simply miss the safety of our space and your caring. I wish I could just curl up in the corner of the room while you work away - just be near you. With love, me

I understand it
But I don't want it

T,

I'm glad I feel connected to you again. I'm genuinely surprised that you were puzzled by my apology letter and felt that I did not have to apologise to you regarding the unfair thing. I'm glad you still accepted my apology after we talked about why I wanted so much to apologise.

You reminded me several times to remember the later half of our session. I will.

The part on me stuck in Detached Protector mode as that transparent, impervious, thick wall. My Vulnerable Child mode behind it and you on the other side with that huge gap.

How the wall I was wouldn't shift or melt therefore I was so numb. How you said that my Vulnerable Child part can still hear your words despite the wall.

The shift I talked about where as I expressed frustration at my emotional numbness, I became my Healthy Adult on the same side as you looking at that wall at my Vulnerable Child self.

How something indescribable shifted and suddenly I was behind my Vulnerable Child self who had moved her hands from her sides to press against the wall. The wall had become much thinner and while you were still on the other side, you pressed your hands where she had pressed hers.

I will remember this.

I wonder what you thought about my poem. I almost want to qualify it as being just a thought experiment rather than things I actually would do. But I guess you probably know that. I suppose that's the issue with emailing you stuff, that I don't get to explain it straight away. I know you'll get it though.

Dear R,

Over the past few days, I've felt like I'm going back in time. The timing of this proposed break irks me, but I'd never say that. When the rest of the world seems to think I am taking too long, you understand that I can only go at the pace that suits me.

Rather than enjoying the peace that comes in the days after our sessions, I am preoccupied by the thought of that break. Clamming up over those significant dates is the way I got myself into this mess to begin with.

I have this problem with e-mailing, too. Like if I don't hear back for a certain amount of time, it's my instinct to send another e-mail explaining my first one better. Or sharing additional thoughts I had. Because otherwise, I feel like the e-mail is just hanging out there.

Hope you hear back from him soon! I suspect he'll understand and appreciate it.

Thanks LT. I actually told him not to email me back so he won't. I did that because otherwise I would be sat waiting for a reply and he doesn't always reply so I don't want to keep checking my email for nothing. His email responses are often brief and sometimes bordering on unhelpful too so it's probably better not to get a response from him unless I specifically need some help.
I'm managing okay, I just need more patience!

Dear M,

I realized last night that I am mad at you for being on vacation during the fire. I should say STILL mad, because really I've been pissed as **** , totally livid, ever since it happened, that you were on your stupid vacation for over a month. I just couldn't admit it til now. We said I'd be ok while you were gone, that our connection was still there, etc etc, and then five days into it my apartment burnt down??

Where were you?????? I wanted to email you and tell you I was scared, but I wanted to be good and not bother you...

Really, really really angry.

M I love you but man are you gonna get it on Monday!!

Ok t i went from glad i came yest and understanding to being angry and hurt and confuseder than i already was. I'm really mad.

So I just watched this video about consent and they used the word "coquettish" and I remembered that you used it the other day - though not directly to describe me, and now I'm thinking about whether it's an inherently misogynistic word. Probably I'm just paranoid about these things, just like my mother, but there's something going on here for me. It triggers that curious mixture of feelings in me again...

Dear T,

I see you on Tuesday and already I'm feeling worse than ever. I want to curl up into a ball and just bawl my eyes out. Although I may even be at the point where I can't cry.

I hope you can offer me some comfort, but I know realistically that you can only do so much.

Dear pdoc,

I see you on Tuesday too, but I don't want to tell you about my depression. I don't know what I'm going to say to you.

I don't think I'll be able to hide the depression, though. My grandma says I seem "noticeably sad".

I want to tell you that I feel like I'm your mom or your aunt. Not sure what to think...

Dear Dr S,

I want an email from you. I want to know that you are thinking about me and those thoughts of well wishes are coming from you and are not just because I asked for them. Do you want to send them to me, do you struggle with the boundaries of this relationship? Maybe you don't.

I'm trying to leave you alone this weekend because I'm not needing you. I'm not in crisis. I'm thinking about you and want to hang out. I am wondering what you are doing this Saturday afternoon. I am sleeping a lot, so much so that wife got worried. I think I am doing ok though. I am tire and I think that is to be expected.

What did you think/feel when I gave you the coloring? In this moment, I feel so stupid for making it and giving it to you.

Wednesday - 4 days. That one hour is not going to be enough.

I love you. I want to tell you again.

Me